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I still want this relationship, why?


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Its a rather long story, but Ill keep it as brief as possible.

 

I think I need to do a basic rundown of my relationship to really get the best advise.

 

We got together almost 7 years ago. She was my first serious girlfriend and the only person I have ever slept with or really done anything physical with.

 

Either way, a few months after we got together she broke up with me to be with another guy. We got back together a few weeks later. I found out later that after we got back together she had continued to cheat on me with this other guy and eventually found out that she had hooked up in some way shape or form with three other guys. Before I knew she had continued to cheat on me we had moved in together, so we were living with each other at that point. When I found out, for some reason I stayed together with her, probably because I didnt want to lose the few good things she offered to me, and I was at a point in my life where for whatever stupid reason I was willing to take the crap from her. I ended up moving out a while later later, but we stayed together.

 

At that point the relationship went back and forth, with her being very depressed for a while, to me being very depressed. She eventually seemed to come around and start doing nicer things for you, while I was depressed.

 

About a year and a half ago, I started working on fixing some of the things I wanted to fix for our relationship. Then this past february, my best friend told me that one drunken night the two of them had hooked up, at which point it came out that 6 months earlier she had hooked up once with another one of my best friends. Now I am not here for advise on the friends, so I dont wanna hear it, I am dealing with that as best as possible.

 

So anyways, at that point I decided to stay with her... again. Things spiraled downwards from there, as I started pulling away from her and she really didnt do anything to make up for what she had done. So about 3 months ago, we basically went back and forth, breaking up and then getting back together. We did this a few times, and it came from both of us, and usually ended with her saying that I was the only person she has ever wanted and that she wanted to be with me. Finally, after I basically rejected her one night, she went online and ended up meeting this guy online. They started up a short relationship and at that point she told me she was moving on and that she wasnt in love with me anymore. At that point I realized that I wanted to be with her and went far out of my way to do nice things for her and try to show her that I was willing to give a serious try to fix the things I needed to fix for this relationship.

 

A few days later she ended up calling me back saying that she was thinking about me a lot and that she wanted to be with me. So of course, like an idiot, I rushed right over there and we basically picked up where we left off. Of course, I was still hurt by this new guy and the cheating and all that, but I was still trying to do the things for her.

 

So a month or so after we got together, she met this guy at work and started hanging out with him... and started hanging out with him a lot. Of course it bothered me, not just because of the past, but because I feel like I would have every right to be bothered if my girlfriend in a committed relationship started spending a whole lot of time with another guy. She continually claimed that they were just friends and that she was just taking advantage of this situation cause she hadnt had any real friends for the last 7 years (that part is true). So like a fool I apologized to her for starting arguments and told her that I supported her and wanted her to be happy as long as she didnt hurt me.

 

Finally, labor day weekend, we had a vacation scheduled. The first two days didnt go very well, she had sort of been pulling away from me a bit, we hadnt really had sex much and she was just kinda distant. So at the end of the second day we got into an argument, at which point she told me that she wasnt really sure if she was still in love with me and that she wanted to break up. After we argued some more she ended up saying that she really just wanted to be sure of her feelings for me before we moved our relationship forward and she just needed some time to think. For some stupid reason i decided we might as well finish out our vacation (I paid for the whole thing afterall) and we ended up having sex a lot, and basically had a decent time at that point, other than the fact that she wouldnt change her mind and we still argued about it. So i kept pressing her and she continually claimed that it wasnt about this guy and she really just needed time to think.

 

So finally, last weekend, a week after our trip, I told her I really needed to talk to her as it was just hard for me to accept what she had told me and I felt like I needed to say some things. So last Sunday she ended up basically telling me that she loves this new guy and that it was totally about him. She would have been happy with the life I offered her, but that she loved him and was going to be with him. She also admitted at the very least that she had kissed him while we were still together. I basically havent talked to her since then, granted it was only 5 days ago.

 

Now as I think about it, she lied to me so many times, and really treated me like I was worthless and obviously, breaking up with me is the ultimate thing that makes me feel worthless to her. But for some reason even though I realize how awful she was and realize that she treated me badly, I still want all the good things I felt we had. I had myself so set on moving this relationship forward after 7 years and felt like I could trust her. She would continuously tell me that she loved me and that I was the most important person to her and I started doing all the things she wanted. I had finally committed myself to it, only to have her go do that all over again.

