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I know you saw me the other night when I was dropping my ex husband off. I know you saw us because you slowed all the way down to like 40 mph, so as to not catch up to us. It ticked me because for one, I wasnt even driving my car and you clearly recognized me from having the light on inside that car. Second, the more I slowed down, the more you slowed down.


You gave me a reaction that I wasnt even trying to get. Because believe me, you could pull up beside me with a woman in your car and it wouldn't affect me one way or another. I'm not speeding up, slowing down, trying to get your attention or anything- I'm going about my way as if I didnt even see you. Because that's what I do now.


My ex husband saw you when we were passing you anyway because I told him that was you. He just laughed because he knew that you were just another dumped side dude of the many that I had back when we were stil together.

But thank you for slowing all the way down and letting me know that you saw us. I know it still must hurt to see me with the man that I was with before you came along, and while we were together. We recently split and I was dropping him at his girlfriend's house that night. That's how amicable our break up was.


My ex husband was my backup all while we together anyway so cutting you off and going on was easy. I got out of the way so you could focus on the new victim in your life.


Because any woman you date is a victim boo. You gone beat that ass, you will never compliment or build her up. You will criticize her and beat down her self esteem so that she wont leave. But they ALWAYS leave- you know deep down you're a cocaine snorting woman beater. You been beating, abusing and breaking women for 50 years. Just another abuser is what you are.


Please understand that this was just an observation. I know it hurts your fragile ego to see me with another man, especially after I shot down your attempts to reconnect one year ago. Remember that you wanted it this way. You are the one that told me to get the F away from you and get out of your personal space. All I did was exactly what you told me to do- and I've held you to it ever since.


Because you dont tell me to get the F away, then turn around and ask me for sex. Youre not going to tell me to go away, then ask me to come back to serve your sexual needs. I played with you, but you damn sure wasnt going to play with me. You'll miss my sex before I miss yours, considering that it wasnt good anyway. You never did anything I wanted or needed sexually because it was all about you. Everything was always about you.


You had it made when I was around, because you could get back door action from me and anything else you wanted sexually. We both were sleeping with other people, and I didnt care what you did and you didnt care what I did. You didnt have to wine and dine me, or even do anything for me. I didnt do pop ups at your house and ruin what you had going with other women while we were together. I didnt even demand respect and tolerated the beatings you inflicted, you putting down my kids, and a lot more abuse. And I still gave you sex, unprotected at that. What man in his right mind would fu*k that type of arrangement up? You would.


You made the mistake of thinking that another woman would give you a similar arrangement. I CAN be replaced, but there is only one Shan. I'm batsh*t crazy at times, moody as hell, and I've been disloyal in my past life. But I'm also highly Intelligent, educated, hard working, very intense emotionally and sexually. Im responsible and now I am a one man woman. I bought my Infiniti truck cash, along with my car. I'm putting my mini me through college and I'm a a great mother. I'm a high functioning borderline- and after being loved by one, admired by one, worshipped by one, and having intense sex with one- you'll never be the same again. The women you date afterward will be boring compared to us. I'm unapologetically ME. And one thing you'll never forget is, that you were very special and beloved to me. I loved you with a reckless abandon. I love very hard, deeply and intensely.


You told me that 1(I'm not your priority 2)my autistic son is retarded 3)get the F away from you and get out of your personal space 4)you didnt give a F about me and never did


And those the reasons why^^^^^ I declined your offer of reconnecting back in March of 2019. Why would I want to go back to a man that said such hurtful things about me and my child? It was very difficult for me to break away from you once and for all. I had to pray to God to let go of you.


There is a man that I have an extremely huge crush on at my place of worship. I have been observing him and studying him for at least the last 8 months. He is a religious man that doesnt believe in sex before marriage. He is 53 years old, divorced, and he isnt even the best looking guy in the congregation. But when he speaks from the platform and gives his talks, he makes love to my mind. When he hugs me after the service is over, his cologne along with his tight embrace makes my legs weak. The way that he holds the bible for his elderly mother shows me how gentle and respectful he is. The way that he treats his 5 sisters is commendable.


