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Polaris, are you NC? I don't know why people can di that. Pretend everything's perfect the day before dumping you. How long it's been since your BU?

 

Broken up 25 days today. The break up was a little ambiguous at the time (or at least I assumed she wasn't really serious), so I gave her 5 days breathing space and then contacted her again by e-mail. It was then that she confirmed that as far as she was concerned, we had broken up, and she had no intention of changing her mind. I said fair enough, told her my feelings hadn't changed (so she knew where I stood), wished her the best and said I wouldn't be in touch any further.

 

 

I've kept to that, so I've had 20 days NC now. The first two weeks were hell (especially the first), with random bouts of crying, and a real inability to concentrate and get anything done. The last week has been better; I've gone several days without tears now and I've been able to do some basic work stuff, though I'm still way below normal functionality. I still think about her and the situation for the vast majority of the time, but at least it's not literally every minute now, as it was before.

 

 

Yeah, the pretence that everything was fine really blindsided me. I did know there was an ongoing issue with her ex, i.e. that she had regained some feelings for him when spending a lot of time one-to-one with him, but for the few weeks before the break up she'd deliberately cut him out of her life for that reason (or so she said; not sure if I really believe that now). She continued to give such strong indications of love, though; even in the last meeting where we apparently broke up, we were kissing and cuddling initially and there was no suggestion of anything wrong, before we got into an argument and started talking about being unhappy. Really odd how someone can go from that to not ever wanting to see you again in a matter of minutes.

 

 

I will remain in NC for the time being, though our situation is complicated by the fact that she works for me a on contract basis, and she has a couple of contracts pending. I've been putting those off for as long as possible, and will continue to do so, but realistically in September I'm going to have to meet her again in a work context. Dreading it, to be honest; this is a situation in which I really would prefer never to see her or have to talk to her again at this point.

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Broken up 25 days today. The break up was a little ambiguous at the time (or at least I assumed she wasn't really serious), so I gave her 5 days breathing space and then contacted her again by e-mail. It was then that she confirmed that as far as she was concerned, we had broken up, and she had no intention of changing her mind. I said fair enough, told her my feelings hadn't changed (so she knew where I stood), wished her the best and said I wouldn't be in touch any further.

 

 

I've kept to that, so I've had 20 days NC now. The first two weeks were hell (especially the first), with random bouts of crying, and a real inability to concentrate and get anything done. The last week has been better; I've gone several days without tears now and I've been able to do some basic work stuff, though I'm still way below normal functionality. I still think about her and the situation for the vast majority of the time, but at least it's not literally every minute now, as it was before.

 

 

Yeah, the pretence that everything was fine really blindsided me. I did know there was an ongoing issue with her ex, i.e. that she had regained some feelings for him when spending a lot of time one-to-one with him, but for the few weeks before the break up she'd deliberately cut him out of her life for that reason (or so she said; not sure if I really believe that now). She continued to give such strong indications of love, though; even in the last meeting where we apparently broke up, we were kissing and cuddling initially and there was no suggestion of anything wrong, before we got into an argument and started talking about being unhappy. Really odd how someone can go from that to not ever wanting to see you again in a matter of minutes.

 

 

I will remain in NC for the time being, though our situation is complicated by the fact that she works for me a on contract basis, and she has a couple of contracts pending. I've been putting those off for as long as possible, and will continue to do so, but realistically in September I'm going to have to meet her again in a work context. Dreading it, to be honest; this is a situation in which I really would prefer never to see her or have to talk to her again at this point.

 

I'm so sorry! But you haven't been broken up for a long time, actually it's just 25 days. It's normal you feel like you can't do anything. Expect the next months to be like that, but don't even think that it's not normal, feeling like you're not moving on. You are, but you don't realize it yet. They pretend like everything's fine and then, bam! They're gone. Don't force yourself to feel OK. It's okay not to be okay. You can cry, and you can scream and you can be in your bed crying until sleep. You will see that, eventually, you get tired of feeling like that... And then it gets better. Don't bottle up your feelings. FEEL. When you see her, ignore her. I know I'm asking for too much right now... But ignore her as much as you can.

 

A calm sea never turn a pirate into an expert sailor!

