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Nynnja

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I miss you so incredibly bad tonight. Really has been all day....and ive kept my mind occupied as much as possible until now. The terrible silence. The quiet solitude knowing you are carrying my baby inside you but you dont want me anymore.

 

We were so good together. Everyone told us. I wanted us all to be a family. You and me taking life head on together. And thats what it felt like until you turned so hateful and vile towards me that id wondered where the woman went with whom id fallen in love.

 

I miss your sweet kisses. Your hand in mine. You in my arms. You in my life...in my children's lives. You made me believe I could be loved again after so long feeling alone.

 

But you didnt sign up for my kids even though you knew I had them. And while im sorry our time got eroded because of custody issues id hoped you would still be here.

 

I wanted to be a father to her and the baby and your man....you and me....us...a family.

 

Are you seeing someone else...someone from work....while my baby grows inside you. Did he fill your head with bull.

 

I have to see you at the ultrasound that you made sure I knew the proper time for. While I wish youd let me be your man again, and a father to those little ones. Just wanted to make you guys happy.

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I don't get our monthly catching up conversations. Most of the time you initiate them but then don't seem interested at all to know more about me or share more about you. The whole thing feels so pointless and distant to me. I don't know if it hurts me, I try not to let it sink too much. But it scares me. It's like the you I loved never existed. Like I have been too blind and simply made it all up out of wishful thinking.

 

Seeing you still feels like I'm a few squares back on the path to my recovery. I miss you anyway, seeing you or not, but when we're not in touch it's easier to ignore it.

 

I'm no longer all sunken into pain and guilt. But the feeling of great loss, of the loss of something true, once-in-a-lifetime special, quietly prevails. I can't imagine being that close to anybody anymore. Not the way we were. I don't like myself, I don't love myself, I'm scared of letting anyone see me, know me, love me. I'm not into deep drama, more like an overall indifference and it hurts much more than the drama. Because one gets tired of drama and it goes away. And this cynicism (I've seen it in so many grown-ups), as poisonous as it is, is also convenient - easy to get used to.

 

I want to be alive. I want my heart to be opened. I want to feel real joy again. I want to have hope and... no, not to believe in fairy tales, but have trust in my path and myself. With or without you or anyone else.

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Second day of our agreed no contact, not doing too bad, thinking of you but not been upset, just been kinda hoping that you would text me but I know that wouldn't be good, I wonder if your thinking about me too and wonder if eventually I won't feel for you at all, it's so sad but now your with someonelse that's the way it's going to have to be. Wish you happiness and although it hurts I hope you learn from what you did to me, despite that il always care for you and be here if you ever need a friend, I love you

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My Dear,

 

I want this to be the last time to talk about you or us; us, as if we ever existed. We met 2 years ago, you were not free but I fell in love with you at once. I also felt immediately that I shouldn't have to, but still, this is life. I knew I would be hurt, more than ever before in 30 years. But we did not stop. At first I was only one of your many affairs, longer-shorter ones, affairs that touched you and got to your heart, affairs that didn't, you were using these women for something, but you never stepped out of your relationship. You're still with her. You made me believe, even told me, that I will be the one that you can leave her for. Now you deny it, even deny that you said you loved me at all. Almost 2 years have gone by with me waiting day and night for you to love me back, that you never managed to do. Recently you ended it by saying that 'if it would have been love (with me), I would have been able to leave' and 'I hope that one day I will meet somebody as my partner for life....'. You can't imagine what these words mean to me coming from you. You ruined me. But I could cope with that, I could get through this. However, the worst part is that we work together, closely, and you pretend now as if never ever anything happened between us, let alone that 'love' - or what word you use for it. This phase, a lover gone by again, is behind your back now, I can see that in your eyes. There is nothing in your eyes that show that we meant more to each other apart from valuable human relationship. And it kills me. I was also that stupid and moved here a year ago, literally 30 meters from the apartment that you share with your wife. No need to say what it means to me, walking the very same steps you walk every day and take the same bus your wife takes going to work. For you, it was very convenient, coming to me every single day when you felt like that, spending time with me until dawn - but never woke up next to me, beside me, in my bed. There were times when I felt that you really really want to want this for us, this feeling, this relationship but I also felt that you cannot do that. Something didn't let you and this is OK. It is life, you cannot force yourself. I just want you to be really happy. Want you to find the person you're looking for, to see you happy, really happy one day. With somebody who loves you as much as I do today.

