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Wife not in love and wants divorce :(


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We've been together for over 9 years and married almost 4 years. She was the most incredible woman. The way she felt about me was what any man or woman would want their significant other to feel about them. So loving, caring, smart, fun, and we had so many things in common.


I was the fool though. I've had a wall up around me for so long that didn't allow my emotions to be shown except those of jealousy and anger. I didn't show her enough how I felt about her. I didn't even kiss her. It's not that I didn't love her or wasn't attracted, I really have no excuse and regret all I didn't do.


My anger wasn't in the form of physical as I'd never ever hit her or a woman. I have a temper that any little thing would upset me.


Trust and Jealousy are the two biggest reasons she wants out. She's begged me for years to change, to get help. I had no reason to not trust her as she had given herself to me and would never cheat on me, but my stupid thoughts kept me jealous of the smallest things as I was afraid of getting hurt it stopped me from living and having the kind of love with her that she was giving to me.


I have had a wall up around me for so long I didn't have a relationship with her family who was so open to me becoming part of the family and even my own family I neglect. I'm not proud of all the stupid actions I've taken and I hate that I took thoses paths.


I'm so torn and shattered right now. Trying to be strong but it is so hard. I've been reading a lot of blogs and articles and posts from men and women going through the same thing I am.


My wife asks me why it takes this for me to change. I don't have an answer for that, I just know I love her so very much as she means the world to me. I never believed I wouldn't have her even when I was a damn fool. I truly believe divorce isn't the answer, but she has said it is her decision and a wall has been put up. I was reading a part from a book about divorce is not an easy answer for people who feel they just want out.


Me saying I'm going to change means nothing. Though I'm crushed I'm trying to absolutely go for change. I've never been religious much, but I went to church this morning looking for guidance and help. I was welcomed by one of the pastors who is a young married man. He didn't even know me but offered to prey for my wife with me and even for me to call him if I need someone to talk to.


I'm going to start going to a psychologist on monday to disect all my insecurities and problems.


I even went out for a run the other night after work which I haven't done in years!


I have a problem with my foot I've needed surgury on for a few years, and I was so terrified of doing it I kept ignoring it. I'm finally making an appointment to get taken care of.


I know she's upset and hurt and angry, because of how I treated her and was with her and our family, but how can I be asked to not believe that when we married that we had every reason to stay together forever as soulmate and if I was to become the best I can be that she can't love the man she fell in love with and gave so much to.


By what I'm told by the people at church, friends, family, even strangers who have been willing to talk, how am I to believe that my wife who has so much in common and loved me so much couldn't feel the same way after seeing I've become better with time.


She gave everything, and feels I never gave back. We definitely had good times but with her hurting and anger it's hard for her to see those things. I've got issues, I know, but I'm willing to do anything in the world to make her see what I can be and what I will be and that she can have it all with the man she fell in love with.


I make stupid mistakes, and sorting out my trust issues and dealing with the anger are so important and just making sure I'm happy with me. I'm going to prey with the new people I've met at church to be strong and prey for my wife. Even though I feel a wreck, I know I'm not far from happy. It may have taken this situation for me to get here but now I'm as confident as ever that I'm willing to finally take action and do anything in the world to make her feel the way she's made me feel in our marriage.


If somehow she see's that divorce may not be the real answer no matter how hurt or let down she is, then I'll be the happiest man alive and will spend the rest of my life making it up to her, because I miss the smile she has in all our pictures. Her confidence has been shaken, but she is the most beautiful person to me and I wish I could let her know.


That's my story, any advice or insight is appreciated.



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Your story hits very close to home for me and I'm sorry for your loss. If my ex could have done an about face and treated me right I would have been amenable to staying together. He either couldn't or didn't want to so my choice was easy. What I suggest you do is work on your relationship skills whether she ever comes around or not.

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I am in the same boat and didn't show love or enough affection and she over time resented it. It allowed a new guy to come in and shower with it. She won't believe that you will change if you did this for years. The best thing to do is acknowledge it like you are doing and tell her that you loved her but wasn't good at showing it. Go in to Borders and read what women want men to know, summarize at and tell her you get it and wish you learned the wisdom years earlier. ( it's not like they teach these things in school) Don't beg or show weakness but yes show changes like jogging and do nice and considerate things for her but not overwhelming/all at once. Take her somewhere fun, and at the right times ask her if you can give her a quick kiss. Be very fun and goofy. Don't do it as a way to get back together or sex. Do it during the daytime where she knows that won't be your intention. Good luck

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If she wants out of the marriage and you mistreated her for like 9 years.....I would honestly say to give her some space. You owe her a lot more than an apology and two trips to a counselor. You owe her time to get past what you put her through. If you love her, give her what she's asking for, which is for you to get help to deal with emotional issues she's not trained to deal with. She might come back after she's seen you've made some progress, or she might not.