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I'm so sorry! But you haven't been broken up for a long time, actually it's just 25 days. It's normal you feel like you can't do anything. Expect the next months to be like that, but don't even think that it's not normal, feeling like you're not moving on. You are, but you don't realize it yet. They pretend like everything's fine and then, bam! They're gone. Don't force yourself to feel OK. It's okay not to be okay. You can cry, and you can scream and you can be in your bed crying until sleep. You will see that, eventually, you get tired of feeling like that... And then it gets better. Don't bottle up your feelings. FEEL. When you see her, ignore her. I know I'm asking for too much right now... But ignore her as much as you can.

 

A calm sea never turn a pirate into an expert sailor!

 

Thanks, I really appreciate this. Yeah, I'm expecting this to last for some time in various forms. I had a really traumatic breakup about ten years ago in which I was practically catatonic for a month; really couldn't do anything except stay in bed and cry. Couldn't eat, couldn't really sleep, couldn't work. This time has definitely been better; had a reduced appetite for the first couple of weeks, endless dreams about her unfortunately which interfere with sleep a bit, and endless thoughts about her which interfere with concentration, but it's already beginning to get slightly better. I just hope it doesn't all go back to square one when I have to talk to her again (believe me, I'd love to ignore her forever more, and I will for another month and a half at least hopefully, but I'll have to talk to her about work eventually).

 

Feel? That's interesting. Is that what works best for you? I'm undecided between trying to feel as much as possible, to get it all out, and to try and avoid as much as possible until there's been time to heal. I felt a huge amount in the first two weeks, but now it's almost as if a protective layer has come over me, and somehow I quickly cloud any thoughts which are likely to be too painful, and I'm actively avoiding feeling anything. It does help me to function more, but I do wonder if eventually that's going to go and I'm going to start feeling things just as badly again. Or maybe the passage of time will have helped by then?

 

I see you're a bit further along the process (3 months NC and 7 months after BU?). How are you finding things now?

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Ex,

 

I know you're getting on with your life, and that makes me happy in some ways. In others, I still don't understand. Why did you feed me all of those lies, knowing what I had been through? I was trying to better my life for you. You swore up and down you wanted to be a better man for me, but you never acted upon those words. I hate that I feel like moving on is a betrayal. I hate that I feel like sometimes I worry you think I've betrayed you by not trying to write, when you're the one who dumped me. You broke my heart in ways that I didn't think were possible. You made me so many promises, and I still don't understand how you could be so careless with those words when they were all you had to give me. You knew the pain of abandonment you'd leave me with if you broke those promises, and you did it anyway. You weren't trying to be a better man. You were buying time. I'm logically okay, and I guess I understand. But emotionally I don't understand at all. You promised me...

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It's been 4 months almost to the day, and I still think about you 20 times a day!! I hate having to see you every single week with eyes that once looked at me in adoration, and now they are cold and shut off. I still miss you. I miss the little things we had, things only we knew. This last month you've been horrible, I'm just confused because I'm the father of your child, your first true love. Why treat me so badly when it was you that left a loving house and broke a family for partying and drinking?! If only you looked a little further into the future you'd see that you want this family, with a good man that adored you and treated you like a princess. I never once thought you'd behave like this towards me. Knowing what I did for you and how I protected you. I expected you to feel my pain when walking away, not amplify it to new extremes. 4 months later and whilst I'm now dating others, I still wish you'd text and ask me for another date. I guess I found out how you truly feel when you told me I was nothing but the father of your kid to you. I'll reopen that scar daily, until the time comes to let it heal. When we had our baby I told you it had to be forever, I didn't wanna do this alone. Guess you lied, but then that wouldn't be first time. And I'm confident, deep down, it won't be the last. Take care X

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I was right. I was ing right about my instincts about you...you're just a who used me for sex! You toyed with my emotions like it didn't matter. Who are you? What made you so horrible?! I feel sorry for you, I really do. You're ing up your life and someone will really you up someday but I hope you recover but right now I just hate you. You chased after me, literally! You stalked me for weeks to get my attention, you desperately wanted to date me, I gave you a chance but you hurt my feelings. Remember how I said I trust you, and how you said you liked me a lot and would never hurt me? How can you say such lies with a straight face you ?! So I was just your booty call and you thought I'd be ok with that huh? I am so glad I ing dumped you! So glad!!! And now after 4 weeks I find out I was right about you dating that short ugly loser; you didn't cheat on me with him, you cheated on him with me!!! And the ing loser doesn't even know that while he was giving you a shoulder to cry on I was humping your brains! You toyed with so many emotions seriously woman you will find no peace!

