Jump to content

Ex is now engaged to someone else. Please help!


JJames74
Can Second Chance Relationship Work...
Can Second Chance Relationship Work - 8 Reasons

Recommended Posts

Hi All,

 

So much good advice has been said around here. Please read my story and offer any ideas.

 

I meet my ex Sarah 2.5 years ago, and we lived together for 1.5 years. (I moved in with her and her two sons.) She was recently divorce and we spoke about marriage early on. We looked at rings, my I never proposed. I felt we were taking our time, and eventually it would happen. We never fought about anything except that I felt her boys did not like me, and were very disrespectful to myself and my two daughters, who visit me christmas, summer, etc. but live far away. Finally it was too much and I feel I had to move out to escape the negative energy of living with her disrespectful sons. I tried to speak to her many times about it, because I feel they were very disrespectful to her as well.

 

I told her that I needed to leave, and that I loved her, but had trouble with the relationship I had with her sons. (Avoiding me, trying to prove me wrong, etc.) I found a place quickly and moved out. Soon my daughter were here for the summer, and although I was now living apart from here. We spent alot of time together, while her boys visited their dad in Washington for the summer. We did day trips, dinners, went to movies, and were enjoying her company. We did not speak of getting back together.

 

My daughters left and I spent less time with her, but we would still keep in contact. Chit-chat on the phone, I would come by and remove things from around the house that she had found. We were still friends.

 

About a month ago I started to feel deeply for her more and more. I would miss her and call and she would still respond. Over the course of two weeks, she responded alot less, and I learned she met a "friend". Someone she had actually known as her oldest sons piano teacher, a man 13 years older than her. (We are in our mid-30's, and he is 52, with a grey long beard and hair) I was crushed, and after a restless night, I called her the next morning I told her I missed her, and loved her. She was their for me again, and told me everything is going to be o.k., we are both fine. Everything will work out the way it should. I cried and felt like this phone call might be the end. She told me that she was needing some space, but would like to see me for lunch tomorrow. I was very happy, and agreed.

 

We met for lunch, and I preordered her favorite drink. I was so happy to see her, and see was really sweet to me.I told her that I felt as the adult responsible for her sons and my relationship, and wanted to work on it harder. For the first time every, she told me that they held some responsibility too. As I walked her to her car, I held her, and told her that I miss her. During the lunch she said that she was going away for the weekend with this new man, and would call me when she got back. I thought I was not going to hear from her again until Monday, but wanted to give her space not to push her away. She called me that night before she left and thanked me for lunch, we shared a laugh on the phone, and I hung up. I braced myself for the hardest weekend of my life. In the morning I texted her "Be safe. I love you." Her response, "Thank you very much. I hope you have a wonderful weekend! - XO" She was gone for the weekend, and I cryed the whole time. Let her go, give her space, this is a rebound-relationship.

 

Monday came and went. She removed the only photo of us from her Facebook page. No call. Tuesday, nothing. "Give her space", I told myself. Wednesday I check on her Facebook page, and she is listed at engaged!!! I felt like hell before, but I am now in the biggest hole of my life. This is how I find out! I put the pieces together and come up with them only "dating" for 3 weeks!!! A couple of dates, one day trip with his kids (3) and her boys, and this past weekend out of town alone.

 

Like I said, I found out about this on Facebook and get the impression everyone else did, too! None of her family has met him. All comments were nice, but surprised!! This is today. (Wednesday) Still nothing all day.

 

An hour ago, I decided I had to start to heal, and go No Contact. She is engaged now, so nothing I say will matter. I love her so much, and want to try and regain her love. I miss her so much.

 

She must know, I know by now. News is speading fast on Facebook. I check it all day, and see the surprised congratulations come in, on his and hers pages. Go home sick.

 

I spend some time at home pulling myself together, and go for a walk. As I am walking home, I see her drive by my house, but she does not see me. Minutes later she calls me on her cell phone, and I don't answer. I am destroyed. I can't talk to her now.

