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Hey, I'm still hurting from what you did to me. I realized you didn't love me, painful truth to accept but necessary nonetheless. I've been dying to tell you about how I got a scholarship for Europe, how I lost ten pounds, how I made two new awesome friends, how I've been wanting to do shirt filming. I found awesome songs, pictures,mtexts and places I wish I could show you. I went to therapy and I was told I didn't have a disorder, it's just that I'm hurt and resented. It was relieving to know. I also miss you a lot, then I remember what you did to me, and then I feel disgusted. I know you'll never see it as betrayal, but it was. I hope we both move on happily and are able to become friends someday in a few years but please never tell me if you fall in love with someone else, not again .

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Why do you resent me so much? I was a good wife to you. I cooked, I kept house, I was loyal, all you had to do was utter u wanted me or give me a look and I threw myself at you. I didn't do anything to make you hate me so. Yet you do. Why? You have to tell me or I'm going to beat myself up over this.

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I understand, but I don't. If you were so intent on making me your wife I don't understand how you could just drop me in my darkest moment, a moment I jumped into to be with you. This would have been a minute in a lifetime.

Stop telling me you'll always love me, it's confusing, and upsetting. I'm so hurt, and annoyed that everything reminds me of you.

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I still think about you all the time. Day 12 no contact. I count everyday, i doubt you do. It was so easy for you to predict what I'd be like when I'm the complete opposite to your ex. As much as it hurts, i have to accept this is your choice. Ive got to respect your wishes and the fact you don't want me. It's so not easy. Hope you never have your soul crushed. You never even gave me a chance. Are you psychic to predict my actions in a relationship. You came on strong and left just as easily. Hope you're happy now. I was a gift. I know how to love. I'm not scared. I didn't mess things up, you did. You shut down and got rid of me. Well done you. You're a true man.

When i finally get over you, you will be a lesson I'll never think about again. It will take a while. I don't fall easily.

Just maybe I'm too good for you! Maybe you're not worthy of me! Coward. Go for some coniving woman then, you must like being treated like crap. I'm not afraid of love, you are!!!

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Not sure why I need to say anything still. I guess I still haven't accepted you are gone, we are gone rather.

I have had a lot on my plate this year, the most ive had ever. I know the month before you left for work i had next to no time available. I was drowning. You asked me how i was going to do it, yet didn't offer any advice even though you have been to uni recently. It scared me and I cried, remember. All I wanted was you to tell me it will be ok. I guess you wondered how this would all work.

Im sorry we both didn't recognised that I was getting bogged down, and I'm sorry i pushed you away at times but I thought you would always be there for me like you were when we met, after all we did love each other. I am sorry If you felt I didn't listen or let you help, I felt you criticized me when i was having a bad day, or struggling to learn something. I wanted a hug, a laugh, just YOU.

 

Im sorry you didn't know it could have been fixed, that it didnt have to be like this. Im sorry I didnt know what was happening. I just want to go back to that camping trip around the island. Those were the best days...

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Day 16 NC. You must be doing so well. Im imagining you very happy. It still bothers me I wasn't worth one damn text. You're so strong but then again you don't care, that's why you're doing so well. I think I'm beginning to feel less pain. I'd rather post here than lower myself to ever reach out to you again. It really is over. No going back. You used me and spat me out when you were done. I dont hate you, i feel sorry for you. You're more lost than you know. You're kids don't even speak to you. I wonder what the real story is. You blame your ex. You even said i was like her, that really insulted me. How dare you. I am me, and you don't deserve such a good woman like me. You said i was fragile. So i had some small issues. Who is perfect? You're not. I am working on loving myself.Doing things. I'm learning to love me all over again. What are you doing? Escaping again. You big man. Thanks for showing me your true colours. ThYou blew it, not me. Don't ever say that to anyone again. Nasty! Goodbye.

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I am so much older than you, my dear Yvonne. I know that is a big reason why you left. I predicted it 3 years ago when you told me that age did not matter. I knew then that I should not get attached to you because you were way too young. But you spent 3 years convincing me to love you unconditionally. 3 years teaching me that the age difference did not bother you. 3 years yelling to the world how much you loved me. You convinced me. I gave my all to you. Then you wake up one morning and say you can't do it any more. After 3 years and 1 month you pop up and say "That's enough" Time to go. I told you how it feels. It feels like I am Forrest Gump and you are Jenny except I am much older than Forrest and I suffer deeper emotional hurt.

 

I am in Philippines. You know I can find a different girl every night. Its not hard but they all want money or something similar. Only you convinced me that my love and attention and companionship were all you need. You CONVINCED me when I tried to tell you the truth. Why did it take you 3 years to figure it out. I don't want any other girls. I don't want to put 3 more years into another relationship to get to the same point we are already at.

 

It just hurts. Some days it hurts more than others but this last couple days have been real bad. You have been gone 10 days now. 10 LOOOONNNNGGGG days. My friends say nothing heals a broken heart like some fresh sex but it doesn't work. Its not the same. Its not you. I can lie in bed with a beautiful, sexy young lady beside me who is trying hard to work her way into my heart and she is very good sexually, BUT SHE IS NOT YOU. I miss you so much.

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Hi Ex

 

It's only been 10 days since we last spoke but it feels like a life time. So much has happened and I'm trying to get back on my feet without you which is the saddest part.

