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Why do you keep trying? I haven't responded in 3 years but you keep trying. I keep all that drama in my head and it hurts to relive it all but I know it'll hurt even more if I respond.

 

Please leave me alone. You just don't want me to move on. I know that. You want to keep me in your sick little corner of your world. I don't trust your kind words at all. Leave me alone.

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I really tried.   I told you from the get go that I was in the midst of an awakening from monogamy to polyamory which, you were very clear you didnt want.   I told you I wanted to work it out with

I feel so sad having had to leave what was our apartment because of you, for the second time. I feel sad we never invested in buying a few stuff for any apartment we've owned, because you always

Hey.

 

I wanted to check up on you. You've been in my thoughts a lot, and I hope you're doing well.

 

But...in truth, I really miss you. I don't really remember what you look like, but I know you're still beautiful. I don't really know what you've been up to, but I know you're still so smart and so creative. I don't really know who you are anymore, but I know you're still perfect just as you are.

 

Just stay safe. I truly hope you're happy.

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It's been a long time since we broke up and several months since I've cut you off completely. Checking my emails just then I saw you just emailed saying that you still loved me.

 

That some part of you still wished we'd eventually get back together and that you were going to be leaving the country in the next few months for good.

 

How I wish I had blocked your email address on my spam email and I don't know why, but...I just cried.

 

I really did love you with all my heart. It was extremely hard to let you go. You were the greatest love of my life thus far, and made such an immense impact on me.

 

I really do genuinely hope that you'll be happy in the future too, wherever you are.

Edited by Honeycomb8
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Two more weeks will mark 5 months of no contact. I look forward to the next 5 months of NC. I dont post on social media much because I dont want anyone except those in my small circle of trust to know what's going on in my dramatic life. Theres always something going on- but nobody will know from looking at my social media.

 

I live a much more private life now than I ever have. I'm flying below the radar because I really dont trust people after being with you. My trust was low before, now its zero. You pretended to care about me so that you could have access to my life and my personal business- to then plot to destroy me while smiling in my face. April did the same thing and that's why I cut both of yall off instantly. I dont have time for fake mfers around me. When a needy, isolated person cuts you off, preferring loneliness over your company, that's speaks volumes about you.

 

I think that you maybe you thought I would never leave you alone. Maybe you thought you could say what you said and my needy ass would still be there. Maybe you thought you'd make me compete for your affections. It was only a matter of time before I got tired of your sh**, like all the women that dumped you before I did. I'm used to cutting people off and moving on. I dont ever get too comfortable or attached to ANYBODY. That's how I lived my whole life and yall were no different. You underestimated me. I refuse to let you or any man half love me.

 

I hope that you are with someone else and that you never think about me. If I saw you out in public, I wouldn't even acknowledge you. I'd disappear quickly and quietly. I just now reinstated my previous phone number. Had to make myself untraceable and unreachable to you until a period of time passed. Go ruin another woman's life and tear her and her kids down. Choke her and call her names. Never spend money on her or take her out because you act and live like an 80 year old man. Because that's exactly what I know that you will do.

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  • 2 weeks later...

And so I've found out that you definitely were manipulated and lied to this entire time, though the extent to which is something I can't know..

 

That is the worst possible news I could have heard. I knew it was possible...but I'm so disappointed.

 

Nothing made sense, but your actions still remain your own, and now I lead a different life.

 

I just want to vomit.. we never had to end..

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I don’t even know where to begin. We were together for 5 years. We were young and you were beautiful. We danced at prom. I asked you to marry me. Now sitting here at 23 lonely, Hurt, upset. I don’t know what to do. I Hate you but I still hold on because I really love you. You could spit in my face and I would still love you. You called me up randomly and said you didn’t want me anymore to come and get my engagement ring. I did. And I threw it in the ocean off of the pier. It’s been 5 weeks since you told me that. You knew I had issues from jump. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why was it so random? Why wouldn’t you have sex with me? Then I rode by your house and saw a Black New Truck in your driveway. I love you so much Woman. I’d die for you and you betrayed me. Why can’t we work it out? Is it because I’m going off to college? WHY BABY? WHYYYYY? Because I wasn’t good enough for you. I’m sure when your sleeping with him I hope you remember all the memories we have made. Screw you I hate you.

 

 

I love you,

 

Cam

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I cant help but notice how much BETTER I did after I left you. Once I distanced myself from your anger, resentment, criticisms and insults about my autistic toddler son-- and surrounded myself with people who TRULY love me, my life flourished. I am living in a much bigger house than you are(6 bdrms, 4000 square feet). My home is in a much better neighborhood than yours too- the subdivision you live in is like the ghetto compared to where I'm living. Lots of car traffic pass through your subdivision day and night-- then you got the busy, noisy intersections of Raines Rd as well as Winchester nearby. Where I live at, it's so quiet, all day every day, that you can literally hear crickets. I live in a neighborhood of $300,000 homes. I upgraded to a brand new car off the showroom floor so that you wont recognize me when I'm out in traffic. I'm flying below the radar these days and making myself unrecognizable. And I didnt need a man to help me accomplish any of these things. I focused on loving myself and learning to be alone-- and the universe responded in kind.