It sounds like she's taking steps to heal the damage from what also sounds like an abusive relationship. (Abuse is not always physical. It is also verbal and emotional and both have devastating effects.) Were you manipulative and controlling too? When she asks you why you waited until she was ready to divorce to change, believe me that's a loaded question. She's basically asking you "Why did you do this to me for 9 years?"


I'm sure I sound like an @$$hole right now and sorry about that. Right now you're raw and hurting but I don't think you realize how much accusations hurt. If you were in a relationship where your fidelity was always under fire, would YOU still be in love? Doubtful.


My advice to you is this. Get help. Good luck on your foot surgery. Tell her how you feel but don't hold your well being hostage. None of that 'IT WON'T WORK IF WE'RE NOT TOGETHER' crap. Take responsibility. You hurt a person because you have certain problems and if that person can't take it any more, it's not their fault. Stop assigning blame and move forward. Fix those problems regardless of what happens to your marriage. Give her space, even though it kills you. If she can put up with you for 9 years, you can do this. Take a deep breath and move on.


Good luck.

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  • 1 month later...
My advice to you is this. Get help. Tell her how you feel but don't hold your well being hostage. None of that 'IT WON'T WORK IF WE'RE NOT TOGETHER' crap. Take responsibility. You hurt a person because you have certain problems and if that person can't take it any more, it's not their fault. Stop assigning blame and move forward. Fix those problems regardless of what happens to your marriage. Give her space, even though it kills you. If she can put up with you for 9 years, you can do this. Take a deep breath and move on.


Good luck.


I think this is some of the best advice I have ever read. Thank you for telling it like it is - without a sugar-coating. I wish someone could have told me this years ago.

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Well this is often tha case for many men. To little to late. She may be done with you and you will have to accept that if that is what she wants.

Having said that: This is the perfect motivation for you to become a better person and one day a better partner ina relationship. It may be with your wife or someone new but you do need to improve as you said. There are many books to help you understand just what you have done to her for all these years but it is mostly important that you understand why you did and do what you do. Treating the symptoms will only help short term. Treating the cause will be a life long change.


Here is a book that helped me understand some of the dynamic of a relationship. link removed

Get is and read it. It is called "Love and Respect".


These things you want to improve need to be done for yourself and not to trick her into coming back andloving you again. If you are geniune and she is willing someday there may be a chance. When she asks you questions make sure you are brutally honest with her. If you don't know the answer tell her you don't know but you are trying to find the answer. Don't beg, don't play games, don't try and get pity, don't be pushy. This is her choice. If she comes back it must be on her terms if it is to be real.



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Lost always has great advice to give. If you want hope for your relationship you are on the right track. Sometimes all the negative experiences in your marriage gets layered like a oil spill on your or your spouse’s heart and just saying you will change things is not always enough to clean up the huge oil spill. So sometimes you have to do things that might be drastic. Sometime a separation is needed to get your own lives back on track, professional help to get your and her baggage straightened out and also to start concentrating to making yourself better like going to the gym, doing activities, eating and dressing well. All those things can snap you out of the old that has not worked into someone that your SO will find attractive. The biggest problem about trust after a long episode of insecurity is the uncertainty that the SO will actually change. If you show that you are a different person then there is always a chance. Wish you best my brother.

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So in a nutshell:

1. You treat wife poorly

2. Wife asks you to change for years, you ignore it

3. She decides change won't happen, decides to leave

4. You realize she's serious, suddenly you feel the need to change


Does that about sum it up?


Man, you're in a pickle. Women don't use divorce as the first resort, it's the last one. She'll first try to work things out, save a relationship that's important to her. But once she throws in the towel, it's a decision she's been coming to for years. A simple "I love you, I'm sorry, I'll change" doesn't carry much weight when set against a decade-long pattern of bad behavior.


Saying that you'll do anything in the world to keep her will beg the question, "You've had a thousand chances, why didn't you do anything sooner?" And "I was stupid" is not a valid answer here, unless you want her to nod her head and continue filing the papers. I honestly don't know what to tell you here. Perhaps tell her the truth? Admit you were egotistical, that you put yourself first for all those years because you took her for granted and that her opinion didn't really matter next to yours - heck, if it did, one of her earlier interventions should've worked, right?


Then come up with a concrete plan for changing. Some suggestions:

1. Have her help you identify the outward signs of bad behavior; be specific

- Anger? how? shouting, dirty looks, silent treatment, etc.

- What brought it on in the past?

- Jealousy? how? interrogations when she's out with friends, snooping through emails, phone, etc?

2. Once you identified those, make an agreement. Something solid & concrete. Say, if you display a single one of the behaviors listed in 1 over the course of a year, even once, you sign divorce papers on the spot. Hang them on a wall or something so they're always within reach, reminding you both that you're no longer ignoring her.

3. Important: she decides when you've transgressed, you don't get to argue it.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You


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