 

I find myself at a point where I know how terribly she treated me and I am really on the verge of just completely hating her and wanting her out of my life forever. But I am also being held back by extremely strong feelings of love (even though they may be based on lies) and missing everything we had together. I find myself constantly thinking about how I want her back. I know its not my choice, and I know there is certainly a possibility she may come back. But honestly, I dont know if I should ever want that, and I just kind of want to be at that point now. She has treated me so badly, and I really am just looking for advise on how to get over this. Because even through all the terrible treatment, I still love her and still want to be with her and I want those feelings gone because I cant be with her and even if I could, I know I shouldnt.

 

... woops so much for being brief

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Wow... That is quite a story. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I have to assure you that there are other HONEST decent loyal women out there who deserve your love.

 

I know you have heard the axiom "Actions speak louder than words", we all have but if ever this applied to a particular case, it is this one. She has REPEATEDLY lied to you and cheated on you. I think when she first started doing this and you forgave her, she realized she could pretty much do anything she wanted and you would still be there for her. She tested you and discovered that you were a softie when it came to her. I cannot see her changing her ways and suddenly becoming a one man woman. It doesn't seem to be in her nature or character.

 

I suspect that the reason you have hung in there for so long is because this was your first love. You are very sentimental about what you two have shared and that is understandable. But I have to tell you that she is extremely selfish in her actions and you deserve so much better. And there are lots of good women out there who would not cheat on you with your friends and string you along for years while being with other men as if she were single practically. I suspect you are probably young (early 20s?) since this was your first serious girlfriend. At your age there are even MORE single attractive lovely women everywhere. You need to close this chapter of your life, stop yearning for someone who is so disrespectful of you I cannot really believe it, and find a new woman. Really...your self esteem is suffering and that aint good. Good luck in your search.

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Respect yourself and she will respect you. That is what all relationships are about. The moment you lose someone's respect is the moment you lose the game. If you respect yourself and don't let her walk all over you, will she respect you. She won't cheat and if she does, you let her go. Because you don't accept such behavior. As they say, sometimes love must be tough.

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Have you considered that you may be confusing love with dependency?

 

Since you've always landed back together, why not just give yourself a long enough break from that to outlast your grief and see what's on the other side of it without her? Sure, it might be scary and painful, but you've never given yourself the opportunity to learn what life could be like on your own. You might surprise yourself.

 

In your corner.

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Well lets see, gonna respond to each here.

 

Lilly, yes I definitely think she is one of the most selfish people I have ever met. Thats not to say that she hasnt done good things for our relationship and that its been completely one sided this whole time. I certainly have my flaws and have made my share of mistakes, but nothing that comes close to what she has done to me. I am not making any excuses and I am certainly not placing any blame on myself, especially since I know that at the very least at the end I worked very hard to work on and fix my faults (as they applied to the relationship) and I know for a fact I was able to fix most of them and in time I was working on fixing the rest. Yes, I am relatively young, 25, closer to 26, and while my rational side is telling me that there are certainly people out there who I can have everything I had with her and more as well as someone who wont hurt me, but its just hard to see considering I have no other experience to fall back on. As much as I want to move on, and I will, I still want to be with her and want to believe that any issues can be worked out, I just know that I have done what I needed to do and if she hasnt been able to fix her flaws at this point she probably never will.

 

Bexcelant. I definitely agree, every time I go back and get hurt again, I definitely feel like a fool and yes, as much as I want to respect myself, I always come up with a ton of reasons why I should go back and rationalize it to myself. She probably realizes on some level that I will come back, so to her, she can do what she wants and I will always be there if or when she wants or needs me again.

 

Catfeeder, I have considered that point. I certainly feel like there is a dependancy issue there, but I dont necessarily think I am confusing it as love. What may be true is that the love I feel may actually either be based on lies that she has told me or rather based on the idea I have created of her in my mind. That idea is probably based on the beginning of our relationship when things were good as well as the things she has told me, some, if not all were lies, or half truths.

 

One way or another she has made the decision this time around, so she is giving me the time I may need to get past it. As much as I want to go back, Im hoping she wont come back so that I can get past it and while I do still want things with her, I also hope she will give me enough time so that if or when she does come back I will at the very least be strong enough not to blindly jump back in or even not let her back into my life at all. And ive just been going through phases ranging from complete anger, not just at her, but at myself for trusting her, to complete sadness and what I feel I have lost. Still trying to make sure I think of it as her loss not mine, but I just cant seem to help being sad and wanting it back. And really, I hate waiting, and I just want to be done with this and there are two options. Go back now (which I cant since its not my decision) and fix things for a temporary period and put myself in a situation where I will probably end up right back here at some point... or just wait it out and get past it, but I hate waiting and feel terrible in the meantime. Ugh!

