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Nynnja
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I completely forgot about you today!!!! I am so happy, first day at a new job. Already flirting with the ladies that work next door. I had fun. Took me back to when I didn't know you existed.

 

Then I saw a couple dancing in the parking lot. And I stared at them. And I could not, help but think that's what we used to do. Just for fun. And they looked so happy. I couldn't turn away. I thought maybe that's what people say when they saw us doing stuff like that. And it made me sad, not in a depressed way. But just sad.

 

I didn't know I could still flirt like that. And make girls smile, by just talking. I should change my name to Thomas Crown. You know me. I have the most confidence in myself. I know most of your friends/family hate that about me, because people with no confidence feel insecure around confident people. Hey, sorry it's just who I am. Tell me to do 20 push-ups, I'll do 22. One to beat you, and a second for good measure.

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I dont know how you couldnt love me in the end when I gave you everything of me.. how could I be so unloveable.. how can you be happier not in our home but moving in with matthew? I will continue to handle this with dignity and grace as best I can. I wish I could have done so many things differently. I know you tried so hard. I respect that. My heart is broken. I thought we were to be married.

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I wanted to wish you Happy Birthday yesterday but I didn't. I didn't forget. But I figured if you wanted to hear from me, you would've contacted me by now. I'm sure you got so many greetings that getting one from me wouldn't make a difference anyway.

 

I told you before: I will forever miss you. That's the truth. But I am following your lead and focusing on myself. I hope to be at where you are right now- living for the future and not the past.

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If we had stayed together, we would've celebrated our anniversary today. One year and four months. Instead, we broke up in April. It's been almost a month since I last heard from you, and I don't know whether I should still expect the detailed e-mail you said you'd send. I love you, and some part of me always will...but I don't know if I'm still "in love" with you.

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I'm missing you less. My feelings are fading. Our story is becoming vaguer. My dignity and self are resurfacing.

With all of my progress, I'm beginning to wonder...was it real? Did I exaggerate my need for you to be with me?

All I have left to do is forgive you and myself so I can be 100% set free.

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In every idle moment I think of you. From the time stir awake until I am so tired that I can’t keep my eyes open. I hate how I have hurt you, scared you, and broken your trust. Funny, I think I actually have a handle on the jealousy issues I had before this awful cycle of feeling slighted and lashing out at you.

 

I don’t understand the transition from feeling/sharing love to cutting off contact. I don’t know what I am doing that triggers that. I do know that I have a primal and ugly reaction to that which makes it much worst.

 

I am deeply sorry for everything I have done and for the pain I have caused. I love you so damn much…I swear I can still feel your love! I don’t know how you can ever forgive me but I hope you can find a way.

 

I have wrestled with every imaginable pain, heartache, tear and sleepless night possible. Maybe there is nothing left in you but it feels like we have unfinished business. I really want to talk if it’s not too late for us.

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weekends are always the hardest without you. sure, towards the end, our weekends weren't spectacular (they weren't really in the beginning either, let's be honest.) But, just having you around was comforting and warm. I get so lonely in this small ass town, when everyone is home for the summer. But, planning my days out by the hour has helped. I'm going to keep growing and improving, and focusing on myself. I have plenty to offer

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Yeah I am buzzed so what. Find a guy who will, leave work early, and risk loosing his job, to drive 1 hour to see you when your sick, and get you your food, and medicine. Name somebody who will go to a New years eve party and have people step all over his fractured ankle, just to make you happy. And have it linger for a extra 2 months of PAIN!!! You said I was nothing, you can find better. I put my car on it you won't especially in our community. You need to see what it's like to get cheated on, have your man come home at 4 in the morning, wondering who he is with. You need to experience that, to see the appreciation in me. You can't learn from other people mistakes, so you have to make your own. Good luck. I hope he cheates on you, and you feel it. Feel the pain of betrayel, because you didn't feel that with me, because I never did.

 

I am nothing, you can find better than me?? Prove it. You won't. Especially the type of person you are looking for. All you see was the negative, you coould not focus on the positive and build on that.

 

Our mutual friends look at me like I am the villian. They have no idea, what you put me through. That image of you that they see is a sham.

