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Boyfriend to Friendzoned?! please..


Q10

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I just started going out with this girl 15 days ago, she was all over me before our relationship started she was saying she couldn't wait to be with me etc.

And then we started going out, I saw her almost every day, bought her flowers on our first date when it was official etc. Then one friday I stayed at her place, got really drunk. We went in the bed and she asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I told her ok and tried to but fell asleep =) That evening and the next day she acted like something was wrong and then said that it's been too fast and that she didn't feel the same thing she felt at the beginning and that she feels we are more friends than anything else. She said she really wants to stay as friends.

 

We ended it there, I had no contact with her for 2 days and then she contacted me, asking if I'll ever talk to her again, I said of course how about supper this week, she accepted. She keeps messaging me saying gmorning , gnite etc on msn, I was busy so I didnt reply often. Today she told me she saw me going to my class etc.

 

We had a common friend, I made her ask howcome it ended like that, apparently she felt there was nothing more and wants to stay like that She said she likes me physically but once she got to know me better she felt more like a friend than anythign..

 

What do I do?! I'll meet her this saturday, I'm thinking of telling her how I feel (I want to try and make it work) but I got friendzoned...

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I would definitely pull back a little on the reigns, there could be a ton of reasons why she is feeling this way at the time, has she just gotten out of a relationship? had a bad relationship? or anything like that? It seems like everything happened too quickly and she may have gotten scared. I know its going to be very confusing for you over the next couple of days but just take it slow, I think you have to have a solid friendship if any relationship is going to work out, but definitely keep yourself open to others and when your with her keep it friendly and light you dont want to put too much pressure on her in the beginning or it could scare her away, or she could be telling you how she feels and that in fact you two could be better friends than together either way just make yourself ready for anything

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why did you bring her flowers? I think you're trying too hard and that's off putting to chicks on the first date. just have the courage to be yourself, you can try to be like what the girl wants in a partner but then she will like you thinking you're someone you are not. good luck Q10

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She did just get out of a relationship, but she did it to be with me. Her relationship wasn't going too good, it had only been 4 months they were together. She did have a bad relationship before, she actually told me about that the day before, she said that one of her relationships ended because she got raped by a someone and she felt like she cheated on her boyfriend so she broke up with him. She told me she's sorry that she hasn't told me that before, I told her it's not a problem and that it wouldn't affect our relationship.

 

I think everything did happen very quickly and that it was a mistake but how do I take it back & make it better? At the beginning I had told her I saw her as my sister!! then I became attracted to her, but now she changed and she's seeing me as a friend!

 

I was thinking of telling her how my feeling changed for her from the beginning and that the same can happen to her. I'll suggest we don't date anyone else for couple weeks, hang out together and see if anything improves?

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Pull back a bit, it sounds like you came on a little strong at first. Put the fear into her of you wandering off with some other interested girl. the best way to do that of course, is to actually meet another girl. The next best way is to be places where you might meet one.

 

don't be at home on a saturday night, thats all I'm saying.

 

Friends pffft on that.

 

I think I came on a little strong as well, but if she is thinking of us as friends, me wandering off with some other girl wouldn't scare her would it?

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why did you bring her flowers? I think you're trying too hard and that's off putting to chicks on the first date. just have the courage to be yourself, you can try to be like what the girl wants in a partner but then she will like you thinking you're someone you are not. good luck Q10

 

Well, she had told me the day before how she likes some flowers, so I thought first day is an opportunity to buy her the flowers she likes. It wasn't the first date, we were friends for couple weeks before, then dated for like 2 days and started going out. I bought her the flowers to celebrate us going out..

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"Girls want to be fancied by boys that don't fancy them"

 

I don't think flowers are the issue. I think seeing her every day put you in the position of friend. There was nothing to look forward to, no excitement in waiting to see you, no disappointment that you weren't around.

 

Give her some space. Tell her your real busy this weekend, but next Wednesday you are both going to.... (insert some cool date)

 

Don't ask her if she wants to go, don't give her an option to refuse politely, take control of the situation and give her something to look forward to. If she really isn't interested then she will say thank you but it's not a good idea. If she says ok then you have an opportunity to impress again and be fanciable rather than just friends. If nothing happens on the night, then walk away happy that you had a good time with her and don't make arrangements to see her again. If she starts to feel differently when you've not made contact, then she'll come back to you to make arrangements.

 

Good luck mate. I wish you the best.

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That is what I was thinking too, iamnot. I thought being too available, as you said killed the excitement. Now I need to find a way to repair it, as you said, I was thinking of taking her to snap some photos and not only supper for saturday, to hang out friendly. But I'm not sure if I agree with one thing - "if nothing happens on the night" - I don't think I should rush it like that, because she did tell our mutual friend that she wants to stay as friends. I mean I wouldn't be comfortable making a move knowing that. But I can see what happens and if nothing interesting happens, I will not make any arrangements to see her again until she wants..? Did I understand that right?

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What I mean is this...

