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BigCheezy

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I am currently in a Marriage and Family class in college. The teacher said that living together before marriage and then living together after marriage changes dramatically. Like, he said, once you are married, it's completely different.

 

What would some of these differences be? Even small changes you notice might be interesting to mention. I am confused about this.

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I've read that the divorce rate is higher for couples that live together before marriage.

 

i've heard it depends on the reason that they move in together. if they do so for reasons other than love and committment (ie, save money, it's more convient), then yes, the divorce rate is higher. if they later do go on to get married, i've heard that yes, the divorce rate is higher.

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I agree with this.

 

I believe that it changes because once your married, you become like one. One unit. After your married, it becomes more like "we" opposed to "me". When your living together each party still does, whatever he or she wants on a level of freedom. While after each party does whatever they want but not at the same level.

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Only thing I could think of is that you get more comfortable and lazier when you're used to each other's company at home. I don't think that's a viable excuse, but it's probably a common reason.

 

What on earth does marriage change in a relationship? (Other than the piece of paper, legal changes etc.)

Absolutely nothing. However some people put so much emphasis on it that it forces people to change their ways when things were perfect before.

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Well, for me..I could see how things change.

 

For us, we're still pretty independent in some ways, such as financially.

We share living expenses related to the roof over our head, but aside from that it's independent and we pay our own way, and our way debts, bills, etc.

 

I could see when you get married, it all gets tossed together..and then his debt becomes my debt.

 

I can't really explain how it would be when it changes when we do get married, but I have a general sense of how the bond would change, and the feeling of unity would become greater.

For some, its a piece of paper, for others it isn't.

It's different for everyone.

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I personally believe that the main difference between living together before and after marriage is in the "permanence" of it, whether perceived or real.

 

Say I'm living with my girlfriend - if I feel that things go sour for whatever reason, ALL I have to do to get out of the situation is say "Peace, I'm out!" I can pack my things, move out, and continue with my life.

 

Say I'm living with my wife - in this case, the only way to get out of the situation and continue my life is through a divorce, which obviously can be extremely expensive and definitely time-consuming.

 

Additionally, as others mentioned, it's the idea of Me vs. We. Once you're married nothing is 'yours' anymore, everything is 'ours.' This changes the dynamic just a little (to say the least).

 

I believe that there is a monumental difference between living together before and after marriage.

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No offense but I think this is a pretty naive look on the dynamic between men & women living together who are not married. Once couples start to live together (in a healthy relationship), whether married or not, there is almost always a shared mentality that anything done is done for the two and not one. You're living together after all, and it's a gigantic difference from living separately and dating, no matter if you're married or not. And if things go sour, trust me, there's no saying "peace" and you're out. Things are WAY more complicated than that.

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No offense but I think this is a pretty naive look on the dynamic between men & women living together who are not married. Once couples start to live together (in a healthy relationship), whether married or not, there is almost always a shared mentality that anything done is done for the two and not one. You're living together after all, and it's a gigantic difference from living separately and dating, no matter if you're married or not. And if things go sour, trust me, there's no saying "peace" and you're out. Things are WAY more complicated than that.

 

I agree with you 100% - there is most certainly a gigantic difference between living together and living seperately while dating. My post was not meant to touch on that comparison because it was not the OP's question. I merely related living together unmarried, and living together married.

 

I agree that I made my point in a very bare-bones style and things are much more complicated, as they are in any situation on which advice is given on these forums. My point is that, whether or not you would ever choose or even consider it, when you are 'just' dating, both parties have no legal issues or anything like that keeping them from packing up and leaving at the drop of a hat, while in marriage certain roadblocks exist if you will.

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I am currently in a Marriage and Family class in college. The teacher said that living together before marriage and then living together after marriage changes dramatically. Like, he said, once you are married, it's completely different.

 

What would some of these differences be? Even small changes you notice might be interesting to mention. I am confused about this.

 

 

My ex and i had been together for 2 years.. then decided that we should move in together.. after living together for 2 months, we broke up. Simply because i found out how lazy he was, discusting his living habits were etc.

