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Nynnja
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J,

Waking up to a missed call from you. Only to see “oops my fault I’m sorry” made my heart race this morning. First seeing your name flash across the screen, only to be let down because it was an accident.

I told you how much i was hurting yesterday but you never responded. How can you reach out to me, tell me you love me, then just stop responding. Part of me feels like you didn’t accidentally call. Like you did it on purpose. To remind me you’re there. To give me some hope and snatch it away. Breadcrumbing.

I won’t respond. I won’t respond. I won’t respond. If I say it enough times I will make it true.

If you don’t want to be with me, stop contacting me, J.

Almost a month since you broke my heart. Still hurts like day one.

Day 2 no contact. *sigh* please don’t reach out anymore.

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So I saw your post on facebook tonight. You said to your friends that you were a woman of mystery .... unbelievable ..... what you mean is that you lie to your friends .... you lied to them for the 6 months we were together !!! Lied to your family .... lied to everyone in your world. And then you go on to say how you don't have a free weekend for the rest of the year !! I'm so glad you have such a wonderful life! Such a fake life !!

So tonight I have taken control and deleted you from facebook. I don't want to see what is going on in your wonderful fake life !!! It is just too tempting to tell your friends the truth, no matter what I think of you I wouldn't want to do that to you.

So I need to move on. You probably won't notice, but it's over. No going back. I need to move on from you.

Go live your fake life with your fake friends and carry on lying to your family as long as you like. I'm glad not to have any involvement in your life any more. You're on your own and you know what you have lost and you know that it's your loss. You will never find someone like me again. I was there for you. I would have given you anything and everything. I would have loved you and been there for you. But you throw me away.

You didn't want me in my life ... well apart from as a friend !!! I don't think so. I don't want to be friends with people who can't tell the truth. People who can't be honest with themselves.

So it's done. Over. You are on your own. And I know how you will be feeling. I know how you will be feeling at night, in the dark, when there is no one else to listen to your fakeness. You will doubt yourself, you will be afraid and scared. But it was your decision. Your choice. So you made your bed, now lie in it.

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J,

I gave in last night. :( you reaching out to me three days ago has really messed with my head. You asking to meet and me telling you no, I laid in bed wondering if I’d regret that decision. I was proud of myself for saying no but it was eating me up.... so I texted. A lousy 2 days of no contact. Haha.

It’s been a month since the break up. I asked if we could finalize everything over a phone call. You dumped me after a year over text.... maybe I can’t move on because of that... maybe if I just heard your voice tell me we couldn’t be together....? It could help me.

But you didn’t want to call. You wanted to see me face to face. When we broke up in January we met at that Mexican place, because you begged me to. It’s silly that is where you want to go.

I meet you in four days. I have no expectations. I even asked if I should bring your things I have. You said no?

Hoping for the best. Expecting the worst. Even if you tell me goodbye, I will still love you.

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J,

I gave in last night. :( you reaching out to me three days ago has really messed with my head. You asking to meet and me telling you no, I laid in bed wondering if I’d regret that decision. I was proud of myself for saying no but it was eating me up.... so I texted. A lousy 2 days of no contact. Haha.

It’s been a month since the break up. I asked if we could finalize everything over a phone call. You dumped me after a year over text.... maybe I can’t move on because of that... maybe if I just heard your voice tell me we couldn’t be together....? It could help me.

But you didn’t want to call. You wanted to see me face to face. When we broke up in January we met at that Mexican place, because you begged me to. It’s silly that is where you want to go.

I meet you in four days. I have no expectations. I even asked if I should bring your things I have. You said no?

Hoping for the best. Expecting the worst. Even if you tell me goodbye, I will still love you.

 

Bring the things he has when you meet up anyways. It will help both of you process the emotions in the breakup and understand exactly what it means to breakup, move on, or reconcile. Holding onto his stuff, especially given that he said you shouldn't bring him his stuff, will only keep you dangling on a string while he does whatever he wants to. If he doesn't accept them, give them to his family or throw them out.

 

2 days of no contact is fine. Aim for 4 next! Just don't hold onto the stuff.

 

Wishing you well. Because he didn't give you a strong and clear ending, you should create one on his behalf. Giving his stuff back won't put you in any remotely negatively light or position as well. You are not a locker -- you are a person to be respected.

