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Should you stay in a relationship just because your pregnant?


bella8644

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My boyfriend and I have dated on and off for a year and a half. We've been close friends for even longer. He lives w me and we are expecting a child. My concern is he says he wants the relationship to work and that he's trying to build the relationship. But he gets completely agitated if i ask him about his feelings. I've known him for a long time and have seen him easily become emotionally involved with other women. So it concerns me that even with all the emotional things we're going through right now he doesn't seem to know how he feels about me. As much as I want this to work I don't think being together solely because of the child will set a good example for the child in the future. We had issues before the baby. I'm concerned that he's either not ready for a relationship or is not sure he wants one w me. He is just soo distant and gets mad everytime I ask him anything. He's even referred to me as the baby mama to other people and said that he's with me "for now". Although he won't admit it when i asked him about it. I don't understand how someone can say how hard they're trying and how much they want to be a family and yet they act like this. I know I'm extra sensitive and emotional during pregnancy but this can't all be blamed on that. I guess I'm looking for opinions on whether or not i should give him time to figure things out or if he should move out and although i still hope for the best should I prepare for us to raise this child together but with separate lives. Sometimes it helps to get a non-biased perspective.

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Any decision you make in regards to your relationship will be easier to carry out pregnant than it will with a newborn child. My suggestion is to either decide to split before you are seven months along, or after your baby turns nine months old if it involves you having to move your residence.

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He's even referred to me as the baby mama to other people and said that he's with me "for now".

 

Are the people who told you this, reliable sources? How did you come to find that out?

 

If he did indeed say that- then I think it would be best to cut your losses now.

 

If his heart is not in this, you don't really need him. He will always be a conflict of interest and likely make your life harder. Parenting relationships only work well when both parties are fully in it "together" and are there to support one another. You can have the baby on your own and spare yourself the stress and drama. Hopefully he will want a relationship with his child regardless of whether you stay with him.

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Yeah this is gonna sound bad. but i know he made those comments because I looked at his text messages. I've never in my life had trust or jealousy issues in a relationship. I just had a nagging feeling that there is a lot he's not telling me so I looked and thats what I found. It's hard because I'm close with his family. They've all told me how happy they are that he's having this child with me. I hate the idea of breaking up the family but cannot put up with disrespect. It's crossed my mind that he could be acting out because of all the stress but his behaviour is still not acceptable. Im thinking about trying couples counseling. Can't think of any other options.

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Counseling is an option- but he doesn't sound like the type that wants to talk about anything.

 

You can still have a realtionship with his family without having to be treated badly by him.

 

If you want to give it one last shot, talk to him about counseling and how it is crucial if your relationship is to survive. If he brushes you off, then let that help make your decision for you.

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The fact that he's even dogging the mother of his child like that is disrespectful and sickening; some nerve. Being pregnant doesn't mean that you have to take emotional abuse, so no, you don't have to stay unhappy just because you're pregnant. But I can't tell you what to do sweetheart, but I hope you find the strength to make that decision eventually.

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I'm normally a "people don't change" guy....but the one exception to that is having kids. Personally, for the sake of the baby, I think you need to try a full-on effort at relationship salvation now. You can always bail later if it doesn't go anywhere, but at least see if he is willing to meet you half way.

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I agree with MoTay. I've got three kids and let me tell you, it won't be easy to take care of that baby alone. This is a major decision that will affect all three of you for years to come. I'd put aside all thoughts of splitting up until after you have the baby and get through those first several months. See how things are at that point. Hey, if you two can get through that together, your relationship is on more solid ground than you realize! For now, invest all of your energy in getting your relationship as strong as possible. Counseling is a great idea. But don't waste a minute trying to decide whether to stay. Unless you're in danger or he's abusive, just stay for now.

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True. I def believe that the ideal situation would be that we could work things out. But I also don't think staying in a negative relationship sets a good example for the child in the future. I'm def gonna try counseling because even if we don't stay together we're still gonna have to raise the child together. I've tried everything else so maybe this will help. Maybe an outsider can get him to discuss things instead of just getting angry and defensive. I've tried and it's not working.

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He's even referred to me as the baby mama to other people and said that he's with me "for now".

 

I'd tell him time's up then.

 

Don't stay just for the baby, it's really not a good idea. The 3 of you will just end up miserable. You can both co-parent the child without being together. Happens all the time.

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True. I def believe that the ideal situation would be that we could work things out. But I also don't think staying in a negative relationship sets a good example for the child in the future. I'm def gonna try counseling because even if we don't stay together we're still gonna have to raise the child together. I've tried everything else so maybe this will help. Maybe an outsider can get him to discuss things instead of just getting angry and defensive. I've tried and it's not working.

 

I'm sorry that you have to go through this right now. I'm glad that you have things all sorted out. Your last resort would be to try counseling. However, it's not guaranteed that he will want to voice his feelings, he might not even feel that anything is wrong. If he still refuses to change, then you're absolutely right on cutting your losses. This is not healthy at all, and you should not stay with him just for the sake of the baby. I know it's a tough situation and how you don't want to part with his family, but you deserve to be happy too. Good luck.

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Maybe I should clarify that all his good friends are friends with me. He would never talk about me like that to them. All the texts I saw were to people that he barely knows and that I haven't met. Mostly music people he works with and men and woman that he promotes to. I don't know if it's a male quality to have to look cool and act like you don't care about things. Maybe some of the men on here can offer some insight. I'm just having a difficult time figuring out who the real man is. The one that says he wants to be with me and have a family or the "tough guy" who acts so distrespectful.

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But there is obviously some part of him that knows his behaviour is wrong because he ONLY talks that way to the people that don't know both of us.

