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The more I start to miss you or think about the good times, the meaner I am going to be to you. If you look all cute and act nice to me tomorrow night, I am going to walk away as if you're not even there. It will hurt, but I need to use my mind for once, not my heart. My 11th grade history teacher then told me that I was the smartest girl in his class, but I need to not let my emotions rule my head. That was some of the best advice I ever got. So the more I miss you, the colder I will be. Your sister's boyfriend asked how it felt to lose weight. I said it was great, of course. He said, "yeah, losing 200 pounds is nice, huh?" right in front of you. I corrected him and said "Actually it's 210, but no biggie". Everyone started laughing. I can imagine how you must have felt. You thought you trusted me (even though you treated me horribly). Maybe that's why you didn't show up on Sun. Nah...I bet you didn't even get the joke. You were just screwing around with your new girl. I must remember that you are a useless piece of crud...merely an object to be cruel to. That is horrid, but I must not let your charm and looks get to me. I must not let those puppy dog eyes suck me in. WHY DO YOU AND MY EX FIANCE BOTH HAVE THOSE CHOCOLATE, SOULFUL EYES? They are so deceitful? You knew how to get them to look pathetic and vulnerable (no wonder you loved Puss in Boots). but there is really no soul in there. As long as I don't look at you, I can be cold.

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distractions are nothing but just that, a distraction. they only last for so long until the next wave of missing you sets in. I feel inadequate, like a failure since the break up. How could I give you so much, and feel like I've done so little? Did I impact your life at all? You told me I did. Is it enough for you? Am I enough for you? What happened to the rest of our lives? I told you I was sorry, and now I'm just waiting.

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distractions are nothing but just that, a distraction. they only last for so long until the next wave of missing you sets in. I feel inadequate, like a failure since the break up. How could I give you so much, and feel like I've done so little? Did I impact your life at all? You told me I did. Is it enough for you? Am I enough for you? What happened to the rest of our lives? I told you I was sorry, and now I'm just waiting.

 

Same.

 

Except in my case, I'm not sorry.

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How could you so coldly treat me the way you did, leave and emotionally disconnect from me like that over such a simple thing? That little situation of me not answering your question right when you wanted me to was worth cussing me/harshly talking to me, totally walking out on me and disappearing out of my life? How could you do that to me? Do you think you're teaching me a lesson or something? I was so loving and good to you, never treating you anything like this. How can you do this to me?

 

You are so abusive and you know it. I swear I will not be here when you decide to call me and pretend nothing happened. Like before you will say a sweet sounding sorry and wanna just be normal again. But you leave huge painful traumatic abysses when you disappear. Your treatment traumatizes me. I can't take you back again. Someone who loves and respects all that I am would never even think to do something like this to me.

 

All over me not responding to you right when you needed me to? You have serious psychological problems. I need your toxic and abusive character out of my life for good. I deserve so much better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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So the last time I saw you was a week ago today. Did you expect me to look back when I left ? How did it feel when I didn't look back ? How did it feel when I told you I won't keep in touch ?

 

Do you miss me ? Do you think about me as much as I think about you ? Do you wonder what I'm doing or if I'm ok ?

 

I just miss you so much. I just want you back in my life, but I'm not going to tell you that. But I just want you back and I know it's not going to happen. But it doesn't stop me wanting you, missing you and loving you.

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It's been about two weeks since I talked with you, have you thought about me at all? I haven't been able to get you off my mind since you were the first girl I ever really "fell" for. Do you pick up your phone and wish there were a message from me but become disappointed that nothing is there. Do you miss how I held your hand, making you feel as though everything was going to be okay. After our break ends in two weeks, are you going to feel the same way about me as I you? Are you going to lose your fear of committment and finally let a man care about you the way you deserve? I hope so my dear

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I know that me sending this email will not be well received, and that is OK. I sincerely hope that you will take the time at some point and read through the entire attachment. I believe that if you do, and if can you take a long, hard cynical look, you will know that the only reason that I sent this to you is because I cared. I want you to take the time for yourself to read the attachment, but only when you are ready. It is not insulting or demeaning, but rather my way of saying the I SEE you, and through all of it I cared enough to let you know what I see. When you finally do read through the attachment, you will see the truths of our roles in our relationship.