But as I learned from you Kenneth, men can act one way in public and abuse under a cloak of secrecy behind doors. So as I continue to learn to be alone for the first time since I was 16, I also pray about this man. God knows his heart, his innermost emotions and motives- the Lord knows the things about him that nobody else can see. And as i continue to heal from all the abusive relationships of my past, i also pray that he continues to give me the gift of discernment. That gift of discernment tells me to never trust you again. It's a god given gift and I use it wisely. You dont even like me. Why would I ever bother you again anyway???


You gave me a response and some attention that I wasnt even seeking from you. Thank you for letting me know that I still matter to you. If only you had shown me that when we were together. Then we would probably still be together right now. Peace

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Hey, I know that we just started talking and as much as it felt good chatting with you again. I am really hurt to know that you have this new-found friend that you can talk to anything. (your words not mine) while I am left out healing my own heart. I know this is your way of getting even and it hurts like a b%&^$.


For now, I will back off and see where things go. I can’t keep pushing our reconciliation with you especially I know that you’re not ready yet. I can only handle so much disappointment and heartache. You take care.

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Dear N*


I guess this is my way of talking to you without talking to you. It was recommended that I write, because it helps with the emotions. So here i am.

I miss you. More than anything. I miss you. I miss everything. Your face, your smell, your hugs, your laugh, your kisses, your warmth, your smile. I wish I could be in your arms. My home. My favourite place. I love you. You broke my heart but I still love you. I always will. Always. You're my best friend. You're my soulmate. I sit here, wondering what you've been up to. What are you doing. What are you thinking. How are you. Are you ok. Are you happier. Do you still think of me? I'm scared you may have forgotten about us already.

I dream about you every night. They're mostly nightmares. Ones of you leaving, and I'm running. Always running. Trying to get to you as fast as I can before you disappear and gone forever. Then I wake up in an absolute panic, crying. But it's not a dream, because it's real. You are gone.

Last night, I dreamt you were sitting in a restaurant we went to, and I walked past and saw you through the window, and you looked like as if you were waiting. Waiting for me. And I ran in, and you looked up at me and we ran to each other and hugged. It felt so real. I felt like you were really there. I woke up, crying again. Because that it wasn't real.

I haven't slept in my room for three weeks, since the night you left me. I've been sleeping with my mom. I've kicked my dad to the guest room! Because my bedroom reminds me of you. Its where you slept, you've touched everything. All the memories, the magic. where we kissed, made love, talked and watched tv. I can't bear to be in that room. It reminds me too much of what was. I spent the first week hugging your tshirt. But it was bringing me too much pain.

I've done a lot of self reflection during this time apart. A lot. Reflected on me, on you, on our relationship. What I did wrong. What can I improve.

I'm sorry N*

I'm sorry you were screaming to be heard and I was too selfish to hear. I didn't realise the impact our arguing had on your mental health, I didn't realise i was being absolutely ridiculous over such small things. Picking arguments over things that didn't even require it. So stupid. I put you under so much stress. I made you so upset. i ed up a lot. I wish I could take it back. I wish I didn't act on my emotions. I wish I went to other people too, instead of relying on you. I was too dependent on you for my own happiness. I made you my whole world, and because of that you suffered, we suffered. I needed you, too much. I should have shared my happiness. I should have spread it out. I should have made it so that you added to my happiness, not the reason for it. I know that now - although it may be too late now. I'm learning now though. I always try to learn from my mistakes.

After you left me, I reconnected with people i knew from long ago, I've made some new friends (all be it online, but new friends!), I spend time with every single member of my family, to help drown out this sadness, but I am filling my time. I am cooking, learning anyways. I am reading, new books, self care books, motivational books - you name it. I am back to going to therapy weekly. I've drowned myself in work. Working hard. I've gone off social media, no snapchat and no instagram, to be alone with my thoughts, to find myself, to be present and learn to be alone. Slowly but surely, trying to find myself back again. Finding new hobbies, and bringing back old hobbies. I used to have a passion for fashion, and I'm rediscovering it.

It should have been something that I kept doing whilst we were together. I don't know what happened there...

