Damned if I do...Damned if I don't...

[Broken Bones]

First of all I'd like to say that I've read posts on here and that a lot of you have great things to say regarding this subject. Thank you for your thoughts, as I can see them definitely helping some people out there. I've been battling major depression for at least 10 years now, maybe longer. And though I can see the value of what some of you have to say, I have a hard time applying it to my specific situation. I realize I would be hurting people by choosing to remove myself from this planet. One thing that I'm trying to make sense of though, is when I should stop caring. These same people I would be affecting have played a large role in why I feel the way I feel. I seem to be a complete failure, no matter what I attempt. I don't believe my existence benefits society for any reason at all. I have come to the conclusion that the world has passed me by and will just keep on going. I do not feel like I can relate to anyone, yet I still try, with a small shred of hope, to make a connection(such as starting this thread). I've been alive for about 1/3rd of my lifespan and I am sick to death of how things go on. It seems to me that hurtful things happen to good people without much rhyme or reason to explain them. It seems like royal a**h***s have the best of luck at anything they do. Is this purely an issue of confidence? I think not. I believe it's more of an issue of greed and selfishness. Am I being selfish for believing I don't belong here? I don't think so. I've looked at the problem rather logically: 1.I am a burden of one type or another on a lot of people. 2. I don't like it here. 3. With a lot of patience, medications, and talk over the years, I have come to the same conclusion, based upon a lack of being able to find a suitable compromise. Was I just born to be the world's doormat? Am I not allowed to make mistakes, but must absolutely and immediately be understanding of others' mistakes? As I mentioned before, there is still that shred of hope that I can figure all of this out. But for now, it is as my thread title says, I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

[Nimzo]

I'd like to just say you're not alone here. I've only been battling depression for about 2 years, but everything you say is completely true, and reasonable. Some of us weren't cut out of for this life. We cant' get where we want to go by doing the right thing, because assholes always get there first by...well...being assholes. I personally don't relate and have never related to anyone either. I think it's just how I am, I feel no one else can understand me, so I isolate myself. In a way, I know I'd be better of just doing it. My belief is, after we die, it is like before we were born. So, who cares, right? Well, I'd still stick it out, if I were you. Live for the promise of tomorrow. Focus on positive things. Find a positive person. This is just the way we are. My therapist told me I'm too sensitive. His answer to my depression was "be apathetic". I have a problem with that. I have a problem with every * * * * * * * out there, everyone who's in pain, all the world's problems, they all seem to be my burden too. When in truth I can't do anything about the assholes out there. I can't fix everything. Sooner you learn that, and the sooner I learn it, the better off we'll be. I know it's easy to just want to be one of them, to be carefree, and make everything look so easy. But in the end, who's the better person? Well, I'd like to think it's people like you and me, but sometimes I'm not so sure. Sorry if this wasn't all that much helpful, partly venting my own thoughts.

[Broken Bones]

I thought what you wrote was awesome. It's extremely similar to how I feel/ behave on a daily basis. Everything seems to rub me the wrong way. And it's not like I wake up in the morning and say " I just know today is gonna be a bad day..." or anything so it's not like I'm setting myself up for failure. things just keep happening without much explanation as to why. After a while you do start to wonder if there is any hope of something different. I find it hopeful that someone else feels things similar to what I'm feeling. At the same time, it is a sad example of how many people are being affected by a downward-spiraling society.Today's society is merely trying to forget about the problems that exist, or medicate them and hope they go away. The majority of people in the world today are in denial about just how negatively the media/absence of morals and ethics in daily life, impacts people. Who's idea was it to create "reality shows" that have no shred of reality? I mean, come on. Doesn't that really put it into perspective? Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate you responding/venting very much.

[Nimzo]

No problem Glad it helped. Feel free to send me a private message or keep posting on your thread if you want to talk about anything in particular, or if anything else comes up. And if you're like me, I know you've considering suicide over and over again, but you aren't completely hopeless. I don't think you'll ever actually do it, and neither will I. We just keep getting dragged along through life, and hope one day we'll get a much deserved break.

[Broken Bones]

I appreciate your comments so very much! 98% of the time that is how I feel. I don't want to give up hope, but it is starting to seem pointless. I feel terrible. I keep striving for some kind of hope, but everything that is dangled in front of me seems to be sinisterly snatched away all of a sudden. It feels almost epic how things just get worse and worse. My health and my brain are failing me because of all the stress, and anxiety I feel every single day. I had plans today to go a few places. I didn't even make it through going to one place before I had to get back in my car and go home. I could not handle the anxiety attacks I have, and I often become confused about what's going on around me. Most of the time it feels like I'm in a parallel universe, and I don't know how I got there or why I can't seem to escape no matter what I do. I hate that these most recent thoughts of mine might downplay how much I truly do appreciate your comments, and the value they truly hold. I just think it's going to be a very long time before I'm out of the woods again, and by then it might already be too late to have much of a life anyways. Like you said, I will probably drag along through life for a long time. But what kind of life is that to live? Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.

[Nimzo]

No problem If you ever feel the need, stop by and send me a private message, I check the site almost daily.