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Well it finally happened. You texted me last week. I kept wondering and at times wishing you would and now that you finally did, i dont know how to feel about it.

 

Part of me is happy to hear from you. You're still thinking about me, missing me, I'm on your mind like you've been on mine. I so badly want to reach out to you. I want to talk to you again and part of me would do anything just to talk to you again. I want to wish you well back, I want you to know I hope you're feeling better because your depression had a hand in our break up. My god do I want to talk to you.

 

But the other part of me is angry. Its pissed. How dare you contact me after all this time! I was doing so well and 1 text feels like its undone me so much. 1 text is all it took to shake me to my core. How dare you think your apology means anything to me after you hurt me, after you lied to me and betrayed me! I believed in you, I introduced you to my family, a first for me, because I believed in you and in the end you betrayed me in the cruelest way. How dare you reinsert yourself into my life. Do you think your words brought me any solace? You're so selfish.

 

I've been so close to breaking NC so many times now because of your text. But somehow, i havent. I dont know how, but I havent. Maybe because I dont know what to say, or because i know you'll hurt me more. I'll wish you well, then what? I'll want to talk to you more, but that might not happen. It just wont be healthy for me, i cant do it. You made your choice, you need to live with them or reconcile our relationship, and i know you wont do the latter. So leave me alone.

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I just want one day to pass without me crying. I know i will be sad for longer, but i just want it to start hurting less. It's not that i loved you co much, i was holding back, so no, we didn't give it all our best, at least i didn't. I would love to contact you now, but i know there is no reason to do so. The part of me that wants to contact you is just wishing things were like they used to be. Our daily skype sessions, our morning/night messages, everything. Most of all if i could turn back time, i would express my feelings a lot sooner, i would tell you that i had a plan, i didn't want to do long distance either, i wanted to plan to close the distance. I wanted you to know that. You found out the last day. I wonder if that made you think. I doubt it. Worst part is i have to accept that you don't care anymore.

Still, i hope you have a good morning and an amazing day! I'm not, but i am getting there!

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Who'd a thunk that pictures as far back as 2008 could hurt that much. Not like I didn't think as much but I always give benefits of the doubt because I want to believe if someone portrays themselves as kind, caring, loyal, loving and not a liar then who am I back in the day to think any other of them and you certainly were one years later to get riled up when called a liar. haha hit close to home, huh! Scared you that I actually saw you for you but still loved you, you didn't know what to do with that, did you. Stumped you. Can love and not want to marry, to want both you need to trust the other and we both know I didn't and rightfully so. Vindicated.

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Sometimes I wish we never met. We could have had such a good life together. I don't know why you can't see it. I shouldn't have reached out to you. It was nice to hear that you miss me and I'm everything you want but I don't want to be with you. You're too much effort and it's not worth it anymore. I tried for over 2 years and you made it so much more complicated than it needed to be. Don't tell me things you don't mean. I really wish I never met you. When am I supposed to move on. I hate this. It makes a person never want to fall in love again. The heartbreak almost isn't worth it. I'm so mad at you.

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I miss you. Memories keep popping up as if they're telling me "remember this?Now, cry.Cry it away cause it will never be happening again." Maybe it's how healing is done. I feel a lot better, still waiting for that one day without me crying though. I am also going silent to my friends. There is nothing more to talk about with them, i am just sad. I imagine myself a month from now, something great happening in my life and i will be wishing for you to be there, for me to be able to call you or send a picture like i used to. My friend would be with me and ask me about my sad face she saw seconds ago. I would just brush it off with a "no, i'm ok" and inside i'll still be saying "i miss you" and wishing for that one day...

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I really want to know how you are. I want to hear you. I want to learn about your life, what's new, how's your family, how are your dreams progressing? I want you to want me back, to start planning to give what we had a second chance cause both of us weren't completely in it from the beginning. I want all of these but i know you won't come back and it hurts. It still hurts. I miss you like hell and i want you to know that, but you never will.

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Today is a bad day. I woke up crying over you. I worked with tears in my eyes and i am crying again. It's almost as bad as the first day. I was doing so well. I have such strong urges to contact you, to check your FB. I had to change my notification sounds cause every time my phone beeps it startles me. Tomorrow will be better. I miss you like hell.

