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I was doing okay until I had *that* dream about us last night. Sleep used to bring me peace but you've found your way into that too.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I feel violated that I can't even find peace in my sleep as it was once the only respite from thoughts of my friend. It's heartbreaking.

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I just got out of the shower and have checked my phone at least 5 times and still no text from you. Now I'm ready to go back to bed and blow off class. Why do you have this affect on me? Am I not even worth a passing thought? Is text messaging so difficult? Or is it that you really don't give a crap about me?

Edited by Alone Now
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Dang it I did it again. Why do I have a new aversion to clicking the Post button??

 

Here it is, with the benefit of what I learned when I wrote a few minutes ago, and with the sweet gift of a PM from SJ.

 

B, You raced yesterday. On your way to FL you initiated messages and said you would tell me how the race went afterwards.

 

Crickets.

 

I have drafted several messages to you, and I didn't send them. I would rather hear from you.

 

So this morning, I found the way to request an "essay please". This may be enough to cause you to retract further.

 

I have been trying to figure out why dumping you makes me feel so bad, and therefore I hesitate to to do it. What I learned: I feel disappointment in myself, that I can't, or won't, find a way to withstand your hot/cold behavior. I feel loss because I have to give away a whole person because it is too difficult for me to hold boundaries that make you work for me any other way. Once I send that email, you will be gone forever. I am, for now, stopping myself from sending it.

 

B, I am ready to open up my life a bit, and to be with a partner who would consider the same. The way we are when we are together reflects our strong ability to work together. when we are physically apart, that partnership goes away as if it had never existed. I am quite nearly ready to let you go.

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So while I was walking to class I noticed you talking to a new girl. I'm sure you were being so kind, sweet and funny. And I am just as sure that once you are faced with making a decision about this new girl you will run and hide and blame everyone else. I know you saw me and still not a single text or phone call. I'm left to wonder if you would chase after me if you saw me show an interest in a new guy.

 

I am home now and will continue to look at my phone for any sign that you are thinking of me.

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I have the same recuring dream about you... and everytime i wake up shaking, crying and downright miserable.

Its been over 2 months and although i dont get the urge to message or call you that much, its like it has all come together in the form of these dreams... i cant even escape from the thought of you in my sleep!

 

 

Everyone said that i had to let go and come to terms with what you did to me and that i will start to feel better... they didnt mention that this would mean i would realise that the love you had for me mustnt have meant much considering youve only messaged me once, you have never said you missed me, youve never said you felt this was a mistake, youve never said that you still loved me... NOTHONG, Just gone, out of my life as if i never exhisted and your happy, you go out with your friends every weekend and you laugh, your smile. God how i miss your smile

 

I feel like i have no control of my life, i feel that i was just something you had in the background to keep your busy and then you threw me away without even saying sorry... i wish you would just say sorry, or at least say you dont love me so i can stop loving you.

I want this to end... it hurts so much not being in control of my own emotions i would do anything to make this stop.

 

Even after all this time... just a stupid dream about you and im back to square 1, a total mess and i feel like this shell of a life isnt worth living.

I want this to end...

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I hate you right now. How could you lie to me in my face. I forgave you once, I'm not going to forgive you for the SAME mistake twice. I'm tired of all this, I've been 100% committed in this relationship. Why you had to do that? Why can't u just be with me? Do u really need sex from Craigslist when u have a gf? I give up. And I will not talk to u, no matter how much u beg me. You hurt me so much and so many times. It's time to let go. I wish you lots of bad luck

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Hey.. hopefully this is still your number.. I still love you, and I miss you so much. Almost every night I wish for your arms around me. I miss the fascination we shared for eachother. I think about why it couldn't work over and over in my head. If we accepted each others differences, I wonder if we would have made it. I still somehow believe we will cross paths again in the far future. This is awkward... please don't be a **** to me if you have nothing decent to say back. I just needed to be heard.

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Am I supposed to leave you alone to think? Your last words were "I'm not writing me off, if thats what your thinking". Heck your not writing at all ***? Is this my hint to ef off? We had that agreement that when the other did something horrible that the other would say, "Do you have anything to say to redeem your sorry ass before you get effed off"? I know I havent done anything wrong so here goes......Do you have anything to say to redeem your sorry ass?

