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This morning was one of the best I've had in a while. Got some comfort and encouragement from an old friend. Funny how God puts people in your path just when you need them. I'm still wobbly, but okay. Day 9 NC

 

Old friends are often the best friends! I have a friend that i go to college with and she has made me think so many positive things!

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So I did the math today,...7 1/2 months.

It's been a grey dull blur. Mostly through tears. I still ache and hurt.

I read somewhere that healing comes from the view you put on the relationship. Don't hurt because the relationship is over but be disappointed that the person was not the one.

That seems so incredibly hard to do as somewhere deep inside I know you are still the one.

I loved you every second of the 5 1/2 years and still 7 1/2 months later (I did the math).

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So I did the math today,...7 1/2 months.

It's been a grey dull blur. Mostly through tears. I still ache and hurt.

I read somewhere that healing comes from the view you put on the relationship. Don't hurt because the relationship is over but be disappointed that the person was not the one.

That seems so incredibly hard to do as somewhere deep inside I know you are still the one.

I loved you every second of the 5 1/2 years and still 7 1/2 months later (I did the math).

 

I completely agree with you and my heart, as broken as it might be, goes out to you!

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Hey, it's been SO long since we last spoke and so long since I last saw you, almost fifty days NC and I'm proud of myself. There's not a single day where I don't think of you, I can't stop thinking about you. Only now, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. I remember at the start, I've never felt worser, I wanted to kill myself because I thought I'd die without you. The thought of you not being in my life made me not want to be here anymore. Imagine that, you hurt me so much that I thought the only way to stop the pain was to kill myself.

 

You deserve to know that I still love you, I really do. At one point I thought you were my soulmate, the one. The one I've been looking for my whole life, I thought I found that person in you. The year I spent with you, I don't regret a single thing. You made me happier than I ever had been, every single day you made me happy until you made me cry every single night. I'll never love anyone the way I loved you, I promise. Now I know that you're not coming back, it's took me two months to realise it but I've got there. I realise we weren't meant to be as much as I wish we were and thought we were.

 

I hope you're happy, I mean that. It doesn't matter about me, because I love you I just want to see you happy. I hope he makes you happy, I'm sure he does. One thing I'm sure of is that he will NEVER love you like I do, he doesn't know you like I do, nobody does. I know the real you.

 

Does he kiss you the way you want to be kissed?

Does he brush the hair out of your eyes after he's kissed you?

Does he kiss the tip of your nose out of nowhere?

Does he kiss your forehead and tells you he loves you?

 

I love you baby, I always will. Goodbye.

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How messed up is this? I am sitting in front of the mirror trying to do my makeup but i'm crying so it keeps running so I can't. I'm getting ready for a date with someone else while i'm crying over you. I don't want to date anyone else, but I need to go so that I can know that I can move on.

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When I was ready to leave you begged me to stay and that was enough for me. Now after four years you leave and nothing I did was enough to keep you. That isn't fair. It isn't fair that you're fine and I'm dying to hear from you. I miss you so much. You were my best friend and first love.

We watched each other grow into adulthood, I helped you move into your first place, we even talked about moving in together!

Now you want to be alone and all I want is you.

Please come back.

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You say you need time to be alone.....But this is really hurting me. I feel blindsided. I want to call you or text you but I know I shouldn't..... I do truly love you so I will give you time. Please contact me and tell me everthing will be ok and that you miss me.

I feel like I'm hanging here not knowing....If its over please let me know ....I need closure

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Today has been a bad day and I miss you more than ever. We haven't spoke to each other for over 5 months and I wonder to myself if you ever felt anything for me or if you think of me at all.

I feel angry at you for walking away without opening up to me and but would rather do so with another. I feel angrier at myself for not being able to sort my life out after you left and not being able to be happy for you and let you go.

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I just got back from my date. It was meant to make me feel better but it made me feel worse. Every word that came out of him mouth only made me realize that he was not you. I don't want to be with anyone but you. You used to be so in love with me. When I used to have second thoughts about our relationship you wouldn't let me leave until I came to my senses and realized how great you were. I never realized how much I loved you until you finally left me. Now your cold, I just want the old you back. I know I have done a lot of wrong, but I just want to you to give me a second chance. I gave you so many chances. I miss you and I love you and I don't want anyone else. I truley want to change, but you told me if it took this long then it isn't worth it. Why is this happening to us. Yesterday was ok for me today is bad. I find myself constantly praying and i'm not even religious.

