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Nynnja
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I really tried.

 

I told you from the get go that I was in the midst of an awakening from monogamy to polyamory which, you were very clear you didnt want.

 

I told you I wanted to work it out with you. We didn't know how but I was damn ok with opening up with you and trying to find a common ground.

 

the first year was great. You told me that you needed to establish trust and love between us. I told you, we don't need to do anything poly at the time, but just take the time to remind me you know that part of me, acknowledge it and make me think you love me as a whole.

 

I know I f'd up when i downloaded a dating app without consulting you. I was wrong for not bringing this up. But I feel i'm not the only one to blame. I'd take the time to remind you through humorous memes, through sending you articles, through telling you why and where I probably learned polyamory from.

 

But it never came. It was vilified. You explicitly reminded me that you have no intention to understand who i was fully. What was I to do? Everything else about us worked. I was willing to go to the otherside of the country. i wanted to work but i had a need that needed to be fulfilled and you never wanted to understand who and why my mind worked the way it worked. you begrudgingly went with me a couple of poly parties and a couple of sex parties but i told you there's more to what and why i believed in about connection.

 

then even worse was your luck this year. Natural disasters, covid and unemployment and the difficulty of finding a job. Depression hit you and I couldnt make you feel happier. I just did my thing, lived my life.

 

And now we're here. at the end.

 

will you ever want to try to make it work?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Really sucks not being able to talk to you. The nights are the worst. Going from living in our awesome, comfy house to this tiny, cold one-bedroom apartment is driving me insane. I'm lonely. I feel like no one cares about me now.

 

I don't know what to do with all this time. I used to spend it either with you or knowing you were close-by so that I could see you. Granted, our interactions toward the end weren't usually positive, but at least you were there and cared enough to argue.

 

I miss you. I miss JoJo, the god of mischief. I miss How Heavy Are The Dumbbells That You Lift while sitting on the couch and getting amped to exercise at 10PM. I miss rubbing your feet and covering you with blankets.

 

Most of all, I miss being able to think about something other than you, because you're it lately.

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  • 3 months later...
  • 2 months later...

I feel so sad having had to leave what was our apartment because of you, for the second time.

I feel sad we never invested in buying a few stuff for any apartment we've owned, because you always told me "next year we'll be leaving the country". So, I never felt "home" with you.

I feel disrespected and hurt, because you never took my feelings/needs into account. I know it's my fault too however. Should have been more assertive.

I feel pity to see you reach out to me, after I've given you a chance and you blew it. You've left me broken, and hurt. Your threats, abuse, and manipulation show how needy you are, and how much you lack confidence.

I deserve better. I'll be better. May you find your own peace. Thank you for all the lessons. Thank you for showing me the way to a more healthy life. It'll be a tough ride, but I'm in. I wish will you well.

Youwere once my only man. I dreamed of us if growing old and living in a nice green house with animals.  Ah well, guess I'll do it by myself.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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  • 2 weeks later...

I tried. I honestly, really, earnestly tried. I gave more to this relationship to try to make it work than I ever have in my other relationships. It just wasn't working. We are incompatible; and I saw the effort on your end fade. I tried my best to explain all of the reasons to you during the breakup (wanting/not wanting kids, COVID differences, sexual incompatibilities, and a range of other reasons). I hope that you do not hate me and that, in time, you will not misconstrue my character or think me a bad person. However, if it helps to make me a villain, then whatever you need to do, I guess. I hope you come to realize that we are both better off this way. I hope you move on maturely and without vindictiveness. 

I am rooting for you and hope you root for me too. Please, take care of yourself and stay safe.  

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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  • 3 weeks later...

M:

I'm still not fully over the shock of how things turned out in the end. I remember after my birthday fiasco, you said you didn't want to be on the list of jerks who hurt me, of all the people in the world, not me. And then you did. I remember the good old days when a guy would screw up and bring flowers and dedicate songs and ask for forgiveness. But not you. The cheating was bad enough. Then you proceeded to try to gaslight me to blame me for the disaster? What a f*%&ing coward you are. Pretending the past year was just us being friends and trying to make me the crazy b%$#& who was just confused about the meaning of sex and the "I love you"s on your behalf. Well, if I was the crazy confused person, then that meant that you did nothing but take advantage, exploit the situation for your own benefit, so no, it's not the winner argument you think it is. You POS, I can't believe such a tiny man can take up such a huge space in my mind and heart. Just finish leaving, will you?

