lostlost88 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Hi all, would really love some advice here from both female and male perspectives. I've been with my BF for nearly 2 years now and we've always been very open about our previous relationships (or so i thought). His 'ex gf' is in his close circle of friends and despite many tears and arguements, he refused to stop contact with her as it would mean giving up his only and closest circle of friends (which would leave him left with just me so it made sense that he couldn't) But i've gotten to know this girl and we get on great. So i try to be friends with her. Last month was my birthday and i spent the first night clubbing with 'his' friends. We were all on the car on the way to the club when the topic of romantic gestures came up and she complained that she hated Valentines day so i said 'did tony* not do anything special with you when you were together?' n she was like 'huh?? we never went out.' so i thort she heard wrong and i asked again, but this time my bf was telling me to shut up discreetly and said he would tell me later. The story was: She doesn't really like telling people that we dated. Why? She just doesn't ( i nearly believed him bcause her current bf she keeps quiet about) After another 10 minutes of questions, he finally came out with, well we were more like, friends with benefits...if you know what i mean. I cried and screamed and i just felt so disgusted. How he could lie to be for 2 years about something like this. Partly it was the fact that he actually HAD a buddy. and partly that i now felt incredibly stupid having 'befriended' this girl thinking she was an ex gf (as if it wasn't hard enough) for the sake of staying in this rship. But most of all, i felt so disappointed that he would lie to me for so long and also after the countless times we'd bought up the ex's conversations, he never once had the guts to confess up then. Yet even played along everytime i'd ask about her and why they broke up etc. My question really is wondering whether I should be at all worried about this. I've already lost all trust in him and find it hard to believe msot things he tells me, even when he tells me how much he loves me. He did apologise loads that night and swore on his knees that he would never do such a thing again for as long as we were together. He said that he could only prove it over time and that id have to trust him. I just find it so hard especially when i live 100 miles away and every weekend while i'm at work, they (as a group) go out or go rounnd each others and get wasted etc. He's always told me right from the start that he's not had any feelings for her since they 'broke up'. and so far i havnt found any messages or anything to be worried over. What could i possibly do now, how am i supposed to feel....I am so so confused I really can't get my head around this. Sorry for the lenthy post but i didnt want to miss out any information and make this biased. Link to comment
waveseer Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Secret past sexual relationships with current friends? I see the red flag waving brightly on the pole in plain view. The question is one of trust. If you don't trust him now, what would it take for you to trust him in the future? Link to comment
Cardinal Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 I am having a tough time understanding why he lied about this or why it would actually matter so much to either of you (except for what may be a white lie). The way I view it, a relationship, friendship with benefits and f buddies are three rather different things. But they are still intimate sexual relationships. I have had a great friendship with benefits and the friendship continues to date. It caused a massive argument in my current relationship b/c I would not consider getting rid of my closest friends on a whim. In your situation, it sounds like this guy wanted to think that he and his friend had something at some point, but it didn't work out (i.e. label it fwb for lack of a better description). It is not abnormal to have two people disagree about the type of relationship they are in. He may have had one goal and she another or maybe they were just purely f buddies and they both agreed to that. I just wonder if and how he really intentionally lied. And also why he lied (what difference would it make if they are now just friends, they had a sexual past regardless of what either of them called it). Do you think he was embarrassed about having a simple sexual relationship with this girl and maybe he thought you would react adversely at the thought that he could have simple sex or sex with friendship? Not making a lot of sense to me at the moment. mainly b/c he made no effort to lie about the actual sexual past with his friend (g/f implies intimate relationship anyway so what is the big deal?). Link to comment
Sn0man Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Umm, sorry, but IMHO you're making a big deal out of nothing. I once had a "friend" that I was sleeping with for a year and a half. It wasn't much more than that, though we did hang out and whatnot we never actually dated. I'm still friends with that girl, and once in a very long while someone will ask about it and i'll say we 'dated' for a year and a half. She'll laugh and say "no, we slept together for a year and a half", which is true. But as far as i'm concerned, it's "whatever". Just because the guy didn't have a 'formal relationship' with this woman, what real difference does it make to you? The fact is, they had a past, it's over, they're friends now, and he's told you about her. If you don't trust him solely for not divulging the gritty details of his past relationship with her, then it is you that has the issue. Let it go. It's not a big deal, and certainly nothing to be screaming and crying about. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Im failing to see what the issue is. Whether she was his f buddy or an exclusive gf, he had sexual relations with her and whether f buddy or exclusive gf.....he'd still have sexual relations with her now and if he wanted.... Im failing to see why you are so angry and why it makes a difference that she was just a f buddy as opposed to exclusive gf?? Link to comment
D_Lish Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 DITTO......Im failing to see, why the huge fuss and screaming and crying fit??? Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 I think saying that they 'dated' is a nicer sounding in public than 'we were F buddies.' I know i've certainly replied to some guys as an 'ex' when they were really 'some guy down the hall i was hooking up with.' it's better to say in polite society. like snoman said, maybe they have different intentions (ie, he thought they were dating, she thought they were hooking up). trust me, there are PLENTY of threads on ENA about couples who aren't on the same page about what they are to each other. that all said - either way, she was a girl he was having sex with, but now that's in the past (i hope!!!) if you are now friends with her and you think she is ok, what's really changed? Link to comment