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Yesterday was indeed a bad day. I was so close to contacting you. I am so glad i didn't. I kept telling myself that this is the only way to go. One more day and i will be closer to freedom. Closer to not thinking about you without crying. Closer to maybe talking to you again without these feelings. Maybe even closer to a reconciliation after months or years. I know this NC is good for me, it's the only way i will get perspective and i am getting some. I am growing and it feels good. In a month from now i will have made drastic changes in my life that will definitely help me move on. At that point i think i will be able to talk to you again without being afraid of hearing that you have a girlfriend. MAYBE that is when i will be able to see you only as a friend. Till then i have to resist texting you as much as i want to, as much as my gut is telling me that this is not over.

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Im a mess. second day in a row. I really wish this will just pass and tomorrow will be another better day. It's almost like day 1. I have strong feelings to getting back together. Thoughts of sending you an email pouring out all my feelings even crossed my mind in a chance that you want to get back together but are afraid to reach out. Then i laugh at how stupid that sounds.

 

 

I really miss you.

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Really cool pic you put up. You are still as handsome as the first day I met you I still fancy you so much it hurts. Such a shame that you do not seem to be interested. I think we could do so much better this time around. If only. Oh well, man's rejection is God's protection. Most likely there is a very valid reason why we were never able to hit it off properly. We appear to be incompatible and you appear to be indifferent. Crap.

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Hey, how are you, hope youve been well these past couple of months. Youve popped into my head. I was away with the guys for the weekend in another city, really medieval layout to it, reminded me of the last city we went to for a break away. I still regret how things ended and where we are with things, but not much more I can do about it. I really hope youre well and have been enjoying things. I cant believe that apart from that brief meetup in early February its been nearly 5 months. I cant decide if it feels like it was only yesterday or 100 years ago, I would love to know if you regret things and find things even slightly difficult or if Im just crazy or something! Ive had other breakups and healing/grieving/moving on, but just dont know how Ill get to that point with you, just cant see it right now. Anyway, take care, my best to you and your family as always.

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I am so sad. I can't stop thinking of the good times we had and what went wrong.I should've been more open to you but i doubt that would make any difference. Now i am sure you have moved on. I am almost sure that when we talk again you'll be telling me how you've met a new girl and moved in together or something. I don't want to even imagine. I love you. I want you to know how much i miss you, but that won't help. I still wonder if you miss me. I think you do, but again, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Another bad day has just begun. When are they going to stop?

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Pretty much every one of my observations have been correct, even your mom agreed, despite what she might've told you. And no, you didn't love me. You don't even know what love is. If only you stopped focussing on my actions, and the things I said when I was upset, and looked at your own for a moment...ask yourself, the things you did--are those the actions of someone that loved me? No. They're not. I went from meaning the world to you one day, to meaning absolutely nothing the next. Did you ever even realize that you left me out of the blue with basically no reason, other than to be with someone else? And on Valentine's day of all days. It's pretty damn hurtful. Sure, you didn't physically cheat on me, that I know of, but there's such thing as emotional cheating too. It's just as hurtful. You checked out of our relationship and were more-than-likely already thinking about this new relationship before you ever broke up, yet you acted like everything was fine. That's emotional cheating. Your mom telling me that those opportunities with your new boyfriend came up rather suddenly and too soon, even in her opinion, is an understatement and complete bulls**t. You thought about this before you broke up. I know you did. I know you too well. You got a case of the grass is greener syndrome. I was understandably upset. I made mistakes. I said things. I did things. I wasn't thinking clearly. I do see my own faults now though, and I'm working on them, but I still feel my 'faults' were no excuse to leave if you actually loved me, but I'm accepting it for what it is. We never even had a major fight. I remember telling you after you broke up that it felt like you weren't mature enough to be in a satisfying relationship. You agreed. Yet you jumped into another one anyways without giving any time to yourself to work on your own flaws. Now that I pointed out the obvious, Do you honestly think that was a good idea and perfectly healthy? And did you honestly think that I'd be perfectly okay with it? You know that's just an 'emotional band-aid' right? I bet things moved rather quickly to reach the same level we were at in our relationship right? I bet all your thinking about is how great your new relationship is huh? It might be great, but more times than not, people that jump from one relationship to the next like that are just rationalizing how great the new relationship is to justify breaking up with their last partner. Things move quickly and they don't get to know each other on an emotional level and they don't see the flaws until later. I know you were hurt by what you did. I know it hurt you to hurt me like that. I really don't want to talk about this stuff anymore, and I haven't been, but when you ignore my good news, it causes pain and makes me want to say these things. And it probably hurts you to hear them. It's why you were ignoring me in the first place. But hey, I've never heard anyone say, "the truth doesn't hurt". So why continue to inflict more pain on the both of us? I've been nothing but forward-moving with you lately. I've been nothing but positive with you. At the same time, I've given you time, I've given you space. If it's not enough, tell me. Ignoring your problems doesn't solve anything and it comes off as stubborn and immature.

