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My dad keeps cheating on my mother...


Luke Skywalker

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Here are the facts of this case:

 

For the longest while, my dad has been using the internet to meet girls under the guise of being their sugar daddy and has been giving money to these girls for whatever reasons.

 

I found out about this and shared it with my mother because my dad doesn't delete his text messages (until he is caught).

 

It turns out he is still seeing some girl -- but here is the thing, I'm helping my dad by giving him loans to run a business where he's always broke after paying his workers and it's like pulling teeth to collect money back from him. I'm rightfully suspecting that this is a cover for the excuse that he's paying money to a girl as a sugar-daddy behind our back -- which is supposed to be paid back as a loan.

 

This is what my mother and I get for propping my dad up and helping him support a business, so he can take liberties behind our back to be a sugar daddy to some girl based on money that is owing to me for these loans.

 

Frankly, my mom is no longer interested in having sex with dad and is fed up with him, and I'm losing respect. He went to the hospital a few times taking viagara herbals for this girl since there is no reason for him to take it at home.

 

**********************

 

My proposed solution is collecting more money than my dad actually owes me -- that is I'm collecting an excess of $ 2000 from what he actually owes.

Eventually, I make my collections.

 

If he continues this lifestyle, I'm going to threaten to lose my virginity with a prostitute and use that "excess" money in a suicidal plot of losing my virginity with a prostitute should he continue this behaviour. (Don't intend to spend that much of the money on that, maybe less than $ 100) Right now, there is an envelope somewhere with that excess money sitting there as black-mail funds.

 

In the past -- on Nov 29, 2006, he distracted and talked me out of a random hook-up for free from AFF -- now is the time to exact revenge for that and use any extra collected money as blackmail.

 

My mom doesn't care about dad as she is too old and is not able to start any divorce proceedings ... she just wants dad to contribute to the bills of the home and pay back the debts owing.

 

**************

 

Let's see if this little scheme will work. Anyone have any other ideas about this?

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Oh good grief! Luke, you know me and my posts (I used to be silentwisdom), so you know I'm also a virgin who's older than the average virgin.

 

But what good does this do to help your father? If you want to see a prostitute, that should be your business and only your business; your family shouldn't even know about it. The biggest mistake you've ever made was telling your father that you wanted to see that hooker, and the second biggest mistake was letting him tell you not to do it, and you following his orders. You're a grown ass man. I'm not saying that you can't fall back on your parents for advice, because they're your parents, but once you get to a certain age, love/dating/relationships become more of a friends/therapist conversation topic rather than something you discuss with your parents.

 

And if you don't want to see this hooker, why are you blackmailing your dad and saying you will? Dude, sometimes I wonder if you like being miserable. It's not very Christian (not going to get into a religious debate with you over this, but just saying) to blackmail members of your family.

 

I'm doing a huge facepalm right now.

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i second this. i don't understand at all.

there are lawyers and courts for these types of dealings...why in the world would you resort to illegal activity with prostitutes?

 

Who said anything about "illegal". Here in Toronto, Canada it is quite legal, there are escort review boards, and it seems tolerated if it's done by certain newspapers, and internet in a discreet way to arrange stuff.

 

I want to give my dad a taste of his own hypocritical medicine. His actions will result in me getting corrupted. He wanted to stop me before because he was worried I would become a sex addict if I continued on the path I was on. So, if he's going to play games with money that belongs to the family, then I'm going to play games too. After all, he is setting the example for the home.

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Oh good grief! Luke, you know me and my posts (I used to be silentwisdom), so you know I'm also a virgin who's older than the average virgin.

 

Okay. I'll refer to you as silentwisdom if you prefer.

 

But what good does this do to help your father? If you want to see a prostitute, that should be your business and only your business; your family shouldn't even know about it.

 

If my dad really cares that I don't become a corrupted sex addict that spends money for a fix then he better change his lifestyle otherwise, his little sugar daddy laisons will be more damaging then he things. I want him to know that I'm watching him, and I've set aside at least $ 1000 for a vice purpose and if he continues, then I'll let him know how he likes it to see me spend money on stuff like this.