 

If you do see her next Wednesday then it could go a number of ways...

 

1.) It's really awkward, you manage to some how get through the night and you know it's over

2.) You are just friends, there's no physical contact, but you have fun. You've had a good night out of it because you've enjoyed her company, but you can walk away having not made a scene, been good company and you can leave the ball firmly in her court.

3.) You have a great night and at the end you share a kiss and a hug and you walk away thinking maybe things can change, but again leaving the ball in her court.

4.) You have an amazing night including the best sex you've ever had.

 

If it's going to happen because you've had such an amazing night, then I, personally, wouldn't back away from sleeping with her, but I wouldn't think after that you're in some amazing relationship.

 

Sometimes sex just happens. And it may be how you handle it afterwards that determines whether a relationship forms after. Too needy or expecting a lot because she slept with you, and you may push her away. Too cold, and she may feel used.

 

I ended up going for a drink with my ex on a sunday, and we slept together on the night. I made it very clear the next day that I was under no false impression that we were back in a massive relationship, and lets maybe meet up again in a weeks time. She was SO happy to hear that. Now I'm not saying that every woman feels the same, but thats what happened in my experience, and not only did it make her feel better, but I felt better because I'd taken control of the situation and not fooled myself into thinking more was happening than it was.

 

If NOTHING happens, then just leave it. No one wants someone hounding them, even to just be friends. If you want her, let her decide. You've seen her, taken her out, and then it can be her decision as to what happens next. Just don't go out with any preconceptions. See what happens and how she reacts to you.

 

I would leave it a week though. Thats gives her time to herself, and shows that you don't need her at the weekend because you have other friends, other plans and a life of your own.

 

I don't know how many people would agree with me, but thats my opinion. You can take the bits that you want to take from it, and ignore the bits that you don't agree on. I'm no 70 year old love master who knows relationships inside out. I know what worked with my ex, and how I got her back (and I dumped her too) and thats all I know.

 

Good luck again anyway.

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I find one difference with your relationship and mine, iamnot. And that is, my gf broke up because she sees me as a friend and not sexually. So the sex thing might come later, not right now as if she wanted to have sex with me (if she saw me that way) we would be in a relationship. She said she is attracted to me physically but I made her feel like we were friends after she got to know me.

 

She just messaged me saying how I'm doing & I replied terrific, she asked howcome I told her my investments are going really good. She told me she can't meet saturday because her sister's coming to visit..I will tell her either 1) no problem or 2) no problem, lets reschedule another time..

 

Edit: I told her it's alright, no worries and she said we'll go another time for sure. Balls in her court, she can have it.

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She told me she can't meet saturday because her sister's coming to visit..I will tell her either 1) no problem or 2) no problem, lets reschedule another time..

 

Don't go with #2. I would simply write back "cool" and THAT'S IT. Like everyone else has said, back off. I do think the flowers were too much. Take your time with things. You should be evaluating her as well. Don't put her on a pedestal. She's not some golden idol you're trying to win. You're trying to see if the two of you are compatible and if she's someone you'd like to be with in the long-run. Best of luck!

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This is how I see it...

 

Frienships grow.

Love grows.

 

Sex is there from the start (and not just the act of sex, but being physically attracted to the person)

 

Everything in a relationship is built upon the fact that you find the other person physically attractive. Otherwise it is just a friendship. Sex is what sets it apart.

 

I wouldn't harbour a friendship with someone, hoping that one day they may fancy you. You'd put yourself through absolute hell. Give her some space, and if nothing happens next week, then give her more space and get on with things. That might actually be the thing that makes her think "ok, this guy spent 15 days straight with me and I though he was a friend, but he's obviously got a life without me, and I want him back!"

 

 

 

Please don't think I'm some sex fiend, I'm really not. I'm 26, and I've slept with 4 people, all of whom I was in relationships with. But I keep relationships very clear cut in my head. I'm either your friend, and never hope that anything will happen one day, or I fancy you, and can't be your friend because I will always want more.

 

I've just split up with my ex again, and there is nothing more that I want than to say to her "lets be friends, lets keep in touch, lets carry on caring for each other but without the sex and the jealousy", but it's not worth it, becuase it would kill me inside. I fancy her, and I want her, and therefore I will not put myself through the agony of knowing her and not being with her.

 

Ultimately you DO want to be sexually attractive to this girl. So don't be her friend. Be the sexy guy that she met. Buy a motorbike and get a tattoo....

 

Maybe thats too far, but decide what you want to be to her and be it. Don't hope for something in the future that may not come.

 

 

Again, you can COMPLETELY ignore me if you want. I do talk some absolute rubbish at the best of times. I just know that I've tried to be the friend before and it emptied me emotionally and took quite a lot to recover from.

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Here I come with good news! After she said she couldn't do supper saturday, I lived my own life this week, made lots of plans with friends and today(friday) she messaged me saying she was thinking about me & she asked me what I was doing saturday. I told her I had friends who are supposed to come over, and asked her what she was doing.