I'm disappointed. In myself. I wish I had sorted out my mental health before I had met you, then it wouldn't have led us here. Or I wish I got off my ass and sorted it out in a healthier way when we were together. I guess i got complacent, thinking it'd just go away on its own. But thats proven to be wrong. ...Man, I was wrong for the most of it.

My trust issues - I take full responsibility for. I should have trusted you when you told me to. I should have listened. I have trust issues. I know that for a fact. I was insecure. Scared I wasn't good enough, scared I'd lose you for someone better. You told me I was good enough, but I didn't believe it. Because I didn't believe in myself. But I'm getting there. I'm disappointed in myself because I failed. I failed you, I failed myself. I failed us. I let this get in between us. It took losing you to realise it. Funny that. It never should have gotten to this point, but it did. Maybe things happen for a reason ey? Maybe life needed to slap my stubborn self in the ass. It's a huge lesson. A lesson I'll carry with me always. I now know, to love myself. Enough so that if anyone leaves me, it's ok because i have will and can pick myself up. I know to keep my hobbies, and some things in my life separate. So that we can be independent people that come together for good times.

I don't want to be that S* anymore. She isn't who I really am. The real me, she was sarcastic, almost to the point where she was mean. She loved fashion, music, skateboarding, dancing in her room when no ones watching. She loved watching Netflix, going out to eat, laughing, doing new and trying new things. She was strong, furiously opinionated, to the point where she didn't give a , what anyone thought. She was adventurous, with so many ambitions. She wants to travel the world, make money and build an empire. She loves learning. A total geek. And I'm slowly going to get her back. As for us? Of course I have hope for us, can you blame me? I still want us. I still want you. Flaws and all. I still want you. For now, I can accept you want space and time. To figure yourself out, to find your freedom, to do things you enjoy. To find you. I respect and love you so I can give and do that for you, as much as it hurts me to see you there but I can't reach out to you. It ing hurts. Because I miss you.


I want to bury our old relationship. The bad part of it especially. I accept it's over now. It's dead and gone. But I hope for a new one. A fresh one. With more and many of the good times, and much less of the bad times. An improved and new me. An improved and new you.

I'm a real meanie to people, but a huge softie for you. You broke down a lot of my walls, the walls i built to keep people out because I was scared to get hurt. I was scared to feel pain. So I shut people out. I refused to talk about my pain before, I didn't think anyone would understand, and a little part of me didn't want them to understand. Because it's sacred to me that I hide my weakness, so it can never be used against me.

But you know what, i embrace this pain. Because of this pain, theres room for growth. The more I experience the pain, time and time again, I realised it was me who picked myself up. It was me who helped myself. It was me. And I'm stronger than I thought.

I have a huge soft spot for you, that's why I don't have a lot of pride, or ego when it comes to us and why i am for the first time so able to speak my mind, my thoughts and feelings and put it into words. I am able accept all my faults and accept all my mistakes.

Words are no good though, only actions are. So I won't talk about how well I am going to do, thats for everyone to see. Thats for you to see.

