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Nynnja
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We texted today and it set me back a few days. You have e a way of giving false hope and keeping me at arms length in case you want a doormat. I'm not going to be that doormat anymore. I love you like no other but your toxic to me. Your talk of marriage was all BS. You used me until there was nothing left. Bit god how I still love you. Your previous 3 marriages didn't work you cast them aside. Maybe I didn't have enough for you to get in a divorce settlement so I wasn't worth the time any more. I will get over you but you'll never know how much it hurts and what you've done to me

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Further more you selfish cxxt it was always me doing for you. You brought me into an entire family I fell in love with then ripped it away because you fell out of love. You bxxxh I really wish I could say these things right to you. Matter of fact maybe I will. Maybe I'll feel better. I'm sure it won't bother yoy a bit and you've heard it all before. Best thing that could happen to you is you step in front of a bus!!!!!!!!!!!! How can I be in love with someone I hate sorry HATE sooooo friggin much????????

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I was in my old neighborhood last night and had forgotten about the date we had there and how we walked and I showed you where I lived. Got teary eyed on my drive home. I still don't understand how you could suddenly change the way you felt about me? It will take me longer to get over you, I'm sure. I guess I was just a blip on your radar; probably just a placeholder until you found someone full of drama, chaos, and excitement which you must crave. Not sure why you couldn't be happy with a stable person. I'll never understand what this "missing" thing was that you were looking for.

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Just visited your instagram, yep broke the NC! I'm so happy to see that you posted a picture in college. I remembered when we started all the application process, I went to the office brought your papers in, did your application, and even work the process to have your documents fax from the other college. I remember when we started studying everyday for the admission exam, I even offered to help you with the classes, and take more responsibilities of the bills so that you concentrate in school. I promised to be there and give you all the support. I remember when I posted in my facebook that two years from now when fb post "memories" you'll be graduating and accomplishing your dreams. I also remember how bad you felt because I already earned my MPA and you haven't yet start college at 22 years old, which also made me feel guilty. Im so glad and happy for you for not stopping and going to college and be able to pursuit your dreams. After all, I just wish you the best and even from the distance I will be cheering you up on every day to never give up and go till the end!

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God I love you but your no good for me. I gave to find a way to let you go. We had good time until you decided to throw me away. I would have laid down and died for you. I dont deserve this. I found a great woman I'm not sure I'll be able to live because of you. You are selfish this isn't fair you narssastic

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Oh man! How much I want you back. I know that I have so much to do in your decision-- for not being able to see what was happening, for not allowing the opportunity to demonstrate how much I loved and cared for you. I can't understand how you decided to leave me to than be with him. I can't understand how all of this is happening. After all, I know you want the best for you and your son, and I was doing damage to both of you! I wish I could go back time and control my impulsiveness, my emotions, my anger. But than I realized that nothing could have stop this, because I also was mad at you for certain things that you could have avoid; such as misspending our money, wanting to go out with friends, and not understanding that I love your kid more than anything else but also wanted some time alone for the both of us. I know that you are young and want to explore new things, I was your first woman, and you asked me for things that I didn't have the desire to give you. So funny that the same day you left me you started talking with a girl that I have forgive you for talking about intimacy months before. I loved and love you so much that I decided to put some stuff in the past just to keep you. I swear to God that if you text, call, or come to me and tell me that you want us together I will again forgive you and be with you. At the end, all I want is to be with you.

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So I'm doing everything in my power to make it to 2 full weeks of NC. A few minutes ago, my phone pops up an alert that you've just joined facebook messenger and I should be the first person to welcome you with a message. I want to talk to you so bad, but I know better. I know this is a perfect excuse to say hello, but I know better. I just want to see how you are doing. I know that you would respond. But I know better. Every piece of advice I've seen says that I have to let you go no matter what. I have to heal and move on, or you'll never come back. Or if I don't heal and move on, I will remain miserable. But with each day that passes, I feel like I'm getting smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror. I just want to catch up to you. I know you let go or you wouldn't have ended things. I just wish it was as easy for me as it was for you to give up.

