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I ve almost finishes wrinting my suicide letters. Yours is the one that's missing, because it's so damn hard to write. You don't deserve my death, and I don't deserve this ty life without you. Guess we have a paradox.

 

Please DON'T DO IT! You have people who loves you!!!!!!!!!!! If you needed a sign to not do it, THIS IS IT!

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My life, after all you have done to me, I still love you. I still think about those amazing five years. I miss you. It's been 22 days without talking to you and I really want you to miss me, but I know I shouldn't. I should be angry. I should hate you.

 

The worst part of it all is that I don't. That I still wake up trying to find you in my bed. I wish you would come back. I confess. In my dreams you're asking me to try again with you. Every song has your name, every single thing here reminds me of you.

 

I miss you.

 

Always.

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2 months later. I haven't felt depression like this in almost 20 years. I thought I was going to grow old with you. Now I'll hate you until the day I die. You left a scar that feels like it will never heal.

 

We'll never be friends again.

 

God, I hate you so much for making me feel this way all the time.

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It's been almost 3 months of NC, and I blocked you today on FB. I guess after all of this time, I still expected you to come running back to me. I don't know if I actually miss you anymore or if I even love you, but knowing that you are happy without me makes me so miserable. I've been in a constant depression since last April and it seems to linger while you go on with your life.

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Although i wasnt perfect, my love for you was real, if only we had communicated better, we'd have got the best out of eachother, worked together like couples should, been a team. You worked yourself up over so many little "problems" that it snowballed and gained momentum, and now im here, alone,wishing id seen it sooner. You'd pretend everything was fine, and keep it all to yourself, why? It doesn't have to be like this, it could have been so so different, if only you would have relaxed a bit, and allowed things to flow. The atmosphere in the last month was horrible looking back, i could feel it tightening its grip around my neck, squeezing the little confidence i had left out of me, for fear of making a mistake in your eyes.

The guilt i feel is crippling, even though, deep down, wrapped somewhere in that tight knot thats been in my stomach for a month now, and isnt going away, is the knowledge that i did try, i did tow the line, but the clouds in your mind were so heavy and gloomy by that point, that you didnt want to try with me, you got so caught up in what wasn't to your liking, that you were blind to the efforts i did make. That doesn't take away from how awful i feel, how you are sat there now feeling "happier im gone", feeling like you made the "right decision".

As soon is i mirrored your actions you didn't like it did you? straight away questioning me as to what the problem was, why i was being quiet? All after a half hour..... Now imagine feeling like that for over a month, non stop,day and night... and then you say to me i didn't seem settled and happy....... is it any wonder??

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Tou must be insane for having the idea that I d give your things to your BF. I told you, I don't ever want to look in his face ever again. Had he come to my house, I would have beaten the out of him. Don't ever speak his name in front of me ever again.

And know it's very inpolite of you to say that you d come and then try to sent someone else.

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A few days ago out of curiosity I searched you up on FB and went on your page for the first time in a long while. Saw you changed your profile pic and that you started a new job and you seem to be really moving towards all you wanted to do these couple of years. I'm happy for you. I still do think about you extremely often but fleetingly. You were part of my past, and though I would say my feelings are finally passive for you now and have gotten over you nearly half a year ago, I still think of you fondly. You were a good guy E, I still care and wish you good things. You are part of some of my best past memories.

 

Oh and happy belated birthday! Last year I put so much stock into constructing the right email for your bday but this year I completely forgot.

At least it shows things have definitely changed.

Edited by Hazyillusions
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I miss you babe....so much. Taking the kids out of town for a couple of days just to get a change of scenery. We're going to the same place you and I stayed at last year, where we made love for the first time. I remember us talking about how the room was big enough so that next time we'd take all the kids. Well, next time is here....but you aren't. I wish when the baby comes that you'd come back to me, I want to take care of you and our baby.

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I can't do this. This is too hard. Please see me. This going out of your way to avoid me is ridiculous; if it's so emotional for you to see me yet not be with me, why don't we just figure something else out? Why did you have to break up with me right before you were moved to an office right next to mine, making it so easy for us to finally have in-sync lives where we could have lunch together and see each other during work and carpool Why did you give up on us You told me before that we could work through the fighting, that you loved me so much and would do everything you could to never hurt me ever again. Are you still flipping back and forth? You said you should feel like you're sure about marrying someone after 4 years and you're not with me, but then you also said you can easily imagine being with me when you're old and retired and being happy. You said you will have to settle for someone else, because no one could ever know you or love you like I do, and you would never know and love anyone else like you did me. Why can't we just try couple's counseling??

 

I know any answer to this would only hurt. He would say "I just do not want to be in a relationship with you or anyone right now, I have much less anxiety now being single. It is really painful, but I need to go through this pain. I can't see you. If it is meant to be, it will work out somehow. But it hasn't been working for a long time and I can't go back to that, and I can't do that to you either. We would just go back to the way we were in a month or so."

