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i was feeling good when i came to work after a heavy mind morning, but now all of a sudden i am feeling so lonely. i still find myself reminiscing about the good times when I should be focusing on myself and on why you are not the one for me. Why did you leave me so alone? you gave up on us. you gave up on us. i miss you.

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What is about me that you perceived as nothing more than a doormat for you to scrub your feet on? Ask anyone else in my life and they'll tell you I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm beautiful, I'm caring, I'm quirky, I will do anything for those that I love, I'm the best mother you could ever ask for for your son...ask you, I'm lazy, I'm worthless, I didn't clean right, I didn't cook right, I didn't grocery shop right, I'm selfish. I couldn't do anything right. All I wanted was love. You gave me control and the feeling of having to ask permission to do anything! Oh, so you took your new girlfriend of 2 months and all of her children on a vacation? That's lovely. I couldn't get you to spend any time with our family in the 5 years we were together because "we don't have the money, I'm too busy with work, I have to do around the house". All I wanted was to feel like a priority in your life, that I mattered to you at all, and now I feel like I didn't matter at all. You were in my life for one reason only, you gave me a beautiful little boy who has become my entire universe. I can only hope and pray that he's nothing like you when he grows up, that he knows when he has the love a good woman and doesn't destroy her with his words. I'll teach him that's not the way to treat a woman, with hate, emotional abuse, control, and making her lose every last ounce of self esteem that she has. I'm finally realizing I'm worth more than you could ever provide and that I deserve all of the moon and stars in the sky...and you're nothing but a piece of dirt on the ground. Have fun with your new family. Have fun with the girl I remember you once calling "crazy". Have a great life with the woman you told me always moves too fast and dates losers and who has now uprooted her kids to move in with you, a guy she barely knew two months ago. Hope you both sleep well in the bed we shared for 5 years. I hope you enjoy spoiling her and her kids with gifts and vacations after telling your daughter you don't have any money to give her for school clothes. And when it doesn't work out because we both know she's nothing more than a rebound, and I'll start getting the I miss you calls, I'll have moved on and will take extreme pleasure in laughing in your face. Even if you'd changed and treated me like gold from then on out, I'll still laugh at you. Because I'll have seen who you really are, a man that claims he'll love me for the rest of his life and will never want anyone else because he'll never be over me, but that can move a new woman into his house and have no regards with how this affects his children. You deserve the replacement sleeping next to you. You deserve each other because you're both pathetic excuses for parents. And when I'm awarded custody of our son, you won't even care, you're too wrapped up in your new life. Take care, loser.

 

Wow, whoever thought of this is a genius, this is more healing than anything else I've done.!

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I had a weird sense something had gone wrong this weekend and things would be different btwn us... I was right. She found out about me and j woke up to a message saying she was going to send me messages later Found out and you decided to end it.. This made me feel anxious and emotional all day. You've been distant or maybe I'm perceiving it that way I dk .. Entire thing is screwed up. You're monopolizing my brain and I wish you weren't . I'm supposed to be focused on me and doing well this week. Instead I'm upset thinking about how u feel and if/when I'll see u again. I've let myself care far too much and I'm upset with myself

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I went through a roller coaSTER OF EMotiona today . The main takeway is that you don't miss me and you aren't concerned about seeing me. If you were, you'd just say so, yet as a human being w strong feelings for you I want to coushin my feelings and come up with a million and one excuses for you like oh he's preoccupied and all this stuff so I can avoid self inflicted emotional harm, but it's time to be an adult and stop playing softball w myself . U didn't spend all weekend thinking of me, u didn't spend all day obsessing about me like I did with you... I spent it taking an hour in btwn each message dealing w work and probably trying to avoid me talking about feelings . At least I did pretty well with that until about 7 pm after I slept w my trainer like an idiot and thought about you the whole time..even tho he's way hotter. And then I decided to misspell I miss you like the fool I am, as if that lessens the blow of me sending such a desperate message when you've been taking hours to write mini sentences to me.. You graze right over it. And respond to the other thing I said then proceed to ignore me again. By me continuing to allow this and chase you, I'm communicating that it's okay. It's okay for you to not appreciate me and ignore me and treat me like an option Bc I'll take it. No. I deserve and desire more when I'm giving more and pining over you. There are no more excuses for me to give myself. It shouldn't matter that what seems like it will make everything feel better and the single thing I want most right now is to see u. To see u, be around you , kiss you, feel alive for 6 hours that pass like 20 minutes and then I'm annoyed I have to sleep. That right now at least no one else makes me feel that way and it's unfair. It's unfair that this pleasure can only come from you and it's nothing in your mind. It's something you squeeze into your day or tolerate for work advice Bc I kick your butt at work. What does it mean then really? Is it only because I'm always seeking what I can't have and the challenge? That I always think " maybe this time it will be different ". It's not. Not only is it not different, it's probably worse because everytime you see him you believe it is again. And then you like the broken record you are just keep going through this cycle only pulling yourself deeper and deeper each time with this centripetal force that will eventually dislodge you into more pain. Why can't I have pleasure without pain? What is missing in my brain that I choose to love what hurts me and neglect what is safe? That I do not have the capacity to have these feelings for someone who deserves them and is good to me. Why isn't this a choice? The only thing I can do today to help myself is recognize the truth. Which is this level of sadness and distraction isn't good for you, so remove it. Don't contact him tomorrow, don't worry, he certainly won't be in touch with you or be asking you to hangout because he never has asked you to get together first. I know it stings but he probably won't even notice you didn't try to throw yourself at him. If he does he will be happy you didn't and relieved that you finally "get it". So what that you leave for Greece Sunday and won't be home for a week? Why does it matter to someone who isn't concerned with you? That's right it doesn't. Having a conversation about your feelings is stupid. He knows how you feel: admitting them and begging will only leave you hurt and degraded Bc you'll be forced to watch him look at you like a shattered piece of glass he wished he never bothered to pick up. Save yourself the embarrassment and wallow alone. This too shall pass, he wasn't the first and unfortunately I'm not sure he will be the last to break you Learn how to love yourself again so that someone else can. Let him go with the breeze, he wasn't ever yours when you are holding so tightly now and forcing the square into a circle. It will hurt, but much less than embarrassing yourself in front of him, and much less than continuing to try to make someone love you who never will.