 

She told me she might go clubbing ... or she wanted to go eat with me somewhere later after supper and she added "I'm just saying that like that".

 

How is that moondog627 & iamnot? =)

I told her that she had told me she cant do supper saturday night and I made plans already. And I told her if she doesn't go clubbing, she can come over to my place! She said she will if she can find a drive, I told her that I have to go & we will talk later!!!

 

Status report anyone?! I think things are going better, I made it look like I watched a movie yesterday so if she saw that she mightve thought with who. And tonight I'm going out clubbing - giving out the message that I'm moving on..

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I'd say that went fairly well. She obviously wanted to get in touch with you...

 

How'd last night go?

 

Well, Friday night I went out clubbing, I didn't let her know what I was doing so made her wonder. The same night she sent me a message saying "I think I owe you some explanations.."

We took some photos with some friends, on couple of them I was carrying a girl in my arms, they put those on facebook saturday. Then, the same day she started talking to me, I told her we will hang out so she can do her explanations. She asked me if our mutual friend can come as well, I told her no and that I'd like to be alone. So I took her for a drive, I told her I'm not going to talk, I'll just listen to her explanation until it's done.

 

She said things between us went really fast, she just needs some time alone, she needs to be single for now and has to set her priorities in order (she just moved here, first time living alone and started university so there's pressure from parents on grades). She told me that thursday night her ex came to visit her, stayed there over night and she had to explain him it's over...again. She said nothing happened between them & added she needed to let me know so I know she's not hiding it. I told her it's alright and that she doesn't have to because we are not together anymore & we don't have to tell each other whenever we are with someone. I asked her "so what was it about when you said you liked me as a friend and nothing more?" she told me she was confused at that time. I was supportive, told her things did go extremely fast and that starting a new life like she's doing is stressful/not easy. She told me her sister & her bf are in town and they keep teasing her about me. Asking her if she's seen me etc. I asked her if she hadn't told them we broke up, she said yes but they keep teasing her saying "oh you'll get back together".

 

We drove around for a good 3-4 hours and then I dropped her off. As we were driving the girl from the day before called me and asked to hang out, she saw her photo on the cell when she called, I told her I'd call her back. As soon as I came back home she sent me a message saying "I really enjoyed that ... I miss spending time with you like crazy!" and " and I hope we can still do that! ... even watching a movie as friends?? We still have a lot to watch

 

I told her we'll try and see. The same night she came to my place with my friends, I was friendly, smiling as usual but didn't pay particular attention to her, she came next to me numerous times then we left for the club. In the club I hanged out with friends, made sure I wasn't following her around - I didn't go near her. After the club I was outside when she came, told me a guy wanted to dance with her and started touching her but she wouldn't let him. She was cold so I went to my car, gave her a jacket and when she was leaving she turned to me and said "can I get a hug" I hugged her, she kissed me on the cheek and that's how our night ended..

 

I think she is mixed up & confused because that's what her actions are showing. I'm thinking of continuing what I'm doing and slowly start up with watching movies.

 

What do you think iamnot? Anything you would have done differently?

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Sounds like a good night mate.

 

So, who's this other girl though? Don't go using other women as a way to make the first girl jealous. It's not fair on anyone. This other girl has to know that there's nothing in it for her if you truly want the first girl. Otherwise you're gonna land yourself in a right mess.

 

As for the first girl... well, she's spoken to her ex which is good. She probably doesn't want to jump into another relationship, so just take it easy and see how things go. Invite her out in a week or something. Don't go texting her all the time, just make arrangements and then let her look forward to them, and as and when she wants more then let it happen.

 

Don't play it too cool though mate. If there's a moment outside a club again, then I'd have kissed her.

 

You do realise though that I've been through a cr4p relationship and had my heart broken, don't listen to my own advice, and am probably the last person you should taking advice from...? As long as you realise that, then carry on with what I've said and good luck to you!

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I just met the other girl through a friend yesterday, I was telling my friend what was going on between the ex and me, and that girl was listening. We were introduced there so she knows about it and maybe thats why she came out like that either to cheer me up or to give some nice photos for the ex, I don't know.

 

As for the playing it too cool, I'm scared of that as well because I don't feel like I know how much is too cool and how much is not enough.. I try to keep our conversations with her to no longer than 10 minutes on msn..

 

 

 

Thanks kisskissNC!

 

Today she messaged me and asked me if I had fun, I told her yes and asked her if she enjoyed herself, she told me "2 of my ex's were there and they were both after me, but its two guys that really hurt me so I was like go away" and she asked me if I remember the guy who was dancing in front of her with the white shirt when I went to say bye, I told her I don't remember too much and then I changed subjects not letting her talk about her exs, because I wanted to give her the impression that I don't really care about the ex's..

 

I'm thinking of setting up a movie date with her sometime this week, I can only do it tomorrow night or friday night, tomorrow might be too soon so I think I'll make it friday night, we'll see..

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