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Am I following my brain too much?


Thornbirds18

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So my ex-bf left me for another woman about five months ago. It was heart wrenching when somebody you trusted completely betrayed you. Never thought I would fall in love again but managed to move on well and started dating this guy A I got to know from link removed on Sunday. He came on very strong and wanted to see me every day after the first date. Of course I couldn't but I saw him two days from the first date. He kissed me on the second date. I like him very much because he resembles so much with my ex, but my ex was REAL while this A seems very fake and too anxious. So I decided to take it slow and said I wanted to think about it when he asked to spend the whole weekend with me. Then he didn't call me or return my greeting text today. I take it slow so I don't call him unless he calls me first. I don't trust him, no matter how much I like him or want to spend time with him.

 

At the same time I blew off another guy friend B who knows me for five months and liked me very much, because he isn't as educated as I am and he doesn't have a good job. He didn't tell me his feelings but he tried to kiss me when we were together. I was very confused so I rejected him and now I decided not to see him for a while. We were very comfortable spending time together and had so much fun.

 

Guy friend C keeps chasing me (vividly) since we knew each other six months ago. But he's too short and I don't want to have short kids lol (because I'm short). However, he never told me his feelings though and he never invited me for a date, maybe because I'm not that interested in him? But he is very educated, young (5 years younger than me), and most importantly trustworthy.

 

Am I too snobish to blow off all of them? I'm attracted to guy A the most but he seems only wanting one thing (sex) that I won't give or he's too desperate. I liked B a lot until he insisted kissing me even when I didn't feel comfortable with it. I'm not attracted to guy C but feel like he's a good friend. We got along OK but more like friends or brother/sister. But if he was taller I might have fallen in love with him???

 

Am I following my brain too much using these criteria for each of them? Is it a good thing? Does that mean I won't be in love with any of them? How can I trust again???

Thanks for reading my disorganized story. I'm just very confused and I don't want to lose friendship from B and C. If A doesn't contact me any more simply because I want to take it slow I really don't care.

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I couldn't help but laugh at your title.....If your not following your brain with any decision, then your in trouble....lol....

 

The problem with the whole concept of "love" is that it is as much of a fairy tale as santa clause, we believe in it when we're younger, and eventually we grow up and realize it isn't what we once knew it to be. So don't follow your heart, use your brain, go with what is natural to you.

 

You said before that one of the guys wasn't as educated as you and had a crappier job, well, if thats what your worth, someone with a higher education, or better job, then go for it. Personally, i'm not too picky, it's not like i've got a P.H.D although I do concider myself intelligent, I don't want a dumb girl, i'm also no model, but I do stay in good shape, so no fat chicks for me...lol...the point is, only you know what your worth, and only you know what you want, it isn't snobish to know what you want from someone, and lets face it, most people don't know what they want from anything, so think of it as a good thing.

 

I just wouldn't promote the idea that you want somebody taller, highly educated and with a better job, because most guys would immediately take that the wrong way, they would think they need to fill out an application for you to look over for your approval..lol..doing so could potentially scare off some of the guys who fit the profile of your expectations.

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Complicated-thanks for your response! You're indeed simply complicated lol. I used to follow my heart and feelings without using my brains and it proved to be mistakes. I was very naïve and was used by two men and was hurt deeply by my ex. My ex was a great person and I understand his changes. I just didn't like the way he handled the breakup.

 

In this situation if I simply follow my heart guy A might use me, guy B might be OK but I won't feel fulfilled and compatible because he even doesn't have a college degree and he was doing all kinds of low-end jobs. He's very smart though. Guy C is very nice, smart, has a good future, and trustworthy, and I'll miss out a great person if I follow my heart (is it because women tend to like jerks and nice guys finish the last lol?).

 

So I guess using brain and heart together is the way to go, but it's darn difficult to balance them, isn't it!!

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It sounds like you're already using both your brain and your heart, and none of these guys is engaging either part of you. If you felt anything about any of these guys, I'm sure you wouldn't be able to view them with such analytical detachment. So it seems like the right one for you hasn't come along yet.

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Yokohama-thanks and you're right. I get somewhat anxious about settling down that I felt I can never meet with anybody if I'm so picky. Wondered if people get more rational/wiser when they get older. I'm concerned that I'll become too rational!! I surpressed my feelings for guy B simply because he doesn't fit my criteria of being a successful man! Maybe I have to be really patient.