I will get through this, I will cope with xanax and yoga and anything that helps me to heal, but I want you to see happy. Nothing else matters at this time. When I see your face in the office, talking to me, handing me papers, asking for my opinion, I just die a little every single day.

But this is me, my stupidity to have gone into this and I do not want to imply it anymore, talk about it anymore, I want to set you free of being forced of thinking about anything concerning us. I'll try my best to accept and move on. I just want to let you know that....there is nobody in my heart. Who is not you. I can't find any simpler way to put it. Find your peace, my love.

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You wanted a kid so much ... And then you fell pregnant... And then you put us into hundred of thousands of debt only to break up when our little girl turned 1 year old.

 

I didn't sign up to become a single dad and yet Catherine is my everything and you are gone ... Stealing half of her life from me and sleeping with someone else already.

 

I wan't to die ... And yet I have to live and achieve greatness to be the dad she deserves

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My love. I am truly sorry. I wish I was good enough. I wish I could show you in a way you understand how dedicated I was to being with you.

It was my fault. It is all my fault. I just want another chance. Again. I know you've given me so many chances. But I know you can't. You need peace and to be happy. I truly truly love you and regret meeting you - because I never wanted to feel this heartbreaking, aching loneliness. Knowing that you are in the world, but we can't be. St Jude, please help me. I am so crazy. I want another chance again. I want him to not give up on me.

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My kids were too much for you....but you were so good with them, even when the boys were being boys. Our girls wanted to be sisters....I wanted to take care of you guys, be a family...together. We got pregnant and it didn't take you long to decide you'd wished you'd never met me. You didn't communicate anything with me until it was too late. You've got my baby inside you, but feel fine taking a step back from me as you put it.

 

I haven't heard from you for one week now, since you sent me pictures of my kids that you took at an event. Why did you bother? Why? Why did you leave, without talking, without communicating, without even attempting to work through the simplest issues. You told me I'd stolen your heart and that the love we had was something you hadn't expected....when I told you you'd stolen my heart and that I was the luckiest man in the universe because of you...well...I was honest.

 

When your little girl ran up to me and hugged me at school last week...it took everything in me not to start crying...I miss her too. I miss you, our unborn child, and her. I miss us. We were great together. Now, instead of having a happy time at your next ultrasound....I'm dreading it....dreading because I know I still have feelings for you, still love you....and you won't reciprocate. I never thought we'd end up like this...never. But now, without me around, you don't have the extra stress that comes with me or the guilt you spoke of. Guilt for what exactly I don't know....guilt for ending us while you're pregnant, guilt because of someone else, guilt because you know you're wrong.....I don't really care....I haven't stopped loving you. You have your space now, I won't bother you unless its something related to our child.

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In the 6th day of no contact, been hard being Valentine's Day been wondering what you and her were doing, wish it was me, wishing for you to get in contact but dreading it at the same time because I know I'd be upset, can feel me missing you more but can also feel myself getting that bit stronger, less moping and crying at least! I miss you and love you

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You stood in my kitchen a month ago and said you had no interest in being with anyone. That you loved me, and always would. You wanted to focus on your life, get a house etc. A week later you got caught on plenty of fish, then the car appeared. I knew immediately. My heart sank, I have done nothing for 2 days. Thank god K was around friday night, I don't know how I would of done the whole weekend alone.

 

I can't figure out this feeling. I don't want you, I don't really miss you.. I kinda miss having someone around to talk to.. But I feel so crushed. Am I surprised you are with someone? Nope, I knew it was coming.. Everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie. Do I wish it was me? Nope. Am I jealous? Maybe.. I don't know and its so god damn confusing. I can't even figure out what stage of grief I am in.. and your out sleeping with some you were probably talking to when we were together.

 

Remembering how stupid, selfish and arrogant you are makes it feel a bit better.. Its so weird being okay one day, then horrid the next.

