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Still so many questions left unanswered. The void you have left is still there, but I am in no rush to fill it with someone else. Instead I am gonna fill it with love for myself. I know the road is gonna be a long one but I am finally taking the first steps. I don't know why you did/do the things you did/do, I don't think I ever will.

Think it would do you good to take a leaf out of my book and have a long look in the mirror. I know you never will.

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My nature is never hit below the belt even when I know I was right to end a relationship. Maybe I did it to make sure there is no possibility of rekindling. Who knows.

 

Besides calling you on the cheating and lying, the other stuff didn't need to be said. It is just who you are. If it didn't work for me, I should have left a long time earlier and not gotten back together. Though I did explain to you the last breakup what I'm all about, I guess that didn't really set in. Maybe you were hoping I'd change?

 

Your work is your life, maybe I thought you were only that way because that was all you knew for so long. I made excuses. I am deeply sorry for being so mean about it all. I initially admired your work ethic but now I see it was a bit extreme especially since you live in the TMI work yard in an RV. I realize its a choice because you live your work. You've always said that TMI preys on lonely, no life guys like your coworker Craig (your words not mine). And, after querying many friends and guys about it, you are likely a workaholic unable to balance your priorities when it matters. Thank you for letting me see this sooner than later, before we moved in together--started a life and expected you to really be there for me. Still It was 8 months and really wish you were a bit more upfront at the beginning about work being a priority over any relationship. You have to admit that you definitely told me several times that we were the priority and that work was not. Wish you would have been more forthright. We could have avoided all this ugliness because I would not have stayed in this with you and you could have moved on to one of the other girls you were pursuing. Wouldn't that have been better for both of us? Now I get to say you were the first guy who cheated on me. That's a sucky place to be for you in my history, right? Unless that is where you planned to be in which case, good job. I'll do my best to forget and grow from it.

 

Cheating and lying so much (remember we set parameters what constitutes cheating very early when we first got together because of your own experience) would make anyone angry but it is no excuse for my words to you because regardless of what you did and the treatment you gave to me, I don't want to be a mean person. I was angry and know the things I wrote were hurtful.

 

So know this that you helped me in so many ways. This was a catalyst relationship for me. You helped me see how much I was devaluing myself by not stepping away sooner, right when I realized you were cheating and hiding me. Though it was my first experience with it. That was a month earlier. I know you only started incorporating me into your life when I posted those pics. I should have known, no one knew about me. Not Todd or Michael.. and when you told Sam (were you even speaking to Sam on the phone that Sunday when I caught you?) that you had to get back to work when you were actually going biking with me on the Sunday before you went to RI .. I was being naive. I should have left you then. I am glad I still did post the pics. It forced your hand and helped me see the truth in your actions.

 

I do want to point out that I only saw your email twice when you left the room and facebook once. Doesn't make it right, but I don't want you to think I somehow stole your password. I know it was an invasion of your privacy but aren't you glad I did? Doesn't it feel better to not be in a relationship with someone you were cheating on or who suspected you all the time due to your actions? I can't imagine the guilt you were dealing with. It must have been painful... All those showers you took everytime you lied to me. Looking back, I hear that is a symptom of feeling dirty from lying. Like washing away your sins.

 

Just know I never cheated, saw any other guy behind your back or even spoke to one in email (unless it was to answer a question about the snowboarding group or work), chat, or phone . I had opportunities but did not. My history is I never cheated on any guy. I only wanted you during our time together. I'm stating this in case this was a concern of yours.

 

I wish you all the best. I really hope that life finds you in a better situation so that you don't have to make sure your girlfriend lives an hour away or keep your girlfriend at an emotional distance. I hope that you someday find satisfaction in one girl for longer than a month and not have to take constant breaks from her to regain that interest you had. Though I know you get bored easily and do remember that cliche once a cheater, always a cheater. I'd like to not believe that and hope you don't fall prey to that stereotype either. The lying, I have nothing positive to say there so I'll just leave you with yourself to contemplate why you lie so much. Excessively in fact.

 

Why am I sending this email? I feel bad about the name calling in the last email. I know you're short and have an inferior complex but pointing out how substandard you are as a human, that wasn't necessary. I hope you're not a narcissist and a misogynist or innately abusive. I am still disgusted with you but also mad at myself for being so mean in the email from before. The only way I could start healing from our experience was to send this. I don't believe treating you that way gets anywhere. For people, like you, who treat others with contempt and abuse them, I always feel like they are people who lost their way and there is always hope for them. Hope you find your way. I don't need to put salt in a wound when I'm sure you'll either figure it out someday or life will do something to force it.

 

Thank you for reading this and taking it for what it is, my way of completely moving on from you to start the real healing process (moving beyond disgust and anger). It would be very kind and generous of you given our history to let this be just that. Letting go.

