Loves me, but not ready for a relationship...?

[Aliciaaa]

I have been seeing somebody exclusively since March. Recently we had a couple of silly fights, which lead us to the whole "where is this relationship going" kind of discussion. He basically told me as he has told me several times that he loves me and has grown attached to me, etc., but he feels like we are starting to fight over silly things because he isn't ready to be in a serious boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I don't understand this because to me it seems almost contradictory. I can't imagine not wanting to be with somebody I truly loved and was attached to. The basic conclusion was to continue seeing each other and slowly develop a strong relationship/friendship.

 

I feel like he carries a lot of baggage from his previous relationship. He has been divorced once, and his divorce finalized at the beginning of this year although he has been separated from his ex-wife for over a year. Maybe it is too soon?

 

I guess my dilemma revolves around this... I have no problem with continuing to see him excluslively and slowing developing a relationship. I felt happy just going out with him like we were doing, and I am willing to be patient because I care a lot for him and feel like he is worth it. But I'm afraid that 6 months down the line, or longer, that we will be in the same position. He still won't be ready, and I'll be following him around like a puppy dog. Is this a lost cause?

[lavenderdove]

Lots of times people who are going thru a divorce are burned out emotionally afterwards from all the drama and bad feelings and fighting that led up to the divorce and may have continued during the divorce process.

 

So they may be very leery of jumping back into another relationship, especially if you two are bickering. The memory of the divorce is fresh in his mind, and he rightly doesn't want to get serious and make another mistake at this juncture.

 

So it may be a question of timing as much as anything. He just got out of a bad situation and a marriage, and is not anxious to jump into another one. So if you really want marriage and commitment soon (i.e., in the next few years), he just may not be your man. Or he may not even be sure if he ever wants to marry again, which is a common feeling after a divorce, though that may change after a few years.

 

So if you look at it from his perspective, he doesn't want to be rushed after such a bad experience as a bad marriage and divorce. If you can't let it ride for a little while, or even a couple years, you may be expecting too much. You also have to be careful that you aren't just a transition person, and once he feels better, he looks for someone new.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I find it interesting that he can say that he loves you..and yet not want to make the relationship official. Lots of people use the words "I love you" very loosely..it just rolls of the tongue but doesn't have any deep meaning. I would look at his actions...the actions don't back up his words. You have been together for 6 months..that is plenty of time to decide whether or not to be in an exclusive relationship. Perhaps his divorce is indeed too fresh. In many cases the first person someone dates post divorce is just the practice person..the person they use to get back into the swing of dating. It is up to you to figure how long you will ride this out..but I think 6 months and he doesn't want to make it official, is very telling.