I love us. Our connection. Meeting you in mile end station, our first hug. Our first date. Playing Jenga, eating Wasabi. Teasing each other. Cosey/Cosy Cinema. Holding hands for the first time and it feeling so right. Leaning on your arm. Sitting and talking, for hours and hours, never running out of things to talk about. Talking every day, texting, calling every night. Kissing, and always kissing. Can't get enough of each other. Sneaking you into my house, running upstairs to kiss. Like young crazy kids in love. Sitting on your lap, grinding and hearing you say "dead rabbits dead rabbits". Laughing, always always laughing. The kiss in the kitchen, oh god that kiss. When I was going to leave, and you pulled me back, closed the door and kissed me so hard.
Wanting to see each other, counting down the days, the minutes. Making love for the first time. The moment you opened that hotel door. The first kiss after ages, my heart wanted to burst. You inside me. Felt like my missing puzzle piece. Making love - oh god the making love. Every day, all the time. Getting your first car. Our drives. Driving in the day, driving in the night. Blasting music with you singing terribly. Me laughing. Harrow Viewpoint. Staring at the lights and the stars with you by my side. Valentines day. Woburn Safari. Our long road trip, you surprising me, keeping it a secret. Feeding alpacas. Studying together, sitting side by side. Supporting and motivating each other. You pushing me, me pushing you. Looking for jobs, to getting a job. Wiping each others tears. Frustrated at each other, frustrated with life, frustrated with things. Topgolf, swinging as hard as we can to vent our anger. Cheering when we score points. My 23rd birthday. You bringing a cake, we sat in the car, blew the candles. You singing Happy Birthday. I never knew I could love you more than I did, but I did. More and more each day. Our dates, trying new places, voting on them. Watching movies together, football. You teaching me cricket, football. Messing up the kitchen trying to be master chefs. Learning recipes together. When you started FDM. Cooking for you, greeting you when you came home. Waking up to you. Sleeping next to you. Hearing your soft snores. Feeling your sleepy arm wrap around me. Kissing you softly in the middle of the night. Murmuring I love yous and good mornings. Brushing our teeth together. Changing together. You kissing my shoulder. You kissing my feet. Making love every night. you kissing my body, every inch. You teasing me, to the point where i’d get annoyed but i loved it so much. The first time we argued. We couldn’t even sleep. The next day I came over, and we kissed and made up. We never wanted to feel like that ever again. Feeding each other food, fighting over the last piece. We both secretly wanted it but wanted to give it to each other instead. Making love everywhere. Living room, Stairs to the shower. Our showers, oh god how I miss them. Cleaning each other. Washing each others hair. Learning a new language together. Playing chess together. Talking on the phone every night, asking each other about our day. Watching you play football, cheering you on. Always proud of you watching you do things. Making milkshakes. Drinking Falooda. Eating brownies and cookie dough. Make up sex, I can’t get enough of you sex, tired sleepy sex. Express sex. Angry sex. Shut up and kiss me sex. I mis you sex. All of them. Feeling your skin against mine. Sweat dripping. Your breath. Moaning. I love Yous and You feel so good. All the queefs, your farts. Reading bed time stories. sending memes every day. Lying in bed and just enjoying each others silence. Playing with your hair, scratching your beard. Arguing, bickering. Two stubborn headed opinionated lovers. Your forehead kisses. Tickling you. Hearing you laugh so hard. Running around the house tickling. Hugging you from behind. Opening up to each other. Talking about our deepest secrets, our fears. Being so vulnerable. But feeling so safe to express them at the same time. Complaining about people to each other. Being each other's cheer leader. You're my einstein. I'm your marie curie. You being my teacher, me being yours.

Being each other's bestest friend. My confidant. The only person I can speak my mind to without fearing any judgement.

Falling asleep to the sound of each others breathing.

I have loved everything. The highs. The lows. The good. The bad. Though, I wish there was less bad. Never have I fallen in love like this, and I doubt I'd find a love like this again.

I don't know where life will take us from here. I have accepted that old relationship is over. Though I have hope for a positive future for us. I like to think, we are that couple that just needed a break up to realise what we had. To appreciate what we lost. Then come back stronger. As two new people and build a new relationship, different to the old one with new lessons learnt. One where we can feel free. One where we don't feel anxious. No insecurities. Only strength.

But, that is for you to decide. Ultimately, it has to be whether you want us or not. Are we worth fighting for or not. Are you able to take the bad with the good. Do you have enough strength in you to be with me. Are the good things worth the bad things. Are we worth another shot?

That is your decision and you can take however long you wish to decide. As much space and time is necessary. I won't rush you. Love is patience and love is kind. Whilst I work on myself, I'll also be waiting. I don't want anybody else. My heart belongs to you. But if your heart belongs somewhere else, thats okay too. And if you don't choose me. That is okay too. I can let you go. I will let you go. I just hope you come back to me in the end.


"If you love something, set it free. if it comes back, it was and always will be yours. if it never returns, it was never yours to begin with,"


I love you N* with all my heart.

Forever, and always. Infinity and beyond.

You are the love of my life.


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  • 1 month later...