 

It's funny because in your eyes, I was a loser with a bunch of kids. You thought that you were my only hope of a better life-- and that I should be grateful to be with you. As it turned out, I'm out here living better than YOU. I'm going back overseas at tax time, and I'm about to have cosmetic surgery.

 

Too bad that you only saw the worst in me-- because all I wanted was the right man to love me, not tell me to get the F away. I just went about it all wrong. But I'm glad that you told me to get F away from you-- I chose to focus on bettering my life.

 

It's funny how you made fun of Adrian filing bankruptcy to keep her house- but then you had to turn around and do the same thing yourself. Her house is bigger than yours too and in a much nicer subdivision than yours is too. When she left you alone, she went on and did better than you. And so did I.

 

I'm moving on from this forum at enotalone and wont be visiting here too much more. I got to vent here about you but now I dont even feel the need to do that anymore. I suffered extreme PTSD after being with someone so vengeful, vindictive and fake as you. You taught me what I DONT want in a partner- you are physically abusive- you choked me; you used my insecurities and secrets against me. You played brain soup with me with your gaslighting and mind games until I got fed up. You snort cocaine regularly and it makes you even more hostile and violent. You are extremely insecure and need validation to feel better about yourself. Then you picked on my autistic toddler son- and thats when I realized that my relationship with my kids father wasnt nearly as bad as being with you was. So I'm not jealous of your next woman- I pity her.

 

You cried victim- when all you had to do was walk away. And you slept with other women while we were involved. I was wrong in not being honest upfront but when you finally understood what you were involved in, you willingly stayed for 2 years. In the end, I was the one who ended what we had for good. As much as you hated and resented me, you still wanted to keep me around for sex-- so again, you're not a victim. You're always the hero or the victim, never at fault for anything. You cant blame me for what you chose to tolerate in YOUR life. I'm so glad that I gave my life to the Lord and changed my life. I'm closing that chapter on you here forever tonight.

Edited by smJackson
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I think I may have passed u while on the coast today. Either way the guy really looked like you and was looking down. I would have assumed u were on a trip overseas. What a mad coincidence if it were you.

 

Why did u message me again? This is what, the 7th time you have since I cut u off.

 

I won't be replying. U and I both know this.

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I’m laying here in my rack on the boat wishing I was with you instead of here. We talk every day, video chat, very few days, it’s like we are starting all over again. I can’t tell you how I feel yet bc I don’t want to scare you off but simply put I love you, always have always will

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I forgot to mention that Faulkner has never ever touched me except to hug me a few times. I told you what I told you to distract you from the attention that he gave me after your verbal and physical abuse. We've never had sex of ANY kind, we've never even kissed. He did tell me to get away from you and he did try to steal me away from you- he was shooting his shot but I never gave him the time of day.

 

Ricardo told me 2 weeks ago that you are no longer at Security One. (He paid for my hotel rooms when I was homeless and while you lived alone in a 4 bedroom house-- never offering your home to me and my "retarded" child- he sheltered me when nobody else did and he will always be a lifelong friend) I may choose to return there at some point in the future- but Amazon pays me $25 per hour. You are no longer there to bad talk me to everyone else so I feel safe to return there should I need a job in the future. I withdrew my job application from MLGW so that we wont cross paths.

 

Your girls lost a lot of respect and admiration for you after your arrest. They still love you, of course. But they also realized that maybe their mother wasnt as bad as they thought she was. After seeing what happened with us- they understood what their mother had went through in her relationship with you. They had more love and sympathy for her. When she fell ill with cancer, they may have wondered whether your brutal beatings shortened her life span by a few years.

 

But they are women. You raised them to never allow a man to beat them, while you busted eardrums in women, put a pistol in your exes mouth, choked me and put your hand on your gun on that night(which is a felony and that's why you were arrested) but they know that you are an abuser and that's a stigma that will follow you for the rest of your life. They love you but they will never ever view you through the flawless lens that they did before. They know how you treat women behind closed doors and they cant "unknow" that. Your youngest daughter is so disappointed in you- you aren't the man that she thought that you were.