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I stayed gone and busy all day. It's after midnight and I just got home. But I'm sitting in my car. I can't go inside. I'm breaking down again. When is this pain going you stop? It hurts. I'm tired of being in pain. I don't want to go inside and go to bed again like this. And have time wake up feeling this. I want my life back. I want happiness. I want to erase you from my mind. I hate you because I love you this much

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It sucks that I still am thinking about you while you've totally erased me I still don't understand what exactly went wrong. I don't think I ever will. Hope I stop thinking about you soon. Maybe my big upcoming trip will tip things in the right direction, hoping so...

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I'm most likely moving, and hopefully MOVING on from you. I know you feel like the victim here because I didn't want to be friends with you after you ripped my heart out and dumped me, but you are not the victim. I gave you my all. You never opened up. I tried to be intimate with you, you never let me in. I always tried to make you feel comfortable and welcome, and you ignored my efforts. You expected me to read minds, and gave me some BS excuse that i never called you "beautiful" enough. All bull crap and you know it. And you have the audacity to feel like the victim?!?

 

One day, you will wake up, and realize what you let go. One day you will miss me. One day, when you're lying next to whoever you may be dating now, after he failed to please you in bed, staring at your ceiling, wondering why you feel nothing for him, you'll realize I was the best you had. And treated you like gold. And you'll regret you never gave me an honest chance. You'll regret you never opened up to me, and shared with me what I shared with you. And the thing is.....I do want you to be happy. With or without me. But I refuse to let you think I wronged you. I was great. I am great. And I love myself. More than you ever "supposedly" loved me.

 

Have a happy life.

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Back at work today. The place we met 5 years ago. I wonder if I'll ever be able to come here and not think about you. But I think about you all the time anyways. Just come back. I don't want to move on. I want you. But you're taking too long. I'm tired of feeling this way.

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Lots of regrets...

 

I have a lot of regrets about our breakup. Mostly about how we ended, so sour, cold. What upsets me is... I behaved very immaturely during our break-up. It sort of justified your reason even more for dumping me.

 

What I regret is my desperation before our breakup. How I took you back all those times... What honestly hurt is my friend's boyfriend told me you said "She's just my puppy dog and will always be there. Just so dumb"

 

I just never KNEW you felt so low about me. I opened so much of my heart to you and you thought of me as one big joke. It sucks you pursued me because you had nothing else going on. It sucks to be used and then tossed to the lost and found. The embarrassment stings so bad... I changed my number, deleted my email, deleted social media.

 

There's absolutely no way I'll ever hear from you again...and it ends tonight because I love myself.

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God I miss u, I tried for so long to deny what I felt after we split, tried to just see you when I come and got the kid. Tried to act like I didn't care. I even went so far as to get engaged but ever time I look at her I see you and what should be us.

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I almost called you yesterday. I was drunk, but my friends grabbed my phone and I couldn't. I can't thank them enough for that. It would have destroyed all the progress I made... Two whole months of NC. But I miss you, and I realized that even after 6 months, I'm not over it. I'm still thinking about you, and you probably don't even remember me.

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Why did you ask me to marry you if you were going to do this? Why do you push all of the good things in your life away? Will you ever start to work on your problems instead of running from them? I think you are only as hurtful to me because you are even harder on yourself. It breaks my heart to know you live like that everyday. I know I will be okay eventually, but I don't know if you ever will. I am so sorry for your suffering and wish you were better. I wish you were healthier so that you were in a place where we could be together, or that you were willing to work on yourself while accepting my love and support.

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It's July 4th. "Independence Day", and I could not feel more trapped, caged and miserable. I am so sick of missing you. So sick of hurting. I feel like such a hypocrite for giving advice on here that I can't even follow myself. All I can think about today is YOU. I have very specific memories of last year, how we spent the holiday together. It was scorching hot. We slept in, made hot sweaty love, then showered and went down to the pool for the day. That night my best friend came over. You grilled us some burgers, then we all walked to the park for the fireworks. We took my dog with us. He was okay at first, then got scared, more by all the people than the noise I think. You carried him most of the way home, and he was happy, because he trusted you. We both did. We both loved you and trusted you, and you left us both.

