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Girlfriend and I conflicting cultures


therealjag

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Hey there,

 

I have been with my gf for almost 6 months now. We started off great and the first 4 months I can safely say, were the best 4 months of my life. Everything between us was great. Shes smart sexy funny and she cares about me so much its not even funny.

 

recently, due to the fact she is of a different religion to me (she is Muslim and Im a Sikh), this has started to cause indifference between us and is causing conflicts - especially in my own mind. Also due to the fact I have moved back home in the past month, this has caused me to think about the culture issue even more.

 

Now we are at the stage where she wants to end it with me...she wants me to decide between my parents and her cause I know my parents wont accept her cos she is muslim. The thing is, is that I know I will probably never find a love like hers again and the thought of us not being together kills me - while at the same time I dont want to loose my family cos we are quite close well knit family.

 

What should I do? Should I fight for this girl and hope that one day they will come around or just leave the love of my life and just get an arranged marriage like they want me to. The conflict in my head is destroying me and she is on the verge of cutting me out of her life altogether which I cant bear.

 

Please give me any advice as I joined this forum just to get an idea on what to do here.

 

Thanks a lot,

 

Jag

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Yes, I think you should fight for her. I don't know what it's like to be in your situation and Im sure it sounds a lot easier to "fight for her" than it is, but one thing I strongly believe is that we are ALL individuals. You have your own mind and what you do should not be dictated by ANYone elses ideals.

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It is your call, no one can make it for you.

 

You have to choose what is more important, respecting your family and culture, or being with the love of your life. Imagine how your life will be like in both scenarios and choose the one the you would be happiest with.

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Hey Arsenal,

 

Yeah good point, and I've looked at it like that but either way I wont be happy - I know Im being selfish but I want both...my personal reasoning is that if I just go with her then eventually my parents would come round, but if they didnt I'd always hate myself for making that choice and vice-versa...I really hate the situation i'm in right now.

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Jag,

 

your religion is about acceptance and tolereance and unity of spirit. I've read much about it and nowhere does it say that religion should be a factor in terms of love and relationships.

 

I'm guessing your parents' views stem from culture, and not the religion itself. You are fortunate that SHE is readily wanting to be with you (considering, from my experience, that Muslim families are quite strict with their daughters).

 

I would fight for her. One thing I have learned in my life is that parents are not always right. And, you are not their child, you are a child of life itself.

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I have just come out of a relationship which ended because of cultural issues. It lasted two years and my boyfriend was, like you, very torn between his love for me and his love for his family and his culture.

 

We had a big argument about it about the four month mark too. We split up over it but he kept coming back. We got back together again after a few weeks only to split up eight months later for the same issue. Then a few months later he came back, only to split up with me a third and final time last month after another seven months together. In the end, his culture won out. I was the perfect girlfriend in many ways, but in the end, it just wasn't enough - a minor misunderstanding was all it took to break it. Because, in his heart, his family, his culture were what mattered more.

 

I can't advise you what to do. If you read my previous posts, you'll get a sense of what it is like to be the person on the other side of the fence. What I would say is this. Don't waste her time. Really sit down and think about this. Are you prepared to lose your family? They may come round in time (especially when children appear), but they may always give your wife a hard time because in their eyes, she will never be good enough. She needs to be aware of the implications of this too. Because once the rose tinted glasses of the first few years fades, unless you are both committed to working through the issue together, this is an extra strain that a marriage may not be able to bear. Its hard enough being married. So if you're committed to her and committed to making it work, whatever the cost, then stay with her. If not, let her go and don't be selfish about it. Really let her go and get on with her life.

 

There are many books on this subject which explains the problems and how couuples have experienced it and dealt with it. You might find it helpful to do a bit of reading to educate yourselves as to the implicaitons of what you are considering. Its a big decision and one I know you won't want to take lightly.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck

 

Susie

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Happy 1st Month to my GladysJane :)
Happy 1st Month to my GladysJane :)

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