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The best thing she can do for you now is stay broken up with you. I usually never say this to people but man, she has been disrespecting you for years. I can guarantee you that years from now when you look back on this relationship, you will kick yourself for staying so long. Cheating once is really bad but more than that is emotionally abusive.

 

I know we love who we love just because we love them whether they deserve it or not. It is terrible when you realize that you are in love with someone who treats you badly. I know you've been in the relationship a long time and there have been a lot of good times but the past couple of years sound pretty bad to me. I think you are in love with the idea of her, the beginning of the relationship, and the scraps she is giving you now. It is not enough to sustain a healthy long-term relationship. You are dependent on her and it is hard to give her up. Very hard. I can see that. She is probably dependent on you which is why she keeps coming back. Codependancy. If you can really try to handle the bad feelings of being without her and wait to get past them, you will be so much better off. I know you think you know better and you'll make your own decisions about this but at the very least try to go a month without talking to her even if she contacts you. Or if that seems too hard, just go one day at a time without talking to her. I'm sorry to be harsh but this is a really bad situation for you. I'm so sorry!

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Its like I know how she treated me and it makes me very angry, actually it disgusts me, not just at how she treated me, but it disgusts myself to know that I kept coming back. Convincing myself that this time would be different, things would change, and each time things did change, for a time, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter, but it always went back.

 

I agree, I do feel like maybe I can change things, but I know I have done everything on my end to change any of my flaws and I cant make her change hers... as much as ide like to believe she can change, I know on another level that if she hasnt done it now she either doesnt want to or cant.

 

So I am stuck now, I just want to be over this and over her, but at the same time, I am holding on to some feelings that I am finding extremely difficult to let go, and I know its been a very short amount of time, but since I cant express them, I want them gone because I know that having these feelings has only caused me hurt and probably will only cause me hurt again in the future.

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we still want these kind of relationship because we believe somehow we can magically change things..

 

True. Grief is a natural part of growth, but there's a huge difference between the pain of losing a loved one versus the pain of dis-illusion-ment. Confusing the two drives people back into bad relationships. If I can't stand to see the truth about someone and why they are bad for me, I can pretend not to see it and cling to that person--but that's not going to change them, or me.

 

If you want to make changes in your life and your ability to find happiness, then you need to ride out the discomfort that comes along with change. You can claim to be weak and leave your choices up to someone else, but then your misery doesn't come from what they do or don't do--it comes from giving up your own power over your own life.

 

Happiness is a goal, but it's also a decision to move toward it. Every single day.

 

In your corner.

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It is scary to let go especially after you have been with someone for so long. She is a habit. She is familiar but that doesn't mean it is good.

 

She WILL NOT CHANGE! You need to understand this. If she cheated once I would be skeptical but after all of the times she cheated, even with your friends, you need to let her go.

 

She will not change. If you think you can change her with love, you are wrong. She will not change.

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I know that I won't be able to change her and that the only thing that could would have to come from her.

 

I am just having an incredibly difficult time of letting this go in my mind and most of what I think about is wanting to go back to it even though on a rational level I know how wrong it would be

 

I just feel incredibly lost and hurt. Lost because the person who was my best friend and the biggest part of my life is no longer there anymore potentially forever. I am hurt not just by the the things she did but because for whatever reason I trusted her and that trust was violated and taken away from me. I just want my companion back

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Emotions are never logical or rational. That is why people stay in bad relationships.

 

When you get the urge to call her, read your original post. It's pretty bad and it is only a summary. I think if you get back together it will only be a matter of time before you break up again. Trust me I have seen some messed up relationships in my time, and this is definitely messed up. She has been having sex with a variety of people while telling you that she is true to you. Is she using condoms? Geez, the fact that you have to think about that just shows how messed up this is. Please move on. Not for me but for you.

 

Print out this thread, put it in your wallet and pull it out and read it when you get weak.

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Everyone wants the companionship and all the good stuff back from their relationships--it just comes down to how many propeller blades you're willing to walk through to get it.

 

When the thing you 'want' destroys you, the only thing left to do is to change that particular 'want' into a warning, and focus on wanting better.