 

So this year, the dog and I are alone, and I have no idea where you are...what you're doing...who you're with. Are you dating someone new? Spending the day with her, perhaps? And is she everything you hoped for when you dumped me in search of "more"?

 

Ugh. I sound so angry. And I'm really not. I'm just hurt. And sick of hurting. Sick of being left by men who always seem to think they can do better than me. I'm smart, adventurous, loving, loyal, fun, self-sufficient, not horrible to look at, and reasonably sane. Why is that NEVER enough for men like you? And why do I keep putting myself through this, hoping that this time, it will be different. It never is, and I always get hurt.... and maybe I'm not that smart after all.

 

Meanwhile, all I want to do is call you. Text you. Connect with you somehow other than this pointless typing that you'll never read and wouldn't care if you did.

 

I feel so unbelievable pathetic right now. So I guess it's a good thing you aren't around, because you'd take one look at how I'm acting and think, yep... I made the right choice in dumping that one.

 

Oh wait... you already DO think that. That's why you did it.

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So now you hate me. It was you who wanted to stay friends, you who wanted to stay on the kid's life . your anxiety has worked me into something I don't see how even you could believe..

I've been working me but as soon as I feel like I'm about to emerge, some thing slaps me back down. I have driven drink twice in my life... Both because I couldn't stay put thinking about you. I've left you alone but for calling you from jail, you didn't even find out about it till the next day yet you publicly attack me? Block me out? (I assume?) What did I do? You confuse the hell out of me what were the weeks after the break up? Why ? What!? Ughhh lost again.

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At least I had an amazing weekend; with friends and family. Yesterday, was my cousin's wedding; we were supposed to be together on that day. But, you was with him, celebrating his birthday and I could tell with the pictures that you was happy. You left a month ago and so many things had happen. I promised myself not to visit your social media website, which I did. But today I visited and for me is a nightmare; how could you have done this to me. On Sunday, I'm taking out all of the furniture you made me buy for our apartment, I will close this chapter that you forced me to do so. I just hope that you do not regret what you doing, because I know it will be too late.

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I'm doing OK without you. I keep reminding myself your not good for me and you WILL do this to another guy. I feel sorry for him. You said your going to stay single for the rest of your life but you will need intimacy soon er or later. Just tell him upfront pleaser

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All I can do is think about you. It's hard because I know we were never really together. We talked about how neither one of us could do a LDR and boy am I regretting saying that. I don't know if I was just hearing things, but the last time we talked about it, it seemed like you were going to suggest we try but I cut you off--too anxious to let you think I liked you more than you liked me. We played so many games with each other and I know that it's probably just as much my fault as yours, but I still like you.

 

The worst part? I know you still like me and that if we were in the same country right now we'd be together. I can't call you an 'ex' since you were never my boyfriend, but now that we're across the world it's just a friendship maintained over texts.

 

I find myself checking my phone repeatedly to hear from you even though I know you're nine hours ahead and are sleeping. I can't stop thinking about what you're doing, who you're with, if you've met someone new or not and I wish I could say this all to you but I'm terrified of scaring you away, of losing the friendship that we're trying to maintain. Because I'd rather have you in my life a little bit than not at all.

 

I know this was supposed to be easy, this wasn't supposed to be a 'thing' and maybe I like you a lot more than you like me. No, scratch that. I know I like you more than you like me. Sometime during the past few months I fell for you and I fell for you hard. All I want is to see you and be able to hug you. I thought I had gotten over the worst of it but after we skyped today it all came rushing back. The feelings of helplessness, the feelings of loneliness. Every day I can't wait to go to sleep because I have you in my dreams and because it's one little bit closer to morning--the only time of day that I can expect to talk to you.

 

I hate the shell that I've become and I know I need to move on but I don't feel like I can. Every waking moment is consumed with thoughts of you and I just wish that I could have some sort of confirmation that you're not over me too.

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