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I spent a whole year with you as you went through a difficult period in your life. Even though I had to drive for over an hour each way to see you, it was worth it to me, I saw something in you. And you said I was one of the sweetest men you'd ever met. And now you meet a guy, you've known him for a little over a month, and suddenly he's the one, and it's over between us? What have you been smoking?

 

You said you didn't want to hurt me. Somehow, that statement rings rather hollow. Throwing over me, someone who cared about you and looked forward to each meeting, for someone you've only known for a few weeks tells me you haven't got much sense and contrary to what I once believed, can't be trusted. (And my previous girlfriends cared as much about my satisfaction as I cared about theirs. You OTOH proved to be the most selfish person in bed that I've ever known).

 

Like a fool, I stayed, hoping that certain things would improve with time. I will never allow myself to be used like this ever again. As much as I hurt and as much as I miss you, forget about hearing from me ever again.

 

I deserve better!

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Whenever the phone rings, I keep hoping it's you. Even after everything and every time, I'm disappointed, because you wont call.

 

It sad that we always want the people that hurt us the most and usually the ones that no longer want us...

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A, **** you.

 

I hate you. I tried so hard. I tried so hard to love you and put on a smile around you. But I hate you. I hate the way you have control over me. I hate that you keep coming back. I hate that im crying. I hate that you have me so confused that I dont know where to turn. I hate that I want to get away from it all. I hate that I want to end it.

 

Honestly, yesterday, I felt was a turning point for me. It was how id felt all those months ago when you left. Like id be okay and I didnt need you. And what am i doing now? Sitting here with this pain in my chest AGAIN. Sitting here crying AGAIN. How the **** do you have so much control? I had the BEST morning with my best friend. The moment I woke up I was smiling and laughing, she is amazing. I knew you would message me but seriously? I didnt imagine you would make this so hard. Its like everytime you do this to me it cuts me deeper and deeper. These games, these disgusting, horrible mind games when you play the nice guy are so much harder than your straight out anger/hate/whatever it is for me. I have this bitter taste in my mouth and this lump in my throat, and I cant let it out. You know why? Im SCARED. Im scared to trust anyone. Why the **** did you message me. Why the **** cant you stay out of my life. You are a disgusting human being and I will never forgive you. You can beg and plead all you want, nothing is going to bring me back. You can sit on your ass with her and do whatever the **** you want. You can push everyone away and treat them like crap the rest of your life for all I care. You can do whatever you want to me, its not going to bring me back. Ive been through enough, you couldn't possibly make it worse. I know you will try and I know there's not a lot I can do about it. but i'm done. Go to hell.

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yeah i love you still but as time goes on not seeing your face or talking to you at all, im getting better and hopefully as time goes on i will not want to fall in love with you again. and maybe find someone who will want to watch films with me instead of doing a crossword sat next to me saying i can hear it!!

 

i suspect you have a new bf already! i saw a post on facebook. how u ask? well i stalked your posts and found out and have seen some pics of you two cuddling!, yes it isnt "official" i know and no one has said anything to me. but hey u know what i hope u realise is how good we was together to make LDR last 17 months... u will get to see this new guy anytime you want! what takes more trust and dedication????

 

and too move on that quick!!!. how long has it been hmm 3 weeks and u say u have a new bf!! i dont what to think of you anymore and i sent you a bday card which you replied to but u know what last ******* move from me now.

 

i wish you all the best with your new guy. i have no idea why u told me to keep all your stuff just incase we get back together ALL A BIG JOKE!

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I hate you today. I don't want to stop hating you. I hate the words that come out of your mouth. Your mother should grab you and wash it out with soap. How am I the * * * * * , the * * * * when your sitting there telling me all of the things you did to another girl, when I didn't do anything at all? I was faithful. Yet I'm responsible for the entire situation the two of you are in?

 

You live in a world of delusion and it is one big joke.

 

I wish the both of you would actually try to sue me for something that happened between the two of you that I was not a part of. Yet you are both convinced that it is my fault. Sue me. Waste your money. I will find it funny. Maybe you just need to get a reaction out of me, because my walking away from you hurt you more than you want me to know. Either way it doesn't matter. I hate you.

 

Stop contacting me. I mean it! You contact me every day. If you think so low of me as your words would leave one to believe, then don't bother me. Go away. I want to forget you. I hate you.

 

I have said it before and I am going to say it again. I am too good for you, you are not even worthy enough to be in my presence. You call me dumb because you need to. Now I understand that it makes you feel better about the fact that you have the IQ of a chicken.

 

You can say all of the nasty things you want to me, but you will never make me believe them. I am not going to hate myself. I hope it hurts you when you realize you don't have any power over me anymore. I am happy I walked away from you. I am happy I let you go. I hate you.