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a,

i didn't think i was going to post anymore but suddenly i felt like it. it's summer today, and humid with the a/c on, and i was thinking of sitting on your balcony, with a glass of tea and eating whatever you bought/made and feeling so attracted (and tongue tied) to you sitting opposite me. you would come after a while and sit on my lap and we would look at the nyc skyline.

a fond memory.

-h

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Why suddenly am I struggling so hard 4 months in??? I was doing ok. I finally decided to go completely NC because we barely talk anymore anyways. I'm so sad. It's been 9 days since we had any contact, but 3 since I made the decision to not contact you at all. You don't exist on facebook and I've blocked myself from your twitter in case you post about a girl.

 

I was laying with that guy friend and talking and it hit me like a ton of bricks how much I miss our conversations. I miss your crazy, rambling invention ideas. I miss your stupid obsession with popchips. I miss the things that defined you and I'm terrified that this will never be ok.

 

I hate this so much. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I know it's supposed to be exciting but it's just depressing. I just want to move back and show up at your door and have everything magically fall into place and not feel this way anymore. I'm so sick of this horrible knot in my chest, all the time. I'm seriously considering going back on antidepressants. I stopped them a week before you broke up with me to go find your purpose in ife. I thought I could handle it. Clearly I can't.

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I tossed and turned all night and woke up in a panic. It seems so hard to get over you and the word on the street is that you have not trouble chasing other women now. My heart breaks a little piece at a time when I think that you have completely gone your own way and I am still here lamenting about the past year. Today is just another day with nothing to look forward to because I know you aren't in my corner.

 

I love you without putting pressure on you and have offered to take care of your every need but it seems like that isn't good enough. You are in some sick race to find someone else who will turn you on and then what? What happens when you get your heart broken? Unfortunately I already know the answer to that question. You will pay attention to me for a couple of days until your wounds heal and then you will look for another. Someone who might be prettier, someone who you see as your future and I will again be left feeling exposed and lonely. Why can't you see me? Feel me the way you once claimed you could even though we were miles apart?

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Day #1-Almost 4 years of my time wasted! I found out you were cheating. That fact that you are the type of person who doesn't see it as cheating and continued to lie about, is what makes this way easier than it should be!!! Thanks to myself for finally seeing the real you! I really do wish my brain had an off switch though!! I am now working towards you not consuming my thoughts!!!

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You slept with a model for four months while also dating me. Her profile says that she is 5'8 and 120 pounds. I am 5-7 and 142 pounds. She is gorgeous. She is a lot prettier than me, honestly. Everyone that I show her picture to says that she's pretty. She has long dark hair with the natural curls. I have chin length hair. She's dark skinned and Asian. I'm white with freckles. She's prettier, obviously.

 

I hate you. I hate thinking of you in bed with her. I hate thinking of how happy and turned on you probably were. I hate thinking about how I probably didn't compare while you were with her. I hate you.

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you spoke several times about unfortunate timing, having chased me well ahead of when something with A developed and then found me when you had already put that move in play. it only just occurred to me. had the timing been opposite, I'd have had to sort out you sleeping with her on the side. Oh sure, maybe not. but all evidence suggests... and I'd not have known. yup. because she has held her friendship over you as a carrot and a threat, and you complied. adopting her friends as your own... you are kept now, as you have been, though you have never been able to see it.

 

dodged that bullet thank goodness!

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How do I let you know I still love you without putting myself out there for your dismissive response? Would you even care that all I can think about is being in your arms for a little while? Would you even care if I told you or am I better off knowing that you will never see me as I see you? It's so darned hard for me to want you and to be with you and know in my heart that I don't even exist in your world.

 

And when your next victim figures you out I have to wonder if I will be willing to be there available to you and I am afriad that my answer is going to be "yes". I would take you back in a heartbeats heart beat because I know how well we work together when we are on the same page. I'm afraid though the novel has ended.

Edited by Alone Now
Added another thought
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