Today is 1 month and 24 days you are in NC with me. You ignored me completely. You blocked everything number I have sent you messages on WhatsApp.

Today is also 13 days since I decided to went in NC. Are you ok ? Are you happier without me? Have you already found a better fish that you told me that there are many fish better in the ocean. Are you still in Thailand now ? Are you dating the girl you met in Thailand at New Year and spent couple days with her? You told me nothing serious with her but after stayed with her for few days make you know you are over me. I hope you are happy as you say. I know I hurt you so badly. I wish it is true that you told me you don’t hurt anymore.

I am doing ok. Much better than before. Now I’m feeling I am so stupid to waste 4 months to sent you emails , messages to beg you for another chance. I feel less hurt every day passed by but I still miss you. I hope you are happy and have peace life as you told me that you just want to live your life in peace without me. You will have it all. I will not come in to your life again and I hope you will never come into my life again either.

Stay good babe ! Still love you but it’s over !!

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Dear A.M.E,


There was so much left unsaid, so much left not apologized for.


While it takes two to make a relationship work, I just want you to know that what you were asking and expecting of me was not too much. I acted out of selfishness, arrogance, irritability, and perfectionism. I apologize for becoming irritable and upset over the smallest things, for continuing to talk to those you perceived as a threat for obvious reasons, for not reaching out to your friends or others to try to make connections and instead relying on online-gaming to fill the void of companionship with people outside of our relationship, for putting more time into things that didn't matter like games, for not scheduling my time efficiently around school and my job to allow more "us" time and making a real connection with you later on in our relationship, for not putting your feelings first by thinking only of myself and how I felt when things were going south. I neglected to make you feel wanted and cared for in the ways that you needed from me, blinded by the folly of old habits I used to use in my past to deal with my problems while often times giving you the blunt end of my stress and emotion without realizing I was the problem. I dealt with our issues and my stress in a negative way rather than a productive and constructive one, and that is beyond excusable. Though we never had screaming matches or called each other awful names, we raised our voices and our concerns. Only now do I realize that I wasn't listening to the emotions behind your tears. I would have left me too... I'm sorry for everything I did that hurt you and made you feel like you didn't matter: I'm sorry for acting like I didn't care.


A.M.E, I want to thank you as well.


Thank you for helping me realize my faults, my unproductive mannerisms, and my nonconstructive lifestyle habits. The end of our relationship gave me a lot of time to think about my mistakes and the things that went wrong. I've learned that I need to make changes in my life in order to withstand the hardships; to properly de-stress by being more active outside of the house, to understand that things out of my control are no reason to become upset, to make and put stock into actual in-person friendships, to have a proper schedule for life in general, to not be so frugal with money, to not put so much time into unproductive pass times and build up a repertoire of hobbies that are productive. I'm still working on the changes, but I know that I will make sure not to take the people I love and care for to be taken for granted, I will try my best to let things out of my control be as they are without it having an overcasting effect on me, to accept difficult times and with less irritation and more compassion, and to ensure that I'm taking consideration in not only how I feel but how the ones I love and care for do as well.


I'm sorry for being a detour with a dead end.

Thank you for the lesson.

I wish you all the happiness in life.



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Three years since you found her, 9 months since we last saw each other and you asked for me back. Told me you were so wrong, I was the one, your muse. But I heard things in what you said that let me know that you were looking for rescue as much as my love back. She turned out to be crazy, boil the rabbit crazy. I could have told you she was. Your midlife crisis - my midlife release. I have moved on, dating good men, loving myself, ready to fall in love again. I am happy.


But tonight, listening to the rain, quarantined all these weeks...tonight I am missing you. Not the horrible grief and suffering I felt for so long but missing you the way an old injury can ache from time to time. I want to text, just to make sure you are doing ok in this age of Covid, wondering how the kids are, if you are making it. I finally want you to be happy. I finally wish you well. I finally accept that I will always love you. I finally want to say thank you for all the good things you taught me. I want to text just to check in but I know it wouldn't be welcome.


So Universe, take care of this man. He is a good man drowning in all the bad that his life has held. And I love him. So hold him, care for him help, him find happiness.

