marry my mamma's boy?

[scattered1]

I have been reading the post on this forum for the last few hours and everyone here seems to have such good advice, I'm hoping someone can help me. I have recently become engaged to a man I'm very much in love with. We have dated for almost 4 years and have a wonderful relationship. The only problem is the relationship he has with his mother. I don't even know where to start but the relationship is abnormal to say the least. His mother is a codependent and puts a huge amount of pressure on him. She controls almost every aspect of his life, for example, he is required to save a certain amount of money from his paycheck every two weeks and she collects it. If we need money at some point, he has to go to her and ask for it and it's always a struggle. Any large purchases we make have to get her approval first, always a struggle. He has two sons from a previous marriage, he gets them every other weekend, they stay at her house instead of ours. Also, we recently moved into a house 4 houses down from hers which seems to have magnified these issues lately because I'm more aware of what's going on. I reluctantly agreed to move here because I thought being this close would help her relax and she would back off but it seems to have had the opposite effect. A few more examples -she's constantly buying him clothes and sending him home with a car full of groceries which bothers me and I'm not sure why. Even though we live on the same street she DEMANDS that he call her everyday--if he misses a day or two she gets depressed and pouts!! Please help I really love this man but I feel like I'm losing my mind....any advice is appreciated.

 

 

sorry if this is hard to follow...my fiancee and his sons are at his mothers house for the night and i am home alone...I'm angry and rambling

[pumpkinmoon]

That must be a tough situation. Does he stay there with them every time he has the children? Also, is she married or with anyone?

[abitbroken]

I had an ex husband where his mother would flip out if she didn't get to iron his shirts. She was not as extreme as your future mother in law, but I can relate.

 

Right now, you are playing right into her by moving close by, but even if you lived on the moon or in her house it wouldnt matter, and I think that if you want this relationship to survive you have to do a combination of having a backbone and sticking up (or making your husband think its his idea) or picking your battles. if she sends him home with groceries - well that can't do any harm unless she guilts you. Let her buy him things, and then thank her and say that it is great that you'll have extra stuff in the house for the boys. Then reciprocate and bake her a pie an take it over etc once in a blue moon. If you have way too much, give it to a food pantry, or tell mother that you have enough this week.

 

The money thing is a battle you must pick. Firstly, I would tell him that it is very admirable that your mom takes the boys, but then schedule outtings with them so she can't have them the whole time. But I would find out why his mother keeps his money. Tell him that you are very good at handling money and would be more than happy to manage it when you are married or better yet show him hiw. Find out if there is a reason why the mom has his money. Was there some sort of court agreement with his divorce because he spends like a drunken sailor and there needs to be money for the kids? Find out! And then set a plan where the three of you are clear mom's duties end. It will tell you a lot about your fiance - whether he's just lazy, or he finds it easier to give into mom than fight.

 

Also, i would consider addressing the codependency. If he is open to it, there are 12 step groups for codependency and there are good books on boundaries out there. He can't change mom, but he can work on his end or you can work on your end too.

 

I don't know what your faith is, but the Bible says that the husband leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife. I had this discussion with my husband to be - that it doesn't mean that mom and dad are out of the picture, but we make decisions as husband and wife. Not mom and son. You, any future children, and his children that he has come first. Ask if he realizes that when you are married, you are a new family unit. It makes me wonder the reason of his divorce. I can't help but wonder if mom was a factor.

[scattered1]

he used to stay the weekend at her house but now that we live so close he usually comes home to sleep. She is married but it seems like she has a closer relationship with her son than her husband. I do not think his parents have a good relationship at all and that bothers me. His mom orders his dad around and controls him also. He has to sneak to drink a beer and has to come home from work immediately when he gets off. She always talks down to him.

[DN]

I am sorry to say that I cannot see how you could develop a healthy relationship with this man least of all a marriage.

[scattered1]

thanks for replying. I already know his mom keeps his money because he would rather not argue with her..she acts depressed and won't get out of bed or talk to him if he suggest doing things on his own. She is fully aware that she is co-dependent and chooses not to do anything about it. My husband and his father have both given up fighting her and just submit to her demands to make their lives easier. It's all so insane to me. They both know how weird and unhealthy it is but don't think there is anything that can be done. I guess they're right but I don't know if I can live like this. I love her but I want to scream at her. Also, his mother is a very devout christian and refers to the bible for most things but then conviently ignores passages like the one your referring to!

[abitbroken]

btw i think its fine if your husband and his boys go somewhere overnight once in awhile. There may be a condition of the visitation based on their ages put in place way before you were around that dad can't have an overnight guest when the boys are around. I know you are engaged, but maybe the mother doesn't want her boys to see that. Not like you are "doing anything" but you know what i mean.

 

If that were the only issue I would say let it go. But you really have to decide if he is ever going to make you first, or if you are going to have to kowtow to Mom. I recommend you make all of your feelings known now and you assert what you are going to put up with. You "went along with" moving, but dont go along with anything else. Do things because you WANT to do them. If you don't do what you feel now, it will be harder when suddenly 5 years down the road you wonder why you didnt speak up.

 

also, out of curiosity - you are engaged but when is the wedding? is there a date? and is mom already calling the shots?

 

If mom is 95 years old i would say let it ride, though if he is codependent he'll latch on to something else. If Mom is 60, it is going to be a very tedious marriage if you dont address things.