 

 

The biggest mistake you've ever made was telling your father that you wanted to see that hooker, and the second biggest mistake was letting him tell you not to do it, and you following his orders. You're a grown ass man. I'm not saying that you can't fall back on your parents for advice, because they're your parents, but once you get to a certain age, love/dating/relationships become more of a friends/therapist conversation topic rather than something you discuss with your parents.

 

What hooker? I'm not planning to see any hooker now. Are you talking about Nov 29, 2006? That was not a hooker. That was a "random girl" who wanted to deflower me at that time. Since that date there was no follow-up and I just ran from the whole thing.

 

Right now I don't have any specific hooker in mind. It's just the principle of the thing.

 

And if you don't want to see this hooker, why are you blackmailing your dad and saying you will? Dude, sometimes I wonder if you like being miserable. It's not very Christian (not going to get into a religious debate with you over this, but just saying) to blackmail members of your family.

 

I'm showing that my dad is setting an example by his behaviour. If he continues with his shameful behaviour, then he loses all credibility by saying he doesn't want to see me get STDs or turn into a sex addict when I see him go to hospital because of heart problems caused by viagara and other sex herbals and taking the family money and using that as a prop to his sugar daddy antics.

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Okay. I'll refer to you as silentwisdom if you prefer.

 

Please refer to me as LightbulbSun. I changed my name for a reason, I hated silentwisdom.

 

 

 

If my dad really cares that I don't become a corrupted sex addict that spends money for a fix then he better change his lifestyle otherwise, his little sugar daddy laisons will be more damaging then he things. I want him to know that I'm watching him, and I've set aside at least $ 1000 for a vice purpose and if he continues, then I'll let him know how he likes it to see me spend money on stuff like this.

 

So every man who pays for a hooker every now and then is a corrupted sex addict? Listen man, I'm a virgin, but I do know that a lot of people are out there having casual sex. Like I said, I'm not getting into a religious debate with you, but it's the norm. If people aren't out paying hookers, they're meeting in bars or somewhere else.

 

Your dad having casual sex isn't the problem. The fact that he's cheating on your mom while he's doing it is.

 

What hooker? I'm not planning to see any hooker now. Are you talking about Nov 29, 2006? That was not a hooker. That was a "random girl" who wanted to deflower me at that time. Since that date there was no follow-up and I just ran from the whole thing.

 

Okay, I misunderstood the situation. Still, it was a girl who wanted to have sex with you. Were you attracted to her? Did you (and I stress YOU) want to have sex with her? If so, then why did you drag your dad into the equation?

 

Like I said, you're a grown man. It's your decision whether you want to have sex, and who you want to have sex with. Not your father's.

 

Right now I don't have any specific hooker in mind. It's just the principle of the thing.

 

And you're free to do whatever you want. If you want to stay a virgin, stay a virgin. But do you? If your morals are telling you (as a Christian) that you shouldn't go see a hooker, why would you blackmail a member of your family and go against your morals? Never mind your dad doing the immoral thing by cheating on your mom. Two wrongs don't make a right.

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Please do NOT carry out self-destructive behavior in order to express disappointment/anger towards someone else.

 

You canNOT really manipulate someone into doing something (or NOT do something) by threatening to put yourself in harm's way. I understand (sort of) the logic behind it: you do so with the wish that the other person loves you enough, cares about you enough to stop whatever it is they're doing to "save" you, but in most cases, they CANNOT stop -- NOT because they dont love you but bc they're addicted (in a way) and cannot stop on their own.

 

The best way is to be direct with your dad: tell him that you know about his infidelity. Tell him that you will try to support him in any way that you can SO THAT HE CAN STOP and try to fix his marriage with your mom (IF that's something BOTH of them want).

BUT also tell him that you will NOT put up with his cheating ways -- if he wants to be with this other girl, fine, BUT he should really resolve things with your mother first re: divorce.

 

This must've been a terrible thing for you to discover and I'm sorry. Hope you and your mom can support each other through this ordeal. Take care of yourself (and your mom).

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reply to ellie2006 -- I`ll deal with lightbulb after if there is anything to respond.

 

There is no intentions to carry out with this scheme. I merely have an envelope full of cash stashed away - but it is more of a fantasy of going with an escort, rather than going with one. Once dad behaviour changes, the money will simply go back into my bank account.

 

I`m resolved not to see any hooker, at least not before February 10, 2010.