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Hope you're having fun in Reno, boxing up books or whatever you're learning to do. Good for the ego, I'm sure, learning what your grunts do for a living.

 

So, I was thinking today about how you've reacted to my pulling away. I know you don't want me, you just don't want me to stop wanting you. That's what the crushed looks are about, aren't they? How many times do you think I'd fall for that? Remember how you sat on my lap and told me how much you missed me? The next day you were out with Patricia...you couldn't help me out with the house, because you were "working". Yeah...working on tricking someone into thinking you're worth her time. Poor Patricia. She'll figure you out soon enough. I hear she's really smart. Obviously more intelligent than I am. I was with you for how many years? 25? How many were you with me? 10? 12? Hard to say, isn't it?

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I really wish that you would call me. You won't. You are stubborn like me. Do you still love me? Were you saying those things to not hurt my feelings? Why did you always blame everything on me? I miss you and I hate feeling this way. I hate burying my heart. I hate that I have to wait. This is a long-drawn out broken heart. I almost wish you won't even call me when these two months are up. You hurt me so badly. You lied to me. I trusted you. Why did I even trust you to begin with? Thanks for stabbing me in the back. I think about you being with another girl and it kills me. I can't do it. I want to throw everything you gave me out the window, delete you from facebook, delete all of our pictures, and throw you out of my life. Why did you have to do this? Why did you even cling on to me in the first place? Did you ever really love me? Why is your number still in my recent calls? Please God make this pain go away. I don't think I can handle this anymore. I am so sad sometimes I can hardly stand it

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x,

 

I hope you're doing OK in ------. I saw the pictures that you promised to me to post on your facebook. The scenery in ------- looks awesome. Thank you for posting that.

 

I'm doing good right now. I just need to get the thoughts of you out of my head. I know I still want to hear your voice. But I can't bring myself to dial it. You're a good guy. I don't think I could ever make you happy.

 

You deserve someone better than me. Someone wonderful. Someone who could make you laugh. Someone who makes you want to show how much you love her.

 

I am not that person. I never will be.

 

L.

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Are you doing ok? I think about you all the time. I have nice thinks happen to me, and your the first person I want to call, and tell. When * * * * happens, I could really use a hug from you... like the last one you gave me when you moved out.

 

I don't want to call you though.. or even think about.. cause you left me for someone else.

 

Anyways I do think about you. Do you think about me?

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10 days of zero communication.... the longest we've ever gone.

Not coincidentally, also the 10 mentally healthiest days I've had since... you know.

So, thanks for calling today and asking me if I'm seeing someone.

I don't know why, but it sets me back. But stil, on some level, nice to know you still give a s---. Probably would be easier if we were dead to each other. But, since I have our daughter, that can't happen.

 

No. I'm not seeing anyone. I'm not the person I want to be yet. I'm not ready. But one day....

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And one other thing! (ugh.. the feelings that your stupid phonecalls stir up).

 

You are rewriting history! For 15 years, I listened to you cry 1000 times over your issues with your family. I supported you. I took your side in everything. I heard awful stories of abandoment, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, preferential treatment, etc. I listened to that terrible voicemail your stepmom left for you.... one of the worst things I've ever heard one person say to another!

 

So now that you've been living with them for 5 months, and you are all seemingly getting along for the first time, you f---ing dare tell me I was a roadblock between you and your family!!!!!!!! Why would I do that? Yes, I did on at least one occasion say I didn't think it was a good idea that we visit them (which you kindly threw in my face post-breakup) but that was because you were crying and angry at them every time you spoke with them. I hated them, but only because of what they did to you. If this was a simple misunderstanding between you and them, I would have suggested some kind of compromise. But it wasn't. They were irrational. They were unnecessarily cruel. Many of them hated you.

 

You told me so many times how I was the only one who never abandoned you. And in the end, I was the one who was abandoned.... and at least partially blamed for your family issues.

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I have been feeling weird/sad all week and I don't know why, so I decided to look at one of your many webpages not relating to FB, I know, bad idea, but it's been a few weeks without looking... and the one I chose...hmmm

 

Why is that picture there? On the main page, for all to see, when it was never there before? Why? Why that picture?

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i wish there was a you without the addictions. i wish i had that you. you fooled me...from the beginning. you played it well for a long time. the real person always surfaces- and that makes it impossible. you always said you just couldnt understand why we couldnt get it right. i think i know half the battle. take the altered state out of the picture and im sure it would be a whole new world. i wonder if you see that now. or if you continue to live your days the same. i'm sure you're alone just like me right now. reason why we connected so fast. now you have an entire group of people that were never in the picture- that i cant imagine are any good for you. where was the social you when we were together? makes me sick to think of you being so fake to meet people. and being fake and 'funny' to the girls. god that always made me so sick-seeing that fake you. you will never find another me.

