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Why can't they just leave us alone?!


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I managed to be friends with an ex before my current ex because I still care for him. Then later on he began to flirt and wanted to be physically intimate with me. I told him that it's impossible unless he sincerely wants to be back with me. He was silent. He's on my FB and more and more I began to dislike him due to our extremely different political views. I was upset to see his status update where it's full of views of insulting and extremely conservative Republicans. I decided to delete him, along with cutting all the contact with the current ex. Truly I made my decision to cut my past off my present and the future. It hurts to see or keep in touch with them.

 

I started seeing somebody last week and I must say that this ex has a sharp sixth sense (he did the same thing when I started seeing my current ex last year) and he contacted me again. He asked me if I deleted my FB account because he couldn't find me. I didn't want to tell him I deleted him instead. Carried out a short conversation and he wished me luck of seeing this new guy.

 

I felt like crap last night and this morning because his contact not only reminds me of his rejection but also my current ex's. They're in the same city while I moved away.

 

Why can't he sense that I don't want to be friends with him anymore, and why can't he just leave me alone!! Now I know that no contact is such a lifesaver. I tried so hard to move on and I don't want any reminders of the past pain. He didn't say a word when I told him I'm learning from all my mistakes and want to make the new relationship work.

 

Just a vent I guess. But I just couldn't understand why some dumpers are so selfish. Now I begin to appreciate that my current ex uses the silent treatment, for the sake of my own healing.

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You mention that you like to maintain a friendship with an ex when you still care for them. Mabye this ex still cares for you and is periodically popping up to see what you're up to. Meaning, I don't think he's trying to bother you or hound you...just probably cares for you and since you didn't tell him straight up that you deleted him or why, he's not really getting a clear signal from you.

I'm not sure why contact from him would remind you of rejection rather than the care he still has for you.....? Sounds like an issue of mindset (glass half-empty vs. half-full)

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He wasn't and isn't leaving you alone because you haven't sent the message that you want to be alone.

 

Its ok if "he" wants to be friends with you- but if it makes you uncomfortable then there is no point.

 

friendship are suppose to bring joy into our life.. not pain.

 

cut both of them out if thats what you need to do for yourself- you don't owe anyone an explanation.

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I know that he might still care for me but I just don't want to open up the old wounds. He was the first man that I fell for hard while he led me on for several months. I told him I still have strong feelings for him but I had to move on because his feelings aren't reciprocal. So keeping touch will only hurt me in the long run. Life is funny. I felt like being forced to move on twice so far even though I had strong feelings. I moved on from him and fell in love with my ex. Now I have to move on from my current ex even though I was in love with him. When you love somebody so much while being denied the only choice is to heal and move on I guess. It's not a willingful choice but life isn't about getting all you want.

 

In the meanwhile I tried to be friends but he wanted to get intimate, he made all these annoying and insulting statements about poor people, minorities, health care reform, and climate change, which is totally against my views. He's rich so I assume I'm too stubborn to cater to his snobish point of view. So better not to keep in touch?!

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He wasn't and isn't leaving you alone because you haven't sent the message that you want to be alone.

 

Its ok if "he" wants to be friends with you- but if it makes you uncomfortable then there is no point.

 

friendship are suppose to bring joy into our life.. not pain.

 

cut both of them out if thats what you need to do for yourself- you don't owe anyone an explanation.

 

Thanks. I used to keep friendships even if some of them were manipulative and abusive. After experiencing many things I started realizing that friendship should bring joy, not pain or discomfort, like what you said. So I cut off friendship with quite a few people, including the exes and their folks. At least at this time of my life I'm not ready to handle it.

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You mention that you like to maintain a friendship with an ex when you still care for them. Mabye this ex still cares for you and is periodically popping up to see what you're up to. Meaning, I don't think he's trying to bother you or hound you...just probably cares for you and since you didn't tell him straight up that you deleted him or why, he's not really getting a clear signal from you.

I'm not sure why contact from him would remind you of rejection rather than the care he still has for you.....? Sounds like an issue of mindset (glass half-empty vs. half-full)

 

I'm a best friend of one ex and we're very comfortable with it. As long as there is mutual respection and care, and neither parties have romantic feelings for the other I don't mind being friends with them.

