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Nynnja
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I do still miss you. After 6 years together it would be hard not to. I like remembering the times before you started to really dislike me. It really hurt to see you in those photos with another girl (who's hot by the way how'd you manage that one?).

 

I felt so down earlier today. I really let things overwhelm me. I'm feeling better now but it is hard. I'm getting to the point in my life where I want to settle down and have a family NOT be dumped by my long term partner and quit my job.

 

You are lucky not to be at this point or maybe it just wasn't with me. Maybe that's for the best really.

 

All I can do is focus on being me and doing the things I enjoy. I want to move on and maybe even start a new relationship but my head is still messed grieving your loss and the clock of life is ticking...tick...tick.

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Hello you, it would have been one year today. I wonder what we would have been doing. I know we would have been having fun no matter what it was. And I remember what you said to me once, that you could spend 5 hours sitting on a couch with me, and it would still be the best 5 hours of your life. I hope you know that went both ways. Have a wonderful day whatever you spend it doing, uni probably. But I hope it is full of smiles and happiness.

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For the past month, I've been so pre-occupied with what you're doing, what you're thinking, etc that I've suppressed all feelings and emotion towards other girls. Even when hot chicks give me a smile or wave, I didn't pursue them, because I was still not over you.

 

But today, for the first time, I actually met a very, very pretty little thing at the gym (You'd be shocked to see how much weight I've lost and how I'm slowly getting closer to being the strong, muscular, confident guy you met 2 years ago btw), and to my surprise....I engaged in conversation with her, and we exchanged numbers. It felt so WEIRD. For 2 years, I could never seriously entertain another woman's advances because I was madly in love with you. The thought of kissing another girl, holding another girl's hand, laughing and joking with another girl...I think I can envision it now. And I have to be honest....it scares the hell out of me. This is how I know I'm still not completely over you. But, today was a big step in the right direction.

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There's so much that happened this week that I want to tell you. But you don't get to hear all my funny stories anymore even though you still want to. You lost that right when you backed out of our relationship.

I miss you so much and I have to fight the urge to tell you what's going on because I know you'd get a great laugh. But you don't get the privilege of my humour anymore. Again, you threw that right away.

I know EXACTLY what is going on in your life because it's the same stuff you do every day.

It's Tuesday so you'll be in town tonight to break the monotony of it all.......but you won't get to visit me this week. I hope that bothers you.

Time is ticking on and the longer you leave it, the more likely it will be I will get over you.

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I went for a walk the other and I looked up and there was a full moon and I just smiled because you know that it makes me think of you. I hope you were looking at it from the other side and it made you smile. OKAY OKAY, I got a little upset too because I miss you so much, I haven't got the words to describe how much I miss you.

It's getting easier, slowly. Sometimes I think of just jumping into another realtionship but that's just stupid, considering I'm still in love with you. You said that you would never forget me, please don't because I'll never forget you. You've changed your number and blocked me on Facebook, that's your decision, whatever makes you happy.

 

I miss you and I still love you..

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The emotions are starting to settle down, finally. Now I see it more clearly.. why you reacted the way you did. Why you have avoided my emotions the way you did. You were hurt too. And now I'm left with regret. What would you have said after that week? Why did you want to wait a week to tell me things that must have been important to you.

Was it important to you? Why would you wait a full week then. Hmm. Doesn't make sense to me. You've had the chance to speak to me about it though. You turned down my phonecalls. Although I can understand you would not want to open up about your feelings to me when I am very angry. Still it hurt me. I still think, if something is important to you, you make time for it. You don't wait around for another week till time just happen to be there for it. I don't like people acting that indifferent when it comes to important things like feelings. And for me at that time, my feelings were very important to me. The intense sorrow I felt, the hurt. I think I'm closer to understand your behaviour if it stems from being hurt by me too. I understand it a bit but on the other side I passionately feel you should have been there for me. So it's double. And yes I am curious... maybe you had a good explanation for all of this strange behaviour. Maybe, maybe.