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Day seven of NC and it feels like a month. Unless I am fully engaged in something, you are on my mind. Every moment. They say your heart belongs to the first person you think of in the morning, and the last person you think of at night. So apparently my heart still belongs to you. Not that you care....

 

Are you missing me AT ALL?? You panicked when I outlined NC. Said you didn't want that, didn't want to lose me. You really had an agenda going, that involved me keeping you company and stroking your ego, while you shop around for this Magical Mystery Woman who can make you all twitterpatted like your b*tch of an ex. Honestly, I never thought of you as SELFISH until now. I never thought of you as WEAK, until now. I never thought of you as quite this broken, until now. It's really sad... and sort of unattractive actually. But I still love you. See, because that's how love works- you accept the person with ALL their flaws, and love them fully. Perhaps you'll finally realize that when try to date someone else. Someone who may not be so accepting of your crazy schedule, extreme hobbies, and unconventional living arrangements. Someone who won't understand what you've been through, and why you are the way you are. Someone who will stomp on your heart just like your ex did. I don't wish that on you, I really don't. But I think that's where you're going to end up. And I think you're going to regret letting me go.

 

I was stronger than you expected, wasn't I? You seemed really thrown that I wasn't willing to jump at the chance to be your friend. That I demanded more, and won't stand for being devalued and demoted to a spectator on the sidelines of your lovelife. That I requested no contact and am now standing by it, even though it's SO DAMN HARD. One of us has to be strong here. I guess it has to be me.

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Last evening i had another glimpse of how it would be once i stop feeling sad. I felt strong again, confident, planning for my future. It was amazing! There was actually some amount of time i didn't even think about you. When i did, i felt lovely. I missed you but accepted that we weren't together.

 

Then the night progressed and i felt like i used to before you started being distant. I felt how much i love you without even crying. It was like everything was going to be ok. It was as if you were missing me too. I honestly felt the connection we had early on, the one i lost once you got distant. I tried falling asleep and i couldn't . I slept early in the morning. I cried a bit. Most of this experience though felt like i was accepting that we are not together and that we will probably not be together any time soon.

 

I am still leaning towards keeping you in my life somehow. I am exited with my single life at the same time. I call this progress! I genuinely miss you.

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As much as i feel better, i also feel awful. I honestly, genuinely miss you. For some reason i do feel our connection, it's weird. As if you're thinking about me and caring. It's more likely just my mind trying to sort all of this out, but still. I really really want to talk to you again to see how you are doing, but i know i am not ready for it. I have set a timeline on when i will contact you again, or at least check to see if i am ready to do so. I am living my life, i don't need you, i never did and that's what makes it harder, i love you, not the idea of you and i can live without you exactly as i was while with you. Our break up didn't ruin any plans of mine, just my dreams of a probable meeting we were almost planning. That's it.

 

I want you, but i don't need you and that's the foundation of a perfect relationship for me. I am sad cause we lost that chance. I am sure that we will keep in touch. I can't wait to talk to you again, maybe in time i will realize that it really wasn't meant ot be, maybe i will find out your bad side finally and hate it. I dunno. Right now i have a lot of stuff to do and i am exited. I cry every time i get home though. It's so surreal.

 

I miss you.

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Hey, I seem to be at the start of something new, but its causing me to think about you and how things ended way too much again. I keep thinking that the way it ended has left me with this need for closure. And I really really don't like this status quo. Whatever about relationship status, I hate that we have to be nothing to each other, that things ended so abruptly and so badly. It confuses me too. I guess, just for my part and what I played in getting things between you and me to 'this' point, I am sorry. You lied to me, you treated me with so little respect and you were so cold and selfish, which intensified at the end, but nonetheless I have to say Im sorry that I hurt you as I did in the closing stages of things. If only for my own benefit. And yea, Id be lying if I didn't say I do miss you at times still. I wish you and your family well

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I can still remember the last time you kiss me and the way you smelled. Your comforting hugs which faded and gone cold until we parted ways.

I cry in my mind right now while on the outside I stare at nothing. I love you. It was 7 years. It was beautiful and you know it. And you loved me. But you grew tired, you lost hope in a span of weeks????? 7 years it was?

