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Honest Opinions Please


downnout

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So I have been struggling lately. After you read my story I doubt any of you will feel bad for me. My ex-gf and I were together for 4 years. During that time I lied to her. Pretty much every single day. I lied about what I was doing ( going to school) when I was not. When my lie was discovered she understandibly wants nothing to do with me in any capacity. Since that time (5 months ago) I have undergone bi-weekly counseling and have made many strides. Now that I see clearly I miss her more than when I was in the midst of all my lies. I haven't bothered her. I don't even know what I would say. Pretty much I'm looking for you guys on this board to reiterate how severe my lying was and how it would end marriages let alone a relationship. Thanks and I appreciate all opinions.

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Downout,

 

We are not here to judge you or make you feel bad, people here are just trying to give you useful advice.

 

The reason why you don't deserve this kind of treatment is because you have recognized that what you did was wrong. We all make mistakes, we are human.

 

It sucks that you lost her because of your previous actions but isntead of beating yourself over it...use it as a learning experience for the next time you are with someone.

 

It seems like you have made a lot of progress getting the help you needed, now the next step is to forgive yourself....you deserve it.

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Iagree with you to an extent. I did her so wrong. She was willing to transfer cities to go with me to my job that I made up that I had upon graduation. More or less for 4 years my life was a total facscade and she got caught in the middle. The hard thing is. The only real part about anything was that I really did love her more than anything. Obviously it got twisted like everything else. I lost a lot. Friends , family and of course her because of my lying. I have accepted pretty much all that. But its still hard. At this point its more wanting to apologize and try to make it up to her in some way. But she is gone-with a capital G.

Downout,

 

We are not here to judge you or make you feel bad, people here are just trying to give you useful advice.

 

The reason why you don't deserve this kind of treatment is because you have recognized that what you did was wrong. We all make mistakes, we are human.

 

It sucks that you lost her because of your previous actions but isntead of beating yourself over it...use it as a learning experience for the next time you are with someone.

 

It seems like you have made a lot of progress getting the help you needed, now the next step is to forgive yourself....you deserve it.

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my ex lied.. and lied a lot- i'm emotionally trying to work through the anger and hurt i experienced from that- not only that but the self doubt it created in me - i didn't ask for this ..

 

however, it would be nice to hear that he recognizes the mistakes he made- it would feel good to hear him say "i was wrong- i lied and you don't and didn't deserve that".

 

i dont' know if you will get a response from her .. and i don't know if she did respond you would get a kind reaction .. however..it would still be nice to let the victim of your lies know ..that it wasn't their fault- you were just that damn good at lying.

 

maybe write her a letter - and expect nothing in return from it.

 

why on earth would you do so much lying?

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Lies can ruin relationships. Your lies are a good example, no offence. They can ruin any form of relationship when they become a foundation of the relationship. They are not a sturdy foundation, once the lie comes out the foundation starts to crack and deteriorate.

 

An example is house. You have your footing, your foundation, then your walls and joists.... Here in Ontario, you have to gave a 20" footing if you have a 10" foundation. Anything smaller then that jepordizes structure. This gets back to the lies. Your footing is yourself, and your lies are the foundation. When your lies get to big for your foundation to hold it then it start to fall apart.

 

Everyone lies. Its a every day practice. But there are lies and there are lies. Sometimes we need to lie, to get something. Sometimes we just lie just for the sake of it. There are people who lie for whatever reason.

 

When one lies on an everyday basis, it becomes reality to them. A good example is people who are mentally retarded. Sometimes they want to play with people, and their intentions are good don't me wrong, but they way they go about it is wrong. Since they are more rough, and they can hurt someone. To them they seem like they are not doing anything wrong, and I dont want it to sound like I am bagging on them because I am not. When you do compare the two, its almost the same. The similarities that they have is that they think they are not doing anything wrong.

 

All being said. Lies are never a good thing for a relationship. Especially when the lies have started from the beginning. The realtionship is formed on lies because everything that one person know about the other is all false.

 

Its sad that you lost one who you loved, but like posted above by lunarstar0131 use this as a learning experience.

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lying is NOT every day practice.. thats ridiculous to even suggest that and very sad that you find it acceptable.