 

But then again, if it was important to you, you should have stepped up, mister! Máke time for it!

 

It's so two-sided. I'm feeling so two-sided about it.

But that's better than pure anger.

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And I must admit, now you're gone.. there is an emptiness I need to full with other things. You were a distraction for me, so I didn't have to focus on the scary stuff.

But now I'm left with no excuse. It's time to better my life a bit. Eat more healthy, excercize more. Would I do those things to make you jealous in the future, regretting you let me go?

 

Yeah, maybe...... ok yes. I know it's childish but I'm hoping you'll regret it and would think you shouldn't have let me go despite my crazy emotional outburts

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I hate you. I seem to be stuck in the anger phase. I'm tired of being here. Not being over you. But still, I won't give up. You're the one in the wrong. Hey, I should thsnk you. If nothing else you've taught me not to rely on anyone else. I don't need you, hell I need to be WITHOUT you. You were cancerous to me. You only hurt me while we were together while giving me that slight feeling of reassurance of being part of a couple. I see now though, it's not about being part of a couple. It's about cutting your own path. I don't need you or anyone, I'm strong enough to walk by myselt. I would like someone who truly loves me and would do anything for me like I would do for them. I certainly don't need a superficial woman holding me back like you. I'll move forward and focus on myself. If I happen to meet someone I love in the process then so be it,

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Like my friends say, if your willing to go out with a idiot that hides racism behind being a 'patriot' maybe I am better off without you. Oh and even though he says he is a professional photographer, having an expensive camera doesn't make you a good one, I can take better pictures using my camera phone than that idiot I still want to shout at you and I still love you, but I deserve better than the crap you put me through. I deserve someones love 100%, because thats what I gave to you.

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I can't hold this guys hand. I still just cant. I laughed so hard tonight! He's great, and funny, and genuine, and whattdoihavetolose awesome, and yet, I can't relax into him.

 

Because,

 

you.

 

I want to text you and ask " Are we really, truly, surely over for good? Is there absolutely zero chance of us ever reconciling? Do you not love me anymore?

Because this is how I am beginning to feel, and it terrifies me because I don't know my life without loving you being a part of it.

 

Also, I still miss you.

but I'm also pretty drunk, so posting here is as far as I will go.

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As the emotions settle more I can see: this is an ego thing. Was I really having so much feelings for you? Or was it just a reaction to a bruised ego. Bruised ego's are powerfull things! They can avoke a lót emotions.. I hope that in the future we can be ok with eachother without being friends or back together. Just ok. That we can be able to pass eachother on the street and say hi and go on with our lives again. As simple as that. That it will not make me think about you the whole day. But now I have this feeling that we didn't have any closure. No good talk. It feels unfinished. Maybe in the future I have the guts to come back to all of this in a conversation... To look back on all of this and just be ok about it. Right now I'm not. I've gone to far with you. I know. But all the emotions.. what else should I have done? They've got to go somewhere. I'm a work in progress. I'm always a work in progress and I always will. That's what you get when you're a sensitive person. And I know you're a sensitive person too even though you've done a good job hiding it.

I'm going to meditate more. I hope this can make me a better person. One that does not explode of emotions when someone hurts me and vent it all out.

But is that realistic? I'm only human. There is another side to it. You didn't handle your sht very well. It could have been prevented if you..

Well what could have you done differently? Yeah you could have given me that space, you could have recognized my hurt, you could have given me a chance.

But you are also only human. You can not be and act perfect just to spare my feelings. I feel like I'm coming closer to acceptance and understandig.

NC has defenitly been the best thing for me. This way you can not make a mistake, do something or say something that will offend me.

 

Lately a few exes just seems to contact me out of nowhere and I can handle it very well. It just doesn't matter that much to me and that's a positive thing. This way I can act normal and friendly to them. I hope one day you will be one of them. One that I am not thát emotional involved with.One I just care for, nothing more, nothing less.

