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My long "I'm Done With You" email


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I sent this to my ex, after I found out she had been stringing me along and lying to me a LOT since the breakup... and after almost 3 weeks of NC.


It's all very explained in the following email, but for a very short background... she was ALWAYS afraid to tell her parents about me and kept me hidden for 4 years (which I ALWAYS argued against). They found out, forced her to break up with me (she's 20... they threatened her college funding), and then she immediately jumped into a rebound relationship. I didn't know for a fact, but had a hunch that she had a guy already, but she wouldn't tell me even when I asked directly... and she kept telling me things about how she rebuild our relationship, how deeply she loved me, and how I was all she could think about. Finally, she admitted to this other guy but still lied about how long they had been together and how deep the relationship was. I knew it was all lies, and had to seek out the truth from other people. Finally I stumbled onto some communication between her and a friend, where she went on about how great it was to "finally have a legitimate boyfriend" (as if it wasn't her fault all along that I hadn't been one) and all sorts of other fun facts about how she wanted to marry him etc.


So anyways, I sent this... and in hindsight, it definitely is more bitter and finger-pointing than maybe I should have been. Everyone I know keeps telling me "It's about time" and that everything I said was definitely beyond necessary. I guess I did put up with a lot over the past 4 years.... she even was afraid to be seen in public with me at times, for fear someone who knew her parents would see us. I was basically the most giving and caring boyfriend anyone could ever ask for, and always backed down from my own stances when I knew it was hurting her somehow... I was basically a push-over. So, this is all warranted, but I kind of want to smooth things over a bit now... because I do love her SO very much, and I just don't want her to hurt... but I still need her to know that I am not her safety net, that I am not her backup, and that if she wants me ever at all, she will have to be up front with me and EVERYONE about it.


She's a conflict avoider, and she basically did to me (by the lying) exactly what she did to her parents... but how do I smooth things just a bit after this email without seeming too forgiving and wishy-washy?!



----------- start email -----------


What I've needed to say for some time now...



Last night, I was reading the chat we had a week after you dumped me. That was the last time you were "Katie" to me. That was the last time I remember you acting the way I've always known you to act.... friendly. After reading it, the stark comparison is very obvious and very different to how you've acted towards and treated me ever since then.


I had asked you to be my friend, to not cut me out of your life, and to still talk to me as a best friend. Shortly thereafter, you begun to treat me like a minor acquaintance... as someone who was less important to you than even [the creepy guy who always hit on her in high school], all while going on about how I was your best friend, your rock, the ONLY person you could confide in, how you loved me so very much and was all you could think about...


But it was at that time, back in June that you had started a new relationship with someone else... and never bothered to tell me, your "best friend", about your new boyfriend.


Even when I had a hunch and set it up for you to tell me, you didn't. Even when I asked what was so different about you, why you had suddenly become so distant and cold to me, you didn't tell me. Even when you KNEW how much it was hurting me, wondering just what had happened to you, you didn't tell me. Even when I finally just straight out asked how long you'd been seeing him... you didn't tell me.


You lied to me, Katie. You lied to me over and over again, telling me that you'd only been seeing him "in the past few weeks" (as of August 23rd) and that "it isn't anything" "not anything remotely serious" "It's not like I am even in a relationship" That you "don't even like the guy that much." That you "would have preferred to to never be friends with that guy" than lose my friendship.


But when it came down to losing my friendship, you simply let it go. You lied to me again and again, but in the end, you would rather lose my friendship than ever tell me the truth. Truth be told, you gave up on me, our relationship, and our friendship MONTHS ago... and never had the guts or even the urgency or real desire to tell me. If you actually had cared about me as much as you claimed to, you would have told me, because you knew and saw how much it was hurting me just wondering what the hell was going on.


Instead you knowingly and willingly strung me along, and then got mad when you were accused of stringing me along. I'm sorry you always "feel like a criminal" but your actions speak MUCH louder than words, and your actions haven't been saying much about you as a person or a friend.


I was the best boyfriend to you that a girl could ever want, and I am very sure I would have been the best "legitimate boyfriend" you could have ever had, if only you had actually wanted me to be. I know that I wanted that more than anything... but what I wanted never really mattered to you.


