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I still miss you greatly, I hate how I wasnt too supportive with you and now I see my mistakes and errors, I should have been better with you and now I'm paying the price, I'm so sorry... I wish I could turn it all back and make you the happiest girl in the planet, but thats not going to happen... you're better off without me, you're happy now.

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While I don't believe you are missing me even remotely as much as I miss you now, things will not always be the same. Even with my recent NC, you still know you have me "on the hook." One day, you're going to reach out to me and I'll be loooooooong gone. Until then, my heart will bleed a little every day until I can take no more. Eventually, I will meet someone who treats me with respect, cares about working on issues with me, and wants to spend every waking minute with me.

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I have just picked up the dress for the wedding we were supposed to attend together. I miss you.

 

I know it's early days, with only 3 days NC but I have to fight inside not to text you, to ask how you're doing. You haven't told many/any of your friends about us. After our chat on Sunday evening I am still so concerned for you. I just want to know you're okay.

 

But! I'm mad at you! I realised how badly you had treated me at times. I almost always treated you well. You can be so cruel. And you can be a liar. Those aren't desirable traits.

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Are still together with your rebound? I hope your new guy makes you regret leaving me. He has to be up to something to have moved on you so fast and asked you to be his girlfriend within a week. What are you going to do when he proposes? Are you going to help him get his Green Card? He seems to know very little English and you seem to know almost no Spanish.

 

For the record, I am making my Ex move out. You never let it go. Your friends and family kept feeding your anxiety and insecurity. I hope you come crawling back to me.

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Trying to catch up on Hannibal. It sucks not having you tell me when the gruesome parts are over, but I'm a brave dog (no I'm not).

 

Also my middle aged neighbor has American flag patterned MC Hammer pants that look well-loved since the 90's. It's great!

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You said you don't love me and ended it after five years. You apparently still care about me a lot though. I have to rebuild my life.

 

When will you realise that you're nearly 32 and the workmates you hang round with and go drinking with are nearly 10 years younger than you? They're all moving on to other things in a few months and you'll be back where you started. Everyone who knows you thinks you're having a crisis. Your friends. Your mother. Drinking won't make it go away either.

 

I know you were lying about J. I saw the emails. I gave you every opportunity to tell me. But no. I hope I'm wrong for thinking you're a fool for not even owning up to it. You said it wasn't true but really? She's younger than you by a lot and she's getting a fresh start in a few months by going to another city. You're a fool.

 

I basically fled 200 miles to go to my parents. I'm ashamed that someone can make me feel this way. Wailing and crying from the grief and heartbreak. I'm a shell of my former self. I hope you are feeling terrible.

 

I'm going to get better and improve myself for me. Third day of NC and I'm getting better. I'll be a person I always wanted to be and be better than you ever thought. I stupidly think you might come back eventually, and through all my false hope I will be at a stage where I'm a better person than you and can either tell you where to go or for once hold the deciding cards if you want to reconcile.

 

I'll be better than you.

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I'm sitting here listening to Damien Rice songs and it seems like my emotions which usually inhabit a corner of my mind have expanded to fill the entirety of my being. They're just vibrating along with these songs. The most natural thing in the world right now is to sit beside you and play Cannonball for you and me to listen to, for you to melt into my arm, to look up at me, with inviting eyes, and needing to be kissed.

 

We don't do that now, though. You're somewhere else, with someone else.

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You sent me a message last night asking how I was doing. Luckily I could read it on my notifications instead of opening WhatsApp ,so as far as you can tell I haven't seen it or read it. I wonder if you even give a damn about how I'm doing or this is just to alleviate your own feelings.

 

The mornings are the worst. I truly think you'll regret this in a few weeks or months. Every one says I'm too nice. Well thanks to you, now I'm not. I still want you back and I still stupidly love you. Even though you say you don't love me. I'm removing myself from you so I can be better and you truly know what you've lost.

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You abandoned me. I stayed with you through everything you've been going through, and once things started going wrong for me, you just left. How could you do that to me? How could you do that to someone you love? The you were going through was 1000 times worse than what I was going through, yet you just gave up. You completely gave up on me. That's such BS. And stop with your stupid breadcrumbs. Leave me alone.

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I feel like an idiot for posting in this thread nearly every day. Yesterday was better. Today I'm wobbling.

 

You have the distractions of the events you organise to keep you busy and the positivity of the feedback to keep you going. I hope that you get what you want from your dream.

 

Sooner or later you'll realise that you regret what you've done to me. When the work friends who revisit your messed up drunken youth with move on to better things (in two months by the way). When you realise your oldest friends have settled down. It'll take a lot of strength from me to get better but it'll take a lot of apologising and you swallowing your pride to even get me to have anything to do with you.

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Almost broke over 3 months NC today to test the waters with you.

 

Decided not to because it is such a risk to sink into the depths of despair if you no longer care for me anymore.

 

Your birthday and mine are coming around.

 

I do not know if I'll send you the HB, probably not =/.

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I can't take it. I can't take it. While it should be so easy for me to walk away and forget you for what you did to me - sleeping with MULTIPLE women saying you loved me, want me to move in and that it was not emotional with them and you don't know why you did it. The cheating is one this, but the lying is more painful. You are a drug and I'm going through intense withdrawal. I'm assuming it's also a chemical imbalance since you took away the source of all my endorphin highs.

 

I do hope you are still getting help - despite the fact you said you told your therapist you're doing it for me. You need to do it for you. I had to cut off communication - no breadcrumbs - no IM - you don't get your cake and eat it too with me as your "friend". Friend's don't lie and cheat and break their hearts. You can't imagine how much pain I'm in - and I struggle more than the average Jane to shake it off. You know I was the best thing to ever happen to you. All I wanted was to be in a reciprocal, honest, faithful love relationship. Unconditionally. It doesn't work when only one of us commits to it. Thankfully, I have no regrets of anything because I know your issues are not mine. Your choices were all yours. Selfish. Narcissistic. Hurtful. Disgusting. I'm not beating myself up because I know I was good for you and to you. Maybe that's why you did it - did you think I was too good and you didn't think you could live up to it? I have no regrets because I was 100% authentic. I was me. I liked me when I was with you. You made me happy.

 

I hope you are continuing therapy for you. And learning about yourself. And getting over whatever insecurities you have about not being able to be with one woman who loved you dearly. I don't know if you'll call me after your 6 weeks of therapy and marathon. It's not the same this time as I now know your sick secrets of lying and cheating - FOR YEARS! While I'm hearing from my support system that I am very strong, I don't feel it. And if I do hear from you, I hope I have the courage to keep you away. I don't deserve what you did to me. And you don't deserve me. I do deserve love. And happiness. I just am so drained to have to put the energy in to start all over again with someone new.

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Hey A. I miss you so much. I woke up this morning with so much pain in my chest. It was heavy. I can't...I just can't. 15 months...I still can't get you out of my mind. I still love you... I want you to be happy with her. I hope she makes you happy.

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