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sorry xyz i cannot speak or reconcile with you anymore, i cant trust you, your to inconsistant with your ways and that does not instill confidence in a relationship.

i do love you but i cant trust you, dont know how to.

 

im sorry but thats how i feel, just cant trust you, your to secretive, and sometimes you cant keep up the truth imho.

 

it was great in the beginning but the magic soon faded when you you still showed allegience to your ex husband, that didnt not bode well. i know in my heart that if the boot was on the other foot you would not be happy at all. double standards dont work well in a relationship, you cannot seem to grasp that.

 

you can be very selfish and not seem to see what hurt you cause to others.

you havnt moved on from your husband and it is very obvious to me and all.

what he did to you was horiffic, and you still forgive him!

 

i cant go on..............

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Looking at photos of you and I together, I no longer feel anguish, pain, hurt.... there are absolutely no negative feelings there anymore. I can gladly look at our photo albums (the ones you created each year of our relationship for me) and feel happy, maybe absentminded because I no longer miss you, my best friend, my partner, or what we had. I am looking forward to my future, more than ever, and I am not the slightest bit sad that you are not in the picture anymore. I will always love you, but now it's in a completely different way. I no longer hold you to a pedestal. You are merely a fraction of the kind of man I deserve. I now know I don't need whatever comfort it was that kept me coming back to you, and you me. I have found it in so many other places.

I no longer need to speak to you. You have nothing to offer me, and why would I want to be friends with the likes of you? Although I forgive you (I must in order to move on) I will never forget. Because of this I know how to deal with future relationships in a healthier way. I know when finally "enough is enough". I will never let myself be in that sort of situation again. I will never put up with that sort of .... again. I now know when to walk away and never look back -- unlike in our relationship. I hope you mature and learn to handle your emotions and physical self in a better, healthier way, so that you CAN be your best. I know you have it in there. I hope you get clean, get work, get happy, and make me or yourself proud at least. Goodbye, E.

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One year ago today the judge signed our divorce decree. You were shocked at the news that it was done...thought you had 90 more days. You were so unaware of it all, asked if there was any way to stop it. I told you "no, it's done. If you'd read the message when I sent it, maybe, but it's done now". That was a lie. I could have stopped it. I could have called the clerk and told her not to file the documents, even if they were signed. She would have pulled them off his desk or held onto them. But would there have been any point in that? You had years to work on us and did nothing. What could you have done if you'd had 90 days that you failed to do in the two prior years?

 

You put no effort into anything except insulting, degrading, and hurting me. Not one card, not one flower, not once putting in the effort to keep what little hope I had alive. You continued to lie and deceive and would today, if I'd let you talk with me. Sorry I made you feel sad with my last email, but I think that was the same emotion you expressed over Star Trek ending, wasn't it? The depth of your emotions never ceases to amaze me.

 

Winston Churchhill said, when you find yourself wading through hell, keep going. I'm going to make it through this.

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I miss you.

Maybe it's the autumn weather. Maybe it was sitting in class today-- sitting in that same classroom with the same teacher, and almost expecting you to text me throughout the night, keeping me company, keeping me entertained. Maybe it was coming accross your picture. Maybe it's knowing that Halloween was always your favorite holiday (do you still dress up?).

I don't know.

But I miss you something fierce.

 

The thought occurred to me tonight that even though you said maybe one day we'd be able to be friends again, you were lying. It's been months since we last spoke. Not one email. Not one phone call. Not one text message. Nothing.

You never intended to speak to me again, did you?

 

Why can't I get over you?

 

And I'm trying so hard to be his wife. I'm trying so hard to make him happy-- to think of his happiness. But I keep wondering if I'm making a mistake. Is it all just still fresh in my mind, or do I really not love him as much as I'd like to believe? I don't know what to believe anymore. I thought I knew it all-- at least enough-- but you've made me doubt myself. I no longer know what I'm doing. My confidence is gone.

 

But I suppose you don't really care, do you?

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I miss you. Not having a great couple of days. All I wanna do is cry.

It seems pretty obvious now that there is a huge gap between us. I guess that's my cue to let go. I don't wanna!

I'm starting on a new journey now. A journey of discovery. A journey to find myself. I'd rather have had you by my side but I guess it's not to be.

I still believe we could have been great together. If only we could have left our baggage at the door and been completely open and free with each other.

I hope one day you stop running, long enough to realise what could have been and just how much potential you have.

It's braver to admit you made a mistake than to stubbornly hold on to the thought that you were right.

I'll always love you and whilst the hope may fade, it will never die x

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I miss you more than ever today.

 

I don't know why. The whole way home from town I was crying. It has been a few days since I have had a decent cry over you, and I don't know why it had to be tonight.

 

Perhaps it is because you are out at the bars and clubs, and I had no plans to go out tonight.