E:

You knew all along what he was like because you are just like him or even worse if possible. Why would you put that piece of garbage in my way? How could you defend his cheating on someone you claim to love and admire so dearly? Seriously, you rather line up all his hens so he can just continue getting laid as much as he wanted, even to the detriment of my feelings, my peace of mind, etc. The fact that he did this a few weeks before my mastectomy was just a poop cherry on top of everything, and you were ok with this. He is a man, so I kind of figured this would happen sooner or later, although not in such a terrible way. But I never expected this from you. I have loved you since the day you were born, I was there, almost 30 years thrown in the garbage because you decided his d&%$ was more important than my heart. Then what's up with the rape allegations? You said nothing happened between them and now I am learning something did happen and it was not consensual? You knew about this and still thought he was good enough for me? Why do you hate me? And you still claim to be a feminist? STFU. I will never ever ever forgive this.

M and E:

I hope you meet someone just like you. Someone that will treat you in the same way you both treated me. Nothing more, nothing less, just exactly like you two.

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3 minutes ago, WhyIsItSoHard said:

M:

I'm still not fully over the shock of how things turned out in the end. I remember after my birthday fiasco, you said you didn't want to be on the list of jerks who hurt me, of all the people in the world, not me. And then you did. I remember the good old days when a guy would screw up and bring flowers and dedicate songs and ask for forgiveness. But not you. The cheating was bad enough. Then you proceeded to try to gaslight me to blame me for the disaster? What a f*%&ing coward you are. Pretending the past year was just us being friends and trying to make me the crazy b%$#& who was just confused about the meaning of sex and the "I love you"s on your behalf. Well, if I was the crazy confused person, then that meant that you did nothing but take advantage, exploit the situation for your own benefit, so no, it's not the winner argument you think it is. You POS, I can't believe such a tiny man can take up such a huge space in my mind and heart. Just finish leaving, will you?

E:

You knew all along what he was like because you are just like him or even worse if possible. Why would you put that piece of garbage in my way? How could you defend his cheating on someone you claim to love and admire so dearly? Seriously, you rather line up all his hens so he can just continue getting laid as much as he wanted, even to the detriment of my feelings, my peace of mind, etc. The fact that he did this a few weeks before my mastectomy was just a poop cherry on top of everything, and you were ok with this. He is a man, so I kind of figured this would happen sooner or later, although not in such a terrible way. But I never expected this from you. I have loved you since the day you were born, I was there, almost 30 years thrown in the garbage because you decided his d&%$ was more important than my heart. Then what's up with the rape allegations? You said nothing happened between them and now I am learning something did happen and it was not consensual? You knew about this and still thought he was good enough for me? Why do you hate me? And you still claim to be a feminist? STFU. I will never ever ever forgive this.

M and E:

I hope you meet someone just like you. Someone that will treat you in the same way you both treated me. Nothing more, nothing less, just exactly like you two.

PS: I want my money back. And my songs and games and TV shows and movies and all those things that I can't listen to or watch anymore because they hurt so bad. I want my favorite bands. Your area of destruction was huge. Not a standing building. Not a good memory. Nothing.

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Dear R, 

I probably wasn’t the best girlfriend… but I was the girl who loved you her best. Why wasn’t I your angle ? Why you never cared for me the way you did for your ex and current bestfriend? Why I was subjected to your ego? 
 

I cheated on you so I deserve this. But why were you emotionally unavailable? What was my mistake if your ex didn’t love you or your parents didn’t care much or your new business was failing??? Why couldn’t you even appreciate when I supported you the best way I can? Why couldn’t you let me know that you value me ? Why treat me like trash ? I still couldn’t leave you… so I decided to talk with other boys so I don’t feel like trash. I told you the next minute that I’m doing this help me and treat me better but you chose that time to show your worst attitude. It was a bad phase. We both made mistakes … I made the bigger one. 
 

why couldn’t you post one picture of ours that says that you love me? I was insecure and wanted to show the world that I mean something to you…. World called me trash I wanted to show them that I was your treasure. I know you don’t like posting pictures but one picture could hurt ?????? 
 