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This is the worst time of the day for me. This is when we would talk about the kind of day we had and laugh and play in the kitchen as we got dinner ready on those occasions when we could hang out. God I hate you for the way I feel right now but God I still love you.

 

I wish you would pick up the phone and say "Look, I want to be your best friend again" but I know that call will never come. I want you to pick up the phone and say "I really miss you, let's meet at Hard Rock for a beer" but I know that call will never come either. Was I that bad of a friend to you? Are you pushing me aside for your own protection or are you and she picking back up the doomed romance for a couple of weeks again? And of course I will be right here waiting for your call and wishing the same wish as always: that you see me as a true friend.

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I looked at my phone first thing this morning to see if you had called or sent me a text while I was sleeping and of course you didn't. Will I ever really get over you? I'm going to skip class today because the thought of seeing you and your ignoring is too difficult for me to deal with.

 

Why can't you see me and put some merit in the time that we spent hanging out? Am I not even worth trying to rebuild our friendship? Was I that lousy of a friend to you? I wonder if other people would have done the same thing. I was there when you needed to talk and to laugh and to help you figure stuff out and then once you got your life back on track I served no purpose anymore.

 

What makes me even angrier is that I know I would take you back with open arms and love you like I always have, but you don't care. You are looking for someone better, prettier and more like yourself. Meanwhile I am all wrapped up in the thought of our being back to where we were or even better friends now that we know where we are going.

 

Why can't you see that I am still here for you?

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I have gone two hours without checking my phone to see if he even thought about me and he hasn't text me or even called. When do I give up? Why won't he see me for who I am and what I can offer? I don't care about the intimacy all that much, but what I do care about is how we would laugh and joke and listen to bands playing up the street. Was I being used?

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Yesterday I was content hating him. I still hate him, but my mind is stuck on him. I keep telling myself I understand why this had to happen, but some days I can't accept it. He has been so awful to me he doesn't deserve for me to miss him. He especially didn't deserve the sweet note I left him before he left for the week. I am committed to moving on but I want him out of my head. I am tired of feeling hurt, and betrayed. I am ready for the next chapter of my life but he needs to get out of my head first. It sucks that hes in my head and I'm not in his. I miss yesterday when I felt OK.

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Yesterday I was content hating him. I still hate him, but my mind is stuck on him. I keep telling myself I understand why this had to happen, but some days I can't accept it. He has been so awful to me he doesn't deserve for me to miss him. He especially didn't deserve the sweet note I left him before he left for the week. I am committed to moving on but I want him out of my head. I am tired of feeling hurt, and betrayed. I am ready for the next chapter of my life but he needs to get out of my head first. It sucks that hes in my head and I'm not in his. I miss yesterday when I felt OK.

 

I know how you feel! I desperately want to hate my friend as well but I can't stop looking at my phone and hoping that there is a text or phone message from him. But it never comes. Why can't people just be honest? Why do people have to put up walls? I feel hurt and betrayed as well but it seems as though things are left unsaid and that is what really hurts!

 

I would give anything to be back in my friends arms and just to feel normal again. Does that ever happen or are we stuck on guys who only think of themselves and rush to the front of the line to get their rewards? I've asked a bunch of times and I will ask again: are there really no decent, stand-up guys who want nothing more than to express compassion and love for a girl? Is it really that much to ask?

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Today I miss you. I miss how our courtship was so easy. I miss your directness in us getting together. I miss your general presence and I miss our life before it all went s**t. It would be so lovely to see you again but I know that you wouldn't want me. It is really hard to accept that I am just not enough. Before you, I thought that I was a catch: funny, smart, kind & pretty. Not in an arrogant way but a 'one day someone might notice' way. I feel like nothing. I don't feel special. I feel like a failure. This is how I'm letting myself feel. Because you, the person who I loved & wanted to spend the rest of my life with, doesn't feel enough love for me. I'm so alone and lost. I miss the times I felt okay.

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Day 14 of NC

 

Amazing! Honestly, can't believe it's been 2 weeks since my break up. Time is flying by! Best advice from my experience? NC!

 

I've gotten to a point where even if he talks to me, I simply do not care what he has to say. It just impedes my healing process. Last night was rough though, knowing my best friend got engaged, but then, I know I'll find that one guy who will do the same for me. So stay positive

Edited by heartbrokengir
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