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In the rare moments of clarity, I can see I idealized you. I idealized us and the relationship. It was truly good many times, but it was also bad. Many times. The good couldnt truly justify the bad. I can see that clearly. I am just afraid of facing life, really. Without you. Without all my dreams and hopes of a life together, or of a life not alone. I guess I feel you got me, when no one else would? But maybe not really as it turns out. I dont know,it just hurts, there is like an emptiness, like there is no purpose to anything? The mornings are the worst, every time and every day. I dont want to get up and face the day, and then strangely enough it does get better, sometimes, as the day goes on. Sometimes. The evenings are no better, unless Im truly tired. I miss us. And I dont at the same time. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

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I feel so sad having had to leave what was our apartment because of you, for the second time. I feel sad we never invested in buying a few stuff for any apartment we've owned, because you always

It is seven weeks since you ended us. In fairness it was the correct move. Enough was enough. Why has it today been especially difficult? I believe because I was quite sure you would have reached out by now. You have not. Will you? I dont honestly know.

 

I dont honestly know if i would/could take you back now anyway. I suspect it would be the same for you. Much more time needs to pass and if our paths cross again sorta thing right?

 

I was so close to searching online today, ALMOST stalked you and him but I did not. I held strong, I am so proud I did. What if I found something, anything, what if I did not find something, anything. Dissecting all this gives me a serious headache - so stop? If it could be that easy.

 

I felt I was doing great, I am doing great, accept the good times and the bad. I wish I could walk to your place and knock on the door for you to greet me with watery eyes, embrace me. Maybe nothing would be spoken, nothing would need to be spoken. I miss you a great deal baby.

 

Was giving serious thought to looking at downloading that putrid thing tinder this weekend. I guess I will wait until Easter. That isnt so long to wait.

 

Still running ever day. I wish you could see me, looking better than I guess you would have seen me in a long time. you would have seen the photo on facebook as you are buddy buddy with jess. You didnt like it. Im glad. You are still friends with steve too - now that is a head scratcher! God damn it, stop analysing.

 

Bad day. Just let it go. Let you go. Walk away and keep your dignity is what I know to be the best thing I can do and AM doing it. Just finding it very difficult today.

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Twice today I have really wanted to contact you. The good times were great. The bad times were horrible. Some were my fault, some were yours, but none of them deserved the scorn and abuse I got. I still miss you though in spite of that and the silent treatments. I'm telling this to the void not you though.

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I've been missing you a lot this past week. There's so many things I want to share with you. I miss sharing my life with you and taking so much joy in all these random things with you.

 

I just got back a midterm grade -- I got 100%. It was a pretty simple midterm, but it's good that I scored well. I'm maintaining control of my classes this semester and it's only a matter of time until I graduate. 8 more weeks and I will finally be in control of my own well-being. I wish I could be happier with my own success, though -- doing well makes me unhappy. I used to try to do well for you, working as hard as I could for you.. without you, I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing.

 

My diet and exercise routine is going...okay. I'm having good weeks and non-productive weeks. I've lost 60% of the weight I'd wanted to, and I'm starting to receive compliments for working out again. I wish I could have you hug my arm and say "my muscle" again, but I guess you're doing that with your new boyfriend now. I haven't been going to the gym as consistently as before, as I'm trying to make a transition to staying on campus basically all day just to avoid home stress, but I am still going 2-4 times a week. I've also started going to the campus gym with some friends and I've started playing racquetball. It's super fun and I wish I could play it with you. I hope as the weather warms up that I can bike to campus again -- doing that would help me maintain a good exercise regime.

 

As for diet, I'm forcing myself to be brave enough to actually use the kitchen while my mother's around so I can start being more consistent with it again. When cooking on Monday night, it was both hard to hear and terrifying as she was both mourning the loss of a relationship with me (it's too hard and painful to interact with her now, and honestly, I don't want to) while simultaneously talking about how I need to be gotten rid of somehow; however, those were just things she'd repeat alongside the regular insanity about hating license plates, Elvis Presley, and whatever else the schizophrenia makes her think of. I cooked tonight as well and she kept singing with an imitation of a deep bass voice for men, and while I'm sorry for always feeling anxious when you'd sing, I'm more sorry on behalf of the universe for making things align that way -- I don't think I did anything wrong by hurting and needing time and sanctity to recover. You would have loved what I'd cooked, though -- spicy Mexican-style red and black beans with well-seasoned fajitas-style pork.

 

As for home life, as you can probably tell.. it's been bad. I'm afraid for my life and it's really hard to keep moving forward, but I will push through.

 

I can promise that I'm not going to start a relationship with anyone for a long time -- probably until 2020 or later, so after or during graduate school. I want to be sure that I am not too attached to you to healthily be with someone else -- I absolutely refuse to hurt somebody. I can't promise much else, though. At least it's a confidence boost.