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Today is 61 days of not talking to you. My grief is strong today. I was ok yesterday on valentines day despite remembering our lovely special valentines the year before. I know you were thinking of it too. It was the first valentines celebration for us both. And today I can only seem to remember all the good times. We went from a struggling to a strong, thriving, loving relationship. In the beginning we were not sure we could work out together, but we both worked on our issues and built a great relationship that gave me so much happiness for more than a year. . You were one of my best friends. I still love you. I still miss you. Don't you still care? I know it was the right thing to do to break up since we want different things in the future. I know this. But . I am remembering all our moments of tenderness, the cuddling, the hugs, the tears we shared, the happiness we felt in discussing a future, the grief we felt when we discussed possibly breaking up. . I miss you so much.

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I miss you a lot today. So many little things popped up today that made me think of you, and I wanted to reach out and tell you about them. I don't know if I've even crossed your mind even once. I know this was my decision but it's a painful decision. I loved you but I know you aren't ready for anything. I just wish I could know how you were doing and that you're ok.

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how easily you kicked me out of your life, made me feel so worthless. through all the lies and manipulations my feelings for you still overwhelm me. i have every reason to be mad, every reason to hate you to the core. sadly all i want to do is hold you in my arms and tell you that i love you. i realize now that i mean nothing to you, that while i sit here depressed longing for you odds are i dont even cross your mind. all those sweet words were wind, all those sweet embraces were no more then your need for some warmth. you simply used me, it is one of the worst feelings i have ever expirienced.

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My ex (we'll call him M for confidentiality purposes) and I dated for a year. We moved in together and lived together for the last 4 months of our relationship. We broke up about a month ago, and overall have disputed our differences and discovered that we COULD potentially be happy together, except for one thing-

 

About 5 years ago, I did some modeling. The photos were topless but covered with at least a hand, bikini, or lingerie. M knew about the photos when we first started dating, but over time, said it hurt more and more as he began to care about me more and more. He also is bothered by my past because I bartended at a place with a corset for a uniform and at a Hooters.

 

He says that it is difficult for him to get past these things of my past and that he probably just "needs time to heal". He feels like he doesn't have anything left in him to fight them anymore right now, even though he misses me. I have spent thousands of dollars in order to get a majority of the photos removed from online, but haven't succeeded completely, and frankly am not sure if I will be able to.

 

M felt paranoid that people would recognize me from the photos, and said that he felt overshadowed by me whenever we went out in public. He said that he knows I did everything to make him feel comfortable, but that he "just might not have it in his DNA to date an ex-model".

 

I am so unhappy right now. It's been a month and all I can do is wait for him to "heal" and for time. Meanwhile, I am so depressed. I have never been one to be this caught up about a relationship, but I truly feel still that he is "the one". I have days where I feel like I'm just slowly dying. Previously being someone who is very into fitness and eating healthy, I can't even bring myself to work out.

 

What on earth do I do? How do I help him? He said that he wishes he knew why it bothered him so much but that he can't figure it out.

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I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop... It feels like we've been dating for 6 mos and it's been much shorter ... It hurts more than something that was had, felt and burnt out. At least something like that was discovered and rejected . This wasn't even brought to light, there was still so much to learn, so much to do.. So many things left inexperienced and hope crushed. You told me you don't go a day without being afraid of breaking my heart.. My first instinct was to think you don't care for me, Bc if you cared that thought wouldn't cross your mind. We would be in harmony on the same page. It's only when one one person cares proportionately larger that this fear is felt. I knew that it was objective feeling of mine and not oversensitivity , Bc I remembered my friend Sam was seeing a girl who said the same thing to him and that I what i told him. I remember thinking he was so blind to not see how out of the situation she was and he kept telling me he knew she felt things Bc of a b and c and I was convinced he was convincing himself she did Bc he was blinded by his emotions... That's what happened to me. I was so crazy about him that I couldn't see how uninvolved to me he was.granted he did a lot to play into my illusion, like suggesting we go to Vegas for his bday weekend and Valentine's Day , only didn't happen Bc I had my first weekend at a new job. There's a part of me that feels happy none of these things happened and that its ending now Bc I would have been more hurt and broken the longer I got whirled around in this emotional tornado of lies. But there's another part of me that would have just liked to see it through even if I ended up more devastated, Bc I'm still devastated now and I'll never know what could have been.. Only this time it's not my choice. I can't sit there and be strong for him and tell him no you won't break my heart when I know if he already thinks he will, that he will... That skypinh on vday w candy hearts was too much but a video I sent him for his bday wasn't... I'm starting to think his entire connection to me was physical.. I wish he never called me the moments I was upset or told me the feelings he had or adamantly cared about if I was seeing other people. All of those things contradict everything that happened and I'm left a confused fool. Tonight after work he's supposed to send me my last text and I know it will include " you deserve better , I wish you the best , I told you I couldn't have anything too serious bla bla bla" but secretly I wish he'd call... I wish he'd fight for me and tell me he didn't mean the negative things he said, that he wants me just as much Only I know what to expect and the negative anticipation is eating me alive. The band aide needs to be pulled off only I'm almost more afraid as to what happens after that. Life without him.. Life alone and dull with no one I can connect with. And I'm not alone, tons of guys pursue me, I have an amazing family , but no one compares to him.. I can't connect w just anyone like that and I wish he felt the same.. But I can't make him love me