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I'm so sad today. It's been almost 3 weeks since I've last texted you, and my days have been through a rollercoaster. Last night and today I cried. I still can't believe how hurt I feel. I still can't believe the way you did me. I think it's for sure done and over this time. It's just scary to think of it being completely over. It breaks me knowing you've moved on with someone else already. Everything I ever went through with you feels fake to me now. Everything. You seem so happy, how?

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It’s amazing how one like from you on an Instagram post can ruin my day. I dream about you most every night. Haven’t seen you since January but I miss you every day. I guess there’s that one person you never get over and I reckon you are that one for me. I loved you then, I love you now, I love you for always. I miss my family.

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Dear ***, It hurts so bad in places I didn’t even know existed. If you really loved me would you continue to hurt me like this? I would place myself in the line of Fire so you wouldn’t have to feel one ounce of this kind of pain. You selfish POS!!! You never made me feel like I was #1 in your life, the way you were in mine. Anything you needed from me was at your beck and call the ONLY thing I asked for was your attention and unconditional love in return. The fact that I even had to ASK for that is sickening. The night my grandmother died you were “too tired” to come comfort me. The night my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer you “were too busy with friends”. All I needed was your arms and you couldn’t even give me that. I would have dropped everything and anything to be the shoulder you cried on THATS love. You just take, take, and take. I meant what I said that night I feel sorry for you, you will never know what it’s like to deeply love someone to the point where they come first. I don’t even know if your children will be motivation enough for you to change as look at your father. You never had a chance. But your an adult now, you NEED to know better. And I hope one day you see the error of your ways. And because I love you I hope your happy. I hope you find everything you felt I couldn’t give you to the point where you abandoned me without a second look. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry my love for you wasn’t enough. I’ll see you again though, this side or the other.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I have been in NC with my ex girlfriend for 4 days - she sent me a message last night and she has been messaging me asking loads of questions about the issues we fell out about. She has said she maybe wishes she was a stronger person to have dealt with the issue we had that was the final nail in the coffin as it would mean we are still together now. Most of her fondest happiest memories are of us two together but she knows herself and what she deserves and that ISNT a man right now. She can find happiness in being alone.


It seems to me to be mixed messaging. I have said to her i need to block her again once the financial stuff we are trying to sort is done and she has come back with 1 thing she is asking for is that i wait until at least after my birthday to block her again.


I have no idea why this woman is going out her way to ruin my progress in getting over her. She broke up with me. She said there is no way for this to work out and she was done. She had her ex boyfriend over her flat for the night hours after we broke up. She is the one saying she cant possibly think of being with a man for a long time because of how strongly she loved me and it is gone now.


I guess all i have that i want to say too her (that i cant) is - I tried my hardest to make you has happy as you made me. I loved spending time with you and your daughters. It is a shame you couldn't see past the things that were enough to drive us apart. Maybe lockdown was a big contributing factor to us ending, maybe we were always going to end. I will never be your friend again like we were, i doubt we will ever speak again after this is all done because i cant. You have taken from me everything i saw as my future and i will never forgive you for that or for how much my daughter loved seeing you and your children which has also been taken from her. Every couple has issues and dramas to work though and people have pointed out for a long time (as well as on this forum) all the red flags i over looked when it came to you and ours. I hope i stop loving you pretty damn soon because this is not good for me, my head or my daughter. Not only do i wish i could stop loving you i wish i could hate you for what you have done or better yet, just blank the last 6 years of you in my life out of my head so i could walk past you in the street and not even know who you were.

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I went no contact after arguing a lot with her regarding why she wouldn't take me back. But, then I decided going no contact; for 15 days I didn't contact her, then contacted her again on the 16th, talked, pleaded, blamed, tried to reason, accused, apologized, to no avail. She just doesn't wanna hear from me or talk to me. She has made it clear, she doesn't love or feel for me. She doesn't think she can be happy with me. No matter how much I try to fix, it seems I'm only exacerbating the situation. I love this girl, and want to get back with her.

Now, the problem is, we are in the same year in University, I've decided no contact once again, tomorrow being the first day. Does anyone here have any advice for me?