This was simply a blackmail ploy.

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The best way is to be direct with your dad: tell him that you know about his infidelity. Tell him that you will try to support him in any way that you can SO THAT HE CAN STOP and try to fix his marriage with your mom (IF that's something BOTH of them want).

 

My dad's infidelity is already well known by my mother and myself. What is inferiorating about it is that he is using money to buy yonger woman's attention that doesn't belong to him and as a result is unable to make his own obligations to repay back family loans. He has maxed out and has a bad credit rating. Some of the credit statements shows expensive restaurants and he admitted he took women out there. There are lots of cash withdrawls with no accountability of where the credit was spent. He had $ 14 000 in credit cards and he messed it all up. To rent a car if his car breaks down, or for other things, he always asks to use my card or uses me as a bail-out, but it's pulling teeth most of the time when it comes time to collect. One loan I had to wait a few months to get paid back for example, but eventually I got paid.

 

In a sense, I would hate to live like my dad because it seems that he pays for play, and appears he settled to marry someone because he wasn't man enough to get a woman that his family would approve of. In a sense, my lifestyle sort of echoes this. I ended up with a gf I wasn't really attracted to because I don't feel I'm man enough for women out there that I am attracted to (which I eventually dumped). I have these sort of quirks, of having fantasies for paying for pleasure or a random hook-up that pities me, so to speak, rather than having any confidence that I can pick up a girl that I am really attracted to, etc....

 

He had a twin brother who is very masculine and jerky in comparison. It looks like I got all the wrong genes or something in this combo, but that's another story.

 

BUT also tell him that you will NOT put up with his cheating ways -- if he wants to be with this other girl, fine, BUT he should really resolve things with your mother first re: divorce.

 

My mom owns everything and is on pension and doens't want to start a divorce to make divorce lawyers rich off her back.

 

She can live with the infedility because she's not having sex with him, what she can't live with is dad is not paying his fair share, or paying back debts from the family and is consorting with yonger girls instead.

 

This must've been a terrible thing for you to discover and I'm sorry. Hope you and your mom can support each other through this ordeal. Take care of yourself (and your mom).

 

It is sort of inferiorating. I have lots of access to credit and money -- if I had a vice problem, I'd probably put myself to the cleaners. My dad can't seem to handle money because he has too much vice.

 

The girl he is seeing has no respect for the family. She has mouthed off calling me a virgin and sending porn pics of her via her cell phone when I confiscated the phone from dad and she has called when my mom picked up the phone, just to call five minutes later to see if dad picked up the phone.

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Okay, I misunderstood the situation. Still, it was a girl who wanted to have sex with you. Were you attracted to her? Did you (and I stress YOU) want to have sex with her? If so, then why did you drag your dad into the equation?

 

In October-November, 2006 I was working along side with dad cutting trees. It was very time consuming. I also had a very nasty heart-break with a girl I had a crush on who didn't reciprocate back and was in a state of mind where I wanted to see if any women could like me sexually.

 

So, in answer to your question, the girl I was about to meet, I did feel some sort of sexual chemistry in the air. She may not have been the most physically attractive, but felt like someone that I'd just want to **** and if my dad didn't stop me, I don't know what would have happened.

 

It was a scenerio where, for whatever reason, it just didn't feel totally right. Also, because I was working along side my dad for all that time, you cant help but spurt something out if you are doing something that extreme. The girl also called while I was working with dad. She called around noon and I told her I would call her around 4:00 p.m. because I had to meet her further away. I had a few hours to think.

 

This was all on November 29th, and I wanted to lose my virginity before the end of November, because if I didn't, I'd resolve to pay to lose it with a hooker. However, the very fact that someone was prepared to meet me, and told me that I was cute, made me feel good in itself and I just felt satisfied by the whole experience even if it was cut off. After the month ended, I just dropped it and left it alone.

 

Usually I do crazy things to see if ANY woman could be attracted to me sexually or romantically. The latest gf I had, and broke-up with is an example of that. I'm more interested to see that a woman is attracted to me as a man, as a sexual being, then whether or not I'm attracted to her or not.