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I appreciate the advice so far and the comments.

 

Lilly, you said to print out this thread, heh, I dont think I need to do that, there is nothing that can make me forget everything she has done, and I am constantly trying to bring it up in my head to remind me why this is better for me. I even wrote her an 8 page email detailing all the terrible things she has done to me and how it makes me feel about her. Dont worry, I didnt send it, it was written for myself and for others who actually care about my feelings to read. And believe me, I have had 7 years to go over all that in my head, and there are things about what she did almost 7 years ago that are still just as fresh in my mind.

 

catfeeder, yea, I have walked through more propeller blades with this relationship than anyone should in their life. I am not willing to walk through anymore. I know on some level that if I was given the chance to go back (and really it would be me giving her the chance) that unless things were drastically different (which they almost certainly wouldnt be) then I would just end up in this situation all over again feeling like complete crap.

 

In the end right now, I am working on it, and I know that time is probably the only thing thatll get me past it, but I am stuck on certain feelings (that are probably based on lies) and I just feel so so lost and depressed. She has had most if not all the control in this relationship and I almost feel that by feeling down, she still has control. I want the control back and I just with there was something I could do now that wouldnt hurt in the meantime.

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One way to gain control is to decide that you don't want her even if she wants you. I told my ex this once (we will never be together again, I said) and I felt awesome after saying it. At the time I was hoping for a reconcilation but I felt like a patsy so I just said that (above) and felt like I was finally taking a little control.

 

I know you feel really terrible and I'm sorry for your pain. I am concerned that you will not take any advice and try again with this girl. The reason I say that is because you said in your last email "...almost certainly...wouldn't happen..." The ALMOST in that sentence says a lot. I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you. Wishing you much luck and happiness.

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Yea, its only because im holding onto something.

 

As much as it may seem that I am sitting around trying to convince myself that I want to be with her, I really am focusing on getting over her and getting past those feelings. Just right now, I am still holding onto things, and its going to take some time to get past them. It comes and goes and there are times I cant believe I ever stayed with her and times that I go right back to really feeling that sense of loss and have an overwhelming desire to call her and go back to the way things were (or at least were some of the time). And it is those things that I am still having issues getting past.

 

Thanks for all the help, I definitely need all the support I can get right now

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Yea, its only because im holding onto something.

 

As much as it may seem that I am sitting around trying to convince myself that I want to be with her, I really am focusing on getting over her and getting past those feelings. Just right now, I am still holding onto things, and its going to take some time to get past them. It comes and goes and there are times I cant believe I ever stayed with her and times that I go right back to really feeling that sense of loss and have an overwhelming desire to call her and go back to the way things were (or at least were some of the time). And it is those things that I am still having issues getting past.

 

Thanks for all the help, I definitely need all the support I can get right now

 

Whenever you feel weak, ask yourself whether a life spent looking over your shoulder all the time is really what you want to settle for. Think of what living in a state of distrust does to your stomach lining. Ask yourself what she could possibly say to compensate for the fact that you'd never believe her, and you'd always wonder when she's being disloyal.

 

Once someone demonstrates the capacity to cheat, she shows you what she's made of. If she convinces you that she's learned her lesson, it might be reasonable to consider the good outweighing this one mistake. But when she does it again, that's a sociopath. That's a person who's missing a fragment of DNA--someone who will never be guided by a conscience. It's beyond desperate to convince yourself otherwise.

 

My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.

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Dude, i feel for you. i was blind to all the same * * * * . Take it as a compliment to your character. Anyone with the integrity to do what you have done is without a doubt a decent person. She isnt. We are in the same boat here man. I wish i could tell you what makes things better, but im sorry, if i knew that, i wouldnt be on here...

 

Experiencing this myself, and reading about your situation makes me incredibly unsure about whether ANY woman ANYWHERE can be trusted. I know ive never met one.

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CB4RH, I feel for you too and I agree about the situation of never trusting any woman again. However, I know in my case I will be able to. I was put through probably the worst thing anyone could experience in a relationship (other than a significant other dying, at least then your trust hasnt been betrayed... well in most cases i would assume) and the thing is I always went back and I was always able to regain most if not all of my trust. I figure if I can trust her even after the stuff she repeatedly did, I will have no trouble trusting someone in the future. Im sure though I will always have some issues with trust, but I am holding out hope that someone will come along in the future that wont betray my trust and will trust me back.

