codroft Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Ok well here it goes....I have been gogin out with my partner coming up to six years. But over the past 8 months she has been stressed and somewhat distant due to work issues. And as a result of her being so stressed our sex life has dropped off, and I was basically having sex with her, not us making love if you know what i mean. She has never orgasmed in her life (by herslf, or with anyone else). Since she was into it anymore and was unsure of her feelings she wouldnt allow us to get very intimate (she would hand job me thats it). About 3 months ago we had an argument where we both said some really hurtful things to each other (we had been nigleing each other for a while). She moved out. I went through the whole, sooky, begging thing and we have being seeing a couciller, and have been trying to work through issues, but she doesnt seem to want to fix or take responsibility for the relationship etc.......hence extremyl frustrating for me!!!! About a month ago I deceided that maybe if we could get away from work then this would solve a few issues so we went away to a lovely destination for a week or so......now i probably had it wrongly in my head that getting her away from work and the stress she would relax and our sexlife would return, or at tleast the urge on her part....I tried twice and when she refused I got very upset and was extremely angry and wanted to end things. However might I add, other than those two incidents we both enjoyed each others company and had a fantastic time. She says she doesnt feel the urge for sex, and has never ever had an orgasm and because she is not enjoying it or have an urge for it, she doesnt want to get help about the issue.....I feel inadequate of course. I have tried everything with her to rtry and get her over the line...you name it. We got back from holidays and back at work. And from then I have been treated as second best, not returning phone calls etc (oopps sorry i forgot to add that we had earmarked with the counciller that she would move back in so we can work on our relationship the first weekend back after holidays). She then came over before out last councilling session and informed me that she wasnt moving back in this weekend, I played it kool and said ok, we can make it the next weekend. That was when she said she wasnt ready. We went to coucillers and we got on the major topic of sex etc, and it was suggested that she needed to go and see a gynacholigist, etc to see if there was something physically wrong. I know that she is really embarassed and shy and doesnt want to see someone, but it is for the benefit of our relatioship for christ sake!!! However she has failed to make an appointment and have barely heard from her until last Saturday when she came around told me that she wanted to end everything. And after talking to her it wasnt because she didnt love me it was " she didnt know what to do" and feels like we have been going in circles for the last 3 months. Obviously I was devastated and thats when I started the begging etc..... However.....I rang the counciller and told him what was going on and he told me to back off and not put any pressure on her, but keep in touch with her superficially. I have tried to invite her over casually for dinner, but am being shunted to the side, as other things are priority......is she playing games??? What do I do? I really want her back, however, admittedly she has responded to me backing off, and me being myself and doing my own thing, but is she just keeping the piece? She also told me during the week that she loves me she just doesnt if it is enough to rekindle our relationship. WHAT DO I DO NOW???.....Should I still the pot and txt her and say sorry I can do dinner tomoz night anymore, I am going out for dinner with someone else? or just leave it? PLEASE HELP Girls please tell me what is she thinking about??? and please what do i do do I give her space and the "no contact" approach? I am really gutted by the whole thing. Please help me!! Link to comment
quirky Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Hi codroft, welcome to eNA I don't know exactly what to advise you as I have never been in your ex's situation. But from what I read I get the strong impression you do need to back off a little. I don't know about complete NC, but some distance will DEFINITELY help. Link to comment
codroft Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 Yeah I am trying Quirky Girl, bloody hard to do....but I know if it is for the best. I am not pressuring her anymore and she has even commented that she is proud of me for not pressuring her anymore....yeah I know a little weird. thank you for your comment Link to comment
Purusha Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Hi there, sorry to hear that you're in this situation and can say that I can empathise to a certain extent with what you're going through as I was in your partner's position (although totally different situation obviously!). It may be that she's shunning you because she feels pressured, and despite how much you can try not to put that pressure on, she's known you for 8 years and will know when you're feeling frustrated and angry even if you're trying your best not to say it or act in a way that would make her feel it. She sounds pretty confused about what she wants - it doesn't sound very much like games, just that she doesn't know what to do or where to go from here. She may need to clear her head and that's why she's avoiding being around you at the moment. It sounds very much like you're coming from two opposite ends of the spectrum, she's trying to back off to get some space and think about what she wants, and you're trying to communicate with her and get close to her to reconcile - you need to consider the angle that this may not happen. In as much that you both need to respect where each other is coming from, trying to get close to her as you have sounds as if it's not going to get you very far. I agree with your counsellor in that you probably need to communicate with her on a more superficial level, ie, close but platonic until you know where you're going. This will take the pressure off her and allow you to communicate without going through the frustration of banging your head against a brick wall. Meanwhile, try and get on with your life and feel as happy and independent as you can - this is after all a place where you can be figuring out what you want and where you want to go from here also. Maybe try and treat it like time out to review where you're going, what you're doing and whether it's all what you want - for your entire life not just your relationship. This may help you to get on a more even keel without encountering too much of a rollercoaster of emotions trying to keep up with her and also find an alternative focal point when things are tough. I hope that this helped a bit, and that things get better for you Link to comment