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Even though I realise that you were never emotionally connected to me and never made any effort with my children, I do miss some things about you.

 

I pray to god that I am strong enough to resist the urge to see you and that I move on in life.

 

Good luck for the future. I forgive you.

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I wish you could have just been brave and honest with me from the start... If you didn't see a future with us together or didn't have a spark anymore, why didn't you tell me?

You said that it was hard to say and you didn't want to hurt me, but it ended up prolonging the pain and intensifying it since I kept getting more attached... I was ready to accept less time with you... to be on the backburner for when you did want to see me.

I guess that, while I fell in love with you, you had simply fallen in lust... Once you had me, you didn't have enough attachment to work on the harder times of our relationship. You had so much more experience in relationships, no matter how many and how short. You know how heartbreak felt from the girls that lead you on, that cheated on you and left you for others. I would have had your back in all of the hardest times and wouldn't have any eyes for any other guy.

 

I'll miss you so much, but you've made the decision unilaterally to continue and be unhappy in life. Good luck... I hope I can finally find someone worth my love and dedication.

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Bring the things he has when you meet up anyways. It will help both of you process the emotions in the breakup and understand exactly what it means to breakup, move on, or reconcile. Holding onto his stuff, especially given that he said you shouldn't bring him his stuff, will only keep you dangling on a string while he does whatever he wants to. If he doesn't accept them, give them to his family or throw them out.

 

2 days of no contact is fine. Aim for 4 next! Just don't hold onto the stuff.

 

Wishing you well. Because he didn't give you a strong and clear ending, you should create one on his behalf. Giving his stuff back won't put you in any remotely negatively light or position as well. You are not a locker -- you are a person to be respected.

 

11moreweeks

Thank you, I think that’s a good idea. He told me he “isn’t sure what he wants right now” so I think the best idea is to bring it...you’re very right. If the meeting doesn’t end in reconciliation, I don’t want those things anymore.

At this point I think seeing him face to face will at least put a real ending on things. Texting me from 800 miles away didn’t feel final enough and maybe this will help me let go. I can’t beg him to stay.

 

We texted for about an hour after, laughing and joking like old times. I hope he sees what we had when we meet up.

 

Thank you for the support :)

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11moreweeks

Thank you, I think that’s a good idea. He told me he “isn’t sure what he wants right now” so I think the best idea is to bring it...you’re very right. If the meeting doesn’t end in reconciliation, I don’t want those things anymore.

At this point I think seeing him face to face will at least put a real ending on things. Texting me from 800 miles away didn’t feel final enough and maybe this will help me let go. I can’t beg him to stay.

 

We texted for about an hour after, laughing and joking like old times. I hope he sees what we had when we meet up.

 

Thank you for the support :)

 

Exactly -- if there's no reconciliation, then the stuff just hurts. Honestly, the stuff might hurt even with reconciliation just because breakup pain will linger.

 

As for texting for an hour after, I don't think that's a good idea. One of the benefits of a serious relationship is the friendship -- the person to text a lot, to laugh and joke like old times. If you are providing him that, then it is validating his decision to breakup -- it means that breaking up only gets rid of the aspects of the relationship that he disliked. I did this with my ex, though she was lying to me about why she broke up to begin with. The only end result was that she used it as validation for the breakup and as a means to be comfortable while she started a new relationship with someone else. She seemed to panic when I ended the friendship, but I think that might only be because she was getting "the best of both worlds" -- she was spending almost all her time with me while just starting a relationship with someone else.

 

Breakups should be treated like deaths.

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Exactly -- if there's no reconciliation, then the stuff just hurts. Honestly, the stuff might hurt even with reconciliation just because breakup pain will linger.

 

As for texting for an hour after, I don't think that's a good idea. One of the benefits of a serious relationship is the friendship -- the person to text a lot, to laugh and joke like old times. If you are providing him that, then it is validating his decision to breakup -- it means that breaking up only gets rid of the aspects of the relationship that he disliked. I did this with my ex, though she was lying to me about why she broke up to begin with. The only end result was that she used it as validation for the breakup and as a means to be comfortable while she started a new relationship with someone else. She seemed to panic when I ended the friendship, but I think that might only be because she was getting "the best of both worlds" -- she was spending almost all her time with me while just starting a relationship with someone else.