You didn’t went down on knees because your ex did something ? Why was I suffering? Why were we not even sleeping in same room after marriage ? Why you always made me believe that you don’t care? I cheated on you and nothing can justify that. 
 

Please leave me …  I love you and I don’t have strength to leave you… please leave me… 

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Posted (edited)

Why are you still contacting me even though you are probably still hooking up with your ex and lied about everything to me - who you live with, that you have a baby, that you shared same bed with ex, that you slept over there, that you lived with your sister, etc. etc

It was really creepy to pretend to be another person and contact me on a language app. You are a psycho troll!

Yes, you wrote me a nasty email accusing me of hooking up with lots of girls here, but that's not true. Actually, I will take my time and only date someone of high quality that has integrity and values honesty. Life is too short.

Actually, I would rather date someone 15 kg overweight and missing a front tooth if she is easy-going, likes beer and going fishing. I don't need that extra drama you just are bringing into my life. You are a fun person and I could picture you as a good friend, but man you can be annoying and I feel sorry for the next guy you will date.

And why are you now emailing me to help you with your school project that is due in 2 days. You even had the nerve to ask me to do the entire project for you while you are probably outside having fun and enjoying the nice sunny weather...

I will just ignore you and get help from your REAL boyfriend.

 

 

Edited by mical
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Dear R, 

Probably we were never meant to be together… or probably I am no special… or probably love luck ain’t on my side… How much I loved you… how much I realise love now…. How much I realise where I ***ed up and where you did… I wish we could sort our differences.. I wish I could communicate better… I wish  so many things but I can’t make it happen a single one… 

So, I am trying to let go… trying to be the girl you wanted since our marriage.. the alone girl… whom you told live alone!!! I try to be strongest when you are home.. when I see you chat with your current bestfriend! I am trying to let go the love i hold too hard for you… I don’t like anything…  I wonder what you had for breakfast.. why didn’t you took the milk ? Did you buy the fruit for office ? How was the chilli panner? Did you warm it? Did you enjoy it ? I don’t ask you….I wont. Ever. I eat too… I take medicines which requires me to! But I don’t enjoy it… I enjoy the coffees though! I am again addicted to it… can’t let it go this time because I need coffee.. gotta have something to distract me to let you go right? 
 I awake… I get nightmares.. I can’t sleep.. I don’t like to sleep… sleep gives me nightmares! I am sorry.. I realise how you must have felt when I did even worst. But what you are doing is going to be permanent. 

Please leave me… free me from this love .. you finally have someone you trust and can love. So let me go. I love you.. I don’t have strength to leave you.. please do it for both me and your current bestfriend. 

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Dear R, 

As you say my everything… you want to keep marriage going on without love so that you get assurance of Visa?  Ok. You want like 6 months to decide whether you love me or not ? Does it matter ? What’s gonna change if you love me? Are you gonna stop making me jealous ? No. Are you gonna trust me and be emotional for me again? No. Then how will it matter? I have understood it very hard way my love, falling in love is easy… too easy…. But keeping that love alive, staying in love with that person requires work my everything. Communication is the key to every relationship my love… I told you 1000 times my love but you never wanted to communicate with me. I am the reason .. so not blaming love.

I give up on love… I don’t think love is in my luck. So I will wait for awhile for you.. again lol but for once and first time  without making stupid mistakes to avoid this pain.. I already know this pain isn’t worth it. My brain is giving me 100 options to ease the pain.. and I always fell into it.. I always loved you .. but when you were figuring out … I went to others… I am not doing that this time. I am here. Waiting for you. For a while only though. If you can, love me again……. From all your heart If possible. If not, I will find my own way to deal with this. But will not cheat on you my everything. 