 

And you're free to do whatever you want. If you want to stay a virgin, stay a virgin. But do you? If your morals are telling you (as a Christian) that you shouldn't go see a hooker, why would you blackmail a member of your family and go against your morals? Never mind your dad doing the immoral thing by cheating on your mom. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

In the right state of mind, I would like to remain a virgin until I'm married. There may be some blackmail with this concept, but as I said, I'm not planning to see any hooker at this time.

 

Right now, I just use a fleshlight and don't need a real woman to satisfy me because I'm pretty good with the fleshlight (and sometimes porn), and I'm sure a sexual experience with a woman isn't that far apart to what I'm experiencing now, especially if it a technical sort of experience with a hooker.

 

I remember last year I used to complain that I never groped a woman before or know how a but feels like. I ended up buying a blow-up doll to inflate it for the purpose of fondling it. When I fondled a real woman (who was attracted to me at the time), I said, this doesn't feel that different to the blow-up doll and felt somewhat dissapointed. Maybe I'd feel the same way about sex when I contrast it to a fleshlight - because I know about the warm and wet thing.

 

But, this is off topic -- but it seems that I'm not in a hurry to lose my virginity, if I meet the right person and marry her, or if I lose my mind at some point in the future and use a hooker or random hook-up, I don't know, but in the grand scheme of things, it's probably not a big deal.

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That's kind of backwards, to be honest (I'm talking about the last sentence.) There should be both - attraction on both sides. I can understand why you didn't meet with her now, though...you weren't attracted to her!

 

You still shouldn't have asked your dad for advice, though. I don't know how old you are, but you're somewhere in your mid 30s, right? That's old enough to know better. It would be one thing if you were 19 and just starting college, and you had no clue on what to do dating wise. But you're at least 15 years older than that.

 

Luke, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm familiar with Christianity, being that I was a Christian for 18 years (growing up), but I don't follow the faith anymore. I'm more agnostic than anything right now. So our values are different. I personally don't see anything wrong with casual sex - you do - so we're never going to agree. But I have to say this - even though I ask my mom for advice every now and then (I don't have a father to ask), I don't talk about my lack of relationships with her. That's why I see a therapist; he knows all about my lack of self confidence and shyness and virginity, and has been trying to push me to get out there dating.

 

 

 

 

It sounds like you have some hang ups about sex, and that isn't good. I know enough to know that sex does not feel like a fleshlight, or masturbation, at least if you're doing it right. In the case of a fleshlight, you have a sex tool that you're creating the vibrations yourself; in the case of sex, you have two people (who love each other) who are pushing against each other and you're actually entering someone. That's intimate. I've heard of people crying after sex; I've never heard of someone crying after using a fleshlight or other sex tool (unless they hurt themselves. :splat: )

 

Anyway, I've written too much. But I just want to say that, Luke, you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Sex is supposed to be fun - with the right person. Find the right person, and then have sex. Don't worry about fleshlights, or porn, or any of the other topics that I've seen you post about that are unrelated to actual relationships. Find a person to love.

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I think Luke has a different view of things because of the example he has seen in his family. People who do not see love in their home have a hard time recognizing it, showing it, feeling it. He has seen his father cheating on his mother all these years and thinks it is a normal thing, something he could do himself without it really bothering him. Yet he still doesn't appreciate it when his dad does it.

 

You mentioned wanting to have children awhile back, Luke. Hopefully you will change your view on cheating before you have your own son or daughter. You would want them to have a better experience growing up I think.

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That's kind of backwards, to be honest (I'm talking about the last sentence.) There should be both - attraction on both sides. I can understand why you didn't meet with her now, though...you weren't attracted to her!

 

I didn't say anywhere that I was not attracted to her. I was not comfortable with the whole thing would have been a more accurate assessment.

 

There are hookers out there that I may be attracted to physically, that doesn't mean I've ever gone to one.

 

You still shouldn't have asked your dad for advice, though. I don't know how old you are, but you're somewhere in your mid 30s, right? That's old enough to know better. It would be one thing if you were 19 and just starting college, and you had no clue on what to do dating wise. But you're at least 15 years older than that.

 

It does not matter. As I have said, I have worked along side with my dad for an extended time during those months and I didn't have any other real friends to confide in, and it's just natural that this came up while working with my dad.