 

Breakups should be treated like deaths.

 

I agree 100%! I tried to end the convo after I mentioned his stuff but he kept texting. I figured if we could hold a normal conversation it may make the initial meeting up a little more comfortable. But eventually told him I had to go and I’d see him in a few days.

If when i see him at lunch he decides this still isn’t what he wants I plan to tell him we shouldn’t continue contact. I’ve already planned my counter action for whatever he decides to say when we finally see each other. (And have his stuff just in case!!) We live an hour and a half away from one another so I’m not worried about running into him. NC after this meet up (if that’s the decision) should hopefully be easier since I most likely will never see him again.

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You blocked me yesterday. And I’m struggling a lot today. So much. I’m bored out my friends although I mm with my friend at the pub. I want to contact you so bad but I know I shouldn’t and if I do I’m letting myself get more hurt. I want you to contact me but I know you won’t. I’m so angry and upset. Battling with myself to not contact you.

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What made me think of us baking cakes together? I guess there's no way to really know what triggers these mental processes. It was late at night and we were making a batch of vegan cupcakes. We were laughing and joking and having such a sweet, sweet time. Its those little, inconsequential (or so it seemed at the time) events that leave tender memories that are so, so devastating.

The cakes were for your sisters birthday party the next day. At the party you kissed me, and held me, danced with me and loved me. I didn't imagine it, or make it up. I'm not looking at the past through rose tinted glasses. I'm not exaggerating. So many people told me how happy we looked together...how does that just disappear, in what felt like the blink of an eye. How?

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J,

I’m meeting you in two days. I haven’t heard from you since we made the plans a few nights ago and I’m so nervous. Part of me is almost sure this meeting will not go how I wish. You told me you loved me.... and I told you I loved you. I hadn’t said that to anyone in five years. I know this meeting is stupid. I know it could set me back more. But you insisted it needed to happen.... how could I live with the thought that I didn’t go?

Your best friend texted me today and told me he missed me coming around all the time. Your friends miss me... and I miss your friends, too. Why don’t you miss me? Or do you? I’m just so confused and nervous for our meeting.

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I had a great time with you today, lunch was great and worth the 30 minute wait, clothes shopping was fun, I'm glad I could help you change the wiper blades on your Tahoe and I thank you for allowing me to borrow your spare car for the next few weeks. Everything felt great except at the end of the day I had to go home to my own house instead of stay with you. I'm glad it bothered you when I told you I was going on a date tomorrow night, that's what happens when you dump your boyfriend, they move on.

 

Your right, your new boyfriend is not very handy and I can fix just about anything. I'm the better choice.

 

If you'd hurry up and get rid of the new boyfriend we could be together again, you know he's going to flip a gasket when he realizes how much time we spend together as "friends" and dump your ass, why not put him out of his misery and let me back into your life full time where I belong.

 

Love you so much, hopefully everything fixes itself over the coming weeks. I don't really want to date anyone else, I'm just doing it to piss you off, and it was nice to see that it worked. I guess if you can screw other people so can I, maybe someone can teach me some new tricks in bed.

 

Sleep well my angel, I'll see you again early tomorrow morning. Hopefully we can beat these odds. I really do believe we were meant to be together forever.

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Tears fall from my eyes as I type this. Tears of anger and despair because I'm hurting so deeply because of you. The constant anger and resentment you displayed toward me left me no choice but to go no contact. And to abandon any hopes of the future that we planned to have. You were supposed to be my husband-- MY husband, not somebody elses. But you stopped loving me and found yourself unable to forgive. I am wiping my tears away and staying away so that you cannot hurt me anymore. I'll cry a million more tears into my pillow each night getting over you before I ever let you see me cry again. Youd enjoy it too much.

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And again.......... we're back in contact. You're part. You came BACK to me. We are so incredibly toxic and unhealthy for each other but what's worse is we genuinely love each and care for each other unlimited amounts. I know we're both struggling, you're finding it hard to cut the contact as am I. I have my good days and my bad. I went a few days without contact and then you popped up again. I constantly block then unblock as do you. Why can't we both just cut contact? It's getting SO much easier though. I haven't mourned for a while. I feel fine actually. an 8/10?

