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I really tried.

 

I told you from the get go that I was in the midst of an awakening from monogamy to polyamory which, you were very clear you didnt want.

 

I told you I wanted to work it out with you. We didn't know how but I was damn ok with opening up with you and trying to find a common ground.

 

the first year was great. You told me that you needed to establish trust and love between us. I told you, we don't need to do anything poly at the time, but just take the time to remind me you know that part of me, acknowledge it and make me think you love me as a whole.

 

I know I f'd up when i downloaded a dating app without consulting you. I was wrong for not bringing this up. But I feel i'm not the only one to blame. I'd take the time to remind you through humorous memes, through sending you articles, through telling you why and where I probably learned polyamory from.

 

But it never came. It was vilified. You explicitly reminded me that you have no intention to understand who i was fully. What was I to do? Everything else about us worked. I was willing to go to the otherside of the country. i wanted to work but i had a need that needed to be fulfilled and you never wanted to understand who and why my mind worked the way it worked. you begrudgingly went with me a couple of poly parties and a couple of sex parties but i told you there's more to what and why i believed in about connection.

 

then even worse was your luck this year. Natural disasters, covid and unemployment and the difficulty of finding a job. Depression hit you and I couldnt make you feel happier. I just did my thing, lived my life.

 

And now we're here. at the end.

 

will you ever want to try to make it work?

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I feel so sad having had to leave what was our apartment because of you, for the second time. I feel sad we never invested in buying a few stuff for any apartment we've owned, because you always

Really sucks not being able to talk to you. The nights are the worst. Going from living in our awesome, comfy house to this tiny, cold one-bedroom apartment is driving me insane. I'm lonely. I feel like no one cares about me now.

 

I don't know what to do with all this time. I used to spend it either with you or knowing you were close-by so that I could see you. Granted, our interactions toward the end weren't usually positive, but at least you were there and cared enough to argue.

 

I miss you. I miss JoJo, the god of mischief. I miss How Heavy Are The Dumbbells That You Lift while sitting on the couch and getting amped to exercise at 10PM. I miss rubbing your feet and covering you with blankets.

 

Most of all, I miss being able to think about something other than you, because you're it lately.

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  • 2 months later...

I feel so sad having had to leave what was our apartment because of you, for the second time.

I feel sad we never invested in buying a few stuff for any apartment we've owned, because you always told me "next year we'll be leaving the country". So, I never felt "home" with you.

I feel disrespected and hurt, because you never took my feelings/needs into account. I know it's my fault too however. Should have been more assertive.

I feel pity to see you reach out to me, after I've given you a chance and you blew it. You've left me broken, and hurt. Your threats, abuse, and manipulation show how needy you are, and how much you lack confidence.

I deserve better. I'll be better. May you find your own peace. Thank you for all the lessons. Thank you for showing me the way to a more healthy life. It'll be a tough ride, but I'm in. I wish will you well.

Youwere once my only man. I dreamed of us if growing old and living in a nice green house with animals.  Ah well, guess I'll do it by myself.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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