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Dear E,

after 11 years of NC you decided to message me on FB. You broke my heart, you were cheating on me and got one of your flings pregnant. I had enough and ghosted. You managed to find me and instead of an apology I receive a simple "hello!" After lurking on your profile, I noticed you are married and have 5 kids! I moved on, I don't want your breadcrumbs, and I am bloklcking your thirsty a..!

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I'm getting frustrated.

 

I'm starting to feel more and more ready to explore the possibility of being friends with you. I still have some down moments, but they aren't as far down and I rebound quicker. A lot quicker, actually. And I miss you but it's about the fun things we did together, the conversations we had about your work, or mine, or our shared hobbies. The kinds of things we would still talk about, if we were actively friends right now. I don't daydream about having sex with you. I can't remember the feel of your kiss. What I miss is simply your presence. I've never been friends with an ex. You have. You think we can do it. My ingrained habit is still to trust you and go with that... but for what it's worth, my gut agrees with you. It thinks we can be friends too. So there's that.

 

Then I come on here and it seems every thread mentions keeping NO contact *forever* , and you can't be friends with ex's, and it's not really a friendship if it was ever more. Etc etc etc etc. And I talk to a friend of mine, who immediately gives me a hard time and says being friends with you would be pointless, and only cause unnecessary drama and pain.

 

How can anyone say that you and I can or cannot be friends? How can anyone know this, except for you and me? Every relationship is different. Every breakup is different. Every person on this planet is different. And the decision about friendship between you and me is our choice alone. You've already said you're willing, many times. I'm willing too. The part I'm still debating is if it's *possible*. Not because of any hard and fast rules, or what anyone else thinks, but because this will be a brand new relationship for us, and like any new relationship, romantic, platonic or otherwise.... it may work out, and it may not. And like any relationship, there is a risk of pain.

 

I wish we could talk about it, the way we talked out absolutely everything, including our breakup conversation of 3+ hours. Calm, rational, respectful, caring. We need to decide together if our friendship is worth it. If the risk is worth it. If it has a"point", or if it's just a guarantee of drama. No one else can decide this for us. So.... I think I'm done talking about it, with anyone, until I'm ready to talk to the only other person whose opinion matters, and that's you.

 

Not now.

Not yet.

Soon.

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I loved you so much. Every time we fought, I was ready to make up the next day. You, however, do not want to fight for our relationship anymore. I'm sick of being the only one who cares and thinks about us. Even though I still remember all the good memories that we had, I can never forget the bad ones too. I hope your brother's cancer will get better. I hope you can make more friends. I don't regret that you were my first love, with whom I shared all of my firsts. You will forever have a special place in my heart, but I think that it's time I let you go, and thereby let myself be freed too. The hardest decision is the one that enables me to grow. Thus, even if I feel like I'm dying inside, I will not reach out to you. I will not let myself hurt me anymore. I know you will respond to my texts, so I have to be the one to cut it off. I'm sorry for not being a better gf when we were together. I will learn from our relationship and strive to be a better partner next time. I hope you will find your own happiness. And I hope the next time we speak, we can speak to each other warmly like two old friends.

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Back from being out of town...wish you hadn't texted me before I left. I realize that was it and a fluke and I will probably never hear from you again. Moving on but still think about you. Annoying that a new TV show I found a character looks a lot like you I really like the show and won't stop watching it because of that. He's a bad guy too (lol). Sigh, vacation is over and now back to life and reality...

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I keep alternating between realizing my flaws and seeing why you called it quits and feeling completely abandoned by you. I know the relationship can't be recovered at this point, and it breaks my heart. You left so easily over something we could have talked out. All those promises were just words. All of those dreams will never come true. I still find it hard to cancel the big trip I planned for your birthday nearly a year in advance. $6000 down the drain, because I was so sure about us. I thought you were, too. I know I deserve better, but I'm still hurting.