Best thing to do here would be to stick to the No Contact thing. I know its hard and i know im not the best placed to give such advice as im not sticking to it myself but if she has made it clear, no amount of things you say will change her mind - only she can do that. If you still want to get her back, remember what it was about you that first attracted her too you. Focus on improving this and magnifying it not for her but for yourself. You will get over this soon, or attract her back whichever is supposed to happen, will happen.

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Today is the 40th day’s NC. I hope you are happy somewhere without the better fish you told me before. Maybe ! I hope not. But I know you can date a girl even without real love. I had gave up my career for this relationship. And it meant nothing to you. One day, I hope, soon enough, you will realize that none loves you as I loved you. And that will be the day, I don’t give a damn about you anymore. The day you mean nothing to me. The day you tase your own medicine. Be happy and good luck ! Karma does exist.

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Best thing to do here would be to stick to the No Contact thing. I know its hard and i know im not the best placed to give such advice as im not sticking to it myself but if she has made it clear, no amount of things you say will change her mind - only she can do that. If you still want to get her back, remember what it was about you that first attracted her too you. Focus on improving this and magnifying it not for her but for yourself. You will get over this soon, or attract her back whichever is supposed to happen, will happen.


Stick to no contact. It is selfish of her to want you to keep loving her, while telling you that there is no chance for the relationship to ever work. She cannot have it both ways. That is selfish and you deserve to be loved and valued just the same as she does. She doesnt want you to stop loving her because she wants to keep that door open to your heart in the event that her other relationships fail and she needs a soft place to fall. As hard as it is, please avoid contact with her as much as possible. You will get through this.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dear X,


These last few weeks have been the worst I have ever encountered in my life. The thoughts of you don't stop, no matter how hard I try to stop them, to get through them, to learn by them. I tried so hard to make things better but in the end I only made things worse. It hurts to not have you in my life, to remember the good and the bad, to not be able to help you through this. I'm sorry baby. I am trying not to love you, I'm trying not to hold on to hope for us. I'm trying to let you go, I am letting you go, it's so hard but I'm doing it.


I dream of you, of chasing you and making everything okay again. But I know those dreams aren't what you want. You want to be left alone, without the pressures of me and us. I hope you find your way through this. I know you will, you were and are so strong. No matter how much time has passed I will always love you. I want to be in your life but right now I don't think that is best. It will just cause us more grief because you don't know what you want and you need to look after you, jusy as i need to look after me.


I miss you. I love you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm so pissed off at you! Why the hell did you remove me from your LinkedIn just today? Every couple of days you are removing me from somewhere and I don't know what the heck that supposed to mean! Just remove me from everywhere all together!!! I'm so resentful and right now I hate you so much and waiting eagerly for the day I'm OVER YOU AND NEVER WANT YOU BACK IN MY LIFE!!!!!!

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  • 1 month later...

Yea so I went on a date. Great idea right? And I liked the lady. One big problem, actually several big problems. 1) I almost called her your name on more than one occasion 2) I like her but liking someone means letting yourself have feelings, letting yourself have feelings means opening yourself up for possible heart ache again. I’m not over you, it still hurts. Badly. Like I said last time I posted in this thread, everybody has that one person you never get over. For me you are that one person. I love you

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  • 3 weeks later...


I know all you wanted to for a long time ago is catch up. We have been in minimal contact since breaking up for years now. This time you wanted to get deeper into what we've been up to all this time.

I really didn't want to. As many others like me, I'm jobless and my car was just totaled. A feeling that although possibly superficial, no man ever wants to be in that situation especially if its to "catch up". What a ing loser.

It was possibly over 2 years since we called each other. I was too nervous to talk to you and ended up drinking so much that I don't even remember what I said.

I know I slipped out that I still have feelings for you, which surprised you, while you possibly saying you were over it. You told me we shouldn't speak too much because it "messes with our heads." I'm not sure what that means and all this time I never contacted you once. It was you contacting me every 6 or so months. Each time I was slightly irked not knowing your intentions. Had I known you were really not interested and just wanted to speak as friends I would have worked on those feelings to match.