 

Please offer any input. She has only dated this man for 3 weeks, they are engaged, I get the impression the date is soon. Comments on her page are cheerful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yup- she is making a huge mistake, but it is her mistake to make. She is rushing into this relationship since there is no way to make a lifelong decision based on 3-weeks.

 

It's not about you and her, but rather what is best for her kids and future of her family. You guys could not make it work b/c of the kids- it's done. Turn the page and move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ignoring her at this point is a very wise and strong thing to do. She did not make any actual ongoing commitment to you HOWEVER she certainly withheld the seriousness of her new relationship..Block the facebook you dont need to torture yourself any further now do you??.. you are already hurting so much. Start re evaluating YOUR life....start creating a new life for yourself...make new goals... new dreams..this new relationship may turn into a puff of smoke. after three mere weeks I would expect it to be nothing short of lust...ensure that she lives it without any input or CONTACT from you..While initially she will feel guilt over you, this will soon turn to anger towards you over your silence and unavailability..it will then either turn to nostalgia or indifference dependant upon the success/failure of her new relationship.. it will also force her to think about what she is missing and frankly what she has taken on board, trust me when I say she will be comparing you both,...This women is not in love with this new man ..surely not..maybe she thinks she is..time will tell how this all plays out..in the meantime ensure that you ARE not an available option...this will work far better for you long term then against you should there be a chance for you both down the track...I am still concerned though that at NO time did she reciprocate your loving wishes, or WANTS to be re united.. or engage in personally making you think that you both had any future together this time around..I have to wonder were you reading far more into simple friendly comments she made because of your dire need for her to feel the same way about you??? A fantasised want...I am a bit curious about this...Did you make this(the new guy) a really difficult for her to tell you through projecting extreme neediness and using unspoken pressure to have her back in your life.....???food for thought...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well.. I guess her sons are a priority and she understands that its just not going to work long term with you (given your relationship with them) and feels it will work with the piano teacher.. (we don't really know how long they have been together right? They could have started 'dating' since you two ended and you moved out..)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As a single mom, the quikest way to be put on the "not marriage material" list is to have your kids not like the guy and for him to denigrate them and their actions. DON'T DO THAT! Her fiance is their piano teacher. He knows these kids, they probably like him, and life will be much smoother and easier for them all if she marries him, not you. I have dropped a couple guys in the past who complained about my son and could not bond with him. Why even go there? My bf of ten years gets along famously with my son and they have a good relationship. Never, I repeat, never, put down a woman's kids to her. For all intents and purposes, you ended it right there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for all of your input.

 

I look at her page again (I KNOW, i will stop!) and her friend want to have coffee tomorrow and get the story. They are shocked!

 

"Okay! However, I have to leave for a while around noon, as Tim's daughter (Julie) and I are going to go and taste a cake together. ♥"

 

and thanking everyone for the congratulations:

 

"Thank you so much! Indeed, our hearts are very full right now. -xxoo"

 

Some of the posts hint to a date already set, and it will be soon. After 3 weeks of dating!!!

 

She did not delete me from Facebook, as she wants to be friends still. NC from me and I bet she will hit delete.

 

I feel that she cannot be in love with him, and is making a mistake. She knows I want her back, and would like to work with her and her kids and my relationship, but I feel she knows this is impossible. I love her so very much, but could not get anywhere with her on her children's disrespectful behavior toward most all adults in their life including their mom. I stood by her silently enduring stuff I felt was wrong, and she refused to see it.

 

I care about deeply, and know I need to move on, and want to do no contact so she might feel like contacting me and miss me. I feel the only reason she called tonight, was that the news got back to me, before she was ready to tell me in her own time, and she knows I am in deep pain right now, she wants to do the right thing and tell me in person and have closure.

 

I love her so much I want her to be happy with or without me, and not feel guilty or angry with me.

 

What I should probably do is take some time to regain strength, and break NC to tell her, I love her and wish her the greatest happiness in marriage. She feels guilty about the way I found out, and that is not how I want her to feel about me.