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Doing my best to move on. Zero contact or info regarding ex. Got rid of all reminders of him. Then Sat. I go to my usual pre-gym spot for breakfast and a guy looking just like him sits across from me smiles and says good morning. Really, really weird. Luckily I had finished eating but had to leave. Not sure why this would happen when I am moving on

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I feel so played, feel like it was all fake. The "I love you" the "I love everything about you" the "we could be perfect" you know what? It would have taken one compromise to have me with you still. The one "flaw" you saw in me you couldn't change or even meet me half way to save the relationship. I don't think you ever self reflect. That's why you jump back into online dating the same day you break up with someone. It's because you don't want to face yourself. You just think you are right, all the time, and if anyone challenges you that is wrong. So they dump you, and you just move on to the next girl without seeing the common denominator: you. Why not take a look in the mirror, and try to grow and become a better man? You are not always right. What girl hurt you so bad to make you so bitter and inflexible and full of rage when you don't get your way? I feel sorry for you, because you let a damn good one slip through your fingers.. and I deserve so much more anyway. You'll continue to be a player till your 55, bald, getting thick in the middle despite all of your expertise in "fitness" and barely able to perform without pharmaceuticals every time. Then, you'll realize maybe it's time to humble the F up and try to be a genuine, honest, sincere and caring person if you expect anyone to keep your a** around for more than a few months. I can't imagine how sad life really is underneath all of the charm, fun and jokes and whatnot for a guy who is emotionally unavailable and has at mid 40's never had a real relationship, yet claims to be an expert on the subject. Your arrogance is astounding! And no, do humanity a favor and do not become a therapist. You'd be the worlds worst therapist, I mean unless you can find a niche where people pay you to abuse and bully them... What a joke, I literally almost laughed out loud when you said that. most of all I am sad and angry with myself for falling in love with you. I'm frustrated that i still think of you all the time, while you are out meeting dozens of girls and having fun like nothing happened. You can't love. Plain and simple. You are incapable. I think the words my friends and family used to describe you were "high functioning sociopath with toxic narcissism" but you know that? I don't need to label you with a personality disorder... Colossal As***** is pretty much a perfect description. Although I have to admit those eyes that girls (including me) thought were so penetrating and engaging and gorgeous at first? Yeah, after a few months it's more like a creepy 10000 yard stare, because kindness is not behind those eyes. It calculating darkness, figuring out how to manipulate and control. I am thankful i learned what this looks like so i can be aware if i ever meet someone with this quality in the future. Thank you for sharpening my bs detector! And yeah, you were cheating on me with other women the whole time we were dating and we both know that is true. if you had nothing to hide you wouldn't have gone to such great lengths to protect your privacy and you wouldn't have gotten defensive and created so much drama when i wanted to have an adult discussion about honesty and boundaries. Psychology 101, dude! What were all those blonde hairs on your couch pillow? you think I am stupid? When you went missing when your "friend" was in town? Not texting me at night the entire time you were on vacation and making random remarks about european women and how "free" they are sexually? Duh. I am not stupid. You were totally confessing and playing mind games with me. insidious and evil and controlling. it makes me want to throw up. You are not a nice person. I feel sorry for the women that date you, but i feel even more sorry for you, who has to live with your mistakes, and be in denial while looking at yourself in the mirror every day while knowing there is a good chance you will NEVER know true love and how stunningly beautiful it is.

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I know you have feelings for me, and I you. But your words suggest that even if I moved to your country, you wouldn't take me back because my career keeps me too busy. How very ironic that the one who was busy and didn't have time to contact me was YOU.

So long, liar.