 

I hold no hopes anymore of there being a dynamic interpersonal relationship between you and I, and you may never want to speak to me again after reading this and the attachment, and that is OK as well, but if you actually take the time to read the attachment (and it is my hope that you do read all of it and not just start it and dismiss it) that you will look back in time and say that someone really did LOVE you enough to take this bold step and call it out.

 

Only you are alone with your thoughts, and as I have taken care of what I need to take care in my life and begin my journey to healing and I wish the same for you. Because it is only if you can take a long hard look and begin to identify within yourself to see what you are struggling with within, then and only then will you fully be able to put down your walls and receive the love that you deserve.

 

Again, I am only sending this to you know because I cared enough about you to ensure that I lose you forever so that you can work on you and be a better partner to someone else. If our paths should ever cross, and I am sure that they will, I will receive you warmly with a "Hi, How Are You?". That is the true sign of maturity and letting go, and I embrace it.

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Have you notice I am no longer on the site we used to talk on ? You will only have noticed if you looked. Have you looked ? I bet you have ? Are you wondering why I deleted my profile ? Are you searching new folk to see if I have joined again ? Do you think you know me enough to find me if I had joined again with a new name ? Well stuff you ... you will never find me cause I haven't joined again, and when I decide to you will know it's me and you will know that I'm over you and looking for someone who will be able to love me. But I hope you waste time looking for me !!!

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you never log onto msn. why did you? was it to talk to someone new? was it to talk to me, then when i didn't reply you logged off, or did you see me and block me, and now you're looking at 'her'. i doubt it was to talk to me, or you wouldn't have ignored my texts. my life is so * * * * ing pathetic.. but whining to you never did make it better, or at least not in a real concrete way. the problem is that now i'm going to be glued to my phone at all times, over this tiny * * * * ing thing.

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Go away! I don't ever want to see your face again! I hated seeing you tonight. I saw what looked like a BUM with baggy clothes standing against the telephone pole smoking and thought "No...that can't be...BRIAN?!" Yes, it was you. You were starting out at the passing cars, straight at me riding my bike. WHY? What was the POINT of that? Then when I had to pass you, you turned away and I completely looked the other way and had to sneer because I was so angry to see you. Then I thought, are you meeting your GIRLFRIEND or something? I was very unahppy about that. Or maybe you thought I was already there and you were avoiding me. Who knows...probably you wanted me to see you smoke just to get a reaction out of me, because you know how I used to tell you how proud I was that you quit before we were together. Sort of an "in your face" thing. Whatever. You're only hurting yourself in the long run. In fact, you told me you thought smoking was stupid and that people who smoked were stupid. You said you didn't know why you ever did and had no urge to do so. You said your sister and ex shouldn't be smoking because our students can see it and it's a bad influence on them! I guess since you got kicked out of teaching children's ministry, you don't care. Wow. You suck.

 

And then for you to tell everyone about your Disneyland trip with your girlfriend. Dang, You just got with her last week officially and you're already discussing your hotel experiences with the church folk. Um, hello...but is that appropriate? I know you just wanted to rub it in my face since you were supposed to be taking ME to Disneyland, but that is messed up, IMO. How dare you talk about the girl you cheated on me with. How dare our friends respond to your story with questions, laughter, and interest?

