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Where the hell are you!? Why haven't you texted me... I haven't heard anything from you since sunday, I miss you, I'm worried about you. I can't really believe this is what you want, after all the things said and done in our relationship, after how much you "cared" about me, now you just vanish... wow.

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ive been drinking. i want to msg u so badly. i miss u so much. i hate life right now. why did i let u in. why did i trust u. i thought u were different. i thought u were being honest when u promised it would be different this time. i thought i could love you and u wouldnt leave me. i wanted you forever. i wanted us.

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After posting the above, I went back and read some old threads about my ex, and I'm sort of sitting here in disbelief. I mean, he was not good to me so much of the time, especially at the end. And then it began to devolve into emotional abuse, and I ended things. And yet, two and a half years later, I'm sitting here, still pining for him. A part of me is definitely wondering what is wrong with me that I can't move on from something that was clearly bad. But a larger part of me just thinks he's an effing idiot. Because I read those old posts, and I saw how much I loved him and how much I wanted to make things work - and I saw how little he did on his end - and I'm just thinking, "Wow. He'll never know the love he gave up. He'll never know what he lost. What a sad, sad soul."

 

I honestly, truly don't seem to know how to move on from this... probably because I had tied so much of my self-worth into making that relationship work for six years that I don't know how to stop even though the relationship is long over. It's like I still think my worth depends on us somehow mending fences.

 

But honestly? What fences do I have to mend? If anyone should be pining and begging for forgiveness, it's him. Does it hurt that he clearly isn't? Absolutely. That's part of why I'm convinced no one cares about me. But I also know on some level that this says more about him than it says about me.

 

At least I know I'm capable of loving someone. At least I know I have a heart.

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I am doing very well with no contact. I hit 8 weeks on Thursday last. I love her still, but her emotional issues especially with men and her Exes never changed during our 11 months. I doubt her rebound is having an easy time of it either. Her emotional issues made it easier for him to sweep her off her feet. I am pretty sure he has ulterior motives. I cannot save her from herself. I have no idea what to do if she comes back.

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It's been 3 months since we last spoke...i still miss you everyday...esp now that I know you're back in town visiting your family...guess i should be thankful (?) that you're respecting the space between us and not giving me breadcrumbs...one day, hopefully soon...i would wake up and not think and miss you anymore...

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Today is my birthday. Last year, I still had you in my life. I am amazed at how quickly things can change just because of 1 person. I know I am not good enough for you, but I can still dream. I miss you. I am trying to get better without you but I can't. I still think the world of you. Will love you always. I am sorry.

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Um, hi. I can not contact you. You are dead.

 

I have been failing at work. I have been failing at work since you died, I now realize. I could not speak my pain of your death at my old job, and it had not occurred to me how much it is still affecting me.

 

I need you. You made me work hard, you expected me to stand up to my opposition. You expected me to put everything on the line, and you let me set the price. You held me accountable to my own goals. You expected me to be an adult, to speak my needs and wants, and to satisfy yours.

 

I miss you terribly and have not had a best friend like you, since.

 

I went on a website today. I went on several. I asked the mighty google, Why am I failing? It led me to grief. Well, I have experienced a lot of grief, so I clicked. Most of it was... avoidance, yeah yeah. Then, it said to write the deceased. And the bells went off. I have been avoiding you something fierce. I kept you in a corner when we were together, and I kept you in a private corner as a, well, dead person. And you do not belong in a corner. You belong as a front and center gift in my life, one I never valued publicly as much as I valued you privately. A gift that got me through the most difficult, anxiety-ridden period in my life. A gift, a piece of my survival, a source of joy and self-discovery. You were, in lots of ways, nearly everything good when nothing else was good, anywhere.

 

You are gone now. My job, now, is to do for myself what you did for me.

 

Guess what. It isn't working. I miss you terribly and I am doing an awful job without you here. Maybe what I need is to put a picture of you in my office, where I am reminded of what you expect of me. Maybe I need to process you as with God, fighting, wanting control, getting frustrated with my behavior. You told me you were worried about me in the public dating environment. You knew I was a lamb in the lion's den. I did not believe you. I felt hardened and strong. I was so very wrong. I was naive and ignorant.