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It sounds like he isn't even someone you want to be friends with ...and i think you have wanted to keep him (them) around with the secret hope that they would miss you and want you back.. and now you are realizing that either that isn't going to happen .. or you are realizing they aren't someone you want back.

 

I say for your own healing ..cut them off.

 

but thats me.

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Friendship is not made this way.... You should head for the nearest exit.... NC... and clearly tell his what you want and what you don't.

 

Thanks. I'd rather keep the line open instead of telling him I don't want to be in touch completely. He might just care for me so I don't want to hurt his feelings for now. I was a little bit too reactive last night.

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Thanks. I'd rather keep the line open instead of telling him I don't want to be in touch completely. He might just care for me so I don't want to hurt his feelings for now. I was a little bit too reactive last night.

 

you have two exes.. one you described as dragging you along for months when you were dating and another mentioned didn't share the same views as you .. and his views bothered you ..

 

which is which?

 

i'm not exactly sure why you want to keep the lines of communication open? is it because you don't want to lose "friends"?

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you have two exes.. one you described as dragging you along for months when you were dating and another mentioned didn't share the same views as you .. and his views bothered you ..

 

which is which?

 

i'm not exactly sure why you want to keep the lines of communication open? is it because you don't want to lose "friends"?

 

I think that I didn't make my point clear. This is the same ex that contacted me last night. So two exes: one is dragging me alone and has opposite views; another one completely disappeared from my life after he broke up with me five months ago.

 

This first ex wasn't too bad as a person but he just has tons of issues being emotionally intimate. He's caring but in a wrong way I guess. I feel difficult to tell him my real intentions. I still like him as a person despite his harsh political views. By the way, he doesn't contact me often, so I guess it's OK to keep the status quo. I just feel a little annoyed that he always contacted me when he sensed I'm seeing somebody or when I broke up with somebody. I don't know what his intentions are.

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you have two exes.. one you described as dragging you along for months when you were dating and another mentioned didn't share the same views as you .. and his views bothered you ..

 

which is which?

 

i'm not exactly sure why you want to keep the lines of communication open? is it because you don't want to lose "friends"?

 

I think our generations have been raised by too many divorced people, so we've picked up somehow that the only 'mature' way to behave is to be friends with exes.

 

I'm glad when I see people not buying into that. It's perfectly valid to ditch people completely when you're not obligated to raise children with them.

 

OP, I think you're using great discretion in selecting who stays and who goes, and there's certainly no reason to slam a door after you've already closed it. People tend to learn that you don't want contact with them once you stop responding to contact. You're not obligated to burn bridges, and I agree with you that it's not necessary.

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Your posts are rather confusing. You want to be left alone yet you don't want to be left alone. You don't want to tell this guy to leave you alone..and yet his political views irritate you. Not only that but:

Then later on he began to flirt and wanted to be physically intimate with me. I told him that it's impossible unless he sincerely wants to be back with me.

 

In other words...he only wanted sex from you. If he really wanted a relationship he would have declared himself after he knew you were free from your most recent ex. Instead he bides his time and makes no such declaration except to suggest an FWB setup. You are clearly not over this guy and I have to wonder if you are dating simply to try to forget about him. Also, the last ex may not have anything further to do with you, not so much for your sake but for his sake. Some people simply do not like to keep in touch with exs because it is less complicated that way. What you really need to do is figure out what exactly you want from this ex who won't leave you alone.

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My posts are confusing because I'm confused. I thought that he won't contact me again because I posted some nasty responses to his political views. I admit that I date in order to expedize my process of healing and moving on. Life is too short to be wasted on people who are not worthy, such as both of my two exes. I don't know if my wound will ever heal, from how these two men have treated me and the breakup, especially from the current ex. I understand he doesn't want to talk to an ex, me, but it hurts so much to know that a person once you thought you would spend your whole life with just simply not care any more in a few days.

 

This first ex still talks to me so he cares somewhat; but my current ex apparently doesn't give a damn about my feelings. That's why I think that he is worth a little more than my current ex to keep in touch.

 

He asked about FWB thing because I allowed him to do so at the beginning. I woke up from that soon (before I make any mistakes) and told him I couldn't afford to play fire again. He listened and he never mentioned about sex since then. At this point of my life I made the decion to leave him and my current ex behind. I didn't expect him to contact me but I also don't want to tell him not to do so. I know him for more than two years so he does have some good which is worth my respect.

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