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Need advice regarding a depressed partner


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So, my husband often falls into bouts of depression. He's never been clinically diagnosed, but I don't know how else to describe it. Mostly feelings dealing with lack of self-worth, self-esteem, fear of failure, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like there isn't time for anything, feeling like everyone else has it figured out and he doesn't. The same things that I think plague most people from time to time, except amplified.

 

This is causing problems for me because I don't know how to deal with it. I used to just give a pep talk or two, which would tide him over until the next bout hit, but lately I don't have the energy for it.

 

There are some things I feel I need to talk to him about, but nearly 90% of all serious conversations end up being about him and his "depression." I get really frustrated that we cannot make progress on any of these things because every time we talk, it ends up being about him, him, him.

 

One big issue is that I feel he needs to take a more active role in raising our daughter, who is 1. He probably stands a head above most husbands in this arena, because I think he helps more than most dads do. I do have high expectations but I really think he should be able to meet them. How can I tell him I appreciate what he does, but I need it to be more, especially if there is such a huge chance it will turn into a "woe-is-me" song from him?

 

The other thing is that our housing situation is sort of at a crossroads, and picking our next home has many implications on our future, as we are contemplating a business on which the home and location would be dependent. For example, we considered buying a smaller place and putting our dream business on hold. We'd be able to pay cash for this thing and just save money we would otherwise spend on mortgage interest. We would do well financially to do this, but his response? "I would not be proud to live in a condo." Seriously! I'd be proud that we paid cash for our first place! But he focuses on how he'd be embarrassed to live in a condo rather than a house.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can lift him out of these trenches while maintaining my sanity? How I can prevent conversations from degrading to his off-topic issues? Can you tell me if I'm being unreasonable? Sometimes I am and I need someone to point it out.

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I think first and foremost you husband needs to see his doctor and/or a counselor to see if he needs medication. It sounds like this is taking an extreme toll on his life and everyone/everything around him. He needs to work on himself before he can work on anything or anyone else.

 

If he's broken in his mind, then he'll need to fix that before he can fix the marriage, how he deals with his child, etc.

 

Also, he has to WANT to fix things for himself. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themself.

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Symptoms of Depression When To Get ...
Symptoms of Depression When To Get Help

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