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Why is he treating me like I left him?


EmmyEm84

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I posted earlier about my boyfriend of 6 years who left me suddenly for a girl from Australia (who left Tuesday to go back home).This was 3 weeks ago. The girl is a complete manipulator, manipulated my family and then stole my boyfriend after my sister kicked her out of my house and I asked my ex if she could stay at his house. ( i felt bad for her.)

I understand that the relationship is over. I have come to terms with the fact that he no longer loves me and loves this girl. (plans to move to Australia to be with her) etc.

What I dont understand is how he can treat me the way I should be treating him!

I saw him at a friends party yesterday. I was specifically told by my friend Andy that he would NOT be in attendance because he didnt invite him. Another person obviously did.

I walked in and saw him there and instead of running the other direction (first instinct) I said hello to everyone and preceded to try to have a good time. I realized that he had my passport and CDs in his car, so I texted him to please get my CDs and passport since we were both in the same place. I went out of the house to get the stuff from him and it put it in my car. When he handed me the stuff he simply said " Heres your crap, please dont vandalize my car because I know you are evil like that."

I would never, EVER in a million years do something like that, and he knows it! he knows that I was always the angel on his shoulder telling him to do the right thing (dont get into fights, dont do illegal things, make good decisions, etc)

I walked back inside...stunned and still tried to have a good time. (I didnt)

We ran into eachother in the hallway and I said "why are you acting like this?" and he said "Why are YOU even here." (implying that these were "his" friends) And I simply told him that I was personally invited, and even told that he wasnt coming. Again i said "why are you acting this way?" and he said "why do you care, did you suddenly grow a heart?" and walked away.

 

I just dont get it. I loved him for 6 years, stuck with him thru all of his problems, addictions and everything else, we were everything to eachother. Suddenly he feels this way? Could someone be manipulated that easily into beliving that I AM the bad person? When he said he wanted to break up in his text I pleaded that he think his decision through, and then when he said he was sure I told him that I understand. There were no cruel things said during the breakup.

 

What is going on! and I thought I was making some sort of progress.

head on table

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this guy sucks, no offense. he has probably been told countless lies about you from miss aus. or mutual friends of yours. AND if he can believe some rumors (even if that is what is going on) than he is weak and easily manipulated. What a jerk. Be glad its over. I know it hurts but at least hes just making it easier for you to move on in the long run. ugh. Im sorry.

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Ooof, this guy sounds like he is in for a bad ride w/ the Aussie girl. I wonder if he'll try to crawl back to you sometime, after that blows up.

You are a really cute girl and you sound like you have a great personality too. Him, not so much. I agree w/ the above poster; he sounds like a puppet now and that is too bad. It's his problem, not yours, so try not to take it personally. Sorry, and I hope you find someone better soon!

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I think you are leaving some things out about how things ended and why from your original thread on here. Perhaps you should read it over again and see what is in there that might have led to him acting like this - the answer to your question is probably in there.

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Ugh. Some piece of work he is. It might be rumors flying around the OP, though, and that's NOT her fault. People like to do that crap after two people break up; Spread lies and rub the salt in the wound so they make absolutely sure they won't get back together.

 

Misery loves company. Remember this. I am so sorry, OP, but you can do way better than this fool.

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I think you are leaving some things out about how things ended and why from your original thread on here. Perhaps you should read it over again and see what is in there that might have led to him acting like this - the answer to your question is probably in there.

 

I agree.

 

please dont vandalize my car because I know you are evil like that."

 

why do you care, did you suddenly grow a heart?"

 

Although he had his own issues during the course of the relationship..what about you. Were there any instances during the course of the relationship when the two of you got into a fight and you contributed to the escalation of the fight by doing anything to his belongings or saying anything that made it seem like you didn't care about him? He may indeed be simply trying to twist the blame on to you to absolve himself of guilt...or...his comments may be indicative of the way he was feeling about your actions throughout the relationship.

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Like DN said, you've left out alot of details that help paint a picture.

 

You say your sister kicked her out of her home - why?

 

You then got your boyfriend to take her in because you felt sorry for her - why?

 

Why would you take in someone that managed to get the boot from your sister?

 

Now, looking back at your other threads you say some interesting things that might explain why he is acting this particular way...

 

You say that sexually, by year 2 you weren't into him sexually and would only see him in that light to shut him up. Now he has someone that is no doubt really into him sexually, he may well see you as very cold. Sex helps bond us and if you're really attracted to your partner and it isn't happening, it can be very difficult and make you resentful.

