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I'm in a bit of a bind.....


lifeisunfair

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There's someone that I like. She's pretty, smart, and very kind. So kind that I can't even tell what she's truly thinking.

She's a year older than I am and is friends with another person that I liked a while ago. The person that I used to like was not really interested and we didn't really get along after I told her how I felt. Now it's only been about half a year or so and I'm already starting to be attracted to the girl's friend. Is that even healthy, or am I still in rebound mode (I don't think I am, though, since I didn't even go out with the first person).

I'm not sure if she likes me. She chats with me and smiles, but doesn't really display any other behavior unless you count glances. I'm interested in her, but I'm not sure of her feelings. I'm fine with waiting, but is that going to be okay with her or annoy her?

Now, the girl I used to like (#2 for quickness' sake), seems to be more willing to talk with me. I don't know why. However, I did see #3 (a random friend of the two) looking at where I was gazing off into the distance (which happened to be at #2 [didn't realize it for a while as I was a bit lost in thought]), and then looking back at me. Am I paranoid for thinking of that they may be scheming?

Finally, there's an acquaintance I have that also likes the same person (#1). He's liked her for longer than I have and has told her about his feelings. Other than that, he's done nothing else. Hasn't asked her out or anything (or so he says). Before, I'd tried to matchmake the two, but she said that she only liked him as a friend. I don't think that I'm a dirtbag for even thinking of going out with her, but that's open to debate.

So, to summarize, I like a girl who's friends with a girl that I used to like, and who another guy likes, and I don't even know if she likes me back.

Sorry that this is so long.

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Yeah, it's complicated but at the heart of it is -- you like a girl, you would like to ask her out. I say, go for it! I think people spend way too much time wondering if someone likes them. Sometimes it's obvious, sometimes it's not. You won't get the same signals from two different people. Instead of trying to decipher her, or worrying about what the girls may or may not be scheming, just be straight up with her. Be your charming, sincere self, and just see what happens.

 

If you want to be "casual" about it, see if the chance comes up where either you're going to an event already and ask her to come along, or see if she expresses interest in an event or activity, and then ask her if she'd like to do that with you. Good luck!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you for helping, and I'm really sorry to resurrect this thread, but I was wondering if you could also help with another little problem.

 

I can't tell whether or not I would actually be a good match with this girl. I'm afraid if we start getting involved, I'll just mess up her life and make her unhappy. She may very well be better off with the other guy. Maybe I'm just deliberating because I'm scared, but I keep wondering .....

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Hm, well, it does sound to me like you are scared and thinking about all the possible negative consequences. Have you considered the positive consequences, such as that she might actually enjoy your company and be glad you are in her life? You say that you might mess up her life -- I'm not sure what you mean by that exactly -- but are you willing to treat her well and with respect, are you willing to give of yourself? If so, I don't think you should worry about making her unhappy.

 

Plus, a relationship is a two-way street. If she really feels like you are bringing her down for some reason, she has the responsibility to talk with you about it. Also, she can make up her own mind about whether the relationship is going well or not. And if it isn't quite right, she will tell you. You don't have to have it all figured out ahead of time.

 

I know what you mean about wondering whether someone would be better off with someone else, because I've thought the same way sometimes. But you know -- there's no telling who would get along with who. Seriously, two of my friends got married and it was like no one would EVER have put the two of them together. But they fell in love and it works for them. And they wouldn't have known how good they were together unless they gave each other a chance and tried it out.

 

My advice is to downscale your expectations of all of this. I know you feel a lot for this girl, but dating at its most basic is simply getting to know someone. It doesn't have to be life or death. It's just "trying someone on" to quote a line from "Sleepless in Seattle." That's what people do. They try each other on, and if it fits, great. If not, then hopefully they can both be gracious and move on.

 

Don't keep wondering. Plan to ask her out.

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