How can you look into my eyes past the tears? why do you tell me that I am only choosing myself when I want you to stay so bad? why? Why does it seem like you are telling me its my fault?? When I ask you if 7 years was nothing your response was always "you should ask yourself" What did I do wrong?? What made you feel like it was only you who kept giving when I gave you EVERYTHING I HAVE. And i was willing to give you more?? Why me? I trusted you and you hurt me!!! All I ever wanted in the world was YOU! YOU who you know is imperfect. I love every imperfections and shortcomings. The only thing I ask for you is to stay and you left me. Now I'm here I don't know where to start. How do I tell my friends who were hoping we'd be married? How about our portmanteau which will be our official hashtag on our wedding. How did it happen? all of our plans together is no longer existing in you? How could you not think of me and how this pain will crush me and tell me that I will be okay? How dare you hurt me my love and yet I still love you. I still want to touch you and to hug you. You kissed me 3 times and looked into my eyes last Saturday. I didn't know it was the last. Why do you have to make it so hard for me? You are so perfect for me my love, and yet you don't love me anymore. It was only last month when you keep telling me to not give myself to anyone else but you whenever we make love. You kiss me every morning, I wake up in your arms and kiss me everynight before we go to sleep. How could you kill a heart that does nothing but love you

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Good morning! How are you? How's work? Did you move? Are you happy? Do you miss me? I miss you. I'm still not ready to talk to you, i am expecting things to happen. I am struggling to see if it's a good idea or not to contact you cause not being open enough was the problem on my end to what happened to us. Maybe i am making the same mistake? Then again, there is no rush, if we are meant to be together again at some point, one more month of me not contacting you won't make a difference will it? I hope you miss me, i hope you want me back. I do.

 

Today before i even opened my eyes you were on my mind. In my sleep i was trying hard not to think of you. Failed.

Have a great day!

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F you. You have changed so much I'm surprised you recognize who you are in the mirror. This whole tiny bit of fame really got to your head. All I've done is try to love you the best I could while you tried to create this crazy career. I'm sorry that I was skeptical that you were dropping out of college (that you were getting paid to go to) to sit on your ass and play for 8 hours a day while making $50 a day. Sorry that was hard for me and your family to accept. But you saw it as us being against you.

 

You said this is your time to be selfish, and honey you're doing an awesome job of it. Get that career going - don't look back because I won't be here. You made me feel like I was the unreasonable one when CLEARLY there was something going on between you two. You made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be a part of your world and that I just didn't get it. I was supposed to sit back while you flirted with girls behind my back and lied to me about it. You got this tiny taste of "fame" and you dropped me so quickly. Who loved you when you were an unemployed alcoholic and pulled you out of your depression? Who stood by you while you changed your mind again and again about your career? Who told everyone to back off when they said you weren't good enough for me? So quick to forget that.

 

You say I'm the love of your life, you'd never find someone who makes you as happy as I do and there aren't a lot of girls out there like me. Well, you're right about one thing. Good luck in that superficial business - I'm shocked that you think you belong. You're no longer the man I loved and it breaks my heart to see that.

 

I hope you let go of your anger and resentment towards your family. You are NOT easy to deal with and they've tried the best they could.

 

You acknowledged my feelings and admitted that what I was going through was hard but then you went and did what you wanted anyway. You think you can come back to me? Go ahead and try. I can't wait for the day when you realize what you've lost. F you.

 

This is so hard because I know I love you but I think I've known I haven't been in love with you for a long time. I wasn't excited when you came back from Poland. I didn't even want to kiss you. I was miserable every moment you came home because I felt like I was second to a girl you met online 3 weeks ago. And it looks like I was. 3 years of a great relationship down the drain because of your ego. One day you will look back and know what you've done and I hope it haunts you.

 

You don't think this is the end for us and you're still going to marry me you say. But somehow I'm good enough to marry but not to stick around with while you take in all this attention. Funny how that works. Never in a million years did I think this would be how we ended. We were so solid, so good. But you changed and I changed too. I lost myself in our relationship and that wasn't right and I know that.

 

But I'm done feeling sad and worthless. I'm so pissed at you. And I'm mad at myself for not sticking up for myself more during our break up. For rolling over when you said I was the one being ridiculous and that I was the one making a big deal out of nothing.

 

You were right about one thing: you could never give me the life I want. I feel nothing when I look at pictures of you. I only feel jealous when I think you've moved on. I've known you weren't the one for me for a long time but was just to scared to admit it to myself. So go ahead and get with that girl you seem to value so much who is just like you, you deserve each other truly.

 

Wow I didn't think I was that angry.

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