 

You don't deserve it. But obviously something isn't right because why else would you be smoking when you didn't even smoke when we were together? You are anxious. It's all an act. I think you are destroyed when you go to bed at night. You probably have nightmares about me like you used to. You would cry because you'd dream I left you. And now I left you for real. How does it feel, Brian? How does it feel that I rejected you? Serves you right. You rejected me. You can cover it up with sex and women and Disneyland and smoking (and smoke and mirrors) but it will come back to bite you in the butt...and by that time, I will have moved on. It hurts me now, but later you will be the one to suffer. That helps me a little.

 

Oh, you know what is really sad? I was thinking about you looking like a loser bum tonight...but then I had a memory of you next to that same spot. You had on your hiking backpack and Sesame Street t-shirt. You were smiling and waving as you watched me walk home from hiking together in the park. That was a HEALTHY time! We walked for miles and just talked. You did not smoke. You were beginning to teach children's ministry and sing in the choir. You were giving up eating bad and were taking the Diabetes meds I came with you to get. You had cried because you said no one ever cared for you like this before and I was your best friend. You were looking into better jobs, taking communication courses, and watching relationship videos! You were going to all the church functions and doing special things for the homeless. This was all stuff YOU wanted to do. Isn't that terribly sad? The guy who was changing his life around to finally get things in order. You said you would do anything because you were motivated by love for me. And you DID. Pastor said he never saw you as healthy as you were with me! What a compliment,huh? As bad as you were, you were changing for the better...MUCH better.

 

And now you look like hell.

 

WHY?!

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counselor says i'm doing really great at moving on, feels like i'm not since I constantly just want to be back with you. I have a date tomorrow, baby steps right? It feels a little weird, but if I don't get out there, my thoughts will always dwell on you, and we can't have that can we?

 

i bet you miss me as much as i miss you sometimes. how does it feel to go home to an empty apartment every night? i'm glad i have a roommate, my family, and all of my friends, i have leaned on them so much, i have so many people i can count on. Where are yours? your family is so judgmental, i bet you have no support there. i bet you're keeping it all inside? that sucks. i bet you miss the life you had with me. warmth, happiness, and love. do you remember those feelings? i bet they seem so far away now. I pray for you, i pray for me, i pray for us. Sometimes, i get anxious because i feel like i'm forgetting your face, all of the lines, freckles, and your smile. And then, i realize its for the better. i'm going to knock you right off your pedestal. I loved you, but I have to stop this addiction. thanks for nothing you ungrateful b#!@@d. i'm supposed to replace good feelings with ones of anger, i bet that was no problem for you, was it? "you are nothing to me, you mean less to me than the dirt on the bottom of my shoe." i'll say it until I believe it. i used to know you, not anymore.

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its been about 20 days since we last spoke

 

you changed your passwords so now i cant even spy on you

 

It was i that left you, but I truly cared about you so much

 

I'm sitting here contemplating If i should text you, but i know i shouldn't because from what I can tell your pain has started to subside.

 

If i contacted you, it would be to make my self feel better, and it would make you feel worse. And to cause you even more pain is not what i want.

 

God i wish I knew what you were doing, it was how i coped with your loss. I think i'm addicted, checking ur fb/email multiple times a day like a stalker, but now with no access, this hurts

 

 

Its bitter sweet knowing that you too are also moving on and as everyday goes by the reality that we may never be in touch become to be more real, its not scary as it is depressing

 

I hope you succeed

 

I did love you

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Hi. Just wanted to let you know that you gave me nothing. Yet I loved you. I gave and gave...and you took and took. I cannot understand why I miss you. Is it the sex? That's all you had to offer...and it wasn't even good. Why do I miss you? You didn't love me, you know nothing of love. You are a liar and a bum. I hope you are miserable, desperately miserable. You are pathetic and I remain absolutely confounded as to how I can possibly miss you and even entertain the thought of taking you back. Rot...I mean it...rot in your misery and complete lack of character.

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8 days and you've not heard from me. The longest time since we first met that we haven't had contact. Do you miss me ? Do you care at all ? Do I care ..... not as much as I did a couple of mths ago ! I'm starting to think about all the things that bugged me about you !!