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I hate that I still sometimes have the thought that you are going to come back and say what a huge mistake you made, how you want to start over with me. Luckily, this is happening less and less with time. Of course my mind still thinks what if you tried to reach me when I was gone but I have to remember if you wanted me back you would try repeatedly to get in touch with me. I've stopped counting days now and trying to live my life but still thoughts of you pop up

Edited by Loveart
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when do i get out of this sadness? are you even the slightest bit bothered? are you thinking about me? i want to take a peak at your facebook so badly, i want to talk to you so badly. it is very difficult to control these urges. did we at least have enough good times to where you will at least think about me and how much i am hurting? i cannot say right now that i hope you have a happy life, maybe someday but not today. i can't.

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Could you please stop being everywhere?! I've expressed this before... but come on. I am so tired of it. Today I just found a root beer flavored hard candy in my desk drawer. It's a specific kind and it came from a restaurant I've only been to with you. I haven't been there since, and have no desire to go there, ever again.

 

I can't decide if I want to eat it, or throw it away. Sigh.

 

I'm so f*cking tired of this.

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I am so sorry babe. I let you down. I read the article you posted and I just want to give you a big crushing hug and not let go. I am so sorry I wasn't patient enough with you. I am right now wishing I could do it all over again and fix it. I have this tremendous urge to reach out to you. But I cannot. I have already taken many steps back with peeking at your facebook. I can't take another hit like reaching out to you and not getting the result I hope to get. I am so sorry. So sorry.

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s hit the fan w us and it's just all downhill from here. Everything about what we have is one sided... It always would be Bc u didn't feel like u had to do anything maybe Bc u don't care . And in some ways I think I brought u closer to her. Last night after we had our worst sexual encounter, albeit still good but obviously was off Bc I was trying to be unattached and something was going on w u.. I dk.. Right after that u were playing guitar and flat out said don't u have something to do ? Truly hurt my feelings.. Oh I haven't seen u in over a. Week but let's not spend time together. Then I decided to go talk to you and tell you how I felt (I am proud I've finally learned how to do this instead of letting people hurt me and not being able to confront it). U just said sorry I didn't mean to I wasn't trying to and I told u I didn't care that I want to be w someone who wants to spend time w me too... Then u ended up continually cuddling me and I just decided to let it go for that moment Bc there was nothing else to be said and we slept snuggling on and off all night... Woke up and didn't have sex just decided to get to work so we had the day in field and u seemed happy. Which I'm glad for you. Maybe I helped u find a way to be happy w her I dk.. I always feel like there's two versions of you the one that likes me and the one that is guarded. Was with the guarded you yesterday. And today. Really hurts me that it doesn't seem to bug you.. You never say endearing things or that you'll miss me next week, you missed me anything and the only explanation is you don't. I can't fault you for not having the feelings I do... I can only fault myself for letting it happen when I knew it would the last time I sat here and realized I had feelings and you didnt... Somehow was able to convince myself through breadcrumbs that you did. But I wouldn't feel this way or be treated like this if u did. You'd want to see me again... You'd be upset I'm leaving, you'd express yourself. You'd take me on dates. You'd skip the stupid wedding and spend time w me Bc ud know what we could have is more valuable then something that hasn't been working instead you use me as a way to improve your relationship. This week should be my detox of you; and my bad behaviors. Of learning how to be a better partner and knowing how to spot someone who will care for you. To stop thinking pleasure means pain. To mature and to help myself grow up some more. The bad boy never ends well. Can I learn that lesson this

Time ? Can I stop degrading myself so I can feel special for one minute of a breadcrumb that means nothing to him ?