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Gosh, it seems like I have to once again go NC after a relationship. We should have gone NC after we broke up over 6 months ago, but we didn't. You were devastated when I started dating and I still cared about your feelings so much that I did too much care taking of your heart. I never ignored your messages. I continued to make sure you knew that you were special to me. Now, you are dating someone but you don't want to tell me. It's obvious. But unlike how I handled it, you actually ignore me when you are with her... Good for you. I should have done that too. I'm mad at myself for not doing that but the truth is, I had no business being in another relationship. I didn't know it at the time but I wasn't over you. I hadn't processed "us." I thought I had. Luckily, my new dating partner wasn't in a place to be in a relationship either and so no one really got hurt when we decided to back off... Now, you are with someone else but you still don't want to give me space. If I stop talking to you, you get upset. If you think I'm with another woman, you get upset... You care a lot when you aren't with your new girlfriend and when you are with her, you're gone. I realize we did this to each other. You have, even just recently told me that you I am the only one you want to want you and that when you were recently in Hawaii, you thought about me. You recently broke NC to tell me you loved me and you were thinking about me. But you were also dating HER. Why did you do that? My guess is that she gives you company and she gives you love, but she is not me and you two are not us, and you miss us. She is not in your heart like I am and so you still need me around to give you whatever thing you have always wanted from me... And now, I am single and you are dating and it's painful that you want to keep me on the side for the emotional connection that you obviously aren't getting from her. I get it. I did it too. I wasn't emotionally connected to my new person either and so I needed you. I wanted you to be all of that for me but we can't seem to make it work... And I promise you this. You might stay with her. She might be enough to marry and live a calm, happy existence, but in a new relationship, when you are still telling your ex how much you love her and think about her and how devastated you are over the end of the relationship, that tells me that that relationship will never be enough for you because you are already looking outside of it and it only just began (a few months ago, I'm guessing). I am taking myself out of the equation. I am sad that you have something with someone else and I really don't... But I don't know if what you have is fulfilling. I would guess it's fulfilling when you are being distracted but not really fulfilling or else you wouldn't need to be connected to me. I asked you to not come home from being with her last night and send me a message like you usually do and you respected that. I haven't heard from you today and that is for the best. I will not contact you anymore. I will not be here for you to connect with when it's convenient. I am going to get you out of my immediate awareness. You will think of me every day when you are in your classroom that we have been in so many times together. You will think of me often... I can't blame you for wanting to connect with someone new but it still hurts. Some day, I will meet someone wonderful and I won't be connected to anyone else at that time. I will be free and ready to be in that relationship with an open heart. For that reason, it's best that I am single. I will be okay. I will be more than okay. This was bound to happen and the shoe has finally dropped. It hurts less every day... I wish I could be happy for you but I am not there yet...

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I gave you everything without ever asking for much from you and now here we are 3 years of me investing my time, money, and emotions in you...making so many sacrifices for your happiness only for you to turn and run because of a blip in the relationship.

 

I loved you, and I still love you with all my heart but you tore me apart with your flimsy reasons for wanting to break up. I fought for you, stood by your side when nothing was working out for you and none of your so-called friends were there for you. But you run at the first sign of trouble and with the audacity to say you still love me. If you really love someone, you stay and fight hard to keep them in your life. I hope you will wake up one day and realize that letting me go was the biggest mistake you ever made.

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I miss you so much, i tried my hardest this time around...you threw a dimond back in the ocean because you would rather look under rocks. I have so much more to ofer then you ever did. I have a completly secure life, job, stable, secure. Yet you didnt want me. You broke me, and you get to live with the fact you pushed a good person out of your life, keeping pushing the good people away and you will be left with mice and rats..im not sure ill ever forget you, your a scar that i dont think will ever go away, you cut me deep. I wish you could see how a saw you..i know ill get better and be over this, im already getting better, but i really cared, i did.

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Having a minor setback, I think. First holidays in six years without you. My birthday just passed and I felt so alone... Like never before. I pretended I was ok. In fact, I'm pretty good at pretending I'm over you. But you didn't even get in touch. Hell, probably you didn't even remember it was my birthday.

 

I wish I could be like you: get into another relationship like the previous one didn't even exist.

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I was depressed, you know? Almost killed myself because of you. I was crying every night , you destroyed me bit by bit. You didn't care , you went partying, going out with friends. I was destroyed.... You destroyed me. I can't trust anybody, anymore. I can't. Just let me be, Don't let me ruin every chance I get witb other guys. Just disappear in my life. I will never forgive you, it will always hurt having you around.

 

This summer, without you... it was he most peaceful days I had. For the 2 months without you, I had all the pieces together. I went around , explored here and there. It was so peaceful , not worrying about you. I can't anymore. Just let me go. Just disappear. I can feel the pain jist like yesterday. How you destroyed me.... I love you so much, but I can't anymore... I just can't... let you ruin me anymore... please just stay away... don't let me near you ... I can't...

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