 

We were abusive to each other and just toxic but you brought the physical abuse dynamic into the relationship. I never provoked you, got in your face or touched you first. We had a very intense relationship and there was never a dull moment between us. I knew that marriage and stability was something you'd never see me a worthy of or good enough for. After you targeted my toddler son and called him retarded, I knew that I could never feel safe bringing my kids around you. Men like you---who target innocent children-- when they are angry at their mother-- will kill those children. We see it everyday on the news. There was no real hope for us so why continue to waste my life and my time with you?

 

Rollercoaster is the only way to describe our dynamic. But whomever I'm with, it's going to be a rollercoaster- no doubt about that. But I am much more stable with my meds, my new 4000 sq ft home, and my new career. I have too much to lose now.

 

I must admit, its times like this that I wish that I could just call you up and chat for old times sake. Your sole mission was to hurt me, and hurt me you did. Rather than just leaving me alone, you set out to use me for sex and get revenge while you groomed your new woman. Did you really think that my self worth was THAT low? I have men shooting for me on a daily basis- in person and over the internet. I wasnt going to keep tolerating your cruelty-- when I have countless men vying for my attention. But i didnt want their attention, I wanted yours. And for the entire months of May and June, you didnt call or return my calls much. So I learned how to live without you during this time. You dropped Adrian for Pam, then dropped Pam for Vicki. Did you really think I was going to hang around for the same treatment? Hell no, and Pam never got over catching you at Vicki's house and I'm sure that's why she went on and left you alone too. All you did was compare me to Pam anyway- but she rode the ship to the bottom of the sea, whereas I jumped ship earlier.

 

When you told me to stay the F away from you and get out of your personal space, and drew your fist back to hit me, that was the straw that broke the camels back. I did what you wanted me to do and I walked out of your life forever. You CANNOT say such things to someone with BPD or abandonment issues. YOU JUST MIGHT GET YOUR WISH-- for we dont hang around where we aren't wanted. We've felt unwanted and unloved for all of our lives and we run from people who remind us of these core wounds.

 

That's exactly what you have not seen or heard from me in 6 months. For as close as we once were, I never imagined that I would live 3 miles from you and never desire to make contact. But then I remember what happened the last time I stopped by your house- and how you drew your fist back at me- I remember the hatred I saw in your eyes. I remember that love no longer lived for me at your address. And so I continue to drive by your house without any longing or desire to stop.

Edited by smJackson
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Three and a half weeks apart now, and back in my own apartment after being home with friends and family for the holidays. They have saved me during this ordeal. While alone in our respective cities, we would always skype at times like these, just leaving the connection on while going about our business. The first night back is difficult after the progress I made at home, but that's to be expected. Habits are hard to break. I won't have any trouble sleeping tonight, but I still miss you.

 

The last few weeks have given me perspective after all the hurt and anger, and I keep uncovering ways I could have better handled the last two months with you. I think I pushed you into walking away. These realizations make me want to reach out even more, to let you know I've discovered what went wrong, what I can now do to improve, but I know the breakup is still fresh, and that the both of us still need space and time to gain more clarity. I know you're the only one who can choose to change your mind, but I wish you had sought out my opinion and help before unilaterally deciding our outcome.

 

We agreed that we would give it 60 days to speak to each other, and it has been 11. I'm comforted by the fact that tonight is my first night alone from family since you walked away, so it will be the hardest of many of the nights to come. I so hope that I'm no longer in so much pain when you call; otherwise, I will not pick up. I miss you, I miss having you, of belonging to you. I am a little lost without you, but each day I allow myself to notice that the discomfort becomes more bearable. Resisting the urge to call you becomes easier and easier each day. I know we can't be together now, and that I'm not thinking clearly. We shared everything, so it's painful to be unable to tell you any of this. That week we broke up was hard on both of us; both of our judgments were impaired when we made our decisions, chose the words we used. I have enough distance to know that confiding in you now would just push you further away, and hurt me more in the process.

 

I am bearing the pain better and better each day. I am finding the pieces of myself that I lost, as I slowly made you the center of my world. Overtime, I let her go, and I now realize that she became lost to you too. Before even looking for you again, I will find her and get her back. I miss her dearly as well.

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  • 2 weeks later...

We nearly bumped into each other again. You were only like 10 seconds of steps away from me so it's getting super weirdly coincidental, almost like it couldn't have been a coincidence. Dunno why you messaged me again after bombarding my phone in the early hours week and a half ago, by now it should be more than clear I won't ever speak to you again.

 

I really am completely over you, it's such a strange feeling.

I still remember how I helpless I'd felt for so so so long...But that was once upon a time.

 

Now it's all faded and I am completely free.

Edited by Honeycomb8
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It’s coming up on a year pretty soon. Probably that long since I touched you. I’m doing ok I guess. The waves still come but when they do there is more time between them. But when they hit, they hit. The memories, the thoughts of what could’ve been, the longing.