 

to answer your original question I would not marry him right now. The money thing scares me. I assume you have your own money, and if not, get it. But it scares me if there was an emergency (hospital, etc, a real emergency) and you needed money and had to play 20 questions with mom. I was in the situation where i had $5 to my name when my ex's sister closed all his bank accounts, so know how that can be.

[abitbroken]

Ah. I see. Well. He needs to decide between you and mom. He needs to take all future paychecks and not give mom another penny. Even if that means he loses the money he has given her in the past, because you are that important to him. So what if she pouts. She will live. She might scream and yell. And if she doesn't talk to him for a bit. Oh well. I have worked with people in a support group, and have found that people freak when you first change your way of doing things, they can't take it, but eventually they live with it and someday, perhaps, have more respect for them. She is too codependent to never talk to him again, believe me. It may take minutes, days, or months, but she will.

 

I am really saddened that his father thinks that way. It is one thing to not argue when mom wants to blow her money on lotto tickets or wants to make jello every single day, but to give up your very independence, and financial security just to appease mom is shame on your fiance.

 

If it helps, maybe dad can be there when he tells her no to help buffer things. are there aunts and uncles who know how she is?

 

I would be tempted to make this a condition of marriage.

[scattered1]

You are right about not having over night guest being part of his custody agreement however; I do not think this will change when we get married. We do not have a date set for the wedding. I am reluctant to set one because of the issues I'm having. I think your right about picking my battles and the money situation being my main priority. It's all about control for her, she can control him by holding on to his money and that is why she insist on it. I know it will help to pick my battles and speak up, set some boundries before we get married. I guess what's bothering me right now is I have this angry, hostile feeling towards my fiancee and his mother. What can I do about that? I love him so much and don't want to feel like this.

[pumpkinmoon]

Sorry but she sounds crazy to me. The only way things are going to change is if the people around her stand up to her and don't give in the her little fits of staying in bed and acting depressed. I think you should really talk to your bf about this and let him know that you are not going to be willing to put up with this behaviour when you are married and you want to see some changes before you do commit to marriage. Even if it's just the bigger issues that get sorted, which for me would be the money and her having the children there all the time. I'm sure you could cope with him phoning her everyday and her sending groceries. Just try to get what bothers you the most sorted.

[scattered1]

There are not any aunts and uncles but her mother lives accross the street and she knows exactly what I'm going through. They argue constantly because the woman tries to control her own mother! The grama recently told me that when her husband died, her daughter said "I'm in charge now!" Can you believe that?

[abitbroken]

There are not any aunts and uncles but her mother lives accross the street and she knows exactly what I'm going through. They argue constantly because the woman tries to control her own mother! The grama recently told me that when her husband died, her daughter said "I'm in charge now!" Can you believe that?

 

Yes, i can believe it.

 

Is your fiance's mom my ex sister in law?? She would say that her grandmother and dad died and left her boss! She felt she was in charge of her mom and siblings and kept telling her sister she had money saved in case she wanted to leave her husband!

 

I would still tend to not set a date for marriage right yet. i would suggest you go to counseling together or come to a meeting of the minds. It is not "all about money" but money is among the top 3 reasons couples have stress in marriage or break up. and it is a symbol for lots of other things.

 

I would seek support for your anger. on your own if you wish. That is only something you can deal with. I agree with the only way sometimes is when people around someone stands up to them. I will say there was an aunt of my ex that I stood up too. And she called me a witch, told people i gave her the evil eye and cast spells on her (yeah, whatever). She didn't talk to my ex for 6 months and me for a year. But then one day she got over herself and she decided life was too short, and we actually became close. I am not saying that the mom and you will, but sometimes standing up to someone does wonders. Even if it is for your own boundaries.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think most people have a cartoon character in the family. What I did with my mother in law was come home after each trip fuming and mock her. It worked for two decades, then I just quit going to visit. I wouldn't allow her to run my life, just c o c k your head and ignore the old bat.

[Lonewing]

wow...where does one start...

 

You have a tough cookie to crack here, but you will have to crack it. If that means you end up single and with someone else, it will be for your sanity!

 

You might simply reward your fiance for positive behavior and do nothing in response to bad behavior...and heep on the positive reinforcement to build up his non-existant self esteem. Make him want to put his money in the joint account and now mom's account, make him WANT to move away, make him WANT to have his kids spending visitation with him and YOU.

 

You can't change mom. You can ween the boy...and help him recognize the man he has become.

[catfeeder]

It's not about the mother, it's about BF and his tolerance and pacification of her behavior. Pitting yourself against her is a losing battle. If BF doesn't see the problem clearly enough to fix it on his own, then frankly, you're on a sinking ship.

[nina2009]

What exactly is bothering you in this situation? His mother is obviously not your favorite person. He has to dedicate a remarkable amount of effort to keep her content. She does keep her men on their toes. Try to answer what is exactly bothering you?

 

The best way to keep this relationship is to ignore this matter. Focus on yourself. Find something you can do when he is out with her and do it - go buy yourself new jeans. Try to see his goings to her as your free time. Do not think where did he go, imagine that his relationship with his mother is his job.

 

o not try to fight for the control she has over him. Have instead control over your life. She is not controlling you, try to see positive side in it and support your husband. Fighting with him over his Mom will push him away.

[Ms Darcy]

It's not about the mother, it's about BF and his tolerance and pacification of her behavior. Pitting yourself against her is a losing battle. If BF doesn't see the problem clearly enough to fix it on his own, then frankly, you're on a sinking ship.

 

Ditto this. Please don't simply ignore this and don't try to fight his mom. This is about him. It's up to him to really step up here. Talk to him openly about his concerns.