 

Keep working hard. I expect straight A's from you again this semester. Stay safe and healthy, and keep working towards your long-term well-being.

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Omg.. I know way too much and you would yourself if you knew what I knew. I find it amusing because I am so far away and you assume too stupid to be that clued in. Oh well.. Haha. Still no contact.. well over a year and half ( I think??????) even though I got calls, texts and emails to bait me.

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Omg.. I know way too much and you would yourself if you knew what I knew. I find it amusing because I am so far away and you assume too stupid to be that clued in. Oh well.. Haha. Still no contact.. well over a year and half ( I think??????) even though I got calls, texts and emails to bait me.
stay strong! that's a long fight!
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i WISH TO GOD I'D DONE THIS for the last few months instead of bombarding my ex with desperate emails and texts..but heartbreak makes you crazy. Still, if you lose your self respect alongside the loss of the partner it's too much to bear. Not a good situation. Great idea - thank you :)

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Wow, what a night. Not the worst night of all, but definitely one of the worst... I guess 10, of the last couple years.

 

Grandmother's got cuts and bruises, mother was throwing things at my grandmother, broken glass and broken dishes are all over the house, she pulled a knife out of the drawer while I was waiting for the cops and recording audio while washing dishes (to be present but non-threatening as possible. I didn't realize this, she was a couple feet from me. I coulda been stabbed.) She answers the door when the cops are there with a knife, starts threatening them, has to get tased. The floor has been burned the taser wire too.

 

I don't understand you, or why you broke up with me. I'm just kinda like, "well, screw me, right?"

 

Things will be okay for me some day. I always wanted to share what I was working towards with you for how much you were there for me. I don't think you deserve it anymore.

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I can understand both points of view on this subject. On the one hand, language should be watched because it's polite and respectful to those that don't use that sort of language. On the other hand, it does tone down your emotional release when you have to stop and think about what you're writing instead of just letting it all flow out while you're screaming it at your computer screen.

 

I think this forum self-censors some words. It censored out W-T-F until I put the dashes in-between letters

 

Lol.... After Monday, and Tuesday even the calendar says W-T-F! That's all I could think of when I read your post. :p

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I miss you so much. I miss us. I dont know how to get out of this and how to push through, but I have to find a way. Everything feels to bleak and hopeless today. I had to stay home to work, my eyes and face were a mess this morning, still are. I have barely gotten out of bed, just trying to type away on the laptop and take ocassional calls for work. I know you know I saw your new FB account and the few girls you added. One of them, I recognize the name, from your past. I know you had a fling with her before me... hopefully only before me. Who knows. I dont know anymore. I guess it doesnt matter. Everytime I think I know you, I realize I dont, I never did, and that is one of the many reasons why we could never be again. I dont trust you. The sad thing is that you have no idea how much I trusted you before, it would have never ever crossed my mind that you would betray me. And I thought your hot temper would subside at some point with enough love and patience.

 

I get it, you are moving on. A lot better than I am obviously, but that is valid. It hurts. You said you would wait, that you would work on yourself and whatnot, and always love me. But not really, another proof if I ever needed one, that words mean nothing. Mostly for people who are naturally explosive and unpredicatble. FB truly is the devil, I dont even have a FB, I just went looking through it searching your name, and look what I found. I deserve it. I'll deactivate my fake account and see how I can change the password to something I cant remember. I used to have that account to log onto some websites that require FB, now I dont care, I dont even use them anymore.

 

I just wanted to vent a little, pour my heart out a little. So yes Im hurting a lot, I havent slept well in I dont know how long, I havent eaten or drunk water today, and I feel like Im back to square 1. But maybe not, maybe this little insignificant thing is what I needed to help me push forward just a little bit more, just a tiny bit stronger, even if today feels like the world is meaningless. Maybe. If only all the beautiful happy memories of what felt to me like true intimacy, not just physical, but emotional, deep level emotional, if only they could stop playing in my mind like an effinng movie. Everytime I close my eyes, I see you. Even if I sleep, dreams or nightmares, and I'll wake up crying or scared. I still wake up almost every morning thinking you are next to me, and then the realization has to come all over again. Some days are better than others. Most days are bad. Today is particularly painful.

 

Even though it hurts to think about it, I hope you dont contact me again for anything. Each time is a new little cut I make to myself, either in the form of some delussional fragment of hope of something that could never be given everything that has happened, or a reminder of everything that has happened and why it could never be. And yet, I still feel so weak that I believe that if you came saying and doing all the right things, I would take you back. But you cant come back doing and saying all the right things, simply because you dont truly regret anything or find fault in anything you've done, not really, not deep down. That is why last year my pain wasnt enough, and my willingness to forgive you wasnt enough. You actually took them as a license to cause more pain. I actually reinforced your behavior and told you with my forgiveness "all of that is perfectly fine, the betrayal and the emotional abuse, all fine". I thought it would bring us closer somehow, that we could rebuild stronger from there, but I was very wrong and did everything wrong. I dont regret our time together as a whole, but I do regret not having ended 7 months earlier.