 

Secondly, I may as well be 19 years old because I don't have much dating experience. This was not dating though, it was a casual hook-up with a random girl that would basically challenge my moral beliefs to their foundations and possibly corrupt them.

 

It sounds like you have some hang ups about sex, and that isn't good. I know enough to know that sex does not feel like a fleshlight, or masturbation, at least if you're doing it right.

 

But if you are a vigin and have never used a fleshlight, then how would you be able to make a comparison? I've read countless testimonies of people who said, when warm, and properly lubed, the fleshlight felt like vaginal sex.

You are free to read the forum where this is discussed.

Google: Fleshlight forum

 

 

In the case of a fleshlight, you have a sex tool that you're creating the vibrations yourself; in the case of sex, you have two people (who love each other) who are pushing against each other and you're actually entering someone. That's intimate. I've heard of people crying after sex; I've never heard of someone crying after using a fleshlight or other sex tool (unless they hurt themselves. :splat: )

 

I've had experiences of euphoria using a fleshlight, while I never had such feelings by hand-masturbating. In other words, perhaps I really have an over-active imagination and can make pretty good representations in my mind about how sex actually is. When I fantasize about someone, on cow-girl last year, I remember seeing her face squirm when I entered into her and her breasts going up and down. I read testimonials about sex, and low and behold, I read that (squirmish face when entering) somewhere about someone having sex. Therefore, with an over-active imagination like what I've got, with a sex-toy like this, I think I can get a pretty good represenation about how sex actually feels like.

 

It's like, if your mind wants to experience something bad enough, it will produce it by fantasy if it is not available in the real world. Just like a blind person may have a better sense of hearing to compensate for the blindness. My imagination compensates for what I'm unable to experience in real life.

 

Anyway, I've written too much. But I just want to say that, Luke, you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Sex is supposed to be fun - with the right person. Find the right person, and then have sex. Don't worry about fleshlights, or porn, or any of the other topics that I've seen you post about that are unrelated to actual relationships. Find a person to love.

 

The exact reason that I have fleshlights, porn, etc.. is because I am unable to get into a relationship or find the right person. I've went out there and can't make connections with anyone and I had to dump a gf I wasn't really attracted to.

 

I've just answered your question (i.e. do I want to lose my virginity, who it is I'm attracted to, etc...) point blank. We both agree that if I meet the right person, then that solves everything. Well, I guess I have not meet the right person yet then.

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IYou mentioned wanting to have children awhile back, Luke. Hopefully you will change your view on cheating before you have your own son or daughter. You would want them to have a better experience growing up I think.

 

I never said anywhere that I think cheating is alright. If I were like my father, then I would have stayed / moved-in with my ex-gf, and then when I got settled with her or confidence, then cheat on her like crazy. Maybe I would have had yonger girls on the side where I'm not satisfied. And, you know my ex-gf was the type I could cheat on and she wouldn't care as long as she believed I really loved her. Now, I have no-one, so I don't see any correlation between my dad's behaviour and my lifestyle.

 

My dad paid to have sex with 30 women before he met my mom (and lied to my mom and claimed he was a virgin) and cheated on low-live strippers or very low quality people throughout the marriage. That's one of the biggest issues here. In a sense, if my dad had real sexual conquests and cheated with high-caliber people, at least, he wouldn't be so gutter-minded. He feels he has to buy his way, spend money on women, etc.... to get anything and GLADLY pays, even if it is someone else's money (i.e. money that he owes me) -- and you know, I don't get it. Anyone with money can pay someone or spend money somewhere to get someone to be nice to you and spread their legs...totally gutter mentality.

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I'm not going to answer this all individually, but in a few paragraphs here.

 

Okay, and that's fine. Some people aren't into casual hookups. I wasn't criticizing you for it, I was just trying to understand why you did what you did.

 

And it's great that you have a good relationship with your father. My father was a lying, abusive son of a * * * * * who left my mom because she got pregnant. I would love to have a father who's as close as you are with your dad.

 

I'm just saying that it's probably best if you make some friends and confide in them. You'd feel better, and by leaving the family element out of it, you'd get better advice tailored to your situation.

 

No, I've never used a fleshlight, but I've been curious about them. I still say that it's not like entering a woman, because if you're with a sexy girl, that's an experience you won't forget. I wouldn't say that I find fleshlights particularly sexy.

