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I just wanna cry right now. I should've left you blocked but I peeked and saw that you think you're in love with someone else. It's only been 9 days. Really??? Is that the truth or are you just posting that bc you know I'm checking?? You told me that I was a for dating someoneone 2 months after we broke up last time. what do you call what you are doing?? I love you or maybe I am just obsessed. I feel like I can't go on without you and I can't get you out iof my mind.

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There's a quote I've seen a few times these past few days.

 

"There will always be that one person who you will always love, no matter how much pain they put you through."

 

For me, that person is you. I promised that I would always love you because I could never see the day when I would stop loving you.

 

I love you baby, I always will. I wish I could tell you how I feel but I can't.

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I wish you could see how bad you hurt me. I wish that I had never met you. You have done nothing to me but destroy who I am. Is she better than me? Are you having fun with her? I hope you two rot in hell for the things you have done. I hate you both and wish nothing but the absolute worst for each of you. You can go screw yourselves you selfish a-holes.

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i hope you're fine there, i hope that you are thinking the same as i am thinking everyday.. i hope that you are just also taking your time for your self

 

i hope that we will be together again soon...i miss you badly, i am hypocrite if i dont admit i still love and wait for you.

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I haven't really just spoken to you like friends in over a month in a half now, I'm sorry we haven't laughed and been normal. I still miss the person I remember you being. But you aren't that person, not really deep down inside. There is something inherently wrong with you, something I can't fix and that you will never realize is wrong. You pushed your first ex away because you are cold, distant, and selfish. You pushed me away just the same, I had invested so much to get you to open up and give back. And I guess it was just my ego and the fact that I'll never get back what I put in that made me hurt so much. You are a pretty girl who had been my perfect match on paper, and I liked to show you off and brag about what I liked about you, but deep down I was not happy being with you, I was missing the single most important things to me in a relationship, compassion and affection.

 

You don't think of others, you only think of yourself. You weren't willing to work on anything while we dated, I was foolish to think you would when were broken up. You are self serving, which is good to an extent, but truly.. You have no empathy for others, you cannot give freely of yourself to a life partner. I feel bad for you, because this is a very deep problem for you and will always keep you from finding a quality partner. I have felt my pain and grown, I am staying focused on my goals and am ready for a caring person to enter my life. You have learned nothing and chose to go straight into another relationship.

 

You devalued everything we shared, and chose a guy who will never compare to me. I am not in love with you anymore, in fact I truly pity you. You cannot stop to learn and grow, you believe you are perfect the way you are but you keep killing relationships for the same reasons. This new guy is needy, and emotionally unstable, I feel bad for both of you, it will not end well, he is an old friend and you will lose that when it is done, and risk him finally killing himself like he told you he wanted to before you chose him over me. Step carefully... You foolish girl.

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Aaaaah just deleted my freaking post so now I'm even more frustrated!!

 

I hate this freaking job so much, I'm so bored and uninspired; so fed up of the monotony! All I want to do is get up and walk out, go home and paint and sculpt.

 

And I love you and I miss you because knowing you were there got me through the week.

 

I'm so bitter too because this stupid job was part of the reason we broke up. I told you I never wanted to take it because I knew it would effect how often I could see you, my mood and it was extra distance. You just didn't listen, you said I was putting you before my career and that made you uncomfortable. A career doing what??? Sitting on my arse and being so bored I could go loopy? I ing hate it here and I lost you!!

 

All I do day in day out in this office is think if you, how much I love and miss and how angry I am at this stupid situation. I hate this place, I hate it!!

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10 years of my life I gave you. I showed you the world. my family still employ you which helps fund your lifestyle you show off as if you did it all by yourself. I helped you with your shyness and confidence I gave you everything probably too much of myself. And this is the thanks I get you walk out on me you coward and pathetic little man.

 

It's 10 years of my life I will never get back I gained nothing from having you in my life and I hate you for that. I wish I never met you. I hope the hate goes one day but right now it's part of the healing process.

 

I will met someone better who deserves my love and will treat me like I deserve to be treated. I thought it was true love but true love doesn't destroy you it doesn't leave you.

 

I hope you realise what you had and stop acting like a victim and man up and face what you have done. I don't wish you harm but I hope it hits you like a ton of bricks one day and you realise you still love me.

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All I know is that I'm not going through everything all over again, I wouldn't be able to handle. I was broken the first time, going through it all over again, I can't imagine what I would happen.

 

We haven't text for a few days and I'm okay with that. It's not that I don't want to text you because believe me you have no idea how much I want to. I'm not texting you because I don't want to get attached to you all over again. But I know the phone works both ways, so you could text but it's cool.

 

I'm going to bed now because I'm so tired. Night.

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Again, I would love to "check up" on you. Just see what's going on on your facebook. Oh no, I can't even text you. The whole time we were together, your phone wouldn't let you send texts out, so I stopped bothering. Who knows if you even have your new phone yet. It's possible it will be able to send out texts. Most likely it will. I'm sure whichever new lucky lady in your life will be thrilled.

 

You're working in the rain. That's kind of funny. You must have tarps up. How often do you think of me? Everyday? You work near my place. You said you used to think of me all the time because of it. Life is a cruel mistress. You think you can give your heart to someone, but then they just stomp all over it and let you pick up the pieces.

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It's been 1 year since we've been broken up. I often wonder if I will ever get the truth from you to these questions :

 

a) Did you find someone else while we were on long distance for 2 years?

b) When did you stop loving me?

c) What made you realise that you wanted to leave me?

d) Do you regret dumping me?

 

I am ANGRY at you because you....