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i've been thinking more about why you sent me the msg on facebook and then the call the other night. the call from the hotel the other night, got me thinking.. were you ok.. were you burnt by the deep fryer? did something happen to you.

 

my email to you, asking whats up.. the reply on i want to know where my mail is, and whats the story on my taxes.

 

* * *

 

i don't know why i wasted any time, even feeling anything for you. i don't know if you care about me at all anymore, or if you even did.

 

you had sex with ryan, and tried to start a relationship with him. you had sex with that instructor old guy you met i'm sure - his wife calling me saying you had an affair with him, and i stook around. all you wanted was $

 

your sms saying you feel like a prostitute - guess what you are.

 

whenever i think of you i miss you, but at the same time, i need to remember all the * * * * you did to me.. you made me not me.

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So now you want to come back?

 

You really should have looked before you leapt over the fence and landed into a pile of

Sorry but some things can't be forgotten and what you've done will take a very long time to put behind me, and us. So long in fact that I don't know if it's possible.

 

I hope you can settle for second best, the girl you left me for, because I honestly don't see us working with what you've done to me, to us.

 

Before I was trying to let you go and move on knowing you won't be back. Now that you want to come back I'm trying to let you go even more because I know that letting you in won't turn back the clock. Things will never be what they were. I don't want that, I need a real man. It can't be the same, it won't be the same, it can't be now... might as well just try to move on like I did.

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I have nothing more to say. I am now NC and will stay that way forever. I will not break down. You know where you stand with me and I know I was the best thing that ever happened to you. I agree you were for me too. I know you are now trying to decide if you want to come back or not. Well I have done all I can and have ended it right.

 

We had a great time our last two nights together when I told you I was going NC after your birthday. Now its time for you to miss me and I will see if I am the one or not. If you don't come back then it was not as special as you said it was.

 

Either way it is not a big deal. I know how special I was even if you don't come back. You have never had a connection with another man like you have with me. We were perfect together. To bad I messed it up. Bad timing LOL But I fixed all that I we got back the good times. So what the h.ll at least if it ends, it ended on a high note and we went out the right way.

 

We both get to remember the good times and will not be haunted by the breakup and all the bad things that were said. I thank you for finally admitting your fault in the breakup and telling me as well you are more difficult to understand than you thought. Maybe you are growing up and this time of NC will be the best thing ever.

 

I know you miss me and are probobly thinking of me right now. it's only been 2 days of NC but I promise you, you will miss me as time goes on. I will not break NC. You will either come back or we will never talk again. I went out the right way and will not mess it up by contacting you. You know the doors is wide open if you want to come back.

 

We really did have a great realationship apart from the one thing I had to fix. I know it was a big deal but it is not there anymore.

 

The ball is now in your court, I am just not going to let you decide how the game will be played. I went NC on you. So now you can not send me anymore mixed signals. You either come back or nothing. Hope to hear from you but if not it's our loss. Not just mine. its will be ours.

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I threw up in my mouth reading the email I had sent you.... It was too corny and 'out there' like you said I was. Maybe you didn't read it. I hope you didn't.... I hope my emails go straight to spam. It must be my hormones, meds and the Spring air...

 

I will send you a check for $160 as soon as I get around. Thank you for that dinner. That was the last dinner we went out 'like' a date.

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Hello,

 

I went to that beach we went to on our first date yesterday. I didn't feel anything. I felt at peace. I had been there before you. The beach doesn't belong to you and neither do I. Spring Break is here and I am home. You are so close and yet so far. I will never go to where you live.

 

I was a person before you. I can be a better person after you. I need to prepare myself for what is to come. The end is in sight, but with it will come a new beginning. I smoked last night even though I said I wasn't going to. It was only a little bit though. Unlike you I don't do it every single day. I am not afraid of myself. I can be happy. There is a determined, intelligent, beautiful person inside of me and she wants to turn her face towards the sun and live.

 

I am not even sure I want to be your friend. I lost track of the days it has been since we last spoke. 3ish weeks? What does it matter? In the end, you wanted to leave and that is what I am going to let you do. Leave.

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Well, it's been nearly six months. I still struggle alot. I think of you constantly. I dream of you and still find myself checking my phone and email incessantly. We've been a little friendlier lately but where is it going? I want you back. What is it you want? It seems as soon as I leave you to go your separate way, you reach out in some way. Why? This is driving me insane. I'm trying to be patient and see what happens, let things work themselves out. I have faith they will. I'm trying not to push. I've let go, but haven't given up. Are you happier living the life you live now? What is it going to take to make this right?

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