 

One of the things that always bothered me about this last relationship was that, even though I wasnt perfect, far from it, I was a lot better than her in terms of trust. The craziest thing was that she trusted me FAR less than I trusted her, and I had never given her a reason, at least not anything close to what she did, for her to not trust me.

 

Its been slightly over 2 weeks since she broke up with me, and today was the end of my fourth full day of NC and the first weekend where I havent spoken to her, pretty much since we first got together almost 7 years ago.

 

So far, Ive gone from being completely depressed to cautiously optimistic, but usually ending up more of the time just depressed. Since she was my first, I still cant picture myself ever having any of the same (the good) things we had with anyone else. I know that I have way more to offer someone than she can offer to me, but I still find myself missing her greatly and I find myself having feelings that I will never be able to have any of the good things again with anyone else... I guess chalk that one up to experience, or rather lack thereof. Even though it has been 2 weeks now, as far as I see it, it really has only been 4 days, even though the last time we talked it was only literally for 1 minute and we really didnt say anything, but it has only been 4 days since I havent spoken to her. I do know that I will never be able to truly move on as long as she is in the picture. I find myself missing her and even though we arent together, I still want to hold out hope that at the least we will be friends and she will be part of my life, but I know that having her in my life will probably just hold me back from moving on. I still want her, and I still feel like I have suffered an incredible loss, but I have tried to spend my time focusing on the bad things she has done because I know I wont miss any of those things, and I know that as long as I keep associating the things she did with her, in time I wont miss her either.

 

It has been up and down for me this weekend, but the fact that there are ups is giving me strength to not call her and hope for the future. So yea, im very sad, but if you were treated in any way similar to me, just try to remember that you will not miss the hurt, and if you go back, that hurt will probably never completely go away. I try to keep reminding myself, it takes two people to make a successful relationship and if she was more focused on making herself happy at my expense, then chances are she will never be the right person for me and i suspect it would be the same for you CB4RH.

 

As much as I need support, and I need a lot, I have been cheated on now for 7 years, so surprisingly, I actually have a lot of perspective on it and how to deal with it, even though my feelings to tend to get in the way a lot.

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I really feel for you - the thing that jumps out to me the most from what you wrote is that your self-respect is going to increase so much as you gradually let go of this toxic relationship.

 

The most important thing all of us have is our own sense of integrity and self-respect.

 

If you keep going back to a woman who treats you like this, you will just drive your self-esteem further and further down the tubes. You will be saying through your actions, "this is all that I am worth. This is all I deserve."

 

I think what is going to happen is you are going to feel the pain and loss for a while, but eventually, by letting go of this person, you will eventually meet other women who are much healthier. And those women are going to be very drawn to a man who has integrity and strength of character.

 

We build our character gradually through life through our actions. So, by walking away from a woman who is overtly dishonest, you are basically saying that way of life is unacceptable to you. You reject it. That reveals your character.

 

I know you feel like you'll never get there now, but you will. Discipline is an important skill in life. Most things that are worth having take some effort and discipline to get. So every day that you resist the urges to give in to your feelings to get back in touch with her, realize that you are building your inner discipline. And that is a trait that will serve you in all areas of life in the future.

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Thanks TennesseeGirl. I certainly do feel that by going back to her repeatedly, or at the very least blindy jumping back in each time, I have lost some of my self respect, and on some level she has probably lost some respect for me too.

 

I am still at the point right now where if she came back, I would consider giving her another chance, but only if she was somehow able to prove her sincerity. I know that is probably impossible and it all depends on her desire to want to come back anyways. I am not really focusing on it, but thoughts have been flying through my mind constantly.

 

I am doing what I need to do for myself, but unfortunately for the time being she is the only person I can see myself with right now, and I hope to get past that soon.

 

Last night was nice, saw a counselor then spent some time with friends and actually had good night. Had a dream last night that we were together and here I am again this morning wishing she would call.

 

Every day right now starts out the same, me wanting to be with her, then wishing she will call, then when she doesnt, again just trying to fight off the urges to call her. But then as the day goes on and I talk it out with various people, my mood seems to improve as I realize how much more I have going for myself and how much more support I can turn to then she ever can, and I realize Im not so bad off without her. And even so, every day in the end so far seems to have been slightly better than the last, so I am hopeful.

 

Now I am on Day 6 of NC, its very tough, but I know if we had been talking this whole time and getting nowhere I would be stuck exactly where I was 6 days, or even 2 weeks ago when she first dumped me

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