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Funny how I've ended up on this thread again. I guess that is just a testament to its usefulness.

 

I miss you, and I miss the way you made me laugh. I miss the way you made me think and how you supported me and wanted me to succeed. I know you still do, and I know I can reach out to you whenever I want. For now, I can't. At least not right now.

 

You messed up, and I caught you. I messed up too, and you caught me before. Does that make us even?

 

Was it all a lie? What part of it was ever the truth or were we just playing each other the whole time?

 

We had good moments, and lots of bad ones.

 

I think deep down, I know that you weren't the one. You are a sweet girl, and I still care deeply for you and want you to do well. I know you will have a great life.

 

But this needs to be about me. I have a lot I need to fix and resolve in my own life before I can be in an adult relationship again. The fact that I cheated and you cheated and we both lied to each other was just proof that we both had a lot of issues with trust and respect. I don't think we knew what love was.

 

I want to be happy, just as I want you to be happy. Maybe we will end up being friends down the road some day. I hope by then I will be in a much better place emotionally and be able to handle a friendship with you.

 

I miss all the silly little things. Dumb texts, snapchat, things that only we shared in our little world.

 

I will try to look back on the good times and not focus on the bad ones.

 

I want to be better going forward. I need new friends, a new job, a new life. I just want to be at peace.

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I love ENA. I read something on another persons thread that has given me something to think about, and changed my perspective in a really positive way. The thread was about losing a faithful vs unfaithful partner. But the same logic can be applied to you and me:

 

You lost a partner who loved you and was fully committed to being with you. A partner who accepted you completely, including all your faults.

 

I lost a partner who is emotionally unavailable, and unable to commit. A partner who is still so stuck in his past that he can't recognize something unique and amazing, even when it was right in front of his face.

 

So who lost more? I realize now, it wasn't me. I hate when people say "it's your loss." But in this case, yeah... It really was.

 

It's your loss.

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When you hurt me in the worst way possible by cheating on me you was so sorry you begged me to stay you told me you couldn't go on without me you swore you would never hurt me again ,, your swore

Yet one and a half months later you are swearing at me telling me all I care about is money telling my step children I don't love them.

I found out today that your in a relationship with my "friend" , your supposed to be gay !!! The day we broke up you had the nerve to message my mum telling her you love me with all your life are you for real !? I loved you with everything I had, I would have done anything for you yet you threw it all away ,again if or once you realise the grass isn't greener on the other side don't come running back to me you have hurt me so much I just can't take it anymore I'm hurting more than you no and when you realise I will be over you and strong enough to tell you to stay away it's only then that you will realise how much you mistreated me and realise what you had and I can't wait for the day you realise this because I will be with you exactly how you have been with me p.s don't get run over by a bus ,,, or do ,, whatever

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Ugh, I can't believe you are invading my dreams. It wasn't a good one either. We were still together and I showed up at your job unannounced (I would never do this)! Anyway, you received a phone call and I was able to pick up the phone and hear you talking with a co-worker you were seeing behind my back. You left suddenly to see her as she was threatening breaking up with you. Then I got talking with your co-worker who warmed up to me telling me all sorts of sorted stuff about your past. So odd and seemed like it was really happening. No idea why I would dream all this...

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For obvious reasons, this weekend sucked. when will it get better? i'm so sick of thinking about you, dreaming about you, and feeling sad. i know you are dating and probably have 12 girls half your age on rotation by now. I have been trying to date, sh** I have texts from 8 guys on my phone right now, wanting to see me, telling me I am beautiful and the coolest girl... but I feel so lukewarm about it. I'm cautious with new guys after the crap you pulled. it sucks because a few of them are probably decent guys who deserve a chance. I haven't even kissed anyone, my heart isn't in it. Ugh what is wrong with me?! You are gone. i know that. I don't want you back, because I know you'd never step up to be a better man and it would be the SOS. I miss the good parts which were so beautiful but i need to remember the toxic and bad parts. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I want to feel better, want to be over you. You aren't worth it. Intellectually I understand all of this, but my heart is slower to follow. Why? I just have to be patient with myself, be kind to myself, love myself. All the things you were incapable of, and I was incapable of as well otherwise I would not have attracted a guy like you. Now I can get better at all of these things. That in and of itself is happy and makes it all worth it.

