What do I say to a BF doubting the replationship?

[shellderella]

So some background:

 

Off an on with my BF for around 5 years now. I really love him, and truly believe he loves me too. But every few months, usually when times in his life get difficult, he doubts our relationship. Even if everything between us is going fine, if something else isn't, it's the relationship that takes the hit.

 

I think he feels out of control on many aspects of his life, and the relationship is one that he feels he can still control and affect. So time and time again, I get dumped and then the day or week later phone call with "I screwed up, I was confused, I'm sorry."

 

I honestly think he wants to be with me, and just doesn't handle stress well. I've approached him on it, but conversation at that time is difficult. I'm hurt that he's considering ending it again, and get emotional. He wants to "sort things out" himself, which usually ends in the breakup.

 

So I guess my question is how do I get him to see that it's not necessarily the relationship that needs to end, but that he needs to deal with stress better? I'm so sick of being hurt by the fact he's constantly doubting us, and then isn't when the stressful times are over!

[ohdammm]

It seems like you are answering yourself with what you wrote! You know exactly what you need to tell him sweetie! From what you are saying, he doesn't deal with stress the way that he should, and he runs away from the people he needs ( being you ) in stressful situations.

 

My other guess would be, cheating? Unless there are no signs, then there should be no worries with that. I just dont see why when times get tough you would run away from a loved one whom you have been with for 5 years when you should be running towards that person for help and support?

 

Talking is going to be your best solution. If he doesnt want to then you need to make him. Tell him how you feel. Its not fair for you, especially if you have been together for this long, this is something that should be solved by now, not something that should constantly be getting worse. What would happen if you guys were to ever get married? He cant just walk away and sort things out when he gets stressed.. Your feelings are important and he needs to not be so selfish and think about you as well when he is doing this.. You need to probe and find out WHY he does this.. because it seems as if these breaks are doing nothing except breaking you apart.

[Ms Darcy]

Honey, he does this because you let him. He knows he can have doubts, leave you, and then come back and be with you again.

 

The real question is why don't you feel strong enough to find a love that won't doubt you. It's more than likely that if you two stay together, he's going to be like this with you for years.

[SnowFox]

Through your behavior you are telling him that this is OK with you. You stay with him even though he breaks up with you and then comes back. There aren't any words you can use that will be stronger than what your actions are already telling him.

 

I don't know your age, but if your goal is to have children some day, you might need to ask yourself is a man who gets so overwhelmed by his problems on a consistent basis going to be a stable father figure for your children? Would you want to have children with someone who might leave you one day?

 

If you don't want children, then it comes back to asking yourself, how many years of your life are you willing to invest in someone who isn't able to stay committed to you through the problems we all face in life?

 

I wish I could be more optimistic, but unfortunately, this man is showing you who he is and what he is capable of. Its your choice whether or not that is acceptable to you.

[bronte]

I was in a relationship with a guy exactly like that--completely crazy about me until he got stressed by other things in his life, and then I became his emotional punching bag. He thought he could take out his anxiety on me and I would always still be there when his life calmed down again, and he had good reason to think it, because I let the same cycle repeat itself way too many times.

 

Well, I'm gone now. And it hurt an INCREDIBLE amount to leave, and still does, but the longer I spend out of the relationship the more clearly I can see that leaving was the only healthy option he left me. So yes, try to talk to your guy, try to help him see how destructive his behavior is, but also don't be afraid to walk away if you need to. I know it's not what you want to hear or even start to think about, but we all deserve a relationship where we feel secure in the knowledge that, even during the bad times, our partner will be there for us and trust us to be there for them.