In this blacked out but functioning state I most likely had it and told you to just stop ing talking to me. I probably told you I'd never block you and that you would have to block me. I am completely guessing that we started arguing and I said that. Had I known what I said it wouldn't be so difficult. I am now left here blocked from everything without knowing exactly what even happened.

I guess I got what I asked for.. but didn't want it now that it's realized. The only clue I have is me actually typing out "stop messaging me", "lets not talk anymore" before calling.

I don't wan't to toss 8 years away over what was maybe 10 minutes of talking, I have no clue.

I am at least eating again.. which I couldn't for 2 weeks. I didn't want to even shower or brush my teeth. Just laying in bed all day flooded with regret and what ifs, sweating out all my shirts.

I am really hoping that if never speaking is the way to go.. we can have a conversation that I actually remember.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I miss you every single day. Some days are easier than others, but painful nonetheless. I'm reminded of you wherever I go. You weren't just my partner, you were my best friend. I miss goofing around with you and talking about anything and everything with you. We shared some experiences that I'll probably never share with another human being. You changed my life for better and for worse and I never thought I'd actually have to live life without you - I had forgotten what that was like. I'm still trying to acclimate myself to my new normal. I still feel connected to you and I will always love you unconditionally, but for now, the only thing I can do is move on. I forgive you for ending our story and as long as you're happy, I'm happy. I learned a lot, cherished our time together, and I have memories to last a lifetime. ❤

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I just want us to be able to talk as friends. I don't think we're right for each other now, we both have so much to grow and mature. Perhaps in the future one day we'll reconcile. Until then, I miss our friendship. I miss you being proud of me. I miss telling you about my day. I miss having you in my life, you made me work hard and I just wished you would've opened up sooner. It's never too late in my eyes.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Today is Sunday, always miss you more on a Sunday, miss our lie ins watching rubbish films! Miss having a Sunday dinner with you, miss my best friend. Ill always love you, now another man's chance to enjoy all the things we did together!

This grief hurts more than if you had died.

I hope one day we can find each other again. I love you emm xxxx

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I really tried.


I told you from the get go that I was in the midst of an awakening from monogamy to polyamory which, you were very clear you didnt want.


I told you I wanted to work it out with you. We didn't know how but I was damn ok with opening up with you and trying to find a common ground.


the first year was great. You told me that you needed to establish trust and love between us. I told you, we don't need to do anything poly at the time, but just take the time to remind me you know that part of me, acknowledge it and make me think you love me as a whole.


I know I f'd up when i downloaded a dating app without consulting you. I was wrong for not bringing this up. But I feel i'm not the only one to blame. I'd take the time to remind you through humorous memes, through sending you articles, through telling you why and where I probably learned polyamory from.


But it never came. It was vilified. You explicitly reminded me that you have no intention to understand who i was fully. What was I to do? Everything else about us worked. I was willing to go to the otherside of the country. i wanted to work but i had a need that needed to be fulfilled and you never wanted to understand who and why my mind worked the way it worked. you begrudgingly went with me a couple of poly parties and a couple of sex parties but i told you there's more to what and why i believed in about connection.


then even worse was your luck this year. Natural disasters, covid and unemployment and the difficulty of finding a job. Depression hit you and I couldnt make you feel happier. I just did my thing, lived my life.


And now we're here. at the end.


will you ever want to try to make it work?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Really sucks not being able to talk to you. The nights are the worst. Going from living in our awesome, comfy house to this tiny, cold one-bedroom apartment is driving me insane. I'm lonely. I feel like no one cares about me now.


I don't know what to do with all this time. I used to spend it either with you or knowing you were close-by so that I could see you. Granted, our interactions toward the end weren't usually positive, but at least you were there and cared enough to argue.


I miss you. I miss JoJo, the god of mischief. I miss How Heavy Are The Dumbbells That You Lift while sitting on the couch and getting amped to exercise at 10PM. I miss rubbing your feet and covering you with blankets.


Most of all, I miss being able to think about something other than you, because you're it lately.

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  • 3 months later...

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