 

Is it because he knows it is wrong and feels bad, or simply because he does not want to "get caught"? Messages like that are very disrespectful, no matter who he has sent them to.

 

I would let him know what you found and give him the ultimatum for counseling.

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I think a part of him feels guilty. But as long as he thinks I don't know about it he can avoid having to face it. It's immature and disrespectful either way though. Its like he knows his behaviour is wrong but he keeps doing stupid things to distract him from having to deal with the things he's already done. Maybe I'm over analyzing..who knows.

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I was in a very very similar situation. I got pregnant by my long time friend who I'd always had a connection with. He sucked so bad to begin with honestly. He was a drug addict though, which was the main problem obviously. He kept telling me that he was gonna change and blah blah blah. He'd take 2 steps forward and 1 step back every time. He was disrespectful and emotionally closed off. I was as upset as you are every single day.

 

Skip ahead 2 and a half years and we're still together pretty much happily so as well. The man had to grow up and accept responsibility. We still fight and we are both still young and in need of maturity, but I thank god all the time that I stayed through the absolute hell that I lived in during my pregnancy. My daughter has the best father possible.

 

My point: I knew it wasn't a healthy or happy relationship or whatever, but I had made a baby with this man and I had a responsibility to her to try my hardest regardless to make it work with her father. I showed up at houses at 3 or 4 in the morning where he was doing drugs raising absolute hell, because I wanted a real father for my daughter. I had known him long enough to know that he wasn't really as sorry as he was acting, even though our relationship together was new. And he has thanked me repeatedly for staying. And even if for some crazy reason we break up for good one day, I'll never regret staying. If I hadn't shown him that I believed he could be a good father and good partner, it would have been a heck of a lot longer, if ever, before he grew up and accepted responsibility.

 

You guys might disagree with me, but I really feel like when you make a baby with somebody you really do have a responsibility to give a relationship with the other parent a chance, and that the normal relationship rules don't always apply. I would have walked away a thousand times from my boyfriend had I not have been pregnant for the completely irresponsible, plain ignorant things he said and did. But I'm tied to this man for eternity regardless. We are going to be in our 50s or 60s at the same birthday party for our grandchildren, you know? And I couldn't stand always wondering, "what if?" You know? And thankfully for us and our daughter we weathered the storm and turns out we really do love each other.

 

My advice: stay and try to make it work until you are absolutely positive you do not want this man and you can live with the decision you make. Good luck.

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Thanks Anna. It's good to hear someone has been there before. The last thing I want to do is give up. Just hoping there is something that can be done besides just playing ignorant and allowing negative things to happen. I can't act like his behaviour is okay just to keep the peace. But I am willing to do whatever work it requires to make this better.

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If I were you, I wouldn't play ignorant. I've only got my experience to go from, but everytime I gave my bf an inch, he took a mile. So I was just honest. I told him if he wanted a relationship with me or our child he had to get it together. I was tough on him and he wasn't a pushover, we fought I mean FOUGHT A LOT, like everyday. But you gotta be real, you know? He really did suck and he really couldn't be in our lives the way he was and he needed to be told so. And he knew I was serious, the thought of not having me and our daughter in his life scared him enough to hang in there, too, even if I was emotional and crazy and whatever else in his mind.

 

Maybe your bf needs a wake up call too. I know what its like with an emotionally unavailable man. You might have to tell the him what you know, without being emotional, and basically demand respect or you're gone. Let him know you mean business. You are the mother of his unborn child and you are willing to give a relationship your all and you deserve that in return. He might have it up that you are stuck with him and he can do and say as he pleases, but he can't. Girl, do not keep the peace for peace's sake alone. you were right when you talked about showing that baby a healthy relationship. Even now I will stop my boyfriend in a heartbeat, even if I know it will lead to an argument, and ask him, would you let a man talk to or treat our daughter that way? then don't talk to me or treat me that way either. It's still an issue, but not very often anymore. Sometimes you gotta remind a man just how much you are worth

 

Keep us updated, and I'm here if you need me

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There is a lot mind-reading going on here. I suppose it's natural to resort to that when you know your man's not sharing everything with you.

 

But other than those texts, which could really be nothing or could be serious, only time will tell, has he done anything else bad? Like disrespect you to your face, or cheat, or not pull his weight with the relationship, the child, and the home? I would focus on his real actions, not the texts, and take the measure of him from those. You will experience much less frustration, much more certainty, and perhaps some peace of mind.

 

He has a right to his privacy and what you are experiencing right now is the reason why -- because many thoughts that pass through our heads, or which we share with others, even, are throw-aways. They are not going be seriously acted upon. Examine your own thoughts and the things you've said to people, and see your own throw-away thoughts.

 

So, what are his *actions*?

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But he gets completely agitated if i ask him about his feelings.

 

I've known him for a long time and have seen him easily become emotionally involved with other women.

 

I would stop asking him how he feels. He's pretty much said he doesn't want to talk about it, and you don't get to make him. Again, look at the actions instead and go from there. Is he respectful to your face, does he do what he says he will, etc?

 

Also, I would cease comparing your relationship with his others. From reading your thread, it sounds like you are the first women to bear a child of his? So those other relationships would not even be a good comparison. He is going to be different in this relationship, because the addition of a child makes things different.

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Hey I def appreciate everyone's response. Although I do have to say that disrespect is disrespect regardless if it's to my face or behind my back. And we may all have negative thoughts from time to time. But I have yet to disrespect my boyfriend to friends or random people I might meet out. That's part of the reason I'm on here. To avoid actually involving other people in our relationship. This site has given me an opportunity to vent and also get an outide opinion. I strongly believe that if you care about someone.....you act like it. If a man feels the need to act like a woman isn't important to him, he probably shouldn't be in her life.

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