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5 weeks since the break up. starting over on day 1 NC

 

i just want to say, i think you will regret your decision. you said i was the best thing in your life- the best thing to ever happen to you. that you cared about me more than anyone in your family-- that i was your future wife. more than 3 years of memories & love & promises & you just LEFT.

 

you said you wished me the best. you know what i wish? i wish i could get back those 3 years of my life. because i invested them into someone who bailed on me. thanks. you know what else i wish? that i fall in love again, have a successful career, get married, & have beautiful babies & a beautiful life--- & you continue to live at home, not keep a job, your debt overwhelms you, & you try to go meet other girls, but no ones even compares to me & u think to yourself, "f*ck. i really messed up. i cant believe i let her go. i am so stupid." and i hope each day after u realize this, you feel just a quarter of the pain ive been feeling.

 

you didn't just break my heart. you broke my entire being. and i hate you for that.

 

of course, i am only this bitter because i still am in love with you, let's be honest. BUT i will fall out of love with you- you can be damn sure of that. in time to come, i will fall out of love with you. i will work hard at that, so when you realize your mistake, & you will realize it, i can tell YOU that I no longer have a desire to be with you. and i hope you cry. and i hope you scream. and i hope you have to settle for someone that you dont truly love-- b/c the reality is, i will forever be your "one who got away" ...and honestly, i don't know how you're going to live with that regret every day of your life. wow. you blew it.

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I'm training for a half marathon now. I don't even want to post this on my blog because I know you are still reading the posts. It's nice that I don't go on Facebook because I avoid the urge to post my status on there as well. I wonder if you think about what I'm doing right now, because unlike the other times we broke up I'm really keeping you in the dark this time.

 

Well, as I said, I've amped up my training, studying for the GMAT, and getting ridding of all the excess "stuff" I own (it's as much baggage as my emotional baggage.) Right now, I'm going to finish the laundry, then I have a work appointment at 5, then I'm going on a 3 mile run. Cool huh? Not really, but just as you knew me, I'm still pretty go go go even on the weekends. Maybe the fact that I was so busy (even on the weekends) contributed to our demise, and I'm a bit sorry for that. But now, I can do all these petty things and not feel guilty for doing them. Anyways, this is the kind of useless info I'd give you on the phone or in person, so better off here.

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i hate you. im hysterical!!!!! and it's all your fault!!!!! you took away my happiness!!!!! you PROMISED FOR THREE YEARS YOU WOULD NEVER LEAVE-- THAT I WAS GONNA BE YOUR WIFE!!!! THAT WE WERE GETTING MARRIED NEXT SUMMER!!!! YOU SAID THAT!!! ALL OF THAT & MORE! YOU SON OF !!! I HATE YOU!!!!!! I CANT STOP CRYING, MY WHOLE BODY ACHES & I SIT HERE & I HYPERVENTILATE OVER YOU & * * * ARE YOU DOING!? YOU ARE EVIL AND CRUEL & IM SORRY I EVER MET YOU! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU GET YOURS! YOU!!!!!!!!!

Edited by HeartGoesOn
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I went through my email inbox to read our old e-mails. Needless to say, reading them brought me to tears. I miss you so much. The weather's so nice, I want to just ride my bike with you, go get groceries together, lounge around and be lazy. I hope you are thinking about me just as much as I'm thinking about you, even if you choose not to be with me.

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You are the reason that I believe in love at all. I’m sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry I had to leave. Our life together became toxic, and you expected me to take care of you for the rest of our lives.

 

..You held the fact that I left over my head, you threw it in my face.. you told me I didn’t deserve forgiveness.. that I was unworthy but your wrong..

 

I deleted all of our old pictures today..with tears in my eyes I couldn’t believe I had the strength to click the button.

 

Tomorrow will be our anniversary (6 years) and I’m just thankful for the life and the love that we shared, even if its over.. this new chapter without you have left me feeling so lonely.. without you here I feel like a part of me is missing.. I’ll miss your jokes.. your laugh.. your smile

 

I miss laying in bed with you, thanking god for giving me another day with you.. I’ll always treasure the love we shared, the life we had.. you were my bestfriend and I’ll love you till the day I die.

Edited by Wildflower88
didn't like what I said the first time..
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