lostlost88 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Share Posted October 1, 2009 so you would not think about going back to her in the future if ur current gf and u were having a rough patch or something? It's not so much about him not going into those details its more that he specifically lied to me telling me they were gf bf when really he could have told me they were buddies. Especially fr the numerous times i questioned him and the times we've discussed exes. Much like how i could have said, n'o i didn;t cheat on my ex bf,'but insted i told him the full truth which was that i kissed someone else whilst with my ex. The issue is whether he would now lie to me in the future to avoid arguements and breakups. because then the rship would have no meaning to carry on. how would i be able to trust him again? Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 maybe he really did consider her his gf (or close enough to it) and she didn't? that's possible. but again, i think personally, i might feel threatened either way that he might go back to her - whether she is an ex or a former fb. but you already accepted her as part of his life. why did they 'break up' or 'break off the arrangement?' i think that's important. Link to comment
Cardinal Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 As much as you may disagree, he may feel he has a right to keep certain parts of his past in the past. If he wanted to think of her as a g/f, let him think of her that way. Maybe neither of them would really like to blurt out anything about f buddies and would prefer to maintain a healthy enduring friendship. Sounds simple to me. There are degrees of lying and when someone tells that a lie that seems not to have any impact on anything at all, why would you even care? Link to comment
Sn0man Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Your argument is based on the assumption that he actually lied. It has already been stated that at times people view relationships differently than their partner. Where one would think 'we're sleeping together' the other thinks 'we're dating'. Not that it really matters anyhow. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 so you would not think about going back to her in the future if ur current gf and u were having a rough patch or something? It's not so much about him not going into those details its more that he specifically lied to me telling me they were gf bf when really he could have told me they were buddies. Especially fr the numerous times i questioned him and the times we've discussed exes. Much like how i could have said, n'o i didn;t cheat on my ex bf,'but insted i told him the full truth which was that i kissed someone else whilst with my ex. The issue is whether he would now lie to me in the future to avoid arguements and breakups. because then the rship would have no meaning to carry on. how would i be able to trust him again? Why are you questioning him over past relationships? I thought that questioning, was reserved for the police.... What he did in the past and his past relationships, has really nothing to do with you and nobody has any right to *question* anyone, about their past, past gfs/bfs.... It's HISTORY.....end of! It's a huge sign of insecurity on your part, that you will stoop to questioning and wanting to know every detail of his past. You know, there is nothing worse for a man, than having to feel he has to answer to a woman and for every little thing hes done or chooses to do.... Link to comment
lostlost88 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Share Posted October 1, 2009 thanks for all the mesages. So its clear that im obv not concerned abot the intimate rship btween them because they would have had it regardless of their status. He avoided the truth as you said correctly because he didn't want me to think of him as shallow and perhaps to spoil any chances he had with me at the beginning. (which explains his initial constant need to tell me that he thought of me as more than something casual) so i guess im starting to understand that his intention for lying is what most people would have done to save embarrassment. Ofcourse theway i saw it was different since i came clean with my infedelity regarless what he may have thought of me and that is probably what has made worry about him coming clean to me about such things in the future. I truly believe that he loves me so much, and he seems to be very faithful otherwise. I guess the odd lies he's lied about would be the equivalent to what us girls lie about our new purchases!! Thankyou so much for all the advice...I'm glad i've resolved this finally and i can go to bed! Link to comment
Sn0man Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Once again, don't assume it was a lie. It very well could be the truth for him. Link to comment
lostlost88 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Share Posted October 1, 2009 the past is history i agree, and ive kept questions basic to all his other exes, but when this girl is someone he now sees on a regular basis and has contact with when i'm not around with sexual history, ofcourse im going to question further as to whether they may get back together in the future. Anser to annie. he wanted something more but she didn't and apparently, work pressure got to her meaning she didn't have enough time to see him so they ended it. So because he wasnt the one to one to break it off, its caused my concern to knw what their current status actually is. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 the past is history i agree, and ive kept questions basic to all his other exes, but when this girl is someone he now sees on a regular basis and has contact with when i'm not around with sexual history, ofcourse im going to question further as to whether they may get back together in the future. Well you know. If she had been his exclusive gf, I'd have said that the chances were higher he'd get back with her and because 'exclusive' relationships tend to be more meaningful, than f buddy situations..... The fact it was a f buddy situation, tells me that it didnt mean anything, other than sex. This fear he will go back, is your insecurity. Guys and if they want to cheat, will cheat at the first given opportunity. So whether hes in the company of her, or another woman, if hes going to cheat he will. Waste of time worrying and because it is beyond your control and nothing you can do...bar lock him in a cage and let him out on occasion to be with you, which would ensure he'd never cheat I guess. You trust until given cause not to and the guy has done nothing IMO, to warrant your distrust......except lie about the status of a woman in his life and that was likely because he's embarrassed to refer it, as being a f buddy situation..... And if you keep questioning about her.....you will end up in driving him back to her. Link to comment
arcadefire Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 The possibility of him cheating on you is at an ultra red hot high. I would get out of this relationship asap. Why? He's still seeing this girl in potential very easy to have sex situations. You live 100 miles away, he goes out with her every weekend. If that doesn't scream something, I don't know what does. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.