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(I didn't realize that I had posted here already this morning, lol, I feel like I have gone through a big change today.)

 

Thank you for breaking up with me.

I have never had my heart broken before. I have never experienced the pain of truly losing someone that I was completely vulnerable to, that I loved and cherished. I believe that to grow and develop into a strong, good-hearted person, that this is necessary. I will accept the pain and use it to grow, and I know I will have days where I feel bitter towards you, but I will do my best to truly hope only the best for you. I wish you happiness, just as I wish for myself to grow into a strong and bright person that spreads only light and positivity to others. Today I have truly begun the journey to re-building myself into the person I want to be. Thank you for your love and strength.

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I just wanted to say...I forgive you.

 

I am grateful, you showed your true form -- the cold harder player, little man you are, but I will forever cherish the good times we had. No one is completely 100% bad, right? I don't hate, love, or like you. Thinking back, it's funny how I begged for the relationship to work, but I'm realizing you actually did me a big favor, and this is for the best.

 

For the longest time, I blamed our break on myself, but it was you. One day, I wish you can be truly confident from within -- there's no reason why a man your age should cheat, I would've thought you learned your lesson, years ago. Your likelyhood of changing is low. You don't have to sleep with multiple women, to be a "man".

 

You'll never be faithful to any lady, because aren't confident in yourself. Oh, and you can keep the belongings, cause I don't plan on ever seeing you again.

 

I think I'm going to be okay after all

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I wonder if you realize just how much you've hurt me. Do you feel sorry for what you did? I cant decide if your cold and emotionless or not. The more I try to get you out of my head, the more you refuse to leave my thoughts. Idk why I'm wondering what you're thinking, you don't matter anymore. I need to redirect my thoughts better.

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This is a good place to finally put this down. In your last text to me you said sorry I didn't put as much into this as you did. I guess I just don't feel the way you do. I asked what that meant, then just said forget it, im done. That was the end 3 weeks ago today.

 

What I wish I would of said is, how do you know how I feel? You never asked me. I did things for you because I cared, but I was not in love with you. I think you think I was. But again, you never asked and I never ever said that to you. I couldn't fall in love with you because you kept me at arms length the whole time. I never felt close to you, there was not much affection, no talk of the future and you never told me how you felt, which meant you didn't feel much for me or you couldn't let me in, but who cares now. I wish you were honest and just broke up with me, but you made me do it so you didn't have to because you are a coward.

 

I fell in love with your family, your mom and dad, sister in law and your grandkids. Why? Because they would tell me they loved me, and would hug me and say they were happy I was in their family. Something you never did. So no, you didn't know how I felt and you never will. I just hate that you think I felt more then I did, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to make you aware of that now that we are done. You actually make my stomach ill and I put up with all of the crap way longer then I should of.

 

You told me that your X wife expressed to your therapist when you were married that you never hugged her, you didn't do something in bed, which I know now is you do nothing in bed and you only want to be pleased and put little to no effort into pleasing a women you just lay there in your 350lb glory and expect the women to do all the work. You really suck in bed! But when she left you for another man, she told you, I finally found someone who can please me in bed. I know she said that to hurt you, but it all makes sense now. She hated you because you did not give her what she needed. She lashed out at you because you did not give her what she needed. You acted like you had nothing to do with her being so angry. Well you did, but you will never understand. I am happy for her that she found someone who does fulfill her needs now. She deserves it after spending 17 years in a unaffectionate, sexless marriage. Im happy that I got out too, just wish I did it sooner. It all makes sense now.

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I suppose though technically we never dated, I've come to the realization that I'm just into you more than you are me and that probably will never change. I hope that I can go back to how things used to be, before I started to think of you as more than a friend and possibly much more. Not sure though at this point.

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I just wanted to say F you! I just can't believe how you toyed with my heart. You ruined my life completely! How you decided to come into my life... Knowing darn well about my PAST problems. If you didn't want any relationship, why did you waste my time? why vow we'll be together forever? Why did you beg? It was you who wanted commitment! Now, two f-ing months ago, you hit me with "This can't work. However, I do plan on talking to you in the future. Just give me time" because someone else caught your eye. Be a MAN and say the truth.

 

NO! You cannot come and exit my life whenever you want! Just incredibly selfish of you to even say. I am really starting to HATE, hate, hate you! It's so temping to not get revenge and ruin your life like you did to me! Don't come back, you know damn well the hurt is not fixable at this point. If you come back, you really feel I'm that dumb! Another thing, I finally went on a date... Yes, a date...And he treats me better than you ever did! The sad part is... I can't get over the "hurt" and "embarrassment"...

 

 

I am officially broken. I don't think you realize how much I'm hurt. You don't even care..

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I really wish I could talk to you right now. I keep trying to tell myself I miss the companionship, not you, but maybe I really do miss you. I dont know anymore, I feel so lost. I'm struggling so badly, I wonder if you're struggling too. Everything will get better when I move, that's what I keep telling myself, but I dunno if I can last that long. You make me hate myself.

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