 

After you passed, I could feel you judging my romantic (!) partners, none of whom were good enough and none of whom would have earned your approval. And you were right. But it was a feeling I wanted to shirk, because looking for someone who met your standards seemed impossible. Who could be you? Who, indeed? Well, I haven't met him yet. I finally met someone who, I think, would not offend you at least, though I am quite certain you would say he can't take care of me. Because nobody has taken care of me as well as you, ever, in my whole life. Not my father, not my exH, not any lover since. You set the standard, you. Older, physically unhealthy and unappealing, brusque in nature, of few select friends. You set the standard. And I never was good enough, in my heart, for the gifts you gave me. So how could I expect to find you again?

 

OK that is Post #1.

 

Post #2. So what do I do now, big guy? Huh? What do I do to get past this? I don't have you, I can't replace you. I must carry on and I must succeed. What do I do?

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I made a mistake last night, but it was also a huge eye opener. I called you on your stuff. And you didn't like it.

 

On April 26 you told me you didn't think M and M shouldn't have had baby M, but when they did you said you would do everything in your power to protect him. I asked if you felt your mom shouldn't have had you, and you said you're not suicidal but you would be better off if you weren't here. That's a pretty huge statement to make. I said that explains why you don't want kids, and you didn't correct me or say I was wrong.

 

So two days ago when you said you didn't feel you knew me as well as you thought you did, that really hurt me. But then I realized last night that I didn't know you as well as I thought I knew you. What man thinks his friends made a mistake having a baby simply because they are black? What man, who seems to have a wonderful life, thinks he would be better off not being alive?

 

I think the fact my Mom didn't approve of you because of your race really solidified how you feel about yourself, and that's unfortunate, because you are an amazing man. You treated me wonderfully. I said to you I hoped with time my Mom would come around. You said she shouldn't have to. I understand that, but I never asked you to kiss anyone's butt, jump through hoops or do anything else to impress her. I was just hoping that by seeing the amazing man you were, she would eventually look past your skin color. But you think I'm wrong for having that opinion. I know how she feels about you is wrong. I know that. But I can't control how she feels, and I was hopeful she would come around. But you think I'm wrong for that.

 

You say that the fact you dont' want kids is a recent development. But then explain to me how you could think it was wrong that M and M had baby M. They had baby M before I was in the picture. So if you didn't think they, two of your best friends who you think are wonderful people, should have kids, then you really were yourself open to having kids of your own? I really think not.

 

Your reaction last night and how angry you are, at first I told myself I never should have texted you, that I was looking to pick a fight. But by your reaction, now that I've slept on it, I really hit a nerve with you, and that's why it upset you so much. You've NEVER been agnry with me before. You were angry last night. And I was only repeating facts. Yes, I was looking for a fight, but if I was off base you would haev simply told me I was wrong, you wouldn't have reacted the way you did.

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hey, you almost got a nasty reaction from me because you still wont return my daughters clothes. It upsets me because those were clothes that me, family & friends bought, that were cute & should be wearing now as I always bought clothes a few months ahead so she could grow into them

 

but its okay, this is a game to you. I don't like to play games, cause it isn't nice, brings out negativity in me, I cant live with that, so im not going to bother even asking for them anymore

 

I've had her christened, celebrated her birthday & had outings in between. shes had 3 parties lol, shes had love, support, happiness, commitment, laughs & has new dance moves (learnt from me, cause you know I cant dance lmao)

 

so you know.. im in a better place, haven't reached the end, but its coming pretty soon. I'm on cloud 9, but not riding & mastering it like Goku does with Nimbus

 

Im in the process of forgiving myself for falling for you, learning with you, and "allowing" how bad you treated me. it was my first, I was young, naïve.. and in turn, once ive forgiven myself for your wrong choices, I can forgive you, because you had my all and didn't know what to do with it

 

our daughter.. ill pin it down to you just not being ready/mentally stable for responsibility.