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Not to say you should change your feelings about Guy B or anything - seems as if you've made your decision, and you should stick to it as long as your feelings about Guy B stay the same. Still, for your future reference, lots of guys in "low-end" jobs can lead very happy and fulfilling lives. They don't make as much money, sure, but enjoying your job is more important than having a ton of money. And in any case, a smart and ambitious guy working as a "low-end" mechanic could one day open his own garage, etc. In my book, that's successful. He still wouldn't have the prestige of a doctor or others of those "high-end" jobs, but he could still be very successful.

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Not to say you should change your feelings about Guy B or anything - seems as if you've made your decision, and you should stick to it as long as your feelings about Guy B stay the same. Still, for your future reference, lots of guys in "low-end" jobs can lead very happy and fulfilling lives. They don't make as much money, sure, but enjoying your job is more important than having a ton of money. And in any case, a smart and ambitious guy working as a "low-end" mechanic could one day open his own garage, etc. In my book, that's successful. He still wouldn't have the prestige of a doctor or others of those "high-end" jobs, but he could still be very successful.

 

 

Very well said.....

 

At the present, i'm one of those low end guys...lol...I'm a personal trainer/tradesman and I went out with this girl who seemed very interested in me, until I told her that business wasn't so good in both departments of what I do, after that she was all sour for the rest of the night, I personally didn't care, but I do know that success happens in time, just not as quickly for everyone, I say you give the blue collar guy B a chance, just as a friendly thing at first. Maybe he's cookin up something big for his future, or maybe he needs a push, a purpose, and only the right woman can motivate him...(i.e...you)..lol...

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Maybe you can try the exercise where you write out everything you want in a potential partner.

 

After you have your list, then go through it a second time and circle the top 5 must haves in a partner.

 

This might help you focus in on the core things you must have in a partner in order to respect him. You can't have everything you want, so pick the top 5 things you cannot live without.

 

Then, only date men who meet your must have list.

 

Give each man at least 3 dates, unless there is a major deal breaker presented.

 

If your goal is an LTR/marriage- pay attention to what really matters - observe their character (honest, dependable, etc), observe if they seem interested in pursuing a LTR/marriage, pay attention to how they treat you, etc.

 

Good luck!

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Not to say you should change your feelings about Guy B or anything - seems as if you've made your decision, and you should stick to it as long as your feelings about Guy B stay the same. Still, for your future reference, lots of guys in "low-end" jobs can lead very happy and fulfilling lives. They don't make as much money, sure, but enjoying your job is more important than having a ton of money. And in any case, a smart and ambitious guy working as a "low-end" mechanic could one day open his own garage, etc. In my book, that's successful. He still wouldn't have the prestige of a doctor or others of those "high-end" jobs, but he could still be very successful.

 

I agree with this. It's nothing wrong to do these jobs but it gets difficult to communicate with him, given that he can hardly write in English and he's not interested in intellectual improvement. Guy B doesn't have any special skills and I know that he wants to have his own business someday. But I just don't see that quality from him while he switches from job to job (all low-end low skill ones).

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By the way, a quick update: I started going out with guy A, which means that I'm following my heart more than my brain. I like him very much and after I told him I wanted to take it slow he agreed. We enjoyed our time together very much and I can feel the attraction from the levels of physical, emotional, and intellectual. Not sure about the future but will take one step at a time. He wants to find somebody to have a family with, so maybe he doesn't just want to use women.

 

Guy B and I agreed not to see each other for a while because both of us are confused.

 

So far issues are resolved but not sure if new ones will arise later.

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Maybe you can try the exercise where you write out everything you want in a potential partner.

 

After you have your list, then go through it a second time and circle the top 5 must haves in a partner.

 

This might help you focus in on the core things you must have in a partner in order to respect him. You can't have everything you want, so pick the top 5 things you cannot live without.

 

Then, only date men who meet your must have list.

 

Give each man at least 3 dates, unless there is a major deal breaker presented.

 

If your goal is an LTR/marriage- pay attention to what really matters - observe their character (honest, dependable, etc), observe if they seem interested in pursuing a LTR/marriage, pay attention to how they treat you, etc.

 

Good luck!

 

Tennessee Girl, thanks so much for the suggestions! I'll try to remember these tips while I start my new dating journey.

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