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Protecting their heart? Confused too? Or having cake?


tattoobunnie
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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A month ago, I initiated a heart to heart with my boyfriend of 8 months. He and I had been acting distant, and we both agreed to take a break for a few weeks to see what happens. We both shared fears of commitment, and jadedness from previous relationships (and I mean, they were horrific). Tells me I sound so confused. We weren't sure if we were ready to take the next steps (moving in, marriage). A week later, it was a clear break-up. I was ready to let him go. A few days later, he pretends to be stranded somewhere in an unsightly hour, and begs for me to get him. I do. The car ride to his house, he says, "Timing was our problem. We were meant to be best friends like Jerry & Elaine from Seinfeld. You need to decide! We can be best friends, or we can be enemies!" We get to the house, he says we need to continue talking, and tells me to come inside. We sleep. Wake up, Get it on, get breakfast.

 

He doesn't really stay friends with exs. I just about never do at all.

 

After some personal soul-searching, I realized how my own fears attributed to the sabotage of a very enjoyable, loving, trusting, and compatible relationship. (Long story about my issues.) I email him about it, and ask him if he would be open to the possibility of trying again, and to take his time to think about it. He agrees to read a book about fears of commitment I dropped off for him.

 

After some LC, and another week, I then realized how miserable I was without him. I tell my buddy what happened between us, and he tells me, "of course he agreed to the break-up. He's being a dude, and trying to protect himself. You want him? Go fight for him!"

 

I call up the ex, calmly, tell him I miss him. Thanks me. Then, he tells me he misses me too. I tell him about this b-day present I got him, and ask if I can drop it off. He agrees. I get there. It's late. Answers the door naked...he's already been sleeping. So I get into bed with him. We go to sleep, wake up, fool around, watch some TV, have coffee, then I leave.

 

This weekend we were suppose to have plans, but he asked to have them moved till the following weekend with plans he had forgotten about. We'll be doing some fun stuff. No big deal...caught a bad cold anyway this week.

 

I want him back. I love him. He's awesome. I wanna be with him. While I know we can't change the past, I want to move forward with him. Take it one day at a time. (And no, I don't plan on getting it on with him next week.) More treat it like a first date.

 

A part of me wonders if this is possible...a part of me wonders if he's just wanting to stay friends to cushion the blow. And another part of me wonders if he is just in it for his own ego. And another part of me is not concerned about what bad could happen, and just take it slow and see how it goes. My friends are rooting for him (what does that tell ya!). They say that he doesn't want to get hurt, and I pretty much did. A few years ago, his ex-wife refused to work on the marriage in counseling, and they had it annulled. And I pulled something similar on him. I haven't pressed him about the whole getting back together part yet. I've made it clear, just giving him the time to think. I have hated in the past when people have tried to force the issue on me...I'm not about to do that to him. I'm trying to woo him a bit with the b-day gift from his favorite store, a fun card, and initiating cool plans.

 

What does everyone think?

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And another part of me is not concerned about what bad could happen, and just take it slow and see how it goes.

 

 

Listen to this part : )

 

BTW: not sure what I'd call your current relationship, but "friends" is not a term that comes to mind (!) Seems like you're both in reconciliation mode, just taking it slow. As long as you're honest and patient, I think things will go well. Best of luck to you.

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I think 'patience' is vital in these situations.

 

If it's going to happen, it will do so without rushing it. It will happen naturally and in it's own time. Meantime, patience!!

 

All the signs are good though.....I'd say it looked promising.

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So this past Friday, he asks for me to come over. It was late and I had to get up early, so I declined. On Saturday, I told him I was at a concert, when really I was nursing a cold. While we texted throughout the day, I noticed he reposted his dating profile, to which he had spent his Saturday night on, instead of going to this party he was suppose to go to. Giving me 10 reasons why he didn't want to go.

 

I didn't bring up the dating profile thing. We're not back together officially. Last time he had it up, it was for a day or so 3 weeks ago, saying he was bored and lonely. But took it right down when I yes, flipped out over it, since he had pics I took of him from our vacation together. Though this time, the pics were gone.

 

On Sunday, he asked me to come over to have some dinner. Again, I declined...I wasn't willing to look like a sick-ling in front of him...rather look all tip-top. A little later, he tells me how badly in shape he is from all this work he did to the house. I tell him to take a bath, and that he needs a massage. He coaxes me for one. I agree since his birthday was the following day, today. I go over. We hang out. Shows me all the work he did, and how he planted the tree I got him a while back. Catch up. Talk about all the stuff we're gonna see and do on Saturday, and he adds more stuff to our agenda. I give him a massage. He is aroused. I ask him, "isn't this a job for someone else." He goes, "No!" We get it on. It was actually very-very loving. The next morning, he opens up the b-day present I got him, a tie, and wears it to work.