You told me that you will be in the boat but I will go away… so I am staying in the boat.. even when I have no hope that this boat is gonna survive.. So I am here taking this pain that you don’t understand, acting mahan because I have no other option left…  I will learn to live without love! 

Lots of love ghap, 

The girl who loves you. 

 

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My Dear R, 

How much I cared for you… how much I cared that you don’t eat this *** biscuits… how much efforts I made to feed your stupid belly right….. how much I though about how to make you more comfortable and healthy…. I wanted you to live so so long and healthy… I was concerned about your health after 50. I’m not concerned about mine. 
 

still my love, all you do is care for somebody else. Why was I not enough? Was it the cheating ? Those boys are nowhere in my life … they weren’t! You never loved me 😢 so when you got busy… you stopped being my bestfriend…. I was there …. Always waiting for you… and when I realising that you won’t come… I talked with others to keep my sanity. I just talked…….. ( wrong , so wrong but just chatted) you are giving a piece of your heart to someone else….. it’s ok love. I can’t do anything in this… I will accept this… and she doesn’t matter love… you and your feelings towards me matters. It’s ok love…. But I promise my love…. One day…. Sooner or later…. I will stop loving you…. I will remove you from my heart…  I hope I can find my peace then…

Loving you was so hurtful….. over the years…..! I hate myself for loving you… I hate myself for not being practical. I will stop my obsession for you one day.. and then … I won’t care who you talk to or what! I won’t care you come home or not… 

 

 

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Dear S,

I miss you. I miss you so much everyday it hurts. I miss us watching tv together at night after I cook dinner. I miss us playing video games together and trying to get all of the achievements. I miss going on walks with you and holding hands. I miss visiting your family and watching their dogs. I miss watching anime and movies with you on Saturday nights. I miss cuddling with you and our cats on the couch at night and falling asleep in each others arms. 

After everything that has happened, I still miss you. After you lied to me and gaslight me. After you emotionally cheated on me. I miss you even after you've slept with two other girls. after you wrecked my car. I miss you even after you slapped me. After you told me to go kill myself. I miss you even after you called me a b**** and a c***. I miss you after you quit your job and made me support us both. I miss you even after you hurt me so badly last month. 

You were everything to me. I know I'm not perfect and I've made a lot of mistakes. But I could never hurt you the way you have me. I know for the past year I pulled away, but what other choice did I have? You weren't willing to be the partner that I needed.

I know I'm the one who ended things, but now I'm just broken. I left because I felt like things would never change. I felt like I didn't want to bring kids into this environment. Now I cry everyday and its hard to get out of bed. I can't move on from you. It hurts even more seeing you do the things I have wanted you to do for the past 3 years. You couldn't do those things for me and that's what hurts the most. Why wasn't I good enough for you? Was everything you said a lie? I miss the man I thought you could be. 

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Dear R, 

I miss us… I was happy… really happy… I was always happy with you…. Super happy…. I thought you were happy too….!!! Super happy with me… 

I fight when i was upset with you. I cry when hurt…. Had this ugly habit of slapping when I was super angry or anxious… I thought you knew only you could calm me down.. only you ghap. Only you. That’s what you do to people you love ghap… apart from slapping thing. You don’t stay silent to people you love ghap… if they don’t understand you make them understand ghap.. if you find them annoying … you tell them love… but you don’t stay silent and go to someone else ***ing about them ghap.. You are doing this intentionally… while knowing this is hurting me too I’m much..  I was wrong ghap…. Including when I thought we are our one and only…..!!!!! 
I hate you ghap… for finding your trust somewhere else without giving me a genuine chance one more last time… while I though I was making things ok.

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Posted (edited)

E:

Do you really think that by saying I'm sorry all the hurt is gonna go away? No, we don't all have a girl lined up to get into bed with the minute we have a fight. No, we don't all resort to alcohol and drugs. Some of us just stay here, with our pain, trying to get rid of it in the most healthy way, and you are just making it harder with your lies. I don't want to see you again, get that through your stupid skull. Why would you even want to fix things? Do you need money? Are you afraid I will ask for my money back on those concert tickets? What is it that you want? You say we are family, you say that you love me, why couldn't you figure that out when I got my bad news and you screwed up my birthday (I am pretty sure you did it on purpose) and instead of fixing it you kept pushing me away because you couldn't get away from her a couple of hours to make things right? For weeks I waited for you to fix things, but you were too busy setting them up together.