ALL I EVER wanted to be was a "legitimate boyfriend" for you. I begged, I pleaded, I fought, I argued, I tried, I gave EVERYTHING of myself JUST so you would finally be proud enough of me to MAKE me your "legitimate boyfriend" .... but I was never important enough for you or good enough for you. I was never worth enough to you to do the one simple act that would cement me as a real boyfriend. You kept me waiting in the wings for years on end, hoping, wishing, waiting....


... and when the time came where it was "choose me or lose me" you gave me up instantly. Without a thought towards me, my feelings, or how much you had sworn to me that I meant to you. In the span of only 20 minutes, you went from "excitedly being on your way to come see me" to "coming online to dump me" after an obviously very short argument and no time to even think whatsoever about if you should actually give me up or not.


I am so happy for you that you FINALLY have a newer, better boyfriend... who is legitimate, sweet and wonderful. I am happy you finally found someone who's worth losing something over, and I really do hope that he is worth it to you.... because what you are giving up in the process is me.


I truly do wish you the best of luck in your new-found romance. I really do hope that you love him more than you loved me, because if not, then you will disown him when things get rough as fast as you disowned him to me when I asked you to just be honest about him.


If you had actually ever been honest with me at ALL in the past few months, all the MANY times I hinted at knowing, the many times I asked you for the truth, the many times I asked "What is going on in your life? I just want to know why you are acting so strange to me." ...then maybe I could have been your friend. Instead you cut me out and pushed me away. The ONE thing I asked you NOT to do when you dumped me. I had told you the best way you could make it up to me was by being my friend, not cutting me out, and still keep me very informed as to what is going on in your life. You promised you would, and you failed instantly and repeatedly.


Instead, you treated me like I was less important than dirt. You made me feel like nothing, like I truly was worthless to you all along. Like you regretted everything about me, and like you wanted to simply forget about the 4 years I spent giving you my all, my everything... My time, my effort, my affection, my hugs, my kisses, my love, my sexuality, my passion, my tears, my heart... me... You made me feel as if I meant nothing to you, and never truly did.


And you KNEW how it was making me feel, and you knew that I just wanted you to tell me, but you didn't. You willingly and knowingly continued to hurt me, while claiming you cared so very much about me and simply wanted me to be happy. No friend of mine would EVER hurt me so much on purpose. No friend of mine would treat me that badly and still try to convince me they loved me.


With your continuing dishonesty, you wasted away everything I had ever done for you, done with you, or given you. You threw it all to waste, without a thought or a care for what you were doing to me. And THAT is what hurt me the most. That is why I can not ever try to be your friend again, and why I am not sure if I can ever even forgive you.


Right now, I have more respect for [my old ex gf who cheated on me a dozen+ times] than I do for you, and I'd rather have her in my life again than have "whatever it is you've become" back in my life. If you ever returned to being the Katie that I knew, loved, and would actually WANT to be friends with.... then maybe I would think about giving you a second chance, but whoever you are now just doesn't cut it for me... You've turned yourself into someone I would never want to even be friends with, even if I was paid to be. You've turned yourself into someone who hurts me without even giving it a second thought.


When you actually realize "the perfect thing" that you could have very easily had, but that you recklessly threw away... well, it's too late now. I don't trust you, and I don't like you. You've slammed that door shut, and it would take a LOT of effort on YOUR part to ever open that back up again. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try... in fact, I think it would be quite an amusing show to see you beg and plead for me to take you back. And maybe, just maybe, with the right amount of effort... I might pity you enough to give you a second chance.


But for now, you've moved on incredibly quickly and carelessly with your life, and I am going to move on with my life. I don't need you, and the only "you" that I even want died months ago when you killed our friendship...


For the record, I really don't know exactly when you stopped wanting me... I am guessing sometime in March, considering you initially told your parents that you broke up with me in March... and back in March, I had a weird gut feeling that something was amiss... That there was already another guy.


Honestly, I am just going to assume that you were incredibly unfaithful to me for quite some time before you even broke up with me.... because the dishonesty and disregard that I've seen from you doesn't make me trust or believe that you were faithful to me. And you really haven't given me much else to believe. All your lies have done is make me question anything and everything you had ever told me.... even down to the simple words "I love you."