 

You also said that you had a massive fight - about him having some drinks so not being able to give you a lift and him eventually saying you're no fun to be with. Not likely just to be a result of this one argument, but a culmination of things. You told him you wanted some time to cool off after the argument, he ends things the next day.

 

From your own post it sounds like your relationship wasn't satisfying either of you and that he wasn't getting enough out of it. For you, the relationship may be serving a financial objective and that was enough in itself, but for him, that clearly wasn't enough.

 

When you split you said you cut off all contact with him - facebook/msn etc. Could that also play a factor in his mindset.

 

 

The long and short of it was that this relationship had died long ago and inertia had kept it going. You partner jumped from it into the arms of a girl you in essence set him up with and his life will probably be very intense and exciting with her for a while...but, that relationship doesn't sound like it is founded on a very solid platform.

 

You've got a chance, to look after yourself, enjoy doing things by yourself again and not feeling like you're doing everything for someone else if you were doing that for him (your words). You spent 18-24 in one relationship, you've yet to really try getting to know what relationship can be like with different people and learning what you like and don't like so you can decide on who would be a good life partner.

 

 

Sorry if this doesn't hit that mark, only got my experience and your words to go on. Good luck!

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Emmy, villanizing the partner you left is very, very common. The initiator in the breakup changes history, rearranges memories, and makes the person left behind to be the "bad guy". This is a coping mechanism that enables the dumper to leave the relationship when there is no good reason. "I'm bored" doesn't cut it with society, so they subconsciously create a new identity for the person they left and redefine the relationship as negative.

 

You need to read Uncoupling. It explains everything, every step, without ever going into the "why". It deals only with the "how". It's a difficult book to read, but it's also liberating in many ways.

 

My ex told all his friends that I had trust and self-esteem issues. What he didn't mention was why that would be. I'd found the personal ads he was running, responses from couples looking for a third on Craigslist, a year long email exchange between another woman in Canada whom he'd met on a business trip, and the week he spent on business in a London hotel room with a co-worker. Oh, and he asked me to give a friend of his a BJ. None of that impacted me or our relationship in his mind. See how they rearrange the truth? It makes it easier for him.

 

Here's the tricky part...if he realizes what's happened (read the book) and that he wants you back, he probably won't be able to think of a way of doing it without losing face. His friends will think he's crazy - you being so outrageously mean and heartless. After the villanization, the dumper may want to come back, but because they've said such horrible things, there's no way they can make their way back. It's a sad cycle when that's the case, don't you think?

 

You did absolutely the right thing at that party. In fact, you were amazing. I love your strength.

 

And as for that other girl...we'll see. I won't believe it until you post that he actually did move to be with her.

 

Keep us posted and good luck, girl.

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Regardless of the problems in a relationship, any person can choose to act decent toward their ex during a break up. That is a choice all of us can make, regardless if we are the dumpee or the dumped.

 

Try to disengage your mind from this person.

 

His actions are not important anymore. Understanding his actions may never come.

 

Focus on yourself. Try to heal from the relationship. Maybe take time to write in a journal and be honest with yourself about both the good and bad parts of the relationship. Look at your own behavior and look at his. See if you can reach a point where you understand why things didn't work between you.

 

This process will help you become a healthy person when you get into your next relationship. It will help you avoid making any mistakes you may have made in the past.

 

Good luck!

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Like DN said, you've left out alot of details that help paint a picture.

I didnt give details because they are EXTREMELY complicated..and it would take a novel to write it, but i will try to explain.

 

You say your sister kicked her out of her home - why?

 

My ex and I had recently came back from a 45 day trip from Florida, in the mean time this girl (who was friends with my sister when she lived in Australia for a year) came and stayed at our house. I came home and had very little interaction with her, she was very polite. I felt that my sister being the hot tempered person she is kicked her out over something petty. This girl had no where to go...and was very upset.

My sister didnt talk to me until I found out my ex left me for her. (she was mad I sided with the girl because I felt that my sister could be irrational at times)

The reason why my sister kicked her out was because they had gone out and the girl had gotten drunk and had sex with a middle aged taxi driver, then later disapeared again with another random guy that night. The taxi driver showed up later with my mothers cell phone (she loaned it to the girl because she had no cell phone here in the US). When the taxi cab driver showed up to my house the girl blamed my sister for not watching over her while she drank, so my sister and her had a huge blow out and my sister kicked her out. (that was not the first time the girl had done this)

AGAIN I didnt know this, I walked up to my house an hour later to the australian girl crying outside my house, I took her stuff and brought her to my exs.

You then got your boyfriend to take her in becaus e you felt sorry for her - why?