 

We wanted to see me last night. WHY contact me late at night when you know I have work? I know we used to enjoy spending the evenings together and would stay up till late and watch the stars together but we can't do that anymore. We are both so young A. You will find someone who can treat you right and so will I.

 

Two people can love each other unexplainable amounts but not work as a couple.

 

I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you any longer. It's gotten to the stage where we've tried to fight for so long and a few times it worked, most times failed and look now. I will always care for you. No matter what happens. I pray that we can be friends in the near future because you were my best friend before we were together.

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One of the worst things about being apart...as well as the blindingly obvious of missing you more than I ever thought possible, is that I just want to know how you are. I want to know how your day to day life is going. I want to know about the niggles at work. The issues with your kids. The conflicts with your sisters. How your commute was. How your painful hip is feeling. If you'd like a cup of coffee.

It's that little everyday stuff, that I am now excluded from, that feels so important and which I now feel is lost to me, a whole life forever lost.

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The last day when I drove you to port and you walked onto the ship crying, I stayed strong and honestly did not feel too bad. I think I was deluding myself from reality. Not thinking that you would be gone for four months.

 

The delusion was short-lived and I drunk so heavily because I was lost without you. For the first time in years I allowed someone in, that someone was you. Unhealthily I depended on your love and you being the recipient of my own solely placed on you. No family members had received any of my affections for years nor would I allow myself to accept their love. Thus, you got it all. I too unknowingly demanded the same from you.

 

Learning about a healthy 'normal' life comprising of elements of each major aspect of one has shown to me how messed up I was. When you left, my world literally fell apart as the meaning I had given my life was to love you. You became my meaning. I didnt know baby. I didnt realise what I was doing and how messed up I was.

 

Lying to you when you told me you were worried about my drinking. Would sit on the chair outside where we would sit, watch the water, listen to music as I stroked your hair just you werent there and I would get drunk, cry - rinse repeat.

 

Then the day came when you were back. I could see you on the ship so excited, literally jumping up and down and you jumped into my arms and I held you. I dont know why but I felt numb. I felt so strange. Perhaps I couldnt allow myself to feel and be happy you were back for feeling you may leave again.

 

Started pretty well. We went to dinner with your mum and whats her face, Kim I think and I drove us. Wasnt drinking. You were proud.

 

It wasnt long. The mayweather fight. That was the start of the end. I got so drunk and ed it up. Broke your heart and you ended it. I got you back but it wasnt the same. I couldnt stop drinking.

 

For a few weeks I have felt over you and this morning, tears. Searching in my heart for answers knowing in my mind the right thing to do is to let you go and not go over this old ground. It wont matter what I have learnt and how I understand so much more. It is too late. Paying the price for my behaviour is appropriate and right.

 

Perhaps there is an energy and I am somehow giving it to you through thinking about all this. Perhaps you feel it.

 

Would give anything to hold you this morning, kiss the top of your head as I used to whilst you cling into me enveloped by my arms.

 

I hope you are happy, you are a beautiful person and deserve it.

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What the actual f*ck. Drive 40 odd miles away, have a nice meal, sit on a bank overlooking the beach and you walk past... Why arent you in work? Why would you pick today of all days? Why would you make a fair bit of noise - so I could notice you and your buddy??

 

Was close to messaging you. I wont because it hasnt changed anything. Just a coincidence. An annoying one.

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J,

I’m meeting you today. Judging by our conversation last night, you’re excited to see me. I’m excited to see you, too. It’s been almost two months since we’ve seen each other face to face. I told you last night I had to go to sleep, on the phone. (I was too wine drunk to not mistakingly blurt out my feelings) and you begged me to stay and talk. But I didn’t.

Today though, makes my stomach do flip flops. You haven’t denied this meeting is for closure. You keep saying “one last time”. Is that what our lunch date is, today? Just one last time?

I’ve prepared myself. If that’s what you tell me, I’ll disappear. You won’t see me or hear from me again if you want to play games. If you want to be my “friend”. Or especially if you just want a friend you can sleep with. She won’t be me.

You sent me a friend request last night on fb. It’s still sitting in my pending requests. Today’s meeting determines the rest of me and you.

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