 

I know you're ok and your moving on and despite that breaking my heart I'm not part of it I wish you and Ryan (her son) all the love and happiness in the world and I miss you both everyday but I'm working on me at the moment and Ive always got you both on my mind. I've let go of the hate and frustration I'm just happy my best memories were with you and Ryan

 

Love you both always xxx

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Hi honey. Miss you. I'm fine until its time to go to bed. Its 1:30 in the morning and I am sitting here typing stuff so I don't have to go to bed. When I am in bed all the demons come. I realize the truth that you are cuddled up to someone else. I feel the pain of sleeping here along. Somewhere in the back of my mind all the what-ifs regurgitate into my conscious mind and won't let me sleep. I have a mantra where I ask Jesus to give me peace to sleep just one night and he does when I am really faithful but sometimes I lose faith just enough that the monster thoughts keep coming. They drive me crazy. I don't even want to think about stuff like what you are doing and apart from stories from mutual friends I don't really know what you are up to. I do know that nothing you are doing is in MY best interests and I do know that what you are doing is totally out of my control so I should ignore it and ignore you. I will get there. I have had break ups before. I have been horribly addicted to lovers who dumped me in the past. Now I don't even think of them. When I dig deep I faintly remember the pain I felt when they dumped me but its just an old scar now. One day you will be just an old scar. The day cannot come fast enough to suit me. Yes I still love you. I am not "in love" with you such that I want you back. I just love the good parts of our relationship that filled my cup to the brim. My cup is almost empty now and I am trying to remember how to fill it myself or allow others to add to it. Once my cup is full of goodness from sources outside of your influence then I will know and accept that I don't need you any more. You were my drug of choice. You sedated me so I could not see the harm you were doing to me. You poisoned my mind to the influence of good friends who might tell me what you were doing. And now I realize I must ask the Lord to restoreth my soul, give me peace, forgive your immature and adulterous choices and help me to get one step closer to freedom from my addiction to you. Thank you Lord for one more day. Amen. And now I am off to bed.

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The harder I try, the further away I travel from

The things I want most.. I'm starting to believe in being perpetually single. The one that is good to you; means nothing. Even the alluring bad boy gives me no thrill. The hot bartender, nothing. I'm craving substance, attraction , emotional intimacy and it's just not there. I'm sick and I feel like my life is meaningless which is probably the most entitled first worldthing I could say considering how blessed I know I am I'm not sure what to do forom here. The drinking and numbing has left me literally bedridden and forced to be alone w my depression and my thoughts , my anxiety. I know the only way to win is to give in but giving in feels like a loss too .. I'm not sure if this is part of a plan or if all of this is just a massive mistake I keep making. It's in these moments that my loneliness resonates ... I'm sick, and I only have my brother to call.. my partying roommate has zero desire to hang out w her sick roommate. My "friend" who decided it was time to cross the line wants nothing to do w a sick person who can't go out. I'm very very lucky to have my brother, but I wish I had more friends and I don't know how to make them. Wish I could stop pretending to be whatever I felt I should be to please others . I want to find happiness and love. I want to treat my body w respect and kindness. And my mind that way too..

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Were you ever here? Remember when we had that year when we first got married and you had to stay in az while I lived in co. And we'd get to see each other every other month and when it was time for me to leave how you'd hold me so tight I couldn't breathe? You'd be calling me before I even left the complex. What happened to that? Were we ever together? Were we ever happy?

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Staring at the painting you gave me for valentines day last year. You misspelled the word treasure but i still hung it up. I hate you but I love you. Why did you have to end it right after the New Year??? Most of all you waited for me to take you out to dinner and a movie. Started a fight so I can feel bad and suddenly end up it by saying you are not in love with me?? I treated you like a princess.

 

Next month would have been our anniversary. Now I'm left with a broken heart trying to heal from the pain of feeling like My heart was stomped on. I love you and I hate you at the same time.

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Remember how you used to love me? What ever happened to that?

Today I thought about you... a lot. I hate that I miss you so much, and you probably don't even think about me. I want to get to that day when I no longer feel like I lost you, but instead you feel that you lost me. I wonder if you'll ever try to reach for me again...

How do I throw away our nine years together?

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You told me when you broke up that you loved me. I said well I didnt know, you hardly ever told me. But I did know, I knew from the way you looked at me, or the things you did for me...what i dont know, and maybe i should have asked, is when did you STOP? when did you tap out, how did i not see it??

 

I asked why did you say you loved me when i saw you last before you arrived back from work (before the breakup) you said "to make it easier"

I MEAN ???

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Remember how you used to love me? What ever happened to that?

Today I thought about you... a lot. I hate that I miss you so much, and you probably don't even think about me. I want to get to that day when I no longer feel like I lost you, but instead you feel that you lost me. I wonder if you'll ever try to reach for me again...

How do I throw away our nine years together?

 

You said everything I was thinking this very moment. How do I let go of our 3 years together 😔

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I hate that every Nissan Altima reminds me of you. Today my cousin drove us to the city in her car and it reminded me of yours. The exact same color too. I wonder if you even miss me or do I even cross your mind for a minute.

 

Its been 2 weeks since we last talked. It should get easier with time they say but how do I let go of my bestfriend?

There is a light that never goes out

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