Right now I think you are a sensitive spot for me. I regret my actions but I understand them as well. It's a miracle your mother didn't bite off my head

 

But my friend was right, this way I also don't have to deal with you being such a mama's boy. I don't have to deal with you being so vague. I don't have to expect anything from you. And that gives a kind of freedom. Freedom from dissapointment. Because this whole time I wanted more from you than you could offer me. And that's frustrating. I think it's for the best for you too.. no more pressure. Still too bad you couldn't be clear about that sooner. But what's done is done. I can not change it by thinking "what if..".

It went the way it went. Bye, mister.

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My phone rang today, and without looking I picked up and said "hello?"

 

*click*

I looked, confused. It was you. I didn't call back, and you didn't call or text or anything to explain.

I'm going to assume you butt dialed me and when I picked up you realized and hung up.

The feeling in my stomach/chest when I saw that it was your number?

I hate it. hope/fear and now just hurt, because you didn't want to talk to me and for a split second, I thought you did.

 

I do realize today that I am slowly forgetting what it's like to be with you. I'm forgetting your smell and the details of your face and body. Someone posted a photo with you on facebook and I recognized you, but didn't feel much. Thank god it wasn't you with a girl, though.

I see now how needy I was, and how much stress that must have put you under. I'm sad to know that I was such a source of stress for you, because to me you were a huge source of support. I'm sorry for that. I'm sure you feel relief. I wish I could have been stronger for myself, then you wouldn't have felt so much pressure.

 

I'm working on that now. The next person I love, I will love them better. I loved you as best I could. I'm sorry.

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i know i shouldn't contact you. i never really told you this, and I shouldn't have because it's quite inappropriate but we both knew it was true that I wasn't going to end up with you. I think you know the ending in the beginning. Looking back 2 mos ago at a note I wrote, that's the exact same thing I said in my break up message, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. im disappointed you couldn't love me the way I needed, that I couldn't get close to you the way I wanted to. That we couldn't love each other while we had the chance, that we spent most of our relationship focusing on our differences instead of what we had. That two people as nice and smart as we are, couldn't pull together. That you were the first genuinely good person I loved, and I still ended up hurt. I know what I miss is mostly having someone here and not things that define you. That tells me that i need to heal my codependency I have developed. But i still miss you. It's only been 2 days, of course I miss you. It's setting in that I won't kiss you again, I won't have you hug me really tight, or look at me the ay you did every so often. or study w u all night and joke with you. we just were never on the same page, sometimes i let go, i let you in and i saw us together for a very long time , i saw us traveling the world together, but those were the moments you weren't with me. i think the problem is, we don't see eye to eye. you could never meet my expectations and iwas constantly being let down. we worked when expectations were removed, when we were just friends and the pressure was removed we could get close. but we never really got THAt close because you don't see the world the same way I do. that doesnt' somehow erase this need to idealize every moment we held each other, the moments when we both let go the way you wouldn't let me go at night, the way i used to wake up just happy to be in your arms... the way it felt to trust someone because I knew you were a good person. The nights when we would light candles and listen to john mayer and look at each other.. before i felt like i was the one kissing you. before i felt like you were so immature and hated the little htings i used to love. the way you used to text me all day , and we would make jokes about nothing, the lyrics and feeling of understanding we gave each other. when we used to skip a day without each other and long for each other. thte hope i used to have for us. how that turned into us laying next to each other unable to relate to a word in a sentence unable to speak the same language. im going to miss the possibility, the worst part is, that part has been dead for a long time now and im missing an illusion. but your brain is powerful, so powerful that it can trick you into believing that you left that part, that it was there and it wasnt an illusion.its sick how i am the one leaving, who left, and im the one who is the most depressed. you are just a coward. you wanted to leave, but you couldn't, and since i did its easier for you because you dont have to fight urges to text me. you can hide it beneath your pride, beneath the idea that i ended this. teh truth is, if you loved me everything woul dbe different. i think that part is hurtful too. that someone so honest, so trustworthy could either be so out of touch with the truth, or so content with mediocrity.. when i asked you why you lvoed me, your ideas were so generic, so replaceable, and it was either enough for you, or you were unable to understand that i wasnt enough. or you ignored it. when i left you, all you said was okay. if you lvoed me, you would fight, because that woul dbe all that was left. the only option. if you lvoed me, we wouldnt be her ein the first place, because you would have wanted to make my bday specail. it wouldnt have been weird for you to take me away and get me dinner. that just makes me angry. i dropped 400 on a vday massage and you cant even take me away and get me dinner? i had to tell you to take me away. you still spent less than i did, but it was OFFENSIVE TO YOU? i think you just want to be taken care of. you want to be the girl. but i cant date a girl. it would never work. but if oyu loved me, that fight owuldnt have happened. i gues i am glad it did, short term loss for long term gain. ithin kyou were safe for me, and i am jsut agraid of love. of not finding love. of being alone. o feverything. i am a coward too. i wasnt over ashoka the majority of he time we were together. and now that we are apart, he is moved on.. to his ex. but the silly part is, i know he isnt right for me either. i know i wouldnt be complete wiht him. i know i havent met the right person. im all sorts of messed up.. i told you iw anted to be friends. bc the truth is, in my opinion thats the extent of what we ewre. friends who shared physical intimacy. then i woulndt have to lose everyhting i am missing at this moment.. my support when i am swallowed with school. you were the only person who could understand and help the way you did. but this is the wors tpart, i lost that the second we got physical. we could never have just that back. now everything is dead. i jst want to be okay. i want you to be okay. i want to move on, both of us. i know for you, this is probably nothing. you got over your ex in two weeks, and that was much larger than me.. im sure you are already talking to someone else. i wont let you close enough to hurt me no i wont ask you to just desert me, i cant give you all the things you gave me, its time to say goodbye to turning tables. im sure there are dark days ahead. i miss our hope, i miss your chest, i miss your long inhales before you said intimate things, i miss knowing you, i miss not knowing you, i miss your faces, i miss the things i hated, i miss the memories i used to want to share with you.. goodbye dimitri