 

I hope, after you stop bar hopping to fill the void, you will come back to me.

But the part of me that you hurt does not want you back at all.

 

I am so confused tonight.

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It's fantastic that you're just ignoring me...really. I'm about to leave on my longest business trip yet, I remember when you told me you'd give me something that smelled like you to take along with me. Now I'm just going to be alone, in a hotel room, in some 3rd world country.

 

I'm so glad I was able to be your crutch through the hard times this year...this is a wonderful way to show your appreciation, taking the cold, easy way out...not talking at all, being patronizing when you did...

 

how the hell am I still stuck on you??

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It's beautiful outside today.

The sun is shining, the wind is blowing; the temperature has dropped to the point where you'd need a light jacket to step out.

I remember the last time the weather was this beautiful.

Do you remember?

It was before this whole mess began, when we were just best friends without any idea that months down the road we would cut each other out forever... We spent the entire day together, walking around the mall and talking.

You held my hand.

In the midst of the office buildings, there was a man-made lake. You lead me there and we sat in the grass talking as the ducks swam by. I commented on the weather, concerned that the clouds gathering accross the sky would bring rain and drive us away from this beautiful, magical place. You assured me it wouldn't (and you were right), and so I lay my head against your chest and breathed in the scent of your shirt-- the scent I always associated with you. You put your arms around me and ran your hand through my hair.

 

It was one of the best days of my life.

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I guess I can't find the point of relationships at the moment. Really, what for? Just so we learn and grow? Although I can conceptualy accept that, emotionaly I can't. Because if it's all fleeting then why do we even put the work in? Why dream of the future? Why do you now know how I what I do when I'm sleepy? For what exactly..?

 

I guess we weren't that inlove, I guess it wasn't that special. You're slowly becoming a stranger, you, my second family. How ironic..! Not crying, not fantasising any more, just a numb sadness and disillusion.

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I miss you so much. We may not technically be over yet, but I know it's coming. I know you're with another guy as I write this.

 

I miss your gentle hugs. I miss your smile, your dimples, the way your eyes light up when you are excited. I miss that look that could keep me going for days. You haven't looked at me like that in far too long. I miss your random, quirky messages. I miss your easy laugh. I miss your scent. I miss your soft skin. I miss the way you clutched on to my arm when you walked beside me. I miss you stroking my beard. I miss the meaningful silences. I miss your naturalness. I miss you so much.

 

I don't know how this happened. We were so great in the beginning. I wish you weren't scared of letting someone get close to you. I wish you wouldn't dig for minor differences just for an excuse to distance yourself from me. I wish you would let me love you.

 

It's driving me insane that you are out right now with another guy, that he's the one that gets to listen to your lyrical voice. I am listening to an old voicemail just to hear it. It is like a drug that I know I have to put down, but can't. It's killing me inside knowing that you are out right now, holding another man's hand, clutching his arm, giggling at him like you used to do to me.

 

I shaved my beard because I couldn't keep imagining you running your beautiful little fingers through it anymore. I needed a change. That was three days ago, and you still have no idea that I did it.

 

I wish you would accept that you deserve to be loved. I love you. I miss you.

 

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Why do you drop me a one or two liner email every few months? You have no right to ask how me and the dogs are doing. You left us. You walked out the door. You closed our accounts. You shut the phone off. You stole my cell phone. You took the last money out of my purse. You never returned my calls. I had to leave our home because it was uninhabitable. And now you actually think I will tell you how I am doing???

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Not crying, not fantasising any more, just a numb sadness and disillusion.

 

Wow, that hit me. The numbness is good in that it hurts less, but its also sad to think we can feel that numbness when we have come from a position of such incredibly strong feelings.

 

I feel the same way about that post, it is hard, but just remember that its the journey thats worth it, the journey of life, the journey through the relationships, and even though it hurts, its all worth it.

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Sorry, I don't mean to spam, but I have to get this out.

 

I am numb. I tried to eat something just to occupy myself, but it tasted gray. I have no appetite, anyways.

 

You said I was special, you said you cared about me. You said you actually wanted to be with someone who cared about you, for once. What happened? How can you be so indifferent? If you were mad, or upset, or sad, or anything, I could deal with that. But you're totally indifferent. How could you be so indifferent towards something you actually cared about? I can't believe what we had meant so little to you.

 

I miss the desert. We were alone together, and the sunlight was fading, and you leaned over and kissed me. I have never been happier than I was at that moment. How was that only a month ago? Where did we go wrong?

 

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I just wanted to say to you that you are so messed up, you lied and exxagerated(spelling?) so much about me, it makes me wonder if what you told me about your ex is true! although i know you and her are both pieces of "poo" as you have also said I enjoy the smell of it, I wish you would go and eat it. I don't care if you have a mercedes or millions of dollars because you will always be a snake, remember how you got the money now that you and your family are wasting it on pointless things, and then you talk about my family arguing when you have never seen such a thing, you step father is racist, your mother is ditzy and very cold, your brother is a pot head and his girl is just whatever.