Looking back on the last date we had, two days before you dumped me.... we met at Denny's just after Bri's graduation, and you couldn't even look up from your food. You couldn't look me in the eyes. At the time, I passed this off as you being tired, but in hindsight, I assume that it was guilt. But guilt for what?


Right now, I don't even care WHAT the truth is... I just feel I deserve the complete truth... and I deserve to hear it from you. But you apparently will never tell me the truth, even when I ask you directly for it. If you ever decide to tell me what you owe me, then you can contact me and tell me every wrong you did to me... I would like to know, simply so I can close this part of my life and move on completely. So I won't have to wonder just HOW

unfaithful you may or may not have been to me. So I won't have to wonder just how many times you lied to me, when you swore up and down that you would NEVER lie to me.


Please tell me the truth, Katie... That's all I want from you. I deserve SO much more than that, but right now I just want the truth, so I can move on and leave this, and you, behind me.


Good luck to you, your new life, and your new relationship. I wish you the best.


Love always,

-- Matthew


----------- end email -----------



Harsh... true but harsh. Any thoughts on if I should just leave it all at that, or how long I should wait before sending a slightly less accusing email (I know most of her regression and coldness is due to feeling accused so much) or phone call? Even if just to let her know that I DON'T hate her, but I am just very hurt and heartbroken... and that a big part of why I AM letting her go is because I DO love her.


I don't know. I would LOVE if she would actually TRY to keep me, and do anything she could to do so... not just lie a lot. But I also am at the point where I know I can't depend on that at ALL, and have to just make my own life.


I've felt a LOT happier about life and the future since sending that email, but one thing I am saddest about is that I sounded far more bitter and accusing than I maybe should have, and that would push her away more.


So yeah, any thoughts?!

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Just make sure you stick to no contact and keeping her out of your life. Yes you may sound bitter/upset, but what will it matter? You dont have to speak/deal with her anymore.


Good luck


She was my best friend for 5 years... we were a couple for 4 (apparently not "legitimate" though). And I still love the girl more than my own life. I just wish she would EVER just show ANY sign that she even cares about what she did to me or how she made me feel.

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There's only one thing you can do now, my friend. Walk away. It'll hurt like hell, but this girl doesn't deserve you. You don't deserve the pain you are feeling. For your own sake, walk away. Don't send anything else. Disappear from the face of the earth as far as she is concerned. If you don't, you are lining yourself up for a lot of hurt and pain. Do yourself a favour, and go 100% strict NC.

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She was my best friend for 5 years... we were a couple for 4 (apparently not "legitimate" though). And I still love the girl more than my own life. I just wish she would EVER just show ANY sign that she even cares about what she did to me or how she made me feel.


Unfortunatley we can't control others emotions/reactions only our own. You may love her but she isnt treating you correctly. So you need to take the reigns, and begin to move on and stop talking to her.

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It will get to her.... been there... done that. Unless she is a cold heartless b**tch... this will bother her. She is playing games with you and others... and the best thing for you to do is to step away if she continues.


If she does respond to this... don't respond in the same bitter tone as the last letter. Otherwise, she will just laugh and the point will not come accross.

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She hasn't responded yet, and I don't really expect her to... at least not for some time.


Thanks for all the advice and support. 100% NC it is, and shall be.


I hate to sound all "hopeful" or cliched, but I do truly know that she loves me... I am actually more sure of that than I am that my hairline is receeding. Which I guess is actually rather a helpful thought in keeping NC. She overwhelms herself to the point of breakdown, so I guess everything and everyone else piling their feelings on her too probably doesn't help. So I will just think of it as "NC keeps her from being further hurt by me, as well as me by her"


Until her whole world went crazy (this making mine crazy), she was ALWAYS the sweetest girl I had ever met... which I think is why it gets to me that she's just acting so uncaring and cold. She once hit a possum in the road and had to go back to make sure it was okay, and when it wasn't, she cried for 4 days straight.


She is far from a heartless b**ch... I guess I really do just have to give her lots of time.


I write poetry when my emotional state isn't good (just getting my first volume published!!!), so I will just focus everything I want to say into more of that.

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Oh edit, you sent it. That's okay, just do what Rob said and don't contact her again. She needs to see the consequences of her actions.


I won't contact her again... what helps me when I have the desire to is to remind myself of how poorly she regarded me through all of this.