 

a) Threw away a wonderful, adventurous, passionate, humorous 6 year relationship. Yes, we had some tough times during the last 2 years of our relationship bc those last 2 years were long distance...but we were at the end of the tunnel! We could finally see the light and just when I was about to file the papers to be in YOUR country, you dump me.

b) You never told me the truth of what you really wanted even though I kept on prodding you to tell me what it is you wanted so I could give it to you.

c) You led me on for those last 2 years....until you could feel brave enough ( or possibly find someone else ) to leave me.

d) You just blamed me. Even your last letter to me was full of blame for me...but NOT ONCE did you ever acknowledge that you did the above things ( see a, b, c ).

 

Despite the anger and pain, I am NOT over you because....

 

a) The relationship..you and I...as a whole was very beautiful. Truly. If everyone else saw it...but you...then it must be real, right?

b) You did love me truly and deeply for a long time in that relationship. It was the warmest, most enveloping, secure phenomenon I have ever felt.

c) Despite all your flaws, shortcomings...YOU are beautiful, inside and out.

 

I WANT to get over you because...

I want to be happy again. That's it. I just want to be happy again in the same way that you are probably happy now.

 

It's sad how we used to lie in bed, naked and just stare at each other for hours that seemed only like minutes. Completely lost in each other, in every single way. That tiny apartment in that country we lived in became this intense bubble of existence where only you and I existed and no one else....to what we are now...strangers who don't talk at all. I am forgetting your face. I am starting to forget how you smelled. I am starting to forget how you feel when you wrapped me in your arms every night before we went to bed and wake up, with you still hugging me. You are becoming a blurred memory which brings me sadness and happiness at the same time.

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hooking up after the BU was such a mistake. it brought me false hope and messed with my head so much. and you were afraid of this happening, and i convinced you to come anyway lol. it makes it that much harder to get over you knowing that you didn't want to hurt me. i love you so much, but i need to love myself more, as selfish as that sounds. until i feel that way i will only hurt you. i MUST stay away from you until i feel better. it's imperative. i feel bad that the last time you saw me i gave you a nasty goodbye. i'm sure you've forgotten about it completely and probably have forgotten about me, but i miss you so damn much. every day i think about just holding you and kissing you and being with you. i miss making you laugh, i miss stroking your neck and watching your eyes close as i do it. but you just don't have those same feelings for me. and lying to myself to try and please you after the BU just made me feel worthless. somehow i thought sacrificing more for you would make you realize how much i love you, but instead i think you assumed i'm just being desperate for sex... what a life...

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The reason I dated lots of other guys was because all the stuff we went through made me feel so low and unwanted and made me doubt myself. It always takes me down a notch.

It was nice at first to feel wanted, to know that I am attractive, to know that I'm not crazy -other people can give me what I need.

The only thing was that even throughout all that I still came back to feeling like you were the one I connected best with (all the drama aside).

When I saw that you still seem to think about me I thought just go for it.

But again you take me down a notch. Criticising me and finding fault and bringing up old issues. Not focusing on the positive. Not respecting me.

I wasn't deliberately trying to drop stories of other guys into the conversation. And I can see why that would bother you, it would bother me too. And I'm sorry. It was thoughtless. All the drama of last year clouded my ability to see things from your perspective -you came back to me and made yourself vulnerable and you dove in and invested yourself and ended up getting hurt. It probably is extra salt in the wounds to see me be so insensitive to thoughtlessly bring up other people as if you're cold and unfeeling.

I guess I was awkwardly trying to address the elephant in the room -that yes we saw other people. Unnecessary.

I feel like if you really wanted me, you would give me grace around that. Instead I'm made to feel childish again. Being schooled by you and not good enough.

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Today I saw you in the street. You were driving and you said hello and smiled. You seemed so happy. Tears instantly fell from my face for the rest of the day.

 

How can you still have this power over me?? How can you make me feel so helpless, so miserable, so powerless!?!? I've been doing everything right, NC for over 3 months, carry on with my life, and still the moment I see you I realise I STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH?!!? HOW??? WHY??? Let me go, leave me alone!!!!!!! You were the one who did me wrong, who did awfull things, why is it that I'm the one who have to keep going through hell!!!???

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These nights. I miss you. I want to see how you're doing. I wish you would be going to the movies with me and my friend tonight.

 

I am grateful that I have found two amazing friends within the last several months. It wasn't until I decided to really let you go, that they came into my life. I haven't had good friends who weren't my boyfriend, for a LONG time. Ages. They help fill the void that you left with me. Still, sometimes I think about what you're doing, and how I'd love to see you. I even have the hope that we could just hang out on a whim. Where's my head at? It's not like that. Hell, you even tried to get with this girl 8 months ago, all the while making me think you wanted to be with me.

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I really want to send you a "hello". But I wont. I CANNOT. Because I am hurting today. And i do not want to pass on that hurt to you.

 

I want you to know that I truly truly hope that you never EVER experience the emotional trauma of losing a child. It is unimaginable. I hope you can never fully empathise with me on this subject. Three wonderful children. Last I heard, They are alive and healthy and enjoying life.

 

But I have to treat them like they have died... and I will never see them again.

 

Your choices in life affect those around you. Those closest to you. You will never know the full extent of that effect unless you become aware.. become a better person. You were giving.. but in a very self centred manner.

 

This is why I cannot say "hello". You haven't changed yourself to become a better person like you told me you wanted to. Just words you probably read somewhere that you employed to validate what you were doing. You are still focused on pursueing,satisfying immediate wants and desires. Acting without thinking.

 

Please GROW as a person. Please do not hurt another person via selfishness and sneakiness. Happy 31st birthday.

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