 

You put on this act to win women over, well i fell for it, and then you became someone else. wonder if the girl your with knows how many times you slept with me while dating her. I awlays wanted to tell you hopw your breath smelled like rotten azz... you always opened and closed the i love you door on me, wth you said it first! except maybe i was the only one you was really in love. You constantly found ways to put me down, i had to understand YOUR situation but you never could understand mine. I have lived on my own for 2 years, you live with your parents and have free babysitting, even when you move into the mansion in Jan. you will have your own apartment and your kids will be living in the main house with your parents!!!!

 

and my gosh you complained when my dog took a crap on MY floor, but how about the fact that you still live with your parents and 4 smelly dogs and the house stinks!!! It was always filthy and dusty, I needed to sleep as close to the wall and window as i could for fresh air. the way you let your daughters ear infection puss all over her face and hair and not clean it and left dirt under her long nails, my gosh!!

 

And you said I wore a miniskirt to our friend so I could seduce you and i put ur hand on my down there, oh please you get excited seeing a woman flashing in a movie...You used me, you told her we both knew and agreed we would not get married, guess you were speaking for urself, you were talking about us movingin together and I told you i needed time to live on my own until I was steady. You will be known as the liar ex by me. I pray for the day that you don't cross my mind at all even though now its only in anger.

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I'm scared. It's not that I think that I will feel this way forever...I'm scared of how long this will last. I'm scared of how long I will continue to love you. I'm horribly unhappy that I thought you were the man that I was going to spend my life with and now I can't think of you without feeling endless sorrow...a bottomless pit of pain.

 

I am scared of love because I really thought that this was it. That you were it. I'm scared of becoming hopeless and jaded because of you. I'm scared of the power that you seem to have over me right now.

 

I don't want you anymore. I want strength. I want hope.

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I don't understand It seems if I did you wrong but it was you that constantly cheated and mistreated me. I don't want to hate you but with everything you say and everything I know now, its become increasingly hard. I just found out today that you have been cheating on me with her and others for a long time. You treated me like I was nothing and I treated you like you were a king. I really thought I wanted to be your friend when you left me but I realize that you are not really worth me friendship. Another thing I want to tell you, I'm tired of being stupid for you. When you left you took so much of me with you. I don't understand how you could do this to me after everything I accepted from you. And what makes it worst is that I still love you but I can honestly say I don't like who you revealed to me. I did not deserve how you treated me and I can't believe I'm still being nice to you after all you done. I know you feel like I'm the reason we did not work but the truth is, we didn't work because I wasn't what you wanted. The only thing I wish is that you left long time ago. That way I would be over you by now. And its sad that even though you broke up with me you still feel the need to hurt me. I want to hate you so muchhhhhhhhhhhh but my heart still love you to much. I hope that she can make you happy since I never could, BYE!!

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It should have been me there with you last night. It should have been me holding you. It should be me making you smile!

I'm so confused right now. I know that the relationship was in a bad way, that the love was once had, had started to fade. That I wasn't the man you fell in love with.

So why can't I let go, why can't I move on?

I know that pride and ego have a part to play in this but knowing it all doesn't help.

I want to be with you, to hold you, to smell you.

I miss you x

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Look I know that we are not together any more and I understand. I know that you don't owe me anything although, on the inside I feel like you do. I really hate that I feel this way but I must get over it and it must begin today. This is the only way for me to move on. I just want you to listen to me and allow me to say what I have to say. First of all I want to say that I am not really sure why and when you stop loving me or even if you ever loved me. But I know I was good to you in the relationship and it doesn't matter what you think. Secondly, I want you to know that I know more about how you cheated on me with [email protected]@@ as well as other women that you met online and here in the city. I never said nothing about it because i felt like I would lose you. But I lost you anyway! I can't continue to talk to you as if were friends and I like you because we are not friends and i truly don't like you. I also want you to know that I hate the way you treated me. I allowed you to cheat on me and emotionally abuse me everyday. Although it may have not been everyday, it sure felt like it. I also want you to know about the headaches that you gave me. I don't understand why you did the things you did but I do know you did them. I sometimes feel like you them because I allow you to do. All I know is that today is the last day I will allow you to have all the power. Its today that I say good bye to you and all that you are made of. I always wished that you would change but you could not change because you didn't care about me and now I realize that. SO BYE!

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The day you left me, I posted on Facebook that there was obviously such a thing as too much honesty. You replied that honesty could never be a bad thing. It's a shame you didn't live by that.

It hurts more to find out you've lied or not told the whole truth than it would if you told me straight. You are only deceiving yourself and pushing me further away.

I hope you realise this before it's too late x

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