Even in our relationship... She could never bring herself to stand up to her parents for her, me or "us" There was ONE time when she actually said "I don't care what they will do to me, I will wake them up right now and tell them that I love you" .... but she was a few weeks away from 18, and I told her to wait until AFTER she turned 18 (yes, I kept it VERY legal... don't worry) At that time though, she thought she was losing me for good to someone else (she wasn't though) ..... Even if she thinks that now though, she has a more convenient guy....


He IS rebound though. Only 3 months in, and she is already going off at her friends about how she wants to marry him... and all these things he says and does that are "SO cute". But they are ALL things that *I* used to say and do. And things they are doing together are things that WE talked about doing together after she moved away to college.


That's called "projection" She's projecting our relationship, or the relationship we wanted if he had ever been honest, onto this guy.


I have a (hopeful) feeling it won't last.

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One thing I can't help but wonder... is if it would have been better NOT to have sent that email. I had already set up NC, but I wasn't really growing very well from it. Ever since I have sent that email though (which broke NC I guess) I have felt MUCH better about myself, and feel like I have my life back. I truly do... and it feels good.


But a part of me wonders how things would have worked if I had written that and just not sent it... sticking to my prior 3 weeks of NC. I guess I said my peace and then I am back in NC. And now I'm rambling about it... I guess it's best that I let her know that she did NOT just get away with lying to me so much. That I am NOT a fool and I deserve better... MUCH better.


Grrr... why do people have to be so difficult?!

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As a female, this is my opinion; your message was Waay too long. Any girl worth her salt would read the first couple of sentences, see that you were going to be begging and lecturing her, and crumple it up and throw it away. Not nice, but who likes to be nagged to death?


It's hard to crumple an email, but there is the delete button. That's what I felt after I read it too... too nagging and stuff. But considering over the past few months I was never able to say much of anything, I felt every bit of it was necessary... as did everyone I knew. It was all things that I should have said a LONG time ago, but never did. **sigh**


I don't think I begged once in there. Lecture yes, but not beg.


Oddly, I ran it by 3 females before I sent it, and all of them said that I held back too much. Heh...


Well, that was pretty much my "Get it ALL out and then I'm done." email... and she's an English major. All she ever wants to do is read, so I gave her something to read I guess.


Anyways, too late now to shorten it... and I can't think of much I could have left out while still making my point very clear. Yeah, so it's NC for me again, and I am a lot happier with myself now. I actually smile when I am falling asleep instead of cry. The length was mostly due to bearing this weight for 4 and a half years, without being able to say anything harshly true, for fear of making her an emotional wreck. Now the weight is gone and I am not carrying any of her weight, except memories.

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Bro, our situation is quite similar. She began an emotional relationship a year before she decided to split from me. She kept it from me, her so called best friend. I had to say some nasty stuff to her to get her to tell me the truth. We tried the friend thing a couple times after the initial split, didn't work. I tried the whole "im done" email, that didn't work. I guess it depends for other people. But today it was just a relapse of the whole failed friendship thing. I refuse to be a friend to my ex (who I still, for some reason have feelings for) while she is dating someone else. After another failed attempt today, I think it just reaffirms that I need to walk away. That's all you can do man, walk away and don't look back.

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You have to walk away until both of you are in a better place, me and my ex are both seeing people. It's been about year since we split, and the channels of communication are just opening again. There is no more resentment between us and the jealousy has more or less gone on my part.


I don't think we'll even be a couple again, but we've been friends for about 12 years and were dating for 3 of those.

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I've been feeling actually pretty good about leaving her behind me. I won't lie and say that I don't still wish I had her, but if "this" is who she really is, then I guess I truly don't want "this".


My current pain seems mostly in the longing for someone to hold, someone to rely on, someone who will want me to text them randomly throughout the day with unimportant things like where I am eating lunch. It hurts knowing that she's found someone to do those things with, and so easily... yet it's so very hard for ME to find someone. She has all those things, but I don't.


I think it should be breakup ettiquite to provide the dumpee with a backup, especially if the dumper already has someone in line. ie. "I don't think it's going to work between us anymore, I want to see someone else. This is Julie, she's a co-worker of mine... SHE likes you. Bye."

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You know, in my opinion.....