 

Now...I think a few weeks ago, I would have wigged out about the whole dating profile thing. Right now, I am oddly chalking it up to either boredom, filling a void, or trying to get a reaction out of me, since he knows I check it out every once in a while (I don't have one posted. Just addictive to look, like this site is to read). And I don't have a right to protest or make a big stink, since there are no guarantees or promises made on my part or his yet.

 

So my question is...should I be fretting about the whole dating profile more so? Or just see it as a little healthy competition?...Like Bring IT!

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It sounds really good. I wouldn't worry about the dating profile. You're real, there and he's engaging with you. You have history together.

 

When I split up with my ex, I went on a dating site and when we reconciled, I stayed on it off and on for about a month, until I was sure that we were really back together. Although I surfed it, I didn't set up any dates. I had no desire to.

 

Just my personal experience, so others may feel differently.

 

Best of luck

 

Susie

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It sounds really good. I wouldn't worry about the dating profile. You're real, there and he's engaging with you. You have history together.

 

When I split up with my ex, I went on a dating site and when we reconciled, I stayed on it off and on for about a month, until I was sure that we were really back together. Although I surfed it, I didn't set up any dates. I had no desire to.

 

Just my personal experience, so others may feel differently.

 

Best of luck

 

Susie

 

Thank you for sharing that!

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Well...had our date. A whole day of site-seeing that ends with him saying, "I want to know you forever. But I'm afraid. I'm not a good person. And I never want to get married again. You should give up on me."

 

So that's it. Even if down the line, he heals, or whatever reasons he has...there's no point in continuing.

 

I feel like such a sham. All my hope talk. In reality, I just pick the wrong men, or I drive them away. The idea of finally finding my happy ending...it's not in the cards for me.

 

Thanks for your support, everybody.

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He's scared... and why should you feel like a sham? You did what you thought was right. He feels pressured to come up with something that will make it okay. I'd hang back and not pressure him as much and just do your thing.

 

Your hope talk has helped a lot here that looked on the negative side of the coin. Never give up hope... just realize that he simply doesn't want what you want at the moment- which is a full on committed relationship with all the bells and whistles.

 

Step back fully... there is more to this than he is telling you.

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doiiiieeezie...I appreciate you saying that about my hope talk.

 

I wanna ask you to clarify with 2 lines...perhaps to regain some sense of humor, one is hokey, "so he's just not that into me" and the other being, "what more could there be that he is not telling me other than emotional madness?"

 

And what do you mean by this, "He feels pressured to come up with something that will make it okay."

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Hmm... I don't think that he is not into you(i hate that movie and book.)... I think that you two haven't spent time apart. You two have been in LC since the breakup, right?

 

I think I can only speak about this because a friend of mine who is on your ex's position is going through the same thing. Perhaps (and I am not assuming) he thinks that he is not good enough for anyone either... have you two talked about his previous marriage? And what happened? Many who have gone through a traumatic experience will carry that baggage with them no matter what. He is scared, probably doesn't feel worthy and by what has happened with you two, it may be too much too fast. Are you looking for a full serious relationship with him again or are you comfortable with you two taking it slow... I don't know if you two have actually taken that option.

 

PM me if you want further clarification... and I am sorry that you are having a bad day. Hang in there.

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I'm mailing a letter to him to let him know that I care about him, I'm not mad or disappointed, but that we should take the time a part from each other. We only managed 9 days at first of no contact, which changed to every few then almost every day. I'm not doing this to punish him, but I recognize how much we are enabling each other by avoiding the personal issues we need to work out.

 

In all honesty, the prior relationship that still has me busted up and worn out, it was only perhaps 3 weeks before meeting up with "guy" that I told him we need to cut ties. I did so knowing I could meet the "guy" with no strings of another. And I see that I've never taken the time to heal.

 

I know he wants me in his life, and I want him in mine. I told him we will be, that we are friends. I need to take time to get myself back, and it's been gone longer before we met.

 

I won't know if he'll take my lead, or if he has any interest in working out his own issues, but I wish him well. I'm nervous. This may be the end. But it's for the best. I love him, and I want him. I don't think I can keep going in the state I am in.

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