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It's been a while. I've not spoken to you in over a year. I'm so proud of myself. It was hard, but I got here. I still hurt, I think perhaps I always will a little bit. Not because I miss you or want you back but because Of how you made me feel and the lies you told. I thought you were everything and the reality of who you were hit me square in the face. I was worthless to you in the end, my feelings were nothing to you. I don't think you will ever know how much I hated myself when you said being near me 'disgusted you.' I was honest with you about my body and bedroom insecurities from the very beginning. Yet they 'casuded your depression' and you could no longer fancy me because I didn't know how to be a s*x goddess.

 

It's still going to take me time to open up and trust someone again. But you, not you. You moved on so quickly after all that crap you spewed about spending time on yourself and with your son. I know you've taken her to all the places we went. Every single one of those places was my idea.... Makes me feel so angry. So used...

 

So yes I'm still hurting but I bless every day that I no longer have to see you or hear from you. I'm lucky I didn't waste too much of my life with you. I'm lucky I no longer see the mask of niceness you wear to hide the horrible person underneath. I have chances now to find someone who will accept me as I am and love me as I am. I deserve that. I always have and always will. The way people treat you says more about them than it does about you....

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Dear ex:

 

You are pathetic and I can't help feeling sorry for you amidst my anger. We could have had it all but you gave up at the slightest sign of trouble. You wanted everything to be perfect while you put in minimal effort. Screw you and all your friends. I was the best thing you could have gotten, and the only best thing you could ever get.

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all you had to do was say that i was nothing but sex to you and maybe this could have ended differently. instead every time i sugested that is all we are you fought to convince me otherwise, fought to convince me that i was special to you, that we are special to you. in the end you tossed me aside like an empty bag of chips, braking it off by saying you love someone else when just a week before you held me in your arms telling me how special what we have is to you. it is true that all the signs were there, the time it took you to contact me, the silly excuses that i could always see through but explained away because i wanted to believe in you. i was (am) a naive fool, something inside me still wants to believe that what we had was more then nothing. still wants to believe that somewhere inside there is a decent humen being.

 

you left me feeling worthless and alone.

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I'm sorry for behaving bad towards you sometimes, I'm sorry that I wasn't more understanding with you and that I didn't trust you more. You are such a wonderfull person and I'm sad that you are wasting your time with things and people that will bring you nowhere and that don't really care for you.

 

I'm also sorry that I stopped you from pursuing your dreams in some way, I really hope you manage to make your dreams come true and that you will be happy.

 

I hope that one day you realize that if you don't want to invest your work into someting you can't be happy. I hope you realize that people you follow so blindly will bring you to the bottom.

 

I really don't know how the change happened, or how you became who you were in the end of the relationship, I just wish you to get your head straight before it's too late.

 

As of me, I'll be ok, somehow I realized that I don't really know whether I would want to get back with you if I had a chance. Well not unless you change and I manage to swallow some things you're doing. But they say that people don't change (even though you did change a bit too much sadly) and it doesn't seem that I could cope with your behaviour.

 

I wish you all the best and I know that you deserve and can do better (in terms of your behaviour).

 

I just hope that one day you wake up and realize that you lost somebody that really cared for you and your well being and that that person is no longer there for you.

 

 

Btw. I'm having the time of my life with the girl you hated so much and said bad thinga about her, and now you turned into her. But she got her things straight and fixed her life , where are you standing with it?

 

Good bye and enjoy the show...

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