 

I feel like I missed the greatest woman I have ever known or will know, and would love to be engaged to her. I feel it would be impossible to be her friend, and I will miss her.

 

Do you think I should call?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you think I should call?

 

No! I think she sounds happy. Of course people are surprised. People are always surprised at engagements. It's part of the excitement people feel they are supposed to express when someone gets engaged.

 

Let it go - she sounds happy. Let her be happy. It sounds like she's a lovely lady who deserves happiness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You obviously know her better than I do, but just based on the facts you've presented, I think her choice to marry this guy and advertise it on FB is extremely strange and worrying. They're already going to taste wedding cakes? There's something seriously wrong here. I would definitely not contact her if I were you. She's shown you zero respect. She's doing some pretty erratic stuff. The best thing for you to do is stay far far away.

 

BTW, I'm a single parent, too, and just broke up with a single parent, and I don't think you should feel too guilty about speaking up about her kids. If you did it tactfully, there's nothing wrong with it. Part of the deal in those relationships is blending the families and that takes open communication. Don't feel like you blew it by doing that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She cannot possibly love this man yet, in the future maybe yes. I feel that she is in love with being married.

 

I want to call her and try to get her back so much, but she is on top of the world right now, and I am feeling pretty low.

 

I want her to fully think about this, because I care for her so much, but I don't want her to hate me because I will not contact her. Won't she think I hate her, or don't care. Or will she think that she hurt me real bad? Did I reward her with lunch and my heart, when she pulled away a week ago?

 

So confused.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Getting married so soon is romantic, but also impulsive, hasty and just kinda dumb in my opinion. The idea is romantic but the reality is that you are marrying a stranger. They are in infatuation, not love. It will be just dumb luck if this works out because 3 weeks is a ridiculously short time to commit for a lifetime. I do not see this lasting.

 

As far as your feelings about this, I'm so sorry you feel horrible. It is a terrible turn of events for you and she really wasn't respectful towards you because she didn't tell you herself. That's cowardly.

 

Unfortunately she is in a fantasy world right now and completely delusional about the wedding, etc. I am pretty sure you will not get the response from her that you want so much. It might be better for her to feel guilty about what she did to you for awhile rather than you calling her up and letting her off the hook so easily. Have some patience, try to heal yourself, worry about yourself more than you are worrying about how you appear to her. She's not so worried about how she appears to you. Think of that when the urge to call and profess your love hits you. I am very sorry that this happened to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks LillyLooWho and Everyone.

 

I really care about this women regardless if she is with me or not. I do not want to influence her decisions any further, because I think she is making a big mistake is rushing into this.

 

I would love some contact from her, but she will receive no contact from me. I feel she will be thankful she is not hearing from me to complicate this. I hope someone talks some sense into her, at least to wait a bit.

 

I do not think she has even given herself time to full mourn our relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

JJ,

 

I'm sorry for what has happened to you! Hugs man!

 

I really can't say much that will make things better for you. However, I know exactly how you are feeling my friend. I know the importance of communication and you did just that with your ex (about her sons). I think you made the right move here. Some might disagree but that's how I feel about your situation. Don't feel guilty about that. You told her your problems and you made her aware of it. I'm sure you were respectful about the situation. She should've worked that out with you and her sons if she really loved you and wanted to make things work for the future.

 

I don't think your ex went away on a weekend with this guy and fell hardcore in love with this man to get engaged so quickly. She clearly LIED to your face! I'm sorry, but that is the truth. In some ways she had you on the side just in case things didn't work out with the piano teacher. Yes, she has been doing this behind your back all along. This makes me sick I tell you. How can someone do this? I don't think she has her head on right. She hsa zero respect for you or your feelings!