 

things you did were way more deeper, but ill lable it at surface so I can focus on positives, and itll be easier to forgive

 

I sometimes wish we could actually talk about her, because shes so great. I wish you could be apart of witnessing her fast development, but.. you would be jealous & don't actually care like that

 

i was actually writing this to kind of update you on how much happier ive become, and to tell you how much has gone on with my boog butt, but, then i remember you don't care like that, and theres always negatives to my still naïve thinking

 

how you treated not only me, but our daughter has deaded everything i had for you, all that's left is just obviously wishing you could be somewhat civil so you wouldn't miss out

 

I hope the guy i really like, makes a move lol

 

bye

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just another difficult day. i don't know why I'm struggling with this for so long. you kinda treated me like crap and all around you just weren't that great. i think i mainly miss the attention. but i also miss the hope for something new. i got over you once and i was certainly over you for good. but you at that time hadn't gotten over me and for years you tried to start something with me. then one day i send you a friendly how do u do and in turn you decide to pursue me and out of mere boredom i let you in and allowed myself to forget how stupid that choice would be. now I'm pining for someone i really shouldn't have any attachment to because i let them go years ago. i am just really hurt that you would treat me like i never mattered in the end when we both know that isn't true. i know that you cant help how you feel but you were my friend and that is what hurts the most. i'll get over this eventually when my heart is finally ready to let you go completely. i will be stronger than I've ever been and i will never have to worry about you chasing me again bcuz you finally got your closure. My closure will come in knowing that you were not enough for me and although you hate me for telling her you truly deserved it. i regret it and I'm sorry that i did it but you don't mess with someones heart and get away with it. you knew you didn't love me and you should have ended it as soon as you realized it. but i don't hate you bcuz hate would be more than you deserve. i will come out of this feeling nothing but pity for you and your lousy life with ur back pains, lies and disgusting disrespect for your s/o and ur selfishness. i feel sorry for her settling for so little from you...but obviously you're settling for so little from her as well which actually makes you quite good for each other. I'm confused right now and hurting over your loss bcuz thats what happens when you love someone, but i know this will someday pass and i will thank heaven that i didn't end up settling for less than I'm worth.

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I absolutely hate that I've come so far and yet I still get insecure during break ups. I can't stand that about myself. I was so confident in our relationship. But then with the break up, I lose all of my confidence.

 

And I hate that I feel like I love you and want you more than you love and want me. You said you couldn't be with me now and out of hurt I said I can't be friends, you won't hear from me again, take care. But of course I didn't mean that. So when you replied I understand, take care of yourself and Tyler, I freaked out and called you twice.

 

I hate that I feel and act like this.

 

I hate that you won't be with me because you feel like you don't know me.

 

I hate that you don't want kids, I do want kids, that SHOULD be deal breaker for me, but it's not, I'm still holding on.

 

Everything happens for a reason, right?

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Hi B

 

I am getting close to hiring someone.

 

Way back when you were sick, you said maybe I need a therapist to process your imminent death, but I was busted broke and never went to one. I was fine, right? Ha, yeah.

 

So, now, I am dropping every ball you watched me build up the strength to carry, and it turns out it is because I haven't replaced your role in my life. I am struggling learning to become my own manager, my own task master, and my own cheerleader. When I try it, I get sick and injured. I am also my own source of comfort, relaxation, and world view. The intensity of ambition and peace collide within my neck muscles and my right arm stops working. Honestly? It works when I don't have the kids. I struggle being their parent and my own task master at the same time.

 

So:

(1) I am close to hiring someone. Please root for me.

(2) I am close to getting rid of the man I like: he treats me in a way that you can respect, but he is not my last man and if I had to look you in the face I would have to admit that.

- In fact, I would waffle and rationalize, because I would want to hold onto him. Because I like him. Because I need and want companionship. Because I learn while teaching. But, no, you are right. I have given the keys of the sports car to an amateur and you were a professional. May I please wait a bit before I pull the trigger?

(3) I am going to try out this new guy. Let's meet him first. I think you might like him.

 

Okay okay, I heard that. I am working now. I promise.

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I'm struggling so much right now. I don't feel like I have a guide. When I was married, my husband was my (lousy) guide. After that, my Dad was my guide.

 

I've never been on my own. Will I fail? I'm so scared. I feel so pathetic. I'm 37, not 12, but I feel 12 right now. I feel lonely and scared and pathetic. I'm holding onto something I realistically should let go of. I shoudl NOT be contacting you. I should be letting you contact me. But NOOOO, I had to contact you Sunday. And then Monday. And then today, Tuesday.

 

Well, NO MORE. I am now officially in NO CONTACT.

 

I need to learn how to focus on me. But I don't know how, not immediately following a break up. I don't know how to do it.

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