 

We live and learn that's all. Live and learn. I hope this pain ends some time soon.

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I am so tempted tonight to contact you both from anger and pain. And longing. Yes I still miss you in spite of what happened and what was said. But I didn't. Posting here then powering off phone and locking it up until tomorrow. I have been doing that so I don't contact even though I blocked number. And put away stamps so no temptation to mail anything. I loved you. So much. It was crazy to fall that fast and crazier still to overlook the red flags. But I did. And now I must clean up my own mess and dress my own self inflicted wounds. You have a very good side and a really, really mean side. Both are killing me tonight.

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Really getting frustrating when you are driving behind me. Surely it cant happen as often as it does ? What the hell.

 

I dont get why it has to be this way. I lie. I do. I dont know why I was such a frigging idiot.

 

I want to contact you so bad.

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Really getting frustrating when you are driving behind me. Surely it cant happen as often as it does ? What the hell.

 

I dont get why it has to be this way. I lie. I do. I dont know why I was such a frigging idiot.

 

I want to contact you so bad.

 

I was about to post from opposite side of this. Me and ex both live off one of the main roads here. Ended up behind her car today and it sucked. I turned off early from where I was headed, sat for a few, then drove on. Felt guilty even though both the university and medical district on same main road so it makes sense occasionally would end up bumping into each other. Really, really wanted to contact to explain that to her and nothing untoward meant at all. That was just excuse though as mainly just wanted to talk to her for a few to see if the nice side was there today. Hang in there. It's hard. I know for a fact it is so, so hard, but long run we will be better off having healed.

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I was about to post from opposite side of this. Me and ex both live off one of the main roads here. Ended up behind her car today and it sucked. I turned off early from where I was headed, sat for a few, then drove on. Felt guilty even though both the university and medical district on same main road so it makes sense occasionally would end up bumping into each other. Really, really wanted to contact to explain that to her and nothing untoward meant at all. That was just excuse though as mainly just wanted to talk to her for a few to see if the nice side was there today. Hang in there. It's hard. I know for a fact it is so, so hard, but long run we will be better off having healed.

 

It really does suck. We work on the same base and probably seen/driven past/behind each other fifteen times in two months? I am really finding it hard to come to terms with this is where I find myself and where we have got to. She has made her decision and there is not a thing I can say to alter where we are. Just walk away and heal. I could write "If in the future our paths cross..." But know I will probably be berated for entertaining hope. Hope is something I want to let go of and simultaneously do not.

 

I even find myself overtaking cars to put distance between us and she follows, at speed. Its almost as though its a game yet we both dont know the rules? Am I trying to outrun her? Is she trying to say "Im still here and you cant shake me off?" - I dont have answers to questions that I realise should not matter but to me, they do.

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In the rare moments of clarity, I can see I idealized you. I idealized us and the relationship. It was truly good many times, but it was also bad. Many times. The good couldnt truly justify the bad. I can see that clearly. I am just afraid of facing life, really. Without you. Without all my dreams and hopes of a life together, or of a life not alone. I guess I feel you got me, when no one else would? But maybe not really as it turns out. I dont know,it just hurts, there is like an emptiness, like there is no purpose to anything? The mornings are the worst, every time and every day. I dont want to get up and face the day, and then strangely enough it does get better, sometimes, as the day goes on. Sometimes. The evenings are no better, unless Im truly tired. I miss us. And I dont at the same time. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

 

I 100% feel same way, loneliness can be crushing

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You,

 

You messaged me last weekend. You hope I’m doing well and you thought of me. I didn’t reply. It’s not because I don’t care about you, because I do. I care about you deeply. And I miss you so much. But I know if I reply, it’ll only hurt me more.

 

You are still in love with her, your ex fiancée. It pains me to say it but there’s no room in your heart for me. Which hurts badly because I made room in my heart for you. You led me to believe you were ready. You weren’t. I really wish you had told me sooner... because, well...

 

I was falling in love with you.

 

Please, stop giving me false hope. No more breadcrumb texts about how you wish me well or didn’t mean to cause me any pain. Don’t tell me how much of an amazing woman you think I am. Don’t wish me all the happiness in the world. You did cause me pain, whether intentional or not. My heart is burning. My chest feels empty. You didn’t tell me you still loved her. It’s unfair to me that you keep holding on to something you don’t really want. Me.

 

I’ll never be her. I’ll never be the girl you were with for 9 years of your life and proposed to. We were starting our story from the beginning, from page one. But it never got past the first paragraph. I can’t be compared to her.

 

If you ever get over her and come running back to me... please, please, please... open up your heart. Don’t let her stay there forever. I will never be someone’s number two. I want you to want me. I want you to love me. I want to be loved.

 

Yours truly,

 

Me.

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