Now you want to fix things, how do you fix a major f*** up like this one? How can you make the pain of your treachery go away? How can you earn back my trust? How can we fix this when your name, your voice, your pictures, your songs, the movies we saw together, TV shows, jokes, wrestling, even words, everything triggers me and sends me back to square one? Do you feel this way about me? Of course not, you have been busy f***ing and drinking and snorting your way out of your depression. You think about me once a week, and in the meantime I am stuck, right where I was 5 months ago when I learned that he cheated on me and you defended the POS. For a lesbofeminist, you are quite the macho jerk. I saw you treat girls like crap, I always believed you were in a dark place because you are always depressed. I never thought you would do that to me. That's when I learned it's not you having a bad moment, it's who you really are. If you don't like it, then change. If you can't, then embrace it, embrace who you really are and start presenting yourself that way, not the helpless victim you always portray. Embrace it, but understand that no one is under any obligation to embrace you.

You want to fix things? Take away this feeling.

Edited by WhyIsItSoHard
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Three and a half years. A lot has changed.

Of the many holes in my heart, the one left by you is probably the cleanest now. I still feel the presence of the hole, and I've begun to accept that I always will. My time with you showered me with light, from both inside and outside of my body, and while the light would sometimes shine through the holes in my heart, it still did more than I think you will ever know in illuminating me -- I hope you recognize your strength in that context. There was of course the downside that the light would produce such a strong, snowy glare that the holes were hidden in blinding light.

I'm in the process of cleaning the other holes in my heart which arose from two lineages of intergenerational traumas, and while it's extraordinarily painful, I know that I still have to do this. This will be what is best for myself, my family, my friends, and my communities. There exist new tunnels in my world shining lights towards me, though for now, many of them shine right through the holes in my heart.

I will continue working on this, and I will continue to heal...from everything.

As for you, all I can do is wish the modern you general well-being from across the many boundaries of space and time. No one deserves to suffer in this life, but suffering begets suffering, and I hope that whatever holes may exist in your heart do not remove the light from you and your social network.

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  • 1 month later...
Posted (edited)

Grr... I shouldn't have clicked on your Twitter page. I was looking for an old joke to share with friends on my own profile, and I saw your old comment in that thread. Then, my curiosity got the better of me and I looked at your page. 

Of course... why am I surprised. Since the breakup, you've retweeted from a "Narcissist Support" page or group. And, you've made other pointed posts (about how people who hurt you always having an excuse having the problem and not wanting to improve). A bunch of stuff like that. I'm not sure if you know what you are doing or if you are actually that deluded. We dated for a long time and I treated you right. I am a human being with an active mind and heart. Your criticisms are not just unkind - they are plain wrong.

I will find someone better: someone who communicates - someone who doesn't rationalize loss by thinking people are narcissists - someone who doesn't drag others down, even their "enemies," in public - someone who won't ever try to isolate me from my family and friends - someone with goals and ambition - someone kind - someone with similar values. 

Someone better. Now leave me alone.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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  • 1 month later...

You were smiling in my face, then cheating on me.  Trying to have both worlds.   You swear up and down you're innocent.  You're not. You keep begging for chance to talk.   Eat sht.

Edited by RitaTrue
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  • 2 months later...

Wow. Coming back here for a message after having a fling of a couple months blow up, naturally triggering thoughts of whether or not I want to contact you again...I'm able to look back at my last message almost 5 months ago and realize how much things keep changing. Cleaning the holes in my heart, and now actually healing them, has been amazing. I'm in the process of identifying new holes in my heart to clean up, maybe holes which you already saw and which I could not in that previously described snowy glare of light that you shined on me -- and which may have equally been hidden in the shadowy darkness that emanated from within the holes.

And so the path and job continues...I once again can only hope that your own path is going as well as it can.

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