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It's been almost two weeks since we talked, have you thought about me at all? Do you wonder what I have been doing or who I have been with? Do you miss me being your sunshine on a cloudy day like you used to say to me? Will I still be your sunshine when I see again in two weeks? I hope you think about me because I think about you, I miss you.

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Dang, Brian. I looked at my phone and it was another missed call from Steve. Wish it had been you. I know that's weird, right? You tried to talk to me last week and be nice to me and I ignored you and avoided you.

 

But don't you get it? I didn't break up with you because I wasn't interested in you or over you. I broke up with you because you CHEATED on me. I guess in the back of my head, I subconsciously wait for an apology that I don't think will ever come. I somehow wait for you to come to me crying, telling me that you messed up the best thing you ever had and that you are so sorry. That you are getting rehab for your sex addicition and that when you come out a better man, you hope we can be friends. Yes, that is wishful thinking, but I do wish it. I wish you would break up with your girlfriend and vow to be single until you get your life together. And then later down the road, we meet again and it's the Brian that I got to see little bits and pieces of when you took off the mask. It's sick how women like me fall for bad boys and dwell on the few crumbs of goodness we get from you. But the good in you was really good. Too bad the bad in you was really bad.

 

If you came and humbled yourself to me, your friends, your church, even your job....came clean and just apologized for all the wrongdoing...do you know how many people would gladly welcome you back like the prodigal son? But only if you were serious and made changes over time...lots of time.

 

Don't get me wrong, I could never take you back now. I told you I was DONE. You were NOT happy about that, although you moved on in a heartbeat, so I guess I didn't matter THAT much. I was done with your bs. I wish I didn't have to be done with the guy who had been my best friend though. I'm naive enough to believe there was someone in there that actually had a fragment of a heart. Your sister says no...that you were all bad...but I don't think of it like that. I don't think your intention was to be a creep...I think you're just very selfish and don't think about who you hurt in the process.

 

Can't change it. Only God circumcizes hearts. You made some REALLY great changes and I'm so proud of you for what you did before. Yes, you were just doing it for me, I guess, but so be it...that's awesome that you cared enough about marrying me to do it. Cared enough to change your life. Even though you may have just loved an image of me and not the real me, it makes me feel good anyhow that you really wanted to be good for me. you said you couldn't believe you ever "got someone like me" and that all your exes were nothing like me because yuo thought you had to settle before. You said "I knew you were going to leave me."

 

I had no choice. But you did. So that is why I avoid you now. You can try to be nice, but unless you're going to sit me down with a heartfelt apology and proof of a lesson learned, there is no hope of us ever being friends and i think that is sad.

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I'm back at square 5. How could you move on so quickly? Yes, it is your life and your will but...it still hurts I did love you genuinely despite the fact you hurt me on so many levels. No one else can hurt me this much. I am still going to stay single and wait for the perfect guy. The right guy will come, I just need to wait.....

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Thinking back, your ideas about factors which makes up a good relationship are so pathetic.

 

So you're saying that just chatting and talking shows more affection than kissing?

 

That it's perfectly normal for us to meet once a week or even once a fortnight even though we live 15 minutes WALK from each other? And when I ask you where you get these ideas from, you answered, "Because I have a friend and she only see her boyfriend once a month." Are you stupid? They probably live 20km from each other, and we are only 15 minutes walk, my god.

 

And yes, I did talk to you about those problems and I could see you were trying to improve, but reluctantly. I didn't complain.

 

Also, I never told you this but: every time you lied to me, I knew. You really think I'm stupid? You're pathetic. When you were late, you always said that the bus was delayed. All it took was me checking up the timestable for your bus to find out that no, your bus was not delayed, it was perfectly on time. I thought if I told you, it would be really awkward and I didn't want you to be unhappy because I loved you, so I just pretended you were telling truth.

 

Now, the more I think of these things, the less respect I have left of you.

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