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Wow... three months... seems like nothing and yet a lifetime at the same time. I think I am doing pretty well now, but I still have those moments like tonight. I know it is just loneliness, missing having "someone" more than missing you in particular. I'm grieving having a relationship, that someone to cuddle and to fill the gap in my thoughts. I get a little sad, maybe jealous is more accurate, when I see you laughing and having a good time with your mates. I wonder why I couldn't make you happy like that. Then I remind myself, that its not my fault, that you had many more things making you sad than just the pressures of a relationship.

 

Part of me is glad that you are happy again, that you have taken the pressure off yourself and started to come out of your shell again. But part of me is sad that it was not something you were able to do while you were with me. I still love you very much, but in a different way now. It's drifting back towards how it was when we were just the best of friends long before we took that leap to something more. There are still twinges now and again, small hurts when I hear you mention all the fun you are having without me. But I'm not sure if that's just because I feel so uncomfortable in my own life right now.

 

I miss you A, but the funny thing is, its not the boyfriend I miss anymore, its the best friend. I just want to hang out, have fun again, will we ever get back to that?

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I waited so long for you to contact me. And then you did and my world fell apart, again. Suddenly I miss you like you're some sort of vital life support. And you just didn't even think about a single thing but yourself. You know it was an unnecessary message but you sent it anyway, you selfish selfish man. You just want MONEY. Money that you don't deserve and that doesn't really belong to you.

 

You took so much from me. How do I get it back?

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Why did you give up on all of this so easily?! That's the only thing I don't understand. I showed more emotions than usual and you can not run away quick enough. Sure I've got to improve some behaviour of myself but I also hope in the future, I will get to know a real man that stays even though I'm acting emotional and is there for me. You're obviously not up for the task. And I'm not up for the task of staying patient and confident despite of your vagueness and strange behaviour. Got to accept those two things.

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