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New here and requesting opinions from all but especially from men, please :)


insightful

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Hello.

 

Been reading these threads for about 2 months now. Great stuff!

 

My bf of 2.5 years broke up with me back in late June thinking that I cheated on him. We were in a very serious relationship in which we were beginning to discuss moving in together when the break up happened - the moving in was something he wanted to do, whereas I wanted to get married but was contemplating moving in. In his defense, he had a good reason to believe that I cheated, but the fact is that I didn't. I did the things you're not supposed to do - emailing, calling , texting. He wouldn't answer me except for a few texts asking me to stop writing to him because he never wants to see me opr hear from me ever again. Finally in August, he wrote back to my emails but they weren't positive exchanges as we were having a back and forth exchange with the "you did this" and "you're wrong" blaming type of talk. After a week or so of that, we came to a good place and I asked if we could be friends. We were then able to move the talk to an actual phone conversation in which he told me how much he still loves and misses me but that he still can't be with me because he doesn't believe that I didn't cheat. So I asked to be friends and he said he can't. I asked him to think about it and think about meeting with me and he said he had already thought a lot about it over the past few days but he can't. I asked him to reconsider and he asked me for time. He asked for 30 days (hey whats with the 30 day thing) and then I can ask him again. I've got a few days left before 30 days gets here. We've had no contact since that call. It's been hard for me but my career keeps me busy as i'm sure his does. The nights and mornings are the hardest.

 

What do you guys (and gals) make of any or all of this? Is he done and trying to move on? Is he still "thinking" about a possible reconciliation? Thanks.

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The best thing is to give it time like you have been. At least you have been having some communication, even though it may not be as good as you would like it to be. I wish I had that much going for me. You can't force the issue, you have to take baby steps for now. I know it is hard when you love someone and what to be with them with every fiber of your being. What happened may I ask that gave him the impression that you may have cheated on him?

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If I were you, and you definitely did NOT cheat, I would type out an email explaining every detail of what really happened and saying that maybe you can see where he might think you cheated, etc. Tell the truth and tell him that it IS the truth, and you would like a chance to talk to him. If he still can't believe you didn't cheat after all that (explanatory email and attempt to sit down and talk), then I don't think you have a choice but to walk. It won't work to be with someone that thinks you're lying and won't trust you. The only way it would work is if he's willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and trust you are telling the truth and talk it out.

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The best thing is to give it time like you have been. At least you have been having some communication, even though it may not be as good as you would like it to be. I wish I had that much going for me. You can't force the issue, you have to take baby steps for now. I know it is hard when you love someone and what to be with them with every fiber of your being. What happened may I ask that gave him the impression that you may have cheated on him?

 

If I'm allowed to PM, I'd rather do that as opposed to posting it here for privacy reasons.

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If I were you, and you definitely did NOT cheat, I would type out an email explaining every detail of what really happened and saying that maybe you can see where he might think you cheated, etc. Tell the truth and tell him that it IS the truth, and you would like a chance to talk to him. If he still can't believe you didn't cheat after all that (explanatory email and attempt to sit down and talk), then I don't think you have a choice but to walk. It won't work to be with someone that thinks you're lying and won't trust you. The only way it would work is if he's willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and trust you are telling the truth and talk it out.

 

I did do that. That was how we got on better terms towards the end of the blaming each other emails. He stopped saying he knew without a doubt that I cheated. When we finally talked he said he "feels" i cheated as opposed to "knowing". I was thinking that was progress? Or maybe it's just wishful thinking? I also promised I'd contact him at the end of the time period that he asked for so are you saying I shouldn't do so?

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Insightful, tell us what happened and how old you guys are (sounds like you are both mature individuals). I had a something "similar" at about 3 year mark and when I look at it now I laugh at how I reacted. We talked it out, at that time, within weeks, but that just me (can't hold a grudge although stuck in my head to this day). Anyways hope you sort through this soon and get to a better place. Cheering for you.

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From the sounds of it, your thoughts on the breakup seem to be mixed up. When he accused you of cheating, you did the right thing by communicating. Going into NC, would have been the worst possible technique, in my opinion. If he already had reason to think you cheated, then he would just assume that you aren't interested enough in the relationship. Then if I were him, I'd move on and not give the relationship a second glance. So I think you did the right thing by communicating at first.

 

Secondly, if he had good reason to believe you cheated, then his trust in you, I'm sure, was diminished. That sort of thing can be grounds enough for a breakup.

 

Finally, you kept asking to be friends, which seems like an odd request to me. That is something you consider when reconciliation is looking grim. I'm sure that didn't help his trust in you because you didn't put enough effort in to try to make the relationship work. Instead, you were welcome to the idea of being friends, which would seem like an insult if I were him (certainly wouldn't help in my ability to trust you).

 

So now that I got that out of the way, I would say that you mostly made the correct moves, other than suggesting the friendship, at least if I were in the shoes of your ex. Sending the descriptive email about what happened was certainly key. The next step is to open up the gates of communication, as the others suggest. Hash it out, explain how you each felt about the relationship before the breakup and determine why he still lacks trust in you. Does have reason to lack trust in you? If so, then why should he trust you? Explain that to him. This relationship seems very salvageable and I'm rooting for you.

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Insightful, tell us what happened and how old you guys are (sounds like you are both mature individuals). I had a something "similar" at about 3 year mark and when I look at it now I laugh at how I reacted. We talked it out, at that time, within weeks, but that just me (can't hold a grudge although stuck in my head to this day). Anyways hope you sort through this soon and get to a better place. Cheering for you.

 

Hi, Rigguy. I'm a little afraid to give specific details but we are both in our mid thirties, so you're right on about us being mature individuals.

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LongDist - this was "insightful" - thanks so much.

 

I kept in contact with him in the beginning even though he was ignoring me because I wanted to explain what happened. When he finally began to talk to me, he kept saying that he couldn't be with me because he couldn't trust me anymore so because he was saying that, I asked for friendship because I didn't think fighting for the relationship would work at the time, it seemed like it might push him away and we were finally talking and I didn't want to push. If anything, i was very angry with him for not believing in me but I forgave him. And then I was angry with him for giving up on our relationship without a fight but now I am just disappointed. My good girlfriend says he just needs more time. She thinks he's still processing because he started saying he would never speak with me again but he eventually did so I hope that she's right about the time factor. Does that clear the mix-up about friendship?

 

Where I am now is trying to decide if I should talk to him at the end of his space request or wait longer. I don't want to do anything that would enhance his trust concerns. I'm holding onto hope because in a text he told me that he no longer loved me, but then when we talked a few days later and he asked for time and space to try to put the relationship behind him, he told me that he still loved me and was missing me.

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