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The last pang of pain...


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I haven't been on this since earlier this year and find myself yearning for some support and words of encouragement. Here is my story:

 

As of Jan 2009, I broke up with my bf of 10 years after I learned he cheated on me amongst other things. In retrospect, we had a very unhealthly relationship. He was my first love and the only man I had been with and I think the relationship that was once passionate and loving turned into a co-dependent and manipulative one over time. Despite it all, througout my years with him, I loved him to death... to the point where I co-signed a loan, went against my family, and own values/morals for him. I gave up so much to make things work. I should have known that because I was so willing to compromise myself to accommodate his needs, that our relationship should have ended way before earlier this year. What resulted in me breaking up with him, was when he missed Christmas w/ my family, New Year's eve, and was unreachable several nights in December 2008. He started picking fights w/ me and criticized me nonstop. He resented me for being more successful than him and also found ways to make me feel like I was the one to blame for our arguments.

 

So, I snooped around his stuff and keep in mind that I have never snoop through his stuff before but some nagging feeling told me to do so. As a result, I learned that he had cheated on me in the past as well as had begun a relationship w/ a girl he met at his college. He is 27 years old and the girl was of course way younger than he and I. I of course confronted him and broke up with him. He denied everything despite the obvious proof. The plus side, is that I learned after our break-up that the loan I co-signed cancelled after he failed to provide additional info to the lender ( THANK GOD!).

 

Anyways, a couple of days ago, I decided to facebook search the girl he cheated on me with him and saw a pic of her kissing him as her profile pic. Although it wasn't a surprise, it still hurt to know that it appeared that he was in another relationship while I am still hurting from a relationship that I know was not right for me. I know I am way better off being alone than be with someone who hurt me beyond repair but I can't help feel sad and wonder what the heck is wrong w/ me. I've dated tons of guys since the breakup but have not met anyone who is worth pursuing a relationship with. I also know that I am still trying to cope and heal so I don't want to jump into a relationship until I am absolutely ready. I have a loving family, a great circle of friends, and terrific job but a part of me is still unhappy because of the break-up.

 

Why can't I just move on and not concern myself about my ex?

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One thing that is part of what makes us human is our emotions. You invested so much in this man and your relationship with him. Unfortunately you cannot turn off those strong feelings towards him like a light switch. Which is what's making the aftermath for you so difficult. However this clearly shows how much stronger you are than him. Do no doubt yourself for one minute that your better off working things out with the ex. He basically said " * * * * you" every time he went to see this girl. Straight disrespect you and shown his true colors.

 

In fact if your feeling a little blue then check this out, don't be sad get even:

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Ten years is a long time with someone. So of course you're not over him in a few months. The fact that he has moved on so quickly just shows his character. I know it hurts to see him with another girl -- you think who is this person that I thought I knew so well? I think the sadness you feel is more about missing the closeness with someone and having the security of the relationship, but I think you only are thinking about him in particular because you saw the picture. I could be wrong of course...wouldn't be the first time.

 

I think you are very aware of what the problems were in your relationship; therefore, I think you know rationally that you are better off moving forward without him. It still hurts, but you are successful, young, and single. You should enjoy yourself for a few years before you even consider settling down with one guy.

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This has everything to do with the fact he's still with the girl he left you for and you haven't met anyone IMO. Its seems so unfair..right? It is unfair. Though take from this that you dont actually need anyone and you are pretty sorted on your own from what I gather. Its always hard to see an ex with someone else for an undetermined amount of time post break up though it will pass. I have been there umpteen times.

 

I've had a number of relationships and nearly every time the girl who left me has married the next guy she went out with. Says alot about me eh!

 

I feel for you all the same. Its a rubbish thing when you are so far down the road but I'll remind you that when you do meet someone you will wonder what the fuss was all about. The chances are you will meet someone with a real future and he will split with her. Probably.

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Thank you for your comments, everyone.

 

Yes, the fact that he is 1) with someone and 2) that someone happens to be the one he cheated with on me - has literally brought back feelings of betrayal and anger. The breakup happened in January and I recalled myself going through hell. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. It broke me to pieces knowing that someone I trusted and loved could inflict so much pain. But as time/months passed, I found myself moving on in a healthy and natural way. I dated other people, focused on my career, travelled, and spent time with friends & family. For a while I thought I was getting over him and the breakup.

 

BUT - I forgot to mention that a month ago, his sister contacted me to wish me a happy birthday. She and I were never really close but it was such a shock that she would remember and even contact me given the obvious situation btwn her brother and I. It bought a tear to my eye and made me think about him and how this was the first year I was not spending my birthday with him. I think his sister contacting was the catalyst to me to facebook searching the girl he cheated on me with.

 

Anyways, I know I deserve better and that he's no longer worth my tears but I feel like I am back at where I was in Jan, when we first broke up. I just am having a hard time dealing with the fact he is in relationship when I can't even stop hurting from the breakup.

 

I know I have to be strong and trust that things will get better but it's hard

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I'm sorry JuneBug. I hate when I get sentimental. I think that's what's happening to you. But just remember that you are NOT back at January's level. You have done a lot of work and this is just a temporary setback. When you start to think about him, try to push the thoughts out of your head. That's what coolchick said to do and it seems to work. Keep posting if it helps. We're here.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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