You dug into her quite good for not standing up for you and just "letting you go so easily". But didn't that happen when her parents found out? As much as she should be honest after 4 years, you also said that she was dependent on them for financing her education. She got an ultimatum and you lost, and for that I'm truly sorry.


However she's young, 20 years old. At this age, school is very important. You're working towards your career that will give you a life. It is a poor choice on her parents' part to give such a nasty ultimatum, however maybe they wanted to make sure she stays focused on what's important. After 4 years you must know that her parents sound over protective and she has to let them have their way so that she can continue to be successful. It's messed up, but many college students are under their parents' financial thumb.


She's probably put a lot of work into her schooling and didn't want it to go to waste if she couldn't afford to pay for it herself. Could YOU have paid for school for her? Unless you could, you can't automatically expect her choice was going to be favorable to you.


So in a way, I think you're being unfair to her and making her look bad for a choice she made for HERSELF. Plus, after you break up staying 'best friends' is quite possibly the hardest task in the world. Her heart was hurting, and she did immaturely jump into a rebound relationship to try to distract herself. But as for her lying to you, she probably thought it would be easiest. What woman is going to share to her ex boyfriend who she probably still loves that she's with another man? And since when is she going to tell you the semantics of said relationship either?? It sounds to me like she was trying to in a way save your feelings, if only just a little bit.



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There's a lot more to it than just all that, but I definitely understand ALL of your points. I agree with a lot of them too... the biggest problem I had was that she kept me a pure secret from her parents for four years, before even the "him or college" thing happened. Every time over the four years, she never even refuted things when they would say something bad and wrong about me... when she knew how incredibly wrong it all was what they thought of me, she never stood up for me and who she knew I really am.


And the "trying to save my feelings" part... well, for four years, that was her excuse for lying to her parents about seeing me, and I spent four years trying to get the point accross that the lying hurts them more than the truth ever would. She didn't learn her lesson when her parents said "Why didn't you just TELL us?!" and then she did the same thing to me as she did to her parents.


I would never have stood in the way of her education, in fact I'm the one who talked her into applying for the college she wanted to go to... she was trying to talk herself out of it because she didn't want her parents to be ashamed of her if she didn't get accepted. I guess it came to bite me in the butt a bit, but I am not even one bit regretful that I made her apply, because it is the best college for her.


And as far as the "saving my feelings" part... it would have been one thing if I hadn't asked for the information. As far as I knew, and as far as she had told me, the parents were the ONLY reason we weren't together... so I had plans to talk to them on my own, not jeopardizing her education at all, etc....... and she kept arguing with me not to, but would never tell me why. And I asked her straight-up if there was another guy, telling her that it would hurt me less to know than wonder... and then the entire conversation of lies when after a few months she finally DID admit to it... while still not admitting to it... how does that save me hurt?! I had already found out through someone else how long she'd been seeing him...... so I asked her directly, even revealing what I knew about him, and she denied that and gave me more lies.


THAT is what I was digging into her for. I knew as she was lying that she was lying. Not just assumed, but I knew the actual facts and revealed that I knew them, and she still lied to me, telling me that he was unimportant and they'd just been "hanging out" for a couple weeks. That's not a friend, by ANY means.

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But yeah... that's partly why I started this thread. I wasn't sure if I should leave it at that, or send a short follow up, stating calmly and very unemotionally that I am sorry for the harshness... that I just will not stand for being lied to... maybe even that I could have accepted that there was another guy, but that I will not accept being lied to... and that I still don't think we should talk.


Like a smoothing over, but still saying "don't contact me"

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Maybe it's just my perception, but that email came accross to me as bitter and chastising.....not smoothing things over and don't contact me.


That's my point... I was wondering if I SHOULD send one that's smoothing over, 'don't contact me', as damage control for my rambling burst of "GRRR!"

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At this point? Might be best to just leave it alone and not send anymore emails. Just learn from this experience: maybe you should have re-wrote the first email or not sent it at all.


You risk digging yourself in a deeper hole by writing her again. Chances of her being highly defensive after reading your email are very good to likely. Defensive people are not especially rational in their response to the person who put them on the defense. Give her a while to think; if she wants to address the email, she will contact you.


Sorry to say, I think any damage that was caused is a done deal. Walk away.

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