loulee Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 We went to coucillers and we got on the major topic of sex etc, and it was suggested that she needed to go and see a gynacholigist, etc to see if there was something physically wrong. I know that she is really embarassed and shy and doesnt want to see someone, but it is for the benefit of our relatioship for christ sake!!! However she has failed to make an appointment and have barely heard from her until last Saturday when she came around told me that she wanted to end everything. It sounds like this sexual problem has created many other conflicts in your relationship. it also appears that your girlfriend does what many people who have a deep rooted problem do. once it is exposed in therapy they run from it. It is almost as if she is avoiding this problem all together. Now that it has been properly exposed as a huge negative in your relationship she is avoiding dealing with it at all costs! this includes you sadly....she needs to be handled very gently perhaps..with lots of reassurance and support to see if there is a deep seeded sexual history issue here. Exposing a sensitive t problem like this often makes that person want to outrun it...and not deal with it.. as that is what she has always done..this is what SHE finds easier..not the answer I know..but it is currently her answer perhaps...this is what you need to work on..lessening her fears.. Link to comment
codroft Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 Thank you soooo much loulee and purusha..... I suppose the other issue that i am struggling to deal with is that I want to support her through this stuff with sex etc, but she wont let me.....so i feel inadequate and useless I guess. Can this lack of labido be fixed? is it more likely to be in her head than a physical condition? I forgot to add she is 26 I am 25, so I thought a sex drive should be well and truly there for her? maybe Im wrong though? If anyone else has any comments please your more than welcome!! Link to comment
codroft Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 Ok how do I go about lessening her fears when it comes to all of this, she doesnt want me to support her at all? is there some sort of tact or method I can use? Link to comment
loulee Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Well perhaps you need to emphasise to her that it is weakening your relationship while at the same time reassuring her that you love her very much. perhaps she needs to show you how much she values the relationship so that you can both work on this problem together. I think the first step is for BOTH of you to make a very firm cmmitment to strengthen your relationship and for it to become the best that it can be. If both of you are dedicated to doing just this then most of your conflicts/problems should fall in to this. make all of your problems a 'WE" problem . I dont feel that WE are intimate enough. I dont feel that WE are relating very well sexually how do you feel about this? etc..You have to make it very clear to her that relationships are about supporting each other through any hardships, and that is is quite selfish to shut you out when this problem affects both of you. never use an ultimatum or a threat..while addressing this..and always be optimistic and happy about it NOT solemn and depressed. Focus on the benefits for you both down the track to work through any problems together and let her know you look forward to making you both a stronger couple. IF she continually shuts you out and shows no commitment nor desire to work on this with you then you may have to reconsider your whole relationship...I F she values the realtionship as much as you do then your half way there. good luck Link to comment
codroft Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 Thank you loulee. I have tried explaining those things to her, but she gets pissed at me and says you dont understand....I have been extremly patient in this regard....I mean I am still trying to work on the relationship eventhough we havent had sex in over 4 monthes....its obviously an issue...its OUR issue. But at the moment I think she that confused that she doesnt know if she loves me enough to continue to fight for the relationship.....that I dunno....maybe all is lost I am still hopeful, and I know in my heart that she still loves me.....but it is like she is trying to fight the urge of being with me and trying to fix this relationship together? I am a bit lost at the moment I have tried the limited contact thing....and She has been calling me everyday and asking me silly little questions....i suspect just to talk to me. However, she maybe just doing that to keep the peace until she gets enough courage up to dump me for good!!! I am petrified, of losing her.......I feel sick to the guts when I think of her being with someone else....and I realise that jealously and anger are all part of these emotions that you have to deal with......... I wish I could just click my fingers and she would contribute to getting the relationship back on track or at least work with me to either ammicably end it (me thinking negative, and I dont think I could ever talk to her again or be friends or anything) or get things back on track.....wishful thinking?? maybe but I love her that much i would do anything!!! Anything!!! Link to comment
loulee Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 maybe you need to take baby steps and not over whelm her just tackle one thing at a time. Why dont you bite the bullet go and see her in person and determine the most important thing..IF you both are committed to healing your relationship..thats step one let her know first off that you are very committed and ask her if she is also...you need to be very mature about this and not let your fear of losing her rule you..Fear runs high when things are shaky it also makes us make poor decisions or to behave irrationally.. go see her and sit and talk nothing to heavy get your answer first...this is paramount...be pro active about making things happen dont sit about second guessing what contact from her actually means........ lay it on the line and start from there.. Link to comment
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