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How can I love you and want you still after knowing everything I know now?! You're passive aggressive, narcissistic, you left me for a 22 yr old girl!? You said you knew it was self destructive behavior, like you know already that your job and new relationship are out the window when it all goes down! You want me to hang out for you to fall on your face so I can be used to pull you back up again and for what??? So I can invest more in you?! Just for a couple good years again before you leave? You're scared to let me or anyone that cares about you in! I want to love you jerk! I want to count on you! And be there for you too! Why do I love you still? I'm frickin out of my mind!

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Happy Mother's Day! Really?! Wth even bother? You left us. You made the decision to walk and you want to send me some stupid mothers day text. Leave me alone. You didnt want me. If thats all you have to say, dont frickin bother! My kiddo already took care of my mothers day wishes with the help of my dad! Piss off.

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So it's been a few months now. We still talk daily. Still throw that four lettered 'L' word back and forth like monkeys flinging feces. Pretty sure it's more out of habit than any real meaning behind it now. What we're doing is unhealthy. For both of us. We both agree that we get along better when we're not together. Why is that I wonder? My commitment issues, anxiety, and supposed paranoia? Your compulsive lying, cheating, and general a$$holery? I'm becoming jaded to this whole clusterfuddle of a situation and that is starting to scare me. This situation should NOT have a feeling of normalcy.

 

I never told you this, but I was actually seeing someone for awhile a month or so ago. It didn't work out due to some red flags he was smacking me in the head with and also due to the fact that it felt like a farce while I was still in an "unofficial" whatever the hell this is with you. Not only was I lying to him, lying to you, but also lying to myself. I see what I was doing now. Holding on to you while trying to find something better. Ugh. After that realization I wanted to stick my head in a bucket of acid because I did the exact same thing you did. Are still doing, most likely. I still feel disgusted that I could have sunk to such a level.

 

I honestly realize that continuing to have contact with you is doing nothing but holding me back from living my life fully. I hate this limbo that I'm in. Without you in my life I know that I could finally move my life in a new and different direction instead of falling back into the same mental patterns I've been in for the entirety of our association. The same rut.

 

Now it's just a matter of me balling up and being strong enough to let go of the familiarity that is you. Damn you, great unknown, for being so terrifying! But, I suppose me ending everything on an amiable note would be better than you letting me know that you've decided to choose someone else, because we both know that's the inevitable conclusion of this 5+ year drama.

 

So, I guess I have a hard decision to make. Not so much 'if' as 'when'. I really have to avoid that quicksand of choosing the "right" time, though. There will never be a right time, as these things go. It's just something that had to be done.

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todays been pretty hard. im crying. i cant get you out of my mind. i want desperately to send you a msg, i know i will receive nothing in return tho. is this so hard. when did i lose myself in you? i have these great days where i can go without crying even if i try to cry i cant but then these setbacks. geezus get out of my mind!!

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I've done everything for you, helped when no one wanted to, supported and loved you.

You promissed and said that I was the one that you wanted to spend the rest of your life. And now you broke up with me and talk everyday and everytime with your ex.

 

Why? You always said I was so much better, now look where things are... And when I asked you about it, when I said that I didnt liked and thought something was going on, you said I was making a drama...

 

ing .

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I'm scared.

 

I have to find a way to move on without you, and I don't want to, but you made this decision for us. I have to get rid of you and your memories. This is the only way I feel like I can move forward, to believe you no longer exist out there. That will banish all hope that you left me with.

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I am angry with you. I'm annoyed with you. You choose to walk away rather than deal with problems. Problems that could have easily been overcome. And then you walk around getting drunk, not sleeping, and crying your eyes out because you are so upset. For months. When we could have just worked it out. You are an idiot. There is no other explanation.

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I'm inebriated! I won't drunk text you, though, as I do not have brain damage.. that I know of.

 

This sangria is terrible. It tastes like raisins, but I'm drinking it anyway because it was expensive. Go go gadget: being-adventurous-at-the-liquor-store.

 

There's too many feels today. Feels I bet you picked up on, just like how I picked up on my presence making you uncomfortable. I apologize for that. I know you did a great job hiding it, other people distracted you enough when your tension seemed mega.. ..tense.

 

So much raisin flavor.

 

I'm thinking once we have it an option, we both will do that NC thing. It sucks because I miss you, but it also sucks that I can't "dangle hope" by being too nice, because that's douchey and manipulative. I still occasionally ponder about what we'd be like if our issues were addressed, which I should really stop doing. I blame bad raisin juice.

 

But holy butt monsters your eyes are so freakishly teal. I fudging love teal. Damn it.

Is this what my hair does?

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I wish I didn't have such a guilty conscience and blame myself for everything because the truth is you made me really unhappy. You never tended to my emotions in the way I needed even when I made my needs obvious to you. You never cared enough to console me when I was crying; instead you just went to blaze outside and avoided our issues altogether. You never ever put me first no matter how much you said it. I was never a priority to you and I will be a priority to someone else one day. You will be with someone who accepts not being your priority. But I will not.

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Thank you for not contacting me, D. It's been almost 5 days, it's better this way. You know I'm too week right now to ignore your text. You filled a void in my heart that no one else had. You made me so happy and miserable at the same time.

 

I know now why God put you in my life. Relationships can be a lot of fun, I see that. I will be the source of the fun in my next one. I just hope I can spot the lies - this has never been a strength of mine. I had the love blinders on, I saw the signs, but I wanted to believe in what we had.

 

I am always thinking about you now. It sucks, because I know it is unhealthy for me to be with you. I am trying to do everything right - working out, reading, staying busy, very little drinking. But I feel so alone. I miss waking up next to you and holding you. You made me feel so good when we were together. I've talked to other girls, but it's not the same.

 

Thank you for not contacting me. Eventually this will go away, I know this. But I can't heal if we drag this out. You will always be very special to me. I wish it had been better timing for us. But I can't wallow in the pain of circumstance. Good luck DR. I know some day you'll decide to change and get yourself right spiritually, and you're going to make some lucky guy so happy.

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one day you fall in love with someone. someone real. you see these traits in them that tells you they are THE perfect ONE for you. you see yourself giving them the most special and treasured parts of your being that you cant and wont share with anyone else. an unbelievable and miraculous part that would make you light up and shine thru a downpour. you realize that you can finally open up and show them love like no other...you know that love...when you can touch each others souls by looking into their eyes. its an amazing love and deeper than the kind you have for anyone other than that one special person. and you find yourself ready to experience this ultimate emotion. and when you are ready... that person who is this special to you decides: "i. dont. love.you." and your world crashes down around you and just like that you lose yourself...you were so close to finally being that person you've always wanted to be but you retract and put her away so deep that she will never come out again. its very difficult to recover from the agony of knowing you will never share or experience your true self again. i was ready to love you and show you what that word really means but you shut me out and i will live my life with love but i will never allow myself to love like i was falling for you. you have wounded me deeper than you realize for a girl always dreams of her true love and i am done with that dream forever.

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Haven't heard from you since sunday... I would have never thought this would happen between us, we used to talk everyday without a miss and now days go by without talking and I know you're fine with that, thats what you wanted... I miss you like crazy, but I know you don't miss me, you never loved me the way I loved you, you never did.

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