 

My boyfriend never met her at the time he took her in, but I asked him if she could stay while she figured out her next step (whether she was going to go back to Australia early, stay in a hotel, or whatever) My mother and sister both felt that I was helping a random person and not taking the side of my family, and refused to talk to me for over a week because of it. I never even knew the reason why they fought, because both my mother and sister were ignoring me.

 

Why would you take in someone that managed to get the boot from your sister?

Because I thought that I was doing the right thing, she seemed innocent enough.. until I found out the reason of the fight.

 

I have never ever done anything to vandalize anyones property before, including his. I stopped him from vandalizing before. So I dont know where he is getting this, unless she has manipulated him into believing so.

 

Even though I did write things in my first post to indicate we did not have a perfect relationship I still feel it gives him NO right to treat me the way he is. I was completely willing to work thru our problems, sexual or otherwise to make this relationship work. I was even willing to go to councelling. I stuck by him for 6 years. I was WILLING to spend the rest of my life with this man. I saw so much potentail in him.

 

6 years is too long to summarize into a post on a fourm. I almost feel like im being blamed for all of this on here.

 

Even if we did have problems, we were getting along fine. Like I said, wednesday he told me he wanted to spend the rest of my life with me, thursday we get into a fight over him drinking and driving, then he breaks up with me over a text message.

 

Even his friends are appauled by his strange and cold behavior. He is usually so jovial and goofy.

 

I really dont even know what to say anymore.

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6 years is too long to summarize into a post on a fourm. I almost feel like im being blamed for all of this on here.

 

 

No one here is blaming you, or thinking you deserve blame.

 

I think, that like you we're trying to understand his actions and lets face it, it is pretty hard to understand that he can be so infatuated with this Aussie girl already and end things so abruptly with you.

 

I can only speculate that he slept with her the night of your fight and ended things with you by text rather than face to face as he was too ashamed.

 

I can only speculate that he is treating you like crap as he is trying to blame you for his actions and trying to justify himself.

 

You've had a really bad deal in how this relationship has ended and he has acted like a coward.

 

 

Be glad you're now not with someone who would treat you like this, grieve for what you thought you had and take the time to enjoy your independence.

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What do you mean by so much potential?

 

He was and is a very hard worker. He also is a hard partier.

When taken out of the "club scene" minus the drinking, etc..he was dependable, caring, and sweet. When he is in the club scene he is immature, irresponsible, and he doesnt think about his actions or the consequences of his actions. (which is what alcohol can do to people)

 

Im almost 25 years old. I have been in the party scene since I was 21. I thought that soon we would start to slow down with the clubbing and partying.(3 times a week is too much for me now staying out from 9pm to 4am or later)

I figured once I the partying died down and we settled down, he wouldnt have the chance to drink or do other things that impair his judgement as much. I saw the potential in him to be a successful, level headed, mature man.

I saw the potential for him to finally grow up.

I just saw a bright future.

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What do you mean by so much potential?

 

He was and is a very hard worker. He also is a hard partier.

When taken out of the "club scene" minus the drinking, etc..he was dependable, caring, and sweet. When he is in the club scene he is immature, irresponsible, and he doesnt think about his actions or the consequences of his actions. (which is what alcohol can do to people)

 

Sorry, but stop sticking up for a guy who (even after 6 years of dating) is siding with someone he JUST met. Someone who would rather leave you for some Aussie chick. Because this paragraph looks like you are still in 'but he- he-' defense mode. Trust me, I've been there, done that.

 

You'll be waay better off when you're doing your own thing and him and her aren't as 'happy' as he thinks they are going to be. Seriously, it's gonna turn out pretty nasty considering her flirting/promiscuous ways.

 

Guess bottom line what I'm saying is: the more he seems to be pushing himself closer to this other chick, the more farther away you should try to be with him. Ignore all the crap about him acting like you left him. He's going with the Aussie's rumors. I can't imagine what BS she is pulling (or what info she has on you), but regardless, washing your hands clean of this mess is the best option. After you got your stuff from him, now its time to just try to forget him. He's playing with fire right now- and he'll get burned.

 

Again - I can't wait for him to move away. It would do you so good, you don't even realize.

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that's the thing, potentials are just that.. potentials sad. be strong

 

This^.

 

Everyone has potentials. You, me, anyone has the potential to do great things and mature - the only difference is: not everyone has the MOTIVATION to fulfill those potentials.

 

Seems like he has lack of that. Which, now is not your problem!

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You truly sound like an angel, seriously you did your best in a relationship so don't look back. I bet there is a lucky guy out there that is waiting for you. Don't beat yourself over it some people are in the head at some point of their lives. Cheers, R.

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