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Not having a very hope-filled day...


Kerrian

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I've posted another topic somewhere, I believe.

My boyfriend and I are on a break, we're going to counselling - his reasoning is that he just doesn't feel as strongly as he used to, and he'd like to get that back but doesn't know if it's possible.

 

It's a very vague situation, but I understand it. It's also his first serious relationship and I feel like counselling is helping him talk some things out more comfortably.

 

No, I don't know if it'll work, neither does he. It's just an ongoing limbo state where neither of us knows what will happen. He was the one who broke things off, I'm the one whose feelings haven't changed...

We sleep in separate rooms now, he's moved some of his stuff out of mine. I understand the notion that time and space can heal things....but it's very difficult to stay hopeful.

 

Being hopeful that it'll help and we can reconcile is something that gets me through it. I can accept that it may not work. We might never be together again, he might never be able to rekindle those feelings. I can accept that, but obviously - I'd prefer the opposite.

 

And today I'm just feeling like I have no optimism left. I'm ill, feverish and have to go and run a society fair at 9am... I've always been optimistic, I always find a silver lining, or work to the best-case scenario...but this is really draining me. I found a beautiful love letter while I was helping move his stuff out - and I just had to wait until he left the room so I could just cry it all out. Some days I feel good, sometimes I feel that there's hope and that we're getting closer together again by giving one another space and sometimes - like today, I feel drained. Using every bit of your love for someone to give them what they need, especially when you're fighting against the grain of what you want, is hard work - and sometimes it feels like I'm the only one working.

I realise that letting it take it's course and seeing where it ends up with the guidance of counselling and giving one another space is good advice...but it takes a LOT of effort on my part to hold myself back from talking things over with him, or trying to spend time with him. We've gone from spending every single day and night together to sleeping in different rooms and having entirely different schedules - and it takes a lot of effort on my part to just leave him to himself as if I don't care how he's doing...

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Kerrian,

 

I am in an very similar situation. Remove the counseling and it is the same. I am having the same feelings you are. Not knowing what he/she is thinking is hard. I sometimes wish I was a mind reader.

 

Hang in there. You can do it. Be strong and let the situation take it's course. I am pulling for you. Just keep in mind tomorrow is another day. You can make it through today and see what tomorrow brings.

Donie

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This may not be helpful to you, but I'd go for my own counseling and let him go for his. Meanwhile, I'd give him the gift of missing me.

 

Trying to force emotions usually has the opposite affect. Think of it as trying to remember something that's on the tip of your tongue, but you just can't grasp what it is until you let it go. It often comes to you later.

 

Sometimes we can't grasp the value of someone's relationship to us until they're gone. I'd let BF figure out my value to him without me in the picture. I can't 'help' someone to muster for me what I deserve from a lover of his own accord.

 

In your corner.

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Thank you.

And I hope for you that things sort themselves out - because I know how horrible this waiting is, and I wouldn't wish it upon anybody else.

 

It's hard giving everything and getting seemingly nothing back, particularly when you don't have the same sort of confusion and feel certain about how you feel/what you want.

 

In terms of the counselling - we were planning to go to counselling separately, but after a few sessions together first. I'm happy to do that, and I know that time spent apart and giving him space and all those other very passive actions are what I have to do...and I'm doing them.

But it's difficult to stay positive when essentially you're waiting for another person to make up their mind whether they love you or not.

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[...] But it's difficult to stay positive when essentially you're waiting for another person to make up their mind whether they love you or not.

 

This is the thing that puts pressure in his cooker, and it can easily keep him paralyzed. I'd skip the waiting. That doesn't mean I'd throw myself into dating someone else--I'd honor my own grief and wouldn't feel up to that. But I certainly wouldn't put myself on house arrest and my life on hold for someone else. First, it doesn't 'work' and only makes the other feel suffocated by expectations, and second, it's not healthy for you.

 

You never get any of your time back. Spending it in limbo is not productive, it's stagnation.

 

I'd tell BF, "I love you, and while I wish you could love me back the way I deserve to be loved, you can't promise that, and I can't force you--I get that. So I'm going to leave you alone, get my own counseling, and if you ever decide in the future that you'd like to check and see if I'm still available, you can do that. If I'm still free, we can have coffee and catch up. Meanwhile, I wish you the best."

 

Then go grieve, heal and live your life. There are no 'do overs'.

 

In your corner.

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I know, I know - and I'm not just sitting around waiting for him. I'm doing other things, and seeing friends and enjoying things just for myself - but enjoying all those things and being creative, and catching up with people, having a relaxing, fun day...and living my life and letting him live his doesn't make it any less upsetting to wake up in the morning and realise that he isn't there, and that I can't tell him how I feel when I feel I need to.

My life hasn't stopped, and I can still spend my time doing productive things, but that doesn't stop me feeling upset sometimes, even if it's passing moments.

 

Today, I guess because of being ill, I've had a lot of time in bed not able to go out and do much - thus a lot of time to think and not a lot of ability to do many fun things.

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I understand. I'm at home today, too. I don't know if it's a back injury or a flu, but I'm all bent over. Hah!

