Boyfriend doesn't love me.

[ziggie31]

My boyfriend and I have been going through a bit of a rocky phase recently. We still get along great and are such good friends and so close but there are times where we will get stressed or upset with one another.

 

The other night, we got in a small tiff that escalated to the point where I was in tears and he was telling me we should break up. I seriously thought it was over, and I was really upset and scared. After he said it, he said he didn't know why it crossed his mind, that he'd be really unhappy without me and he wanted to work through our problems instead of just give up. I'm still hurt by it, but I love him and I really want us to work.

 

The thing is, he doesn't love me back. He hasn't told me that exactly, but we've beaten around the bush plenty enough that it's very evident. He cares for me, I know he likes me a lot, but I need the whole package, and I'm afraid that we will continue on this kind of plateau and he will never fall in love, which will eventually mean the end of our relationship.

 

I don't want this to happen, but there's nothing I can really do about it, since I can't force him to fall in love with me. Without any guarantee as to whether it'll eventually happen or not, I'm afraid I may hold out for a long time and never receive anything from it. So I'm kind of worried and really not sure what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

[Jd1983]

I'm not sure how long you've been with him, but feelings grow within time. To be honest, nothing in life is guaranteed. He may soon fall in love with you or he may not. The question is, are you willing to sacrifice getting hurt in order to make it work? Every couple fights, it's normal. If you still have a lot of doubts within the relationship, then maybe it's a good idea to take a break and think things through.

[thetruth]

I could not be in a lasting relationship where my partner does not reciprocate my feelings. I don't even see how it could be possible. It would be cruel torture for life, no thanks. even if it was perfect, except she didn't love me back - no go.

 

he may just not be in touch with his emotions yet. or he may just not love you. the thing is, either way you need to state that you cannot continue without him returning your feelings. if he can't do that, it has to be over.

It will hurt, It will suck, But you WILL get over it, and move on to find someone who does love you.

 

and again - he may and not know it! he already said how unhappy he would be - maybe the thought of losing you for good will snap him into realizing his feelings.

as jd says there are no guarantees - its up to you if it is worth the chance that staying with him will yield what you want

[rigguy]

Z, you know some times people need time apart to really appriciate how they feel about their partner. It is difficult to understand your situation with the details you have provided. I am going to agree with Jd, give yourself and him some time to think what is important in your lives. Hope things work out for you! Cheers.

[ziggie31]

I'm not sure how long you've been with him, but feelings grow within time. To be honest, nothing in life is guaranteed. He may soon fall in love with you or he may not. The question is, are you willing to sacrifice getting hurt in order to make it work? Every couple fights, it's normal. If you still have a lot of doubts within the relationship, then maybe it's a good idea to take a break and think things through.

 

I've been with him for 5 months, so yeah the relationship is still young and I'm ok with waiting, but I wish I could have some kind of guarantee that he'd fall in love eventually. Even if it took him a while, as long as it happened, I'd be happy. I have no doubts about our relationship, I adore being with him and can see myself being with him for a long time, but only if he returns my feelings.

 

I could not be in a lasting relationship where my partner does not reciprocate my feelings. I don't even see how it could be possible. It would be cruel torture for life, no thanks. even if it was perfect, except she didn't love me back - no go.

 

he may just not be in touch with his emotions yet. or he may just not love you. the thing is, either way you need to state that you cannot continue without him returning your feelings. if he can't do that, it has to be over.

It will hurt, It will suck, But you WILL get over it, and move on to find someone who does love you.

 

and again - he may and not know it! he already said how unhappy he would be - maybe the thought of losing you for good will snap him into realizing his feelings.

as jd says there are no guarantees - its up to you if it is worth the chance that staying with him will yield what you want

 

When we had the huge fight/talk the other night, I did tell him that I need and deserve love, commitment, etc. He says he wants to give it to me and I trust that he does, but he also can't force himself to fall in love.

 

He's never had a girlfriend before so I do feel that may be hindering his ability or judgment about love. Maybe he does love me and just doesn't know what it feels like so he can't recognize it, or maybe he's too emotionally young and inexperienced to love me back. I don't know, it's really touchy and difficult.

[thetruth]

of course he can't force himself , but i think it is definitely possible he already does.

 

Maybe you are looking at it the wrong way. don't look for the word love, but look to see if he feels the things it means to you.

[ziggie31]

of course he can't force himself , but i think it is definitely possible he already does.

 

Maybe you are looking at it the wrong way. don't look for the word love, but look to see if he feels the things it means to you.

 

You may be right, but a big part of love (to me, at least) is being able to see a future with your partner. I'm not saying he should go ahead and give me a ring, but during our talk he said he couldn't see our relationship lasting a year. Now granted he may not have been talking with a clear head, and he later took that statement back, but it's still worrisome to hear that kind of thing coupled with the concern that he may not love me.

[annie24]

but during our talk he said he couldn't see our relationship lasting a year

 

i would ask him why it is he said this? maybe if you got some clarity on this point, you can better see where he stands.

[ziggie31]

i would ask him why it is he said this? maybe if you got some clarity on this point, you can better see where he stands.

 

He was unhappy with the relationship because we were going through a lot of stress and unpleasantness. That was why he said that, among other things like "he'd forgotten why he enjoyed dating me" and thought we should break up. He took it back after all the drama blew over and said he didn't mean it, and I believe him, but I'm back at square one and don't know how he really feels.

[annie24]

well, yeah, fighting is not fun. but if he says he wants to work things out, then that is a good sign. did you two discuss how you are going to work things out? what behaviors can you do to help the relationship? what about him? maybe trying to pick your battles, not fight over little things?

[ziggie31]

well, yeah, fighting is not fun. but if he says he wants to work things out, then that is a good sign. did you two discuss how you are going to work things out? what behaviors can you do to help the relationship? what about him? maybe trying to pick your battles, not fight over little things?

 

Yeah, I feel that we can work things out with ease, and we're so compatible that once we get out of this rut I can't imagine there's much that could put our relationship at risk. The only thing that could seriously hurt in the long run, and that I'm the most worried about, is if he never goes from "like" to "love", because I can't stay forever with a guy that doesn't feel as strongly for me as I do for him.