 

Then 6 months later i met my current boyfriend Chrys. I was living in a house with a few roomates. And Chrys had gotten kicked out of his house. I offered to let him stay at my house for a few weeks until he could find a place to live.. well....... 2 years later we are still living together and i wouldnt change a thing.

 

Ive realized that you learn alot more about a person by living with them than you would if you dont. You learn little flaws about someone. I will never marry someone until i get the chance to live with them first. I love living with my boyfriend, we are both very organized, clean, neat people and we get along great.

 

We are planning on getting married after we buy a house ( we are currently living with my parents, which is going good, my parents love him ). I dont think marriage will change anything since we have lived with each other pretty much since we started dating.

 

It really just depends on how strong your relationship is and how much time you currently spend with that person. If your not used to spending ALOT of time with that person, and you get married, you need to know that you will be LIVING will that person and see them ALL the time. So alot can change. Again, just depends on the couple, personality's, relationship and how big the transition from boyfriend/girlfriend to marriage will be.

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  • 5 months later...

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months and live with each other. We occassionally have a small misunderstanding here and there but thats because we're still learning about one another as we're living together. These small misunderstandings are nothing extreme just over small petty things. I'm not sure how this is a good or bad thing, cause if we were married we see it as being the same way just have a ring and a piece of paper now. I don't see how living together now or if we were married is any different. We are engaged and want to get married in the future!!! I'm not sure I understand this concept!!!

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No offense but I think this is a pretty naive look on the dynamic between men & women living together who are not married. Once couples start to live together (in a healthy relationship), whether married or not, there is almost always a shared mentality that anything done is done for the two and not one. You're living together after all, and it's a gigantic difference from living separately and dating, no matter if you're married or not. And if things go sour, trust me, there's no saying "peace" and you're out. Things are WAY more complicated than that.

 

That's true Moon dog. We always work out whatever the problem maybe when it arrises but other then that my Fiance and I get along quite well and have a great relationship. I don't think this thing before marriage would ruin us down the line. We split the bills right now and he still treats me out to dinner when we can afford it as if we were dating like before...so I think it all depends on how STRONG a relationship is. If its strong whether married or not, you should be fine!! Right??

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Agreed, 500% !!! As you live together you def learn a lot more about each other!!! Some of my fiance's habits I ain't totally pleased with but its something I can tolerate and it wouldn't be a relationship breaker for me. I am sure he feels the same way about me and some of my habits. We all have things we do that someone else may think is odd or something but if we truly love each other it won't be a problem and its not.

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My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 3 years now, and we reached the "we" stage this year. Buying a car together sealed the deal, not to mention joining our finances last summer. Everything's worked out very well and I think that marriage will only make us stronger. The only thing really missing now are the rings and a ceremony to make us a legal family. The early months/years of living together however, were much different from how I imagine marriage will be.

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It really depends on the people as individuals and how right they are for each other. My Husband and I have been together ten years (26 and 28 ), living together for six years and married for eighteen months and nothing has ever felt different for us, we are so right together! awwww I hear you say

 

Living together has been amazing, there was no adjusting, we've never had any problems, then after getting married we are still the same, were best friends and agree on almost everything, I mustnt forget to mention though that he is very laid back and a great comprimiser I know we are very lucky! as it is not that easy for most couples.

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  • 1 month later...
I've definitely never been married and don't plan to get married, therefore I can't speak from experience, but now I am interested...

What on earth does marriage change in a relationship? (Other than the piece of paper, legal changes etc.)

 

Absolutely nothing. However some people put so much emphasis on it that it forces people to change their ways when things were perfect before.

 

I used to believe that. In fact, my belief in it was so strong that my husband, who used to not ever want to get married to me, proposed after just a few months. And it's weird, because things did change. I wanted to try harder to make him happy. I don't work, and before we got married, I was so busy planning the wedding and trying to cope with all that stress, that housework slid out of my priorities list. Before that, we had several roommates and I got tired of cleaning up after everyone else. But every since we got married, I have busted my bum trying to make sure everything is perfect for him when he gets home. He's never asked for it, he's never expressed disappointment if I don't get a lot done, and oh boy does he appreciate it.

 

So yeah, things changed. For us. But it was a good change.

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