 

Just don't want you to think I'm being dismissive of your pain by what I said. Grief is real. You don't need to handle it in a certain way--in fact, the illness that has you at home could be serving progress. I know that sounds odd, but sometimes symptoms are signs that we're moving stuff out.

 

Hope you feel better soon, and my best,

Cat

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Having another one of those days.

He went to London yesterday, presumably stayed too late for the last train back, and stayed overnight - I don't know when he'll be back, and it's not like he's obligated to tell me, so I'm not going to know until he just turns up again.

 

And for some reason, I feel really empty today.

I went upstairs last night to get something from the room he's sleeping in, and ended up falling asleep in his bed, hugging his dressing gown.

Which is pretty pathetic, I know.

And this morning, I'm just feeling very empty. I've heard so many times, and I know very well that I can be happy without him, and I don't need him, and all those other things - but it doesn't stop me feeling like a part is missing.

 

Mornings and nights really are the hardest parts of the day...

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I am in a very similar situation, including counselling. Counselling is a good thing and it's important both partners go I think, you can't rely on just one.

 

The difference is we had a messy break up and she immediately slept with someone else, after not being able to be penetrated by me for 2 years. We've had sex since and she says it's just size, but the whole thing has just destroyed my life.

 

We still love each other and the issue is I have to try and get over what happened to be together.

 

Hugging his dressing gown etc. isn't pathetic, there's nothing pathetic about love.

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I am in a very similar situation, including counselling. Counselling is a good thing and it's important both partners go I think, you can't rely on just one.

 

The difference is we had a messy break up and she immediately slept with someone else, after not being able to be penetrated by me for 2 years. We've had sex since and she says it's just size, but the whole thing has just destroyed my life.

 

We still love each other and the issue is I have to try and get over what happened to be together.

 

Hugging his dressing gown etc. isn't pathetic, there's nothing pathetic about love.

 

 

It's difficult trusting somebody else when they've already broken trust, but that's something that it's good to talk out - and counselling will hopefully help you, like it does us, to open up to one another in an environment where one person can't run away or close up. It really does make you sit down and open up to one another, I've found.

 

I've read your original post, I believe - and although it'll be hard, I think you can work things out, as long as you let yourselves really listen to one another's sides of things.

As much as it hurts, if you love her and want to be with her, you're going to have to forgive her. I'm not saying immediately, because she needs to understand how it's affected you and you have a perfect right to be angry and upset, but you won't be able to reconcile if you're still going to be bitter about it whenever you're with her.

Until you know that, no matter what, you won't bring it up - even if it's in a heated argument - you're not over it yet.

 

I think that for me, at the moment, there's nothing definite - and that's the problem. If I knew there was a problem, or a set of problems that needed sorting out before we could reconcile, that would at least give me something to work toward, but it's not like that.

 

And no, love isn't pathetic.

But unreciprocated love hurts.

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Yes I understand exactly what you mean, I suppose the best thing to do would be to try and force whatever issues there were to the forefront, whatever they may be. It may just require more or better communication, but often people think that the "sparks gone out" etc. when really there's a few specific issues, they just don't know themselves well enough to say what they are.

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Agh.

 

To top it off, a mutual friend decided to interfere in the worst possible way, by coming round and shouting at him to say that he's upsetting me so much and that he's selfish and inconsiderate, etc, etc.

 

Whiiiich wasn't really wonderful in terms of not causing any rifts between us.

I'd been talking to this friend for support, because he's a good friend of both of ours, so knows us both well enough to judge and my boyfriend does know that I've been talking to him - so what he percieved was that it was my words coming from somebody else, when in reality it was somebody else forming their opinion around seeing me hurt.

 

So, yes - things were going at least passably between us - even if I was upset now and then - we were on the path to reconciling, and this has set us back again...because it's yet another problem added to the list.

He acted in his stressed, "Someone is giving me negative feelings" and instead of facing them just locked himself in his room and refused to talk to anybody.

And I feel like any progress I managed to make toward giving him understanding and space has just been taken away by a friend who had just come from the pub and felt like an angry tirade, which despite my explanations, he probably still suspects came from me.

And changed his relationship status to single, presumably when he was in the angry stage of the day...which is...nice.

 

-sigh-

One step forward, two steps back, eh?

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And despite me thinking we'd talked it back to an okay level - he's back to locking himself in his room again.

This is very tiring, and for all the 'stress' he has to deal with, he seems to think I'm immune.

My father has lost his job, and may not be able to afford putting me through university, one of my elderly relatives is ill, I'm starting my own course in a few days, I have to start planning my year abroad and if I don't ask my parents for money (which I don't really want to do considering the situation), I won't be able to afford the next few months rent...

...I need someone to be there for me and it's taking it's toll both emotionally and physically to have to deal with somebody who can give me "I'll try" at best.

 

At this rate, he's going to make ME "fall out of love" with HIM.

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Are you saying that you live with the guy? Maybe living with someone who's pushing you away isn't such a great idea? You can't give him an opportunity to miss you and yourself an opportunity to get balanced on your own two feet if you're continuing to live together. Will either of you be moving out soon?

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