 

I feel that I should’ve been over you long ago. I still hope that one day you’ll look back wirh regret at your decision. I hope that I’ll hear from you. Just something to show that I meant something to you. Some credit for being better than you made me out to be. Anything. I’m pretty sure that day will never come, short of a miracle from God.

 

I just can’t believe it happened to me at this age. I thought I was stronger and more hardened than I am. I didn’t expect this. I’m not all that happy with my life. This year has led to a lot of self discovery. A lot of pain, loneliness, and hopelessness. I can’t imagine ever replacing you. Regardless of my bad feelings, I can’t take away from how special you were to me. I guess I can at least say that I am somewhat at peace with that and no longer need to vilify you that much.

 

I’ll just keep trudging along. Maybe it will be just a distant memory one day. Until then, I still love and miss you.

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I broke down and looked at your Facebook page. God I just miss you so much. Now that I’ve been sufficiently torn down to my core, I can see how I handled things so wrong. I thought I was doing things right and justified in my actions. I just let all the surface issues rule my mind and forgot how much I truly adored you. Now I’m left with such an empty void. Nothing means anything to me anymore. There is no more color. If only I could’ve stepped back and seen things objectively. I’ll never stop loving you. Sometimes that person just comes along in your life that you never let go of.

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Dear **,

 

So, I found out that he boyfriend-busted somebody else, some girl he had been abusing/manipulating for years. I found out that her reasons for breaking up with someone were basically identical to what you were telling me for your reason.

 

All those made-up incompatibilities, the lies about who I am/was and everything..

 

**, he lied to you. :/ You should have just talked to me about everything.

 

What a waste. I want this drama past me.

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I asked you to give me time and distance to heal from this breakup. You contacted me shortly afterwards to ask if I wanted the gifts you got me, a message with some implied urgency. The following two nights, I suggested we meet for me to receive the gifts. Both times, you told me you were busy. You then said ‘early next week’. The following week, I did not hear from you as planned.

It is yet another let down. I do not need this, and have never needed this. I have never deserved to be treated with the contempt and neglect you have treated me with in the last several months. Rather than showing compassion, being a loving partner and providing companionship during the most difficult period of my life, you consistently showed up late, and were neither emotionally or physically responsive to me, often saying extremely unkind things. I found myself lowering my boundaries and sabotaging myself again and again in a bid to preserve a relationship that was well past its sell-by date. I understand that this must be difficult to comprehend for someone who is unable to access any deep emotions, but I am working on piecing myself back together. Allow me to deal with my grief in peace. You have not served me for so long, if only I had realised that. My life has no place for you in it.

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I gave you 3 years. 3 years of my ALL. How are you so okay with throwing it all away? Even after all the pain I’ve been through, I’m still here. Fighting. How can you tell me you love me but don’t have any will to fight for us anymore? The rejection is eating me up inside. I can’t breathe.

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So you texted me again this early morning (6am is alittle too much don't you think?). You don't need to update me on when you're leaving.

 

Just go already lol none of this is any of my concern. No I don't want to see you before you go-don't you get it? 20 messages later, no response from my side-I just don't care anymore so have a nice life and bye.

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Hey. I feel awkward reaching out to you bec, well, you seem to have just disappeared. I’m not angry but it was confusing. I thought we had at least open lines of communication. Not sure what’s going on but whatever it is, I hope you’re fine. Be well.

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My new friend girl Hope (that has psychic abilities) told me that she had a vision of you arguing with your new woman. And that you told her that you were going to kill yourself. I'm glad that she confirmed what I had been suspecting before I went no contact 6 months ago. That's why you were so hateful and cruel to me- because you had someone else. It's the fact rhst you were so cruel to me is what bothered me about that. I already had closure in a sense- last summer when I gave up on trying to love you and let you go. Now I can REALLY let go. I've got to get busy dating again. I also thought I saw you pull out in traffic at riverdale and Winchester a couple of weeks back. Lol.

 

I've been so focused on myself that I hadn't done too much dating. When I'm single, I get more accomplished and I focus better. I got a new job, a new car and a new house all in the course of 6 months. I will eventually settle down and get married once I learn to cook a little bit better. I'm preparing myself to be a wife. I'm exercising while I deliver these packages daily, and i deliver in all parts of town. I pray that I dont get your street or address to deliver to. I'm also focused on bettering my image with dental work as well as my body image. I'm focused on getting my Brazilian buttlift and tummy tuck surgery for this spring. I'm focused on me for now, but I do have a fwb. I'm going overseas this summer and I need the body and smile to match. This surgery will also open me up to a larger dating pool of men- just like moving to this new neighborhood and getting my new career has done. Anyway, I can truly say that I dont love nor hate you. I wish you and your new woman all the best. I hope you wish the same for me.

Edited by smJackson
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