 

How many people are out there lying to their spouses everyday that they have paid the bills, not cheating at them, not gambling, etc.. on av everyday basis. A lot. How many people are out their buying and using items to meet their need and then retuning them saying they are not happy with them or they don't need that product, more importantly saying it wasn't used. A lot. People lie everyday.

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How many people are out there lying to their spouses everyday that they have paid the bills, not cheating at them, not gambling, etc.. on av everyday basis. A lot. How many people are out their buying and using items to meet their need and then retuning them saying they are not happy with them or they don't need that product, more importantly saying it wasn't used. A lot. People lie everyday.

 

yes people, and many - but not all, it's simply far to broad a statement to be true.

 

At this point its more wanting to apologize and try to make it up to her in some way. But she is gone-with a capital G.

 

downnout : what you can do for her is to respect what she wants at this point. If she wants to be gone with NC, then that's how you show her you respect her.

Apologizing wouldn't be for her, it would be for you - to feel less guilty. If the way for her to move on is NC , you have to respect that.

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I have to agree to an extent (not to get sidetracked). Most everyone lies in some capacity or another, most likely on a daily basis. It is probably harmless in most cases and most people don't like to consider it lying. When your boss asks you to do something you may tell him you're swamped with other things, even though you could absolutely accept the task. When your sig.other asks you if you took care of something you may say "yes" then do it the next day. Like I said, in most cases there's no damage done and the motives are harmless.

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Why did I lie that much ? Because I was extremely unhappy with myself. So I fabricated an alternate reality . I know why I did it. I have worked and am working on it. I have taken steps to never do it again. I grieve the loss of many friends some family members and a woman that I loved an incredible amount and never thought I'd be with anyone else. Its terrible. Some days I wake up with crippling regret and remorse and would do anything to see her and talk to her - anything that I used to take for granted. Other days the acceptance is there and I'm ok. Its tough and a bizarre and terrible situation brought on by my own choices and behaviors.

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Why did I lie that much ? Because I was extremely unhappy with myself. So I fabricated an alternate reality . I know why I did it. I have worked and am working on it. I have taken steps to never do it again. I grieve the loss of many friends some family members and a woman that I loved an incredible amount and never thought I'd be with anyone else. Its terrible. Some days I wake up with crippling regret and remorse and would do anything to see her and talk to her - anything that I used to take for granted. Other days the acceptance is there and I'm ok. Its tough and a bizarre and terrible situation brought on by my own choices and behaviors.

 

for what it is worth- something or someone came along and took your self esteem away and the only way you knew how to cope was to lie about yourself - its like the person who drinks to cover up their feelings and insecurities.

 

it is commendable that you can admit what you have done.. and take responsibility.

 

you should feel GOOD about yourself- a lot of people never admit where they fall short and blame and blame- i dont see you doing that.

 

do not let this be something that knocks your self esteem down (again)- you didn't know better then..but you do now.

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Why did I lie that much ? Because I was extremely unhappy with myself. So I fabricated an alternate reality . I know why I did it. I have worked and am working on it. I have taken steps to never do it again. I grieve the loss of many friends some family members and a woman that I loved an incredible amount and never thought I'd be with anyone else. Its terrible. Some days I wake up with crippling regret and remorse and would do anything to see her and talk to her - anything that I used to take for granted. Other days the acceptance is there and I'm ok. Its tough and a bizarre and terrible situation brought on by my own choices and behaviors.

 

I have just ended a relationship with a man who would not stop lying to me. He lied and cheated about his ex-girlfriend for 9 months, then seemed to stop the lies (which were sometimes unbelievably ridiculous), but just recently I caught him lying again. I have had to walk away, despite the fact that I know on SOME level he loved me, just not enough to sort himself out... and I definitely loved him, still do...I just love ME more now...

 

The fact that you have posted on here, admitting your lies in the way you have, is to be totally commended. You have also, without maybe knowing, helped me to understand a little...and to help me realise that by leaving him I have done him a favour because maybe he will get help like you have and not do it to anyone else...maybe not, who knows, but I hope like you he finds the inner strength.

 

I hope you continue to grow and find strength and are able to forgive yourself and move on and find someone else to love and who loves you back and who you don't need to lie to, because you do deserve it...

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