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I am in a new place, everything is new, the smell is new, very few things I own remember of my "old" self from last days. I am needy. I am pathetic. I want love, a warm place and someone to hold me and love me unconditionally. I am sick and tired of hurting. Yet, I still hurt. I drink and I smoke. How can som epeople just be together and have a life and a family and I can't make it happen. Maybe I'm choosing the wrong girls. Maybe I'm faulty. sometimes I think oh my God, I lost everything. Sometimes I am full of hope, thinking about new beginings. I don't want a new beginning after another. I want the good old boring family, I need someone who won't back away, who understand s that long term means also effort and perseverence, not only butterfly in the stomach. I am so low I never was before. I search for something to hold on, something that will help me not to loose myself from myself.

I am both on the right path and on the most painful road. Why so much pain. Why can't I be like other people who simply look for themselves and don't give a [email protected]#$ about others. Why I am built to hurt. Right now I feel like there's nothing for me, no one will accept me as a close friend let alone partner.

I know I'm lame and that I', rambling here.

Please call, please write and tell me that you love me and everything will be ok.

I want back.

There's simply nothing in the world to justify this pain. Just stop. Please stop.

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I just realized this morning that my pantry is a disorganized mess. So is the fridge. You with your OCD tendencies.... how many times did you take everything out of my pantry and/or fridge and reorganize it?! So many times. I couldn't care less if the "snacks" are all together, and "breakfast items" are all together, the salad dressings all in row etc etc. But it pleased you to do it, so I said nothing.

 

Now, in sort of Sleeping With the Enemy fashion, I am enjoying the clutter. The disorganization feels more comfortable than the strict tidiness ever did.

 

The pantry is mine. The fridge is mine. My life is mine.

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Ugh, why did I just read your horoscope...so annoying that I did that. Of course, it says you may be thinking of a lost love and it encourages you to reach out...

That will teach me. Another holiday weekend is upon us. The start of the summer was much worse for me, now I'm pretty ok for the most part. Haven't met anyone I really like for a romantic partner. A bit frustrating at times.

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Ugh, why did I just read your horoscope...so annoying that I did that. Of course, it says you may be thinking of a lost love and it encourages you to reach out...

That will teach me. Another holiday weekend is upon us. The start of the summer was much worse for me, now I'm pretty ok for the most part. Haven't met anyone I really like for a romantic partner. A bit frustrating at times.

 

Just sending you a hug, loveart. It was a sad, strange summer, wasn't it? Hang in there.

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I'm turning a corner. I still think of you, but things are getting happier. I had my photos taken this weekend. Both professional and lingerie. It was so fun, and so empowering! Trying to date, and move on like you have, but it hasn't been that successful. I am still searching for that off the charts magnetism, which at this point I am not even sure if that is healthy. I think when we feel that intensity upon meeting someone, it might be a clue that it will be an extremely passionate hot/cold relationship... exhilarating and yet drags us to the depths of anxiety and sadness. it's almost like the mirror says, hey this person is going to exhilarate you and reflect/trigger ANY unresolved issues you have, to give you the opportunity to work your own crap out! Ha ha. Funny how the universe works that way sometimes. I may be an idealist but I do think you can still have chemistry and a healthy relationship... I have had it... it just feels different. It's love rather than attachment. And it's healthy. It doesn't have power plays, you're supportive of each other and don't play games. You are honest and transparent because you have nothing to hide. You are empathetic because you care about the persons feelings. I know I can find that again. All of my dates so far have been lukewarm at best. There's one guy who has potential but he's kind of type A, super busy. That may mean he's just taking things slow (which is fine by me) or it may mean he's unavailable as well, but his thing is being type A to avoid intimacy as opposed to the player persona to avoid intimacy, like you. Based on our conversations though I doubt that. I just get so horny sometimes, lol, and I am not the one night stand type or random hookup type. So luckily for me, my ex from 3 years ago who i am still friends with called a week ago, we talked and he was really supportive... then after we got off the phone he texted me his itinerary to come visit me! So awesome he bought a plane ticket to fly across the country for a weekend to cheer me up. For some reason, I am ok with this setup. I think maybe it's because we have known each other for so long, there is mutual respect, friendship, and love (although not "i want to be with you" kind of feelings). So it seems ok emotionally for me because of that. Plus we had off the charts physical chemistry so no surprises there. It's amazing how much my mood has lifted since then. I am planning for the weekend. Bought a ton of sexy lingerie, scheduled a brazillian, a tan, planned a bunch of fun things to do while he is here. It's like I just have something fun and flirty and sexy to look forward to. And I really think it is going to help me turn a corner. I have taken my dating profile down for the time being. I'm just exhausted with the multiple dates per week, I need a break. I haven't even kissed anyone since you. I haven't wanted to kiss a stranger, or a semi stranger. I do think the weekend will help me turn a corner, get a fresh perspective, and finally begin to physically move on. I am excited about that!

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