 

We all know the depth of love you have for her, but you seriously have to shut her off from your life right now. Stop looking at her FB. Block her it will be the best thing for you. I think you have seen enough drama on her wall to do this. It's time to take control of your life again. Do not be there for her when she tries to contact you. Wow, I can't believe some of the comments your posted from her wall. Just unbelievable! Don't let her engagement get the best of you. Let her face reality and if she is making a mistake let her deal with the consequences when the time is right.

 

This happened to me but in a different scenario. ~6-7months after our break up she had moved to a new state and left me devastated (this is what she told me). She called me from there and I thought for a min she might be having a change of mind and might actually want to reconcile. I brought my walls down like a fool and she started to ignore my text messages again (missing her, blah, blah). That is when I said enough was enough I was going through hell still at that point. I did the unthinkable and went STRICT NC. She tried to make contact numerous times but I stayed strong (it hurt me to ignore her, but it had to be done)! She stopped calling. 1 month later my Mother told me she was engaged (she found out through someone that her Fb status said, engaged)! She lied to me and I don't even know when all this started. For me that was enough to start moving on. Oh, I tell you it wasn't easy at all. It took me over a year to start enjoying my life again. Starting over in other words. Not easy my friend.

 

We deserve better than this this. I am in a better place now due to many improvements I have made. I for some strange reason still love her, and miss her sometimes, but I no longer dwell over her. She is the past and that is where she will stay. I want someone that will not leave me when times get tough.

 

I know you are not doing well, but you will come out victorious. Cherish what God has given you! Let her go.

 

I wish you the best...God bless!

 

gee

 

Sorry, if I went overboard.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Gee. This relationship was probably going on for a lot longer than 3 weeks. She just wasn't honest with you about it. I had the same kind of crappy stunt pulled on me where he suddenly stopped contact with me and the next thing I know I am reading about his engagement in a newsletter. It is really a slimy thing to do to someone. My ex married not for love, but for image in his community. I think your ex is marrying for security not for love. If she really loved this guy she wouldn't have been toying with your emotions like that..she would have been honest with you. Remember that she jumped straight from divorce to a relationship with you and there was early talk of marriage. This woman just wants to get married, not for love, but just to be married again and have the financial and emotional security.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you for all of your support, everyone. Here is an update.

 

I miss her terribly, I think she is the one I was supposed to marry....

 

She got engaged to another man on Sept. 21, after less than one month of dating, and they are getting married this Saturday, Oct. 10th.

 

I am still friends with her on facebook, and just have to sit back and watch it happen.

 

Her recent posts:

 

"... is blessed and has never felt more sure about anything in her whole life. -xoxo"

 

"Teaching, parent meetings, college, music, cupcakes, flowers, food, rental chairs, and dresses; planning a wedding! Sunny days ahead; really! : )"

 

 

Anybodys thoughts on this?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for all of your support, everyone. Here is an update.

 

I miss her terribly, I think she is the one I was supposed to marry....

 

She got engaged to another man on Sept. 21, after less than one month of dating, and they are getting married this Saturday, Oct. 10th.

 

I am still friends with her on facebook, and just have to sit back and watch it happen.

 

Her recent posts:

 

"... is blessed and has never felt more sure about anything in her whole life. -xoxo"

 

"Teaching, parent meetings, college, music, cupcakes, flowers, food, rental chairs, and dresses; planning a wedding! Sunny days ahead; really! : )"

 

 

Anybodys thoughts on this?

 

I don't want to give you false hope or anything but from what it sounds, she might be trying to convince herself that this is the right thing to do. I know that when my ex dumped me all of my status updates were about where I was going, what I was doing, and how life was so exciting... even though I felt like crap. I knew he could see it and I guess part of me was hoping that he would see that I'm not falling apart and that I could do fine without him.

 

I think it's time to defriend/block her. I know it's hard and I avoided doing it for 4 months, but I finally did it last week. Truth is, she hasn't been a friend to you for withholding information like that and you don't need to torture yourself any longer. Just think, this time next week there will be wedding photos posted. Do you really want to see those? Show her you deserve more respect than that and block her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...