 

Even though my situation is different, I also am a virgin because I A.) don't want to sleep with a hooker or just any random person, and B.) Am waiting for a loving relationship and someone to call my girlfriend. So our situations are similiar in that respect.

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No, I've never used a fleshlight, but I've been curious about them. I still say that it's not like entering a woman, because if you're with a sexy girl, that's an experience you won't forget. I wouldn't say that I find fleshlights particularly sexy.

 

That's right, of course it's not the same as entering into a sexy woman -- but the visceral experience using it isn't likely to be that far of a stretch.

 

Again, if you are looking at porn pics or have a particular women in mind to fantasize about, then then that's sexy. If you look at it, what makes a woman sexy? It's basically electrical signals from your sences being interpreted in your brain. So, what you can imagine is just as well being with a sexy woman.

 

It's just as well this is the safest way and least expensive way and most pleasurable outcome based on the risk and costs involved to experience a sexual release. If you do it other ways, then you have games, BS, or you have to spend money, not to mention risk std's etc....

 

But if you have a gf then all the power.

 

Even though my situation is different, I also am a virgin because I A.) don't want to sleep with a hooker or just any random person, and B.) Am waiting for a loving relationship and someone to call my girlfriend. So our situations are similiar in that respect.

 

That's right, we are both waiting for the right person to enter our lives.

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Oh, I thought by the things you said awhile back that you really would have cheated on this woman if you thought you could get by with it. I thought the only real reason you didn't stay with her is because you would get too nauseated kissing her. So sorry if I misunderstood.

 

Well, there were enough negative threads written on here about her by me when there was a relationship and enough static from my family concerning her. Eventually, if I got some "confidence" of having a guaranteed woman that I'm not totally attracted to, then there is no telling what I may do when the novelty wears out of the relationship and I realize I'm stuck with a potentially schizophraniac woman, that's getting fatter while we were just dating, for the rest of my life. I wouldn't want child services taking my children because the mother is crazy and acting up in there. And, what would I do, get the "woman" intimacy I want from her, and have sex with other women for variety and fantasy now there is no intimacy need?

 

Or, maybe I'm just afraid of relationships, and this is just yet an elaborate smoke-screen to get rid of yet another person that got to close to me. Who knows?

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I've had time to reflect, and I have considered Lightbulbsun's statement about his father, and realize that under the circumstances, it's enviable that I have such a close relationship with my parents and in particuarly my dad, and in general, despite the issues represented here, overall, it's more or less a happy family with these issues being petty in contrast of some greater issues that are out there.

 

However, I still think it's unfair that dad is spending money, especially when he owes me, to feed this vice and I'm not having any fun. Now, I have to separate the concept that having a cheap-thrill to feed an addiction, that I don't have, is not really fun. I don't think going to a prostitute is going to be any satisfying experience, any more so then I'm already getting with my fleshlight and porn use, whenever it is being used - and if it is, the money that's spent on something with that will surely undermine any temporary high from such an experience.

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I just told my Pastor about this whole thing.

 

I parked my car in the church parking lot for drama practise. Some thieves threw a rock throught he front passanger window and stole my wallet, which had all my credit cards, debit cards, $ 10.00 cash and virtually all my ID and made out with it.

 

After cancelling all my cards, the only cash I had access to was that $ 1000.

I spent $ 185 of that money to fix the window, and another $ 10.00 to replace my driver's license, and another $ 50.00 in groceries.

 

The Pastor was nice with me and offered to pay for half the window cost of replacement. I was very impressed and had to inform him, that the money that I used to pay for repair the window came from an account that was dedicated to blackmailing my dad by losing my virginity with a prostitute (was not easy for that to come out).

 

He then explained what other people said on here that I would accomplish nothing other than defiling my own body, as it's really my dad and my mother who are the real effected parties and I should keep the most valuable item that I can offer a woman to my future spouce.

 

What the Pastor said will go on a Christian-cafe profile somewhere to put that concept to the test when I start online dating again near the end of this month / beginning of next month. Let's see what Christian woman out there would really share that value. Okay, fair enough, money is going back into